Daughter Dilemmas
Welcome to week twenty of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.
I am dating a man who loves me very much & has been so gracious with working through my difficult, messy past. He is a virgin & I am not. He intentionally saved himself for his wife his whole life & now is having a difficult time feeling like I’ll never be fully or only his (when we get married), but he believes that that could change in marriage but it is sort of holding us back from getting to marriage. I feel like I cannot reassure him more than I already have, that inside the context of marriage sex will be different & incomparable to my past & that I’m sorry I cannot change what I’ve done.
We all have baggage. “Is it something you can forgive and move on from or not?” is the question you need to ask him. Lots of people have turned their hearts over to Christ and begun a secondary virginity by declaring, “From this day forward I won’t have sex before marriage.” But that doesn’t make your memories go away. The thing is, that sex is so personal and intimate that it leaves an imprint and I think that’s what scares him. That being said, sex outside of marriage is referred to as casual sex for a reason. It doesn’t have the same weight on your heart when you don’t understand the value, the implications, and the sacredness of it. Sex inside marriage is different because it is the seal of the covenant promise you make at the altar. It’s just heavier, more serious, and more an act of love than an act of selfishness. It’s not a temporary pleasure inside a non-committal relationship. This may be a bad example but it’s kind of like listening to Veggie Tales silly songs when you are a kid. You think they are fun and silly and you enjoy them. Then you listen to the same songs as an adult and you understand the meaning of the words and you’re bowled over by the theology and humor that only adults could catch. Be assured that the mechanics of sex may be the same, but the way that you view sex now is vastly different. And that matters. If your boyfriend makes you feel like you are not enough, then maybe he is not mature enough in his faith to carry your baggage. He is viewing your virginity as a prize for him that he’s missing out on, instead of viewing your future covenant sexual relationship as a way to glorify God inside your marriage.
What would you say to someone who lost their faith & became atheist because of a trauma in their life?
It happens a lot. People think that if God allowed the trauma to happen then He’s not the God they want to believe in. It’s a misunderstanding of who God is. We live in a fallen broken world full of sin. God is omniscient and omnipresent and in control of everything, but at the same time, we have free will. It’s impossible to wrap our tiny human brains around that. Especially when we can’t understand why He let something horrible happen. His ways are not our ways and we may never know or understand why bad things happen. If we are saved--if we have accepted Christ as our Savior--we have to look at everything through that lens. Everything here is temporary. We have to fix our eyes on what is eternal. We can’t let our hope and joy be based on our circumstances when this world is so broken. It’s like a cross stitch. All we can see is the big tangled mess of thread on the bottom. But God sees the whole beautiful picture and how it creates something beautiful. God is working all things for His glory. And we may never know how our trauma glorifies Him, but we can know that when Christ returns and makes all things new, there will be no more tears. Until that time we must remember that we are held. When everything in this world falls apart, we are held, we are saved, we are chosen, we are His, and we can rest in that. Only the Holy Spirit can work in your friend’s heart and reveal that truth. Pray that it does.
If I really believe God told me who would be my husband, then how do I really know & trust Him completely with this?
If he isn't "the one", how do I know? How do I tell whether or not it is my own thoughts that cause me to continue liking him or if it is really what God said of who the guy would become in my life?
We get this and similar questions a lot. Everyone wants a test for knowing if he is “the one.” Well, there isn’t one. Yes, God puts people in our lives. Yes, your own feelings play a part. But how do we know? You know, when you know. That’s an infuriating answer, but it’s true. There is a deep reassurance that you feel with the right person. If you’re feeling doubts, that could be a sign that he’s not the one. Or it could just mean, you’re worrying too much. Or it could be because he’s not a Christian and that you’re hoping that your sign from God overrules that? (It doesn’t. Don’t marry an unbeliever.) You should make a list of the qualities you desire in a husband. Check that list. Don’t settle. God wants you to glorify Him in all that you do. That includes dating and marriage. Is this guy willing to put God first and you second, before himself in this relationship? Are you? He should make you feel loved and wanted. He should be the first person you want to tell something to, and the last person you want to speak to before you go to sleep. Take 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 and replace the word “love” for his name. Does it hold up? Replace it with your own name. True love is hard work. It’s not just a feeling. It’s a conscious choice we make every day. God’s will for you is not hard to figure out. In any given situation His will for you is to glorify Him. If whatever choice you make will cause you not to do that, it’s not His will. That applies to work and relationships and everything. When in doubt, that’s what you should ask yourself to make the right choice and truly know it’s God will for you.
We are all called to share the gospel, right? But does the Bible say it can look different for everybody? Are we all supposed to go out to meet random people & share the gospel? (Possibly like overseas missionaries.) A lot of people work a full-time job in America & can share the gospel with the people they work with & meet. Do you think one is more right than the other? Does God look better upon one or the other? (I’m honestly just struggling with knowing if God wants me to do full-time missions or have a full-time job in America & share the gospel along the way.)
It absolutely looks different for everyone. God has gifted us differently. I have friends that can share the Gospel with the checkout lady at the grocery store. I can’t do that. I can never think of the right things to say at the right time. My mission field was my home. I felt called to homeschool my children. And along the way, I’ve run VBS and I’ve gone on short term mission trips where we helped people in lots of ways without me trying to share the Gospel outright. I share the Gospel with this ministry through Daughter of Delight and through my blog now, but it’s taken me a long time to get here. If you’re unsure if God is calling you to full-time mission work, maybe you should start small. Go on a short term mission trip to get a feel for it. But you could just as easily work in missions like homeless shelters and food banks and prison ministries here in America as your full-time job. Or you could do something else entirely for your day job (sharing the Gospel with co-workers whenever possible) and volunteer at church and/or in different ministries in your community. We are called to glorify God in all we do and in so doing we shine the light of His Spirit into the world in lots of ways. As long as we do that, God will be pleased. He doesn’t expect everyone to be missionaries and He won’t be disappointed in you if you decide that mission life is not for you. Likewise, He doesn’t love missionaries more than He loves you. Pray that He opens doors for you to share His good news wherever you are.
I’m trying to find a Singles Group for Young Adults at a church. Many of the churches I have reached out to do not offer any young adult single groups for my age group (mid-twenties). It’s frustrating because I’m interested in meeting other people – but is the church the only place to meet other Christian potential friends & maybe even my future spouse?
That is so frustrating and I am sorry you are going through it. Church is definitely a great place to meet other Christians, but there are other places. Have you thought about volunteering at different ministries? Or searching for Christian interest groups like rock climbing or hiking or biking or reading...you get the idea. If you don’t have one in your area, start one. Advertise on social media or through flyers or your church enews or bulletin. To make sure it’s Christians you’re attracting, add Bible study or prayer for thirty minutes at the beginning or end of the activity. And there’s always Christian dating apps. Just be cautious and meet in public places and then with friends in private places before you allow yourself to be alone with a guy you met online.