EP 68: Biblical Submission is Beautiful. Here's Why.
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Hey, sister! I hope this episode finds you doing well.
This month, we are going to chat about the biblical call for wives to submit to their husbands.
Before we get to it, in last month’s episode I mentioned a little giveaway I was doing for those of you who took the time to leave a review between then and November’s episode. Lana_velaz and effacebook.
Thank you both for your sweet reviews and for your support of the show. I’m so thankful! Please email me at hello@daughterofdelight to claim your gift cards.
Alright, let’s get into today’s episode because it’s a big one. Whether you are single or married, submission is an incredibly important topic for anyone who desires marriage or is married. Why is it so important? Well, because it’s a biblical command for wives to submit to their husbands. And for some reason, verses like Ephesians 5:22 and Colossians 3:18 that instruct wives to submit to their husbands get a lot of backlash and just have an all around bad rep. It shouldn’t be this way, and the point of today’s episode is to explain why that is. Why the act of submission should make us excited and bring us joy and delight.
If you’re cringing as I say that, this episode is especially for you! Lend me your ear for the duration of this episode and you will walk away with a different and right perspective of submission.
A Great Misunderstanding
The idea of a woman submitting to her husband through the lens of the world is completely unthinkable.
Why? Because we think that it makes us less than. We think it means the husband always gets his way. We think it means our opinions and convictions do not matter simply because we are women. We think that it means we are subjected to a life of being enslaved to our husband’s thoughts and wants over our own.
A Gentle Reminder
There are many Christian women today who do not like the way the word “submit” makes them feel, so they ignore it instead. Maybe that’s you. It certainly used to be me.
If so, let this be a gentle reminder that there is so much more to submission you are missing out on. Let this also be a gentle reminder that there are many things regarding God’s Word that will, indeed, offend the flesh. But that’s a good thing. God’s truth matters so much more than our feelings. Does that mean He doesn’t care about our feelings? Absolutely not.
But it does mean He knows what’s best for us and He has created His creation and ordained the roles He has for His glorious purpose. Our role as His children is to be obedient to His sovereign ways, despite how we might feel about it. Because although we are not meant to understand God in all of His fullness and all of His ways, the not knowing part of our faith walk is an invitation to trust, and be sanctified more and more into the image of Christ as we do so. What a difficult, beautiful and humbling process that is.
Jesus Feminist
I used to consider myself a “Jesus feminist”. Yep, you heard that right. Due to certain out-of-context things I was taught growing up in regards to wives submitting to their husbands, I absolutely hated the word and wanted nothing to do with it. I was on fire to see more and more women prove men wrong in the sense that we could do anything they could do, and I wanted to be one of them.
Oof! Talk about being led by my feelings.
Thankfully, the Lord did a work in my heart and, after lots of pruning and humbling, opened my eyes to the beauty of biblical submission when I took the time to actually study it within the context of Scripture.
Now, I can confidently tell you I love submitting to my husband. I may not always be good at it, and I will certainly never be perfect at it, but the desire to submit to him is there. Thanks be to God.
My goal with this episode is to paint the biblical beauty of the call to submission in the God-honoring light it belongs in. To help you walk away with a positive connection to this word and an excitement to fulfill it with your spouse or future spouse.
Biblical submission is so beautiful, and its fruits are sweet indeed!
Submit to the Holy Spirit
So, where do we start? With the call to submit to the Holy Spirit, of course. Take a look at Galatians 5:16 with me:
“But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh” (ESV).
Have you ever considered what it means to submit to the Spirit?
Simply put, to walk in the Spirit is to dwell in active fellowship with Christ; to live in the light of His holiness.
To walk in the Spirit is to view your own desires as insignificant to God’s will; to cultivate a deep delight in the Lord that stirs your affection for Him in such a way that has you longing for the things He longs for. Sure, the desires of the flesh are still there, but you know you don’t have to listen to them. You know that, in looking to Christ, the strength to fight against the flesh can be found.
When we submit to the Holy Spirit, we are more willing and able to submit to our husbands in a way that honors God. Because we recognize the act of submission is not ultimately for our husbands, but the Lord. We submit as a means to live in direct obedience to what God commands of us.
The Wisdom of Ephesians 5
Ephesians 5 holds a tremendous amount of wisdom for us when it comes to submission. For the rest of our time together today, we are going to explore Ephesians 5:18-33. So, grab your Bible if you haven’t already done so and let’s dive in.
Let’s begin by taking a look at Ephesians 5:18-21 together:
Listing out things Christians should and should not be doing, Paul says, “18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” (ESV).
There are two main lines of interpretation when it comes to the command in this passage to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
First, Christians are to express mutual submission to one another without any type of societal role or order distinction established by God. Second, Christians are to submit respectively to one another based on the roles God has established within society.
I personally believe the Lord has entrusted and called both men and women to different roles. I also believe men and women are equal in the eyes of the Lord. I think the flow of Paul’s argument here–how he moves immediately in Ephesians 5:22-6:9 to describe what submission looks between wives and husbands, children and parents, and slaves and masters—illustrates that he sees a God-designed order in society for who ought to submit to whom.
I wholeheartedly believe men and women are to both first submit to the Holy Spirit in order to successfully fulfill the roles God has entrusted to us. With this in mind and the passage we have here in Ephesians from Paul, I believe wives are to submit to their husbands and husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church.
Even if you disagree with me, I would argue that it’s important to listen to different theological beliefs understandings. Because at the end of the day, all I want is to know what’s true. And I hope the same is true for you. One of the beautiful ways of accomplishing this is to humbly listen to one another even in the midst of disagreement for the sake of unity and edification.
That being said, let’s go ahead and take a look at Ephesians 5:22-33
“22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Here is what we just read: wives are to submit to their husbands and husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. In doing so, we demonstrate respect before the Lord, a desire to obey God and submit to His ways over our own, and a longing to live our lives from a place of worship and awe for Him.
Hebrews 12:28-29 sums it up well: “Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our ’God is a consuming fire’” (ESV).
Proverbs 1:7 also tells us, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge” (ESV).
Sister, wisdom from the Lord begins when we fear the Lord and live in awe of Him; when we live in submission to the Holy Spirit. Not when we live out of the great misunderstanding that we are to submit to our husbands in order to be enslaved to their ways. This is not biblical. The act of submission is beautiful and God-glorifying from the start, and there is nothing unfortunate or threatening about that. God would never command those who belong to Him to do anything harmful. He knows what is best for us. He loves us and wants the things that lead to His glory and our flourishing in Him.
What Does “Submission” Actually Mean?
When we do a deep dive with this word, submit, we learn that it means “to be under in rank.”
This is a military word that speaks to the ways in which armies are organized among levels of rank. Like generals and colonels and majors and captains and sergeants and privates, and so forth.
Let’s break this down further.
As a person, a private can be smarter than a general. But he is still under rank to the general.
And the takeaway from this is that submission itself does not have anything to do with someone being smarter or more talented. Wives can certainly be smarter and more talented than their husbands. In fact, there are many who are. But the biblical call to submission has to do with a God-appointed order. An order that is good and right because He declared it so. It has nothing to do with how smart or talented one may be. And that’s the difference between how the world views submission compared to how God has ordained it to be. It’s not about one’s value or ability, but the Father’s order and authority.
Sister, please hear me when I say that loving leadership from a husband and submission from a wife reflect God’s good plan for His people.
“As to the Lord”
Verse 22 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”
The words “As to the Lord,” are incredibly significant here. And it refers to the motive of the wife’s submission. Meaning, part of a wife’s duty to the Lord is to submit to her husband in such a way that honors God and demonstrates her respect for and obedience to Him. It means the very motive of a wife’s submission must first, always and only be obedience and respect to Jesus. The ability for a wife to properly fulfill her role of submitting to her husband can only come from her submission to Christ himself. From there she is able to offer her husband the obedience and respect he deserves. And the same goes for the husband. In order to love his wife like he loves himself, his motive must first, always and only be submission to the Holy Spirit.
Submission in Marriage
It is important to note here that submission does not mean inferiority. Nor does it mean silence. Nor does it mean that we are not entitled to our own opinions. With this understanding, we can more clearly see that submission is a sign of strength and honor, not weakness. When we choose to submit to our husbands, it is because we desire to honor the Lord’s purpose for marriage. To reflect Jesus and His church.
The church is the bridegroom of Christ. She yields herself to Jesus through a loving and trusting act of submission. This is the same model for a Christian wife. As she yields herself to the Word of God, she reflects the church body’s submission to Jesus. A wife’s act of submission is a beautiful demonstration and declaration of the Gospel.
I love the way Enduring Word Commentary describes submission: “There is a mission for the Christian marriage, and that mission is obeying and glorifying God. The wife says, ‘I’m going to put myself under that mission. That mission is more important than my individual desires. I’m not putting myself below my husband, I’m putting myself below the mission God has for our marriage, for my life.’”
How beautifully put this is! In submitting to our husbands, we are not putting ourselves below them as if we are inferior and not near as worthy in the eyes of God. Rather, we are putting ourselves below the mission God has for marriage. A husband and wife are equal in the eyes of the Lord, but the roles are different. And because He has ordained it in this light, we can rejoice that the act of submission is a good and right thing!
Women Are to Be Loved By Their Husbands
The beauty of biblical submission is that it allows the wife to confidently follow her husband’s lead. Ephesians 5:23 (ESV), which says, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior,” makes it clear that a man does have responsibility for leadership in his home. But it is only as a leader that the wife submits to her husband — not as a tyrant or her superior.
A husband should always lead with love! The biblical call to leadership for a husband does not include the freedom to mock or belittle his wife for her thoughts and feelings. This is an abuse of his leadership and it should never be used in this way. Obviously, we are not perfect and mocking or smarting off to one another will likely happen in marriage. That said, the goal should always remain the same. That is, to love and point one another to Christ through our marital roles and responsibilities. It is good and right for husbands to lead with love; to include the wife in decision-making and to be intentional in considering her perspectives with wisdom and respect.
Scripture is clear about God’s design for marriage, but it never suggests that one spouse is more important or valuable than the other. In the eyes of God, men and women have equal worth but different roles.
Let me say this again: In the eyes of God, men and women have equal worth but different roles.
When a husband and wife discover and embrace how God has uniquely wired them to work in harmony and complement one another in submission, they exhibit the love that exists between Christ and His bride. How beautiful this is!
Actively practicing submission does not mean we won’t have opinions of our own. We certainly will, and that’s not a bad thing. Having our own opinions and ideas about issues, even if they differ from our husband’s, can be quite beneficial and edifying to conversations with our husbands. Genesis 2:18 (ESV), which says, “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone;I will make him a helper fit for him,’” reminds us that we are to be our husband’s help-meet, not his doormat. Meaning, our opinions, encouragement, wisdom, and advice can, and oftentimes will be invaluable to our husbands. That said, actively practicing submission looks like expressing our opinions and ideas with respect and without making our husbands feel less than or belittled. In submission to the Lord first and foremost, we are able to humbly submit to our husbands and retain this very humility in our conversations and decision-making.
The Reality of Leadership & Submission
If you were to see into the heart of my marriage with Michael, you would certainly not see perfection. But you would find like-mindedness. You would find a loving husband who is working on leading his family to the best of his ability and a wife who is doing her best to support, encourage and affirm him as he does so.
You would also see failure, disagreements and the occasional bickering. Soon after, though, you would see apologies and forgiveness.
Ultimately, you would find two people who are doing their best to live as one flesh by submitting to the marital roles God has ordained. You would see just how much they desire and seek to rely on His strength and grace in order to do just that.
My dear sister, a wife’s submission and a husband’s loving leadership combined shape a marriage into an incredibly beautiful and God-honoring thing. I’m so thankful I am married to a man who fulfills his leadership role in a way that points me to Christ and I pray that, in my role of submitting to him, he, too, is pointed to Christ.
What Submission is Not
All of that being said, there are certainly exceptions to the role of submission. By this, I am referring to when things are not as they should be.
From her desire to submit to her husband, a wife recognizes her responsibility first belongs to the Lord. From submission to the Holy Spirit comes wisdom. This is the same wisdom we are to encourage our husbands with. And this is the same wisdom our husbands should be leading with.
That said, if a husband asks his wife to do something that goes against God’s Word, the wife is not obligated to listen to her husband. Nor should she. Our allegiance first belongs to Christ. In addition, a wife should also recognize her act of submission should reflect the truth that her hope lies in God, not her husband. Husbands are not our saving grace. Christ alone is.
Let me reiterate that…
God is the ultimate authority in all things- not our husbands. And we must not forget that.
Let me end with this: if you or someone you know is married to an abusive husband, this husband is disobeying Christ. Colossians 3:19 orders husbands to, “love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Further, as we read in Ephesians 5:28-29, they are to, “love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it” (ESV).
If there is abuse in the picture, please do not hesitate to seek help immediately- from both the authorities and the church. You can call Focus on the Family’s licensed or pastoral counselors at 1-855-771-4357, or The National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
As we wrap up our time together today, I thought it would be good to give you a picture of what submission looks like through a real-life example.
That is, finances. As Christians, we are to be good stewards of all God has entrusted to us- including money. My husband excels in this in ways I do not. If I were to excel in this in ways he did not, my supporting him and our family in this regard would likely look like me writing the checks and keeping eyes on our accounts and investments. But in our case, it’s the other way around. That said, as a submissive wife I should not simply leave the task of finances in his hands, but check in and ask how we are doing with the current financial goals that we have and etc.
In full transparency, one of the things I used to really struggle with was buying clothes, oftentimes in secret because I knew I didn’t need clothes, I just wanted them. That’s not to say that I have to ask Michael for permission to buy every single thing, but if it exceeds a certain amount one of the agreements and parameters we have set in place is to bring it up before clicking the buy button.
In regards to a struggle I have had with buying in secret, it usually happens around this time of year. All the snuggly sweaters just give me all the feels! And if I’m not careful, I can spend too much, too fast. I would usually try to justify it by buying the things I did on sale so I knew I could tell Michael it was on sale when the package showed up on the doorstep. And if I knew I spent too much money, I would hope the package showed up before Michael had the chance to see it and ask about it.
Truth be told, I used to be pretty manipulative about how I went about doing this. I would put it on the credit card and pay it off a few weeks later. I was NOT honoring the financial goals we set for our marriage and I was certainly not submitting to my husband’s leadership when I did this.
Thankfully, I don’t really struggle with buying in secret anymore, but I do often have the temptation to spend. I am thankful for my husband’s loving leadership and his grace as we have worked together for me to overcome this and be more honoring to the Lord and my marital roles as a result.
Another example of what submission looks like in our marriage is offering wisdom and encouragement to Michael wherever I can. I trust him to do what is best for our family, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want my input. He does. He delights in including me in conversations. Michael and I are each other's best friend. There are no secrets in our marriage. When he is struggling to lead, he lets me know. When I am struggling to submit, I let him know. Again, our marriage is not perfect, but it is ordained. And at the center of our faults–at the center of this marriage–is our desire to honor God more and more.
If I want want you to walk away from this episode with anything, it’s this:
A biblical marriage demonstrates the truth that (1) Christ is the ultimate Headship and (2) God knows what is best for us and His way of submission and headship is the path of joy.
So, whether you are married or hoping to be married one day, I pray this episode has blessed and encouraged you to find joy and delight in the biblical role of submission. I hope you walk away trusting that it really is a beautiful thing and that you get to taste just how sweet its fruits truly are.
Soli deo Gloria.
