Daughter Dilemmas

Welcome to week thirty of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

I feel like I’m always told that when I’m no longer looking to get into a relationship, it’ll happen. But then there are plenty of girls who go searching to find a guy and end up on the marriage route. So, my question is, do I look or wait for my guy to find me?

There is no harm in looking. God sometimes puts people in our lives. The harm comes when the looking and desiring to be in a relationship grows to be more important to you than your relationship with God. Those people who told you to stop looking are partially right. Don’t focus all your energy on that. Focus instead on growing in relationship with God. Join a Bible study. Join a church prayer group. Let your desire to know God more fully and to glorify Him in all you do be the driving force in your life. Then, open your eyes to the Godly men around you that are potential boyfriends. Maybe when you approach a relationship from that perspective, what you want in a guy will radically change, and your options will increase.

How can I discern God’s voice clearly? Like, how do I know if it’s my idea or if it’s God? I know there won’t always be a clear cut answer right away, but sometimes when I’m trying to make a choice—like what job to take or who to hang out with or how to help someone—I don’t know exactly what God wants me to do in that situation.

God is not going to give us specifics. He gave us His word to guide us and His promises to comfort and strengthen us. But He no longer speaks directly to us, because He put His Holy Spirit in us. The Holy Spirit is that voice that nudges us in the right direction, but even that can be difficult to discern. So, remember this: our job on this earth is to glorify God in all we do. In order to tell if what you’re doing is God’s will, ask yourself if it will glorify Him or you (or something else that’s worldly). If it won’t cause you to sin or cause others to sin and puts you in a place that you can shine His light, then it’s definitely part of His will. But if you’re doing it to fit in, or to make a name for yourself, or any other worldly reason, then it’s not what He wants for you.

Scripture says, “if you ask anything from my will then it will be given to you". How can one understand that whatever we are seeking is backed by God's will?

God’s will for us is to grow in relationship with Him and glorify Him in all we do. So, anything you pray for that doesn’t contradict those things, would be within the parameters of Scripture. Unfortunately, we often pray for things that are wrapped up in worldly desires: a better job, a bigger house. Even the healing of a sick loved one is a prayer rooted in our broken heart at the idea of losing them or seeing them suffer. At the same time though, He’s working out a plan for our good and His glory and He can see yesterday, today and tomorrow. He knows what we need to go through to draw closer to Him and that doesn’t always line up with what we want. I’ve found it’s best to remember the focus of the Lord’s Prayer: Thy will be done.  

When we become a Christian, God says we should have no other gods in our lives but Him. (Exodus 20:3) But how can we know for sure that He is the one true God? Is it sinful to explore other faiths to know for sure? What if we want to explore other faiths just to prove that He is indeed the one true God?

If you are certain of your faith and your salvation, it is only through the work of the Holy Spirit in your heart. I believed in God all my life, but didn’t truly understand the Gospel until the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to the truth that I am a sinner who deserves to go to hell. But God sent Jesus to die and go to hell in my place. Then he defeated death by rising again so that I can live on in heaven. I truly sobbed at the realization of what He did for me and I have never doubted since. If you are doubting, ask yourself, “If I died tonight, would I go to heaven?” If you can’t say with complete certainty, “Yes!” then pray that the Holy Spirit will open your eyes to the truth. And if you still want to explore the beliefs of other religions, I highly recommend, So What’s The Difference by Fritz Ridenour. He looks at 20 different religions and compares them to Christianity. You need to have the Christian perspective if you want the truth and not propaganda. You will learn that there is no doubt that the One true God is the God of the Holy Trinity that loves us and saved us and now lives in our hearts, sanctifying us daily so that we grow in our love for Him.

Recently, I have been struggling with thinking I am transgender. Biblically, is this wrong? What should I do? Do I just pray?

The word transgender has radically changed over the past ten years. It used to mean someone who had completed the long process (with surgeries and hormone therapies) of switching genders. Now, people have deluded society into believing that gender is “fluid.” It’s not. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139) And if you feel that you should have been male, I ask you to take a step back and consider why you feel that way. Is there any reason why you can’t continue as a female who doesn’t fall into the traditional female roles? I know several women who don’t wear make-up, keep their hair cut short, and never wear a dress. They aren’t married and don’t have kids. They still have full, wonderful lives and love the Lord. Some women have more testosterone in their systems than others. Some men have more estrogen than others. Some people are born with both female and male reproductive organs. It can be a burden that causes depression when you’re not like everyone else. And I believe this whole gender fluid movement is a way for people to embrace who they are without feeling stifled by society so they don’t get depressed--or that’s the theory. But it doesn’t work like that. Depression among transgender people is very high. The old way was to pretend and stifle how they felt. The new way is to “identify” as something other than what they really are. How does that fix anything? Both ways keep you from embracing who you are and how you are created. And if you don’t love yourself, how can you love others as much as you love yourself as we are commanded to do? We are all made in the image of God and are valuable and deserve dignity and respect. But it is not Biblical to believe that God accidentally put a male spirit into a female body. Our bodies here in this temporary life are made from dust and will return to dust. Sometimes they fail us because we live in a fallen world. We are called to glorify God in all we do, and to be in this world but not of it as we fix our eyes on Jesus and let the sacrifice He made for us be what we find our joy in--not anything in this world including our bodies or our sexual orientation. And someday Jesus will return and give you a glorious new body and there will be no more tears or brokenness or feeling like you don’t fit ever again. Until that time, I beg you to love who you are and glorify God with the life He has given you. Here is a link to some more Godly advice on this topic:    https://www.focusonthefamily.com/socialissues/sexuality/transgenderism/transgenderism-our-position      

I feel like I’m supposed to be with this person because God has set him in my life. But I think it was too soon?? How do I go back & take it slow?

By “be with” do you mean have sex? Or do you just mean that the relationship has become too serious too quickly? This is the compass we need to refer to for all life decisions: Am I glorifying God in this? We are called to glorify God in all that we do. That applies to our decisions about dating and sex. If God raised up a Godly man for you, and you both believe that you’re compatible and attracted to each other, then I’m not seeing the problem unless you started a sexual relationship. Before marriage is always too soon for that. Since it is sinful, it doesn’t glorify God. And that’s probably why you’re feeling burdened by it. But if you’re feeling rushed or uncomfortable or having doubts that he is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with for other reasons, then you need to take a step back and make sure you have the right perspective. (And if you are having sex, then definitely stop that! That takes away all perspective. Sex is meant to enhance the marriage relationship--not the dating relationship. It is meant to be a seal of the promises you make at the altar.) You go back and take it slow by having a conversation about how rushing into this relationship has made you uncomfortable and you’re not seeing how it glorifies God. Ask him to start over with a coffee date, then progress naturally from there, letting the focus be on growing in emotional intimacy and not physical intimacy.  

What do you do if you have a friend that says they are a child of Christ but you're not sure they are?

All you can do is pray that the Holy Spirit will open his/her eyes to the truth. And in the meantime, try to engage her in Bible study, church, ministries and be an example of Christ’s love to her.

My mom has been dealing with a lot of health issues for years now. She is lonely & depressed because she lives on her own & I’m unable to see her everyday because I work & I’m a married, full-time student. I love my mom so much but I’m finding that I am becoming very depressed myself & cry almost everyday because she deserves only the best. I feel like I am doing all that I can for her but I don’t feel like it’s enough. I’m 25 years old & feel exhausted to even do what I love to do because most of my energy goes to her. I don’t know what to do.

You are doing all that you can. Cut yourself some slack. Caring for a sick parent is more difficult than caring for children and way more stressful. You need to set some boundaries for your mental health and re-set your priorities. Put your relationship with God first, your husband second and your mother third. She can’t be your first priority and you have to be okay with that. And she has to be okay with that. You can’t let her guilt or shame you into putting her first. That is not what God wants you to do. He wants you to honor, respect, love and care for her, but not at the cost of your relationship with Him or your husband or even your education. Her loneliness and depression are not your responsibility to fix. Speak to your pastor about other women at the church or friends from the community who can visit her regularly or include her in Bible study. Tell her that you must--unless there’s an emergency--schedule her into your life. For example, see her after class on Monday, Wednesday, Friday. And that’s it. You can call her the other days just to check in. There is government assistance for people with chronic conditions and doctors can order home health care for her bathing and dressing needs as well as light housekeeping if she needs that. There are meals-on-wheels programs for homebound people as well. Please take advantage of all the resources available to you. But most importantly, take time for yourself and your relationship with God. You can’t fix your eyes on Jesus if your mother is causing you to fix your eyes on her. Please accept that you can’t fix her problems and give yourself permission to let go of that burden.      

How do you stay away from sexual sin in general? Not just the action, but the temptation & curiosity it brings?

There are so many kinds of sexual sin, but all can be avoided when we fix our eyes on Jesus. I know that sounds like a shallow answer, but I mean that this world is so full of sexual images that we are bombarded with constantly, and we shouldn’t allow ourselves to sink into that bottomless pit. We can’t live in this world and avoid them completely, but we are called to be in the world not of it. “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful, he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Cor. 10:13, NIV. When you feed your soul with good spiritual food, it won’t crave the worldly food anymore. So study your Bible, memorize Scripture, listen to Christian radio and podcasts. There will be plenty of time for sex after you’re married with the man you have vowed to love, honor and care for until death do you part. Sex is a gift from God to enhance the marriage relationship. Keep it where God wants you to keep it.  

I worry so so much everyday that my family won’t make it to Heaven. It really strikes my anxiety. Sometimes I even worry that I won’t make it to Heaven. Some people say it takes a lot to get into heaven & then some say you just have to be saved. I am so confused & overwhelmed on this topic, please help.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to earn your way into heaven except believe in the saving work of Christ. (Eph. 2:8-9) He did it all. We are all too sinful to go to heaven and the punishment for our sins is death--with no eternal life. But God in His infinite mercy sent Jesus to live a sinless life in a pitiful human body, so that He could die on the cross. Then He defeated death and rose to life in a new body. Because of what he suffered, God has pardoned us. Jesus paid the price for our sinfulness. Now, if we believe, we get to live on in heaven after we die to this world. In our thankfulness, we try to live our lives in a way that follows His commands to love Him with all of our hearts, souls and minds and love each other as much as we love ourselves. Some people believe that our good works here on earth are our tickets to heaven, but that is not what the Bible says. There is no judgment scale that weighs the good we’ve done against the bad to determine our merit for eternal life. Yes, we will be judged. But God will mercifully say, “Because you believed, your sins are forgiven. Welcome, good and faithful servant into your rest.”  Only the Holy Spirit can open our eyes to the truth and change our hearts so that we can understand Christ’s sacrifice and believe. All you can do for unbelievers in your family is pray for the Holy Spirit to show them the truth and be an example, shining the light of God’s love into their lives.

I've had struggles finding my self-worth after I allowed myself to have too much of an emotional attachment & commitment to a guy. It took me years to move on & let go of him. During this time, I prayed to God & thanked Him that burden had been lifted.

Now, my dilemma is that I think I haven't really & fully established my identity in Christ. Yes, I know I am worthy & enough, but sometimes the insecurity just creeps in.

I cut my hair short. At first, I thought I was some kind of feminist. I felt confident with that style- like a strong, independent woman.

But then there's androgyny. I looked it up. I am a straight female, but I am not very feminine. I feel like if I ever act like that, guys would take me easy & I do not want that. I feel like I've already given way too much before & my ego can't just take it.

I know God has given men authority over their wives. I acknowledge that. What I'm struggling with now is to actually change myself so people would like me- specifically males. I mean, I might be lonely, yeah, & there still is the lingering insecurity of not being enough plus the pressure of finding a partner- & I am only turning 22 this year.

That being said, my question is- should I change myself if I want people to like me? I know God loves me the way I am. It's just that I have a strong sense of pride I have built up over the years & I don't think I would want to be with someone who does not stand on equal footing with me. Yet, I am yearning for love & care from the opposite sex. I should pray to God to remove this pride, right? But not to a point I would be dumb-in-love, doing everything my future husband orders me to- even it's not good anymore. And be the woman God wants me to be.

God created us male and female to complement each other. But sometimes men have more female-like characteristics and sometimes women have more male-like characteristics. There’s nothing wrong with that and it’s certainly possible that you can find a man that fits your unique personality without having to change. That being said, love takes hard work and patience and kindness from both people. Men are supposed to be head of the household, but only because they are to model Christ’s love for their family. They aren’t supposed to be bullies or demand their own way and be inconsiderate of your needs. That’s not love. Read through 1 Cor. 13:4-7. Then read through it again substituting your name for the word “love.” You should be able to also substitute your boyfriend’s name for the word “love.” We can’t do it perfectly, but that’s what we strive for. Work on your relationship with Christ first. Join a Bible study and attend a Gospel-centered church. Once your focus is on Jesus and who you are as God’s child, the other stuff will no longer give you such anxiety and you can stop worrying about pleasing others and just live to please God.