Daughter Dilemmas
Welcome to week two of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace. To submit a question anonymously, click here.
How can I meet a Godly husband while struggling with social anxiety?
It’s tough to find a Godly man under any circumstances, but struggling with social anxiety may make it seem impossible. It is not impossible, Sister. God does want us to be happily married, if that’s our desire. But He also wants us to find completeness in our relationship with Him first. He doesn’t want us to believe the lies of the world that we aren’t complete without a husband. That way of thinking can only lead to more anxiety. We have a God-shaped hole inside us that we try to fill with all kinds of worldly things that never satisfy. I urge you to pray that God will raise up a Godly man for you and put him in your path so that you absolutely trip over him. (Not literally. I mean, that he would be in an integral situation in your life, like work or church or carpool.) Also, you need to work on you. Speak with a pastor or counselor about your anxiety. Step outside your comfort zone by inviting close friends over to watch a movie or accepting invitations to go out with them. Build your confidence in tiny increments by setting weekly goals for yourself. Celebrate every goal you achieve! As, hopefully, your anxiety decreases, your opportunities to meet people will increase. And who knows? One of those people may be your future husband. God’s timing is perfect--but it sure is hard to wait. Fix your eyes on your relationship with Him and you’ll be surprised by the blessings that pour into your life.
Is it okay to masturbate?
Sex outside of marriage is sinful. Masturbating is basically having sex with yourself. You may think I’m overstating it or that if that is true then it’s a harmless sin, but let me give you some reasons why it’s harmful. (Other than the fact that no sin is truly harmless since it’s offensive to God and corrupts our relationship with Him.) When we have an orgasm, our brains release two very awesome chemicals. One, acts like a drug and makes us feel wonderful. Unfortunately, like a drug, it is addictive. So, masturbating is also addictive. It can be a very difficult habit to break. The other chemical is one that helps us bond with the person we are having sex with. How cool is that? God is so good to us. He designed us so perfectly. This is the main reason it is so harmful for us to have multiple sexual partners before we get married. Our brains get confused and this chemical doesn’t do its job when we aren’t with the same person--making it harder to have that special bond with our spouse someday. Our brains also get confused when there is no one to bond with when we masturbate. We certainly don’t need to love ourselves more than we already do. If this is something you struggle with, I urge you to consider these things to help you stop. And remember that it’s definitely not something that glorifies God.
What do you do when your sisters in Christ are jealous of your gifts & it seems as though they are hindering you from fulfilling what God is calling you to do in the church? Even though my sisters have the same gifts as me...
Do not forsake your calling. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus. Shine into that darkness of jealousy by showing love to them and encouraging them and praying for them. If you still feel they are hindering you after you have done that, then bring someone in leadership with you and have a conversation with them. Do not approach it with a spirit of pride, but humbly admit to your feelings of being hindered and ask for their prayers and encouragement. In all things, act with love, for these are your sisters in Christ.
What are your thoughts on falling in love with the same sex?
Love is okay with God. He wants us to love others as much as we love ourselves. But taking it to the next level and adding in a sexual component is not okay in any relationship outside of marriage. The Bible is clear that homosexuality is a sin. That being said, so is losing my temper. So is murder. I say this because God doesn’t rank sinfulness. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. None of us are worthy. That’s why He sent a Savior to pay for our sins so that if we repent, we can be forgiven. Living in a homosexual relationship is ongoing, unrepentant sin. So that’s where the problem comes. The world and some churches tell us that the homosexuality referred to in the Bible is referring to rape and molestation like in Sodom and Gomorrah, not loving, committed relationships. I certainly don’t claim to know anyone’s heart, or if they know the one true God, but any sexual relationship outside the bond of marriage is sin whether you’re in love or not. And marriage defined in the Bible is between a man and a woman. The lusts of the flesh are real and hard to ignore, and so is the way the world is so sex-driven. I feel like “falling in love” and lusting are different things though. And loving someone of the same sex is just as easy as loving someone of the opposite sex when it’s the right person. Sex should never be the center of a relationship anyway. I also don’t believe there is only one “soulmate” out there for each person. So why can’t this person you love be your best friend where sex doesn’t enter the equation?
This particular sin is not one that I struggle with, so I am just putting these truths out there as the Holy Spirit has laid them on my heart. (There are other unrepentant sins I do struggle with. See my blog post on this subject.)
I feel I should refer you to Rosaria Butterfield’s book, The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert. She has been there and speaks with more understanding if this is something you are personally struggling with. If someone you love struggles with this, I can relate to that, and I urge you to continue to love them as Christ loves you. We can not hold our friends who are not believers to the same standard that we hold ourselves, but we can hopefully live a life that is an example and share truth with them if they ask for our advice. If the person is a believer, I’m afraid she has fallen into the trap of wanting to believe it’s okay so badly that she has mistaken the lies of the world, which seek to justify it in the name of love like you said, as truth--as we all do with so many of our sins that we don’t want to give up. Search your heart, sweet sister, for the Holy Spirit’s leading.