EP 63: Navigating Heartbreak and Hope - Selah’s Story
Hey, Sister.
Wow, it feels so good to be back with you! This time last year, I was sharing the diagnosis we had received regarding my daughter Selah’s unique heart physiology. And what a year it’s been! I am rejoicing in all God has done since then with my almost 9 month old beauty, Selah.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it. This has been the most difficult season of my life. You can only prepare so much going into the birth of a child who, you know will need a handful of open heart surgeries in her first few months of life. You can memorize every detail behind the needed surgeries and pray for the Father to prepare your heart as you get closer and closer to the unfolding of this chapter to begin. But it’s so different when you’re there. It’s so different when that precious baby is in your arms and you know what’s coming for them and you so badly wish you could change the trajectory of their story. You want to go into something like this confident of the outcome. But you simply cannot, because you simply do not know the things that are to come.
Truly, there are no words that can properly describe or justify what it’s like to be in the heart of something like this.
I am not the same person I was before Selah’s arrival. But that’s a good thing in my case. God has done such a work in my heart with her story and I cling even tighter to the hope we have in Christ Jesus. In the midst of my heartbreak, I did my best to lean into the heart of God. In doing so, I found comfort and solace. In the midst of my fear of what tomorrow may bring, yet alone what the next hour held, I was able to find peace.
Although it was incredibly tempting to focus on the things unknown, I did my absolute best to keep my eyes set on what I did know: God delights in redeeming and restoring. And even if Selah didn’t get to enjoy life with me and her daddy on this side of heaven, she would get to enjoy the life that truly matters. The life that awaits all who are in Christ.
This episode is not going to be for everyone, but I felt as if it were the best way to return to the podcast. So many of you have prayed for Selah since before she was born. You have played such a special role in her story and I want you to know how God used your prayers and how He worked one miracle after the next in the life of my daughter.
That said, for our time together today and tomorrow, I will be sharing my birth story and what Selah endured during the first few months of her life– both expected and unexpected. I do want to say that I endured a traumatic birth experience in more ways than one and I willa as be sharing how we almost lost her a handful of times. So, if you’d rather not tune in to this episode please know I completely understand and would never ask you to sit through something you do not want or need to hear.
For those of you who do stick around, buckle up. And maybe grab a tissue or two. Because I will likely shed some tears as I share with you the most utterly difficult and breathtakingly beautiful story of the miracle who is my daughter…my sweet Selah.
Before we really dive in, I want to kick off my birth story today by sharing some encouragement. Whether you have experienced a traumatic birth or something else that was pretty traumatic for you, I pray you find comfort in the following truths.
First off, although it may feel like it, peace is not contingent on our circumstances. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:6-7
In Christ, we have access to His all-surpassing peace, all the time. In the midst of our hurting, confusion and frustration, choosing to have the Lord’s peace might be the very last thing we want to do. But when we humble ourselves and admit before the Father we are hurting and we need the strength to keep going, He will meet us there and supply us with our every need. When we reach for His peace in those weighty, heartbreaking moments, it will feel like picking an apple from a tree. By this, I mean God doesn’t tease us with His peace. When we reach for it, it’s always there, always comforting, always the balm to our weary souls. So grab it, my friend, and hold onto it as you seek the healing you long for.
The next thing I want to encourage you with is the beauty of inviting Jesus into the dark places of our hearts. You know, the places where we store things we do not want anyone else to see or know about. We’ve all done it. But God is an all-knowing Father. He knows everything about us. He knows more about us than we will ever know about ourselves because He is the One who breathed life into us! It’s okay if you are struggling, but just remember our struggles are not meant to be battled alone. We are safe and secure in God’s loving embrace. He delights when we expose the very real and raw things that have caused our hurting before Him, because He knows that when we do so, we have fixed our eyes on Him and are therefore one step closer to healing.
Finally, know that it is okay to get help. For some reason, there is a terrible stigma associated with Christians that getting help from someone like a therapist means that we do not have enough faith to “pray it away” and be fully healed by the Lord. There is so much wrong with this assumption and it has only done harm in the minds of believers. God has gifted many people with the incredible ability to help us walk through hard things. To help us find the healing we long for. To help us fix our eyes on the Lord and thrive in Christ, despite the hardships we face in this life! The truth is, if it were up to us to have enough faith for X, Y, or Z, the outcome wouldn’t be good. Because we would pick ourselves over God, over and over again. Even in Christ, we sin every day. We need the saving grace and mercy of our great God every hour of every day. It is only in Him and through Him and because of Him that we walk in the newness of life; that we stand in victory.
The Father’s hand is always at work, even in the midst of our painful circumstances. We may not fully understand it on this side of heaven, but that’s only because we’re not meant to. Our fickle human minds could never comprehend the Lord in all of His fullness. But, I pray that anytime you are faced with a circumstance you don’t understand, you would view it as an opportunity to trust. God will never not be all-knowing. And it’s to Him whom we belong. Let this truth bring great comfort and solace to your weary soul!
This podcast episode is brought to you by Christian Healthcare Ministries, a faith-based, non profit, voluntary, cost sharing ministry through which hundreds of thousands of Christians all across the world share each other’s eligible medical bills. As a mama, one of my favorite parts about being a CHM member is their extremely generous maternity program. As Gold and Brother’s Keeper program members, my husband, Michael, and I were able to focus on what mattered most as we prepared for Selah’s arrival, knowing that 100% of our eligible maternity bills would be shared. Our CHM maternity experience was filled with a tremendous amount of joy and gratitude. It allowed us to take a step back and truly enjoy and celebrate our baby girl’s life before and after her arrival. If you’d like to learn more about CHM and whether or not it’s a great fit for you and your family, visit info.chministries.org/daughterlist OR simply click the link shared in today’s show notes. You will find lots of CHM goodies for you to enjoy by doing so!
In case you haven’t heard her story or if you need a refresher, Selah was born with a handful of single ventricle heart defects- TGA (transposition of the great arteries), VSD (ventricular septal defect), and PDA (patent ductus arteriosus). In her case, this means she has a full-sized heart, but only one ventricle instead of two. The other problem is that her oxygen rich and her oxygen poor blood are mixing. The open heart surgeries Selah has had so far have helped to relieve her heart of doing so much and to start separating the oxygen rich and poor blood. Her oxygen rich and poor blood will not be completely separated until, God willing, her last procedure between the ages of 2 and 4. Then, she will no longer be what is called a “blue baby”. Although, you can hardly tell she is a blue baby thanks to the most recent surgery she had, the Glenn. This rerouted the upper portion of her body’s blood flow. The Fontan will be the next and hopefully last surgery she will need, and it will reroute the lower portion of her body’s blood flow. She should be nice and pink after that!
We received confirmation of Selah’s diagnosis on July 15, 2021 and I gave birth to her on November 6. This gave my husband Michael and I around 4 months to do our best to prepare for her arrival and just how different it would be compared to what we were imagining and longing for.
We had Selah’s name picked out prior to her diagnosis, and my goodness what a special touch from the Father that was! Her name was inspired by Psalm 46, the psalm that is popular for its charge to be still and know. “Selah” is a call to pause and reflect, specifically on the glorious truths of God. Michael and I love the meaning of this word and chose it as her name because we want its meaning to be a prayer over her life. Because we want (& need) a daily reminder for us to recall and rejoice in the act of surrendering her life into the hands of our Maker.
Her name was a constant reminder to us that the best thing we can do to truly prepare our hearts for all that was to come was to sit and soak in the grace-filled presence of our sovereign God; to be still and know.
God was very gracious to us in leading us to receive Selah’s care from the director of pediatric cardiology at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital, Dr Anne Kavanaugh. She has been SO wonderful from the start and has gone out of her way in more ways than one to make sure we feel seen and cared for.
Once we received Selah’s official diagnosis, we stopped going to the OBGYN we started with because all of our care needed to be handled by the cardiology team at Vanderbilt. This meant frequent echocardiograms to monitor any changes to Selah’s heart anatomy while she was still in-utero. Something really beautiful about my being pregnant with her is that she was the safest she will ever be while in my stomach. My heart was sustaining her in the ways her heart could not. And I can’t help but ponder on what an amazing God we serve when I think about this. He sustains us in ways we will never truly be able to comprehend, and being able to sustain Selah in this way while she continued to grow pointed me to this truth over and over again.
I learned pretty early on that I was not going to be able to have the type of birth experience I envisioned. Because of Selah’s heart anatomy, her medical team believed an induction would be best. This would be to ensure her medical team was all hands on deck per her arrival. Meaning, once she started to crown, about 15 people would join us in the room to ensure she got exactly what she needed once I delivered her. Sadly, this also meant I got exactly 60 seconds–one single minute–of skin-to-skin with my child. If you know me personally, you know I enjoy a holistic approach to health before seeking medical intervention. I was pretty bummed when I learned my course of action would not be the best course of action for Selah due to her medically fragile state she would enter the world in. That said, this was humbling for me because it required me to lay down my wants and desires in order to embrace the truth that what was best for my Selah was exactly what was best for me.
Unfortunately, my induction and overall birth experience was pretty traumatic. I know it could have been worse, but I also know it could have been better.
I honestly can’t even remember half of it since I was in labor for 48 hours, but I had a feeling that would happen so I asked Michael to keep a timeline of events on his phone for me.
So, let me just give a quick and special shoutout to my hubs for making this episode possible thanks to his notes from the big day! You’re the best, babe!
My induction was scheduled for Thursday, November 4. I couldn’t help but wonder if baby girl would make her grand appearance on our wedding anniversary, which is Nov 5. I was determined she would and couldn’t wait to share the special day with us. But she decided she wanted her own date and entered the world at 5:49 AM on November 6. She was 7 pounds, 15 ounces and 22 inches long. She certainly got her length from her daddy, who is 6 foot 1. I’m 5 foot 3, haha!
Upon our arrival for my induction on the fourth, I had an ultrasound that showed I was already experiencing contractions. This was so surprising to me because I couldn’t feel anything. Once that was done, we were moved into our room and I was hooked up to a monitor so that we could keep an eye on how Selah was doing.
Not long after that, I had my first cervical check. It was painful but manageable. For some women, it’s not painful at all. For others, it’s incredibly painful. Either way, I want to take the chance to let those of you who are listening know that cervical checks are not necessary and you CAN say no. You are your best advocate, even if you are tempted to feel otherwise.
With my first cervical check came the knowledge that I was at a 1. It was also at this point that I received pitocin. This is the drug that is used to induce labor. Once they administered it, we waited two hours until the next cervical check.
This cervical check was exceedingly painful and I was still at a 1. They tried to insert a foley bulb at this point, which is a device that helps open the cervix, but the doula who attempted to do this was unable to because it was so incredibly painful for me.
At this point, I was starting to stress out and feel out of control with my labor experience. But I also knew I had a long way to go and I didn’t want anything else that could go wrong to go wrong– especially with everything we were already facing upon Selah’s arrival. My heart was just tied up in so many different directions of worry and thought.
So, to help me relax, I opted for the epidural. I was glad I did with this birth, but I also had some issues with it because I do not respond well to any type of medicine. In fact, I almost passed out–multiple times–and had to have an anesthesiologist come in and adjust it since every dose I received led to a drop in my blood pressure.
On top of that, although I finally had the foley bulb inserted, the person who inserted it put it in the wrong spot…and didn’t realize it until after the waiting period when she came back to see how much I had dilated. It was several hours and at this point I was internally a hot mess.
Although the provider’s mistake was out of my control, and even though I was a nervous wreck, my baby girl was safe and continued to look great on the monitor. Thanks be to God.
Finally, on the third attempt to insert the foley bulb, it was inserted correctly. We had multiple people make sure. That said, it came out earlier than expected and I was at a 3 when it did.
But I was so stressed out, constantly lightheaded from low blood pressure caused by my epidural, and worried about something else going wrong that I got sick a handful of times. I don’t remember getting sick, but my husband sure does. He and my mom were in the room with me the entire 48 hours we waited for Selah to arrive.
I slept on and off as much as I could because the wait was a long one.
On November 5th, after 24 hours of all the back and forth, I was not even at a 2. So, they inserted a foley bulb, again.
In full transparency, at this point I was especially frustrated because I didn’t understand the need to force my baby to arrive when she was not ready. It was also putting my body under a tremendous amount of stress. I understand the desire her medical team had to be present for her arrival, but the induction itself took days. Not hours. Days.
Thankfully, the foley bulb came out fairly quick because my cervix was so soft at this point.
Everything started to really move along after this and I started to get excited because I knew I would hold my baby in just a matter of hours at this point.
Although I didn’t have the best induction experience, I had the absolute BEST nurses. There was one nurse in particular who stayed in my room when she didn’t have to and she also gave me massages. She was an absolute Godsend and a joy to be around. I will never forget her. She also was the best encourager when it was time to push.
The induction itself lasted 48 hours and I pushed on and off for 2 of those hours. Now, when I say push, I did my best to let my body do most of the work. It was kind of hard to do since I had an epidural and was numb all over, but I really focused on letting my mind and body tell me when to push instead of pushing the entire time.
Gosh, I was so tired. 48 hours of barely any sleep, a handful of complications and now finding the energy to push?
But there was a special moment that took place that gave me everything I needed to keep going. The midwife that delivered Selah told me she could see Selah’s hair, and that it looked like a head full of hair. Then, she asked if I wanted to touch her head. Immediately, I leaned forward and touched her head. And with that precious, tender touch came the second wind I needed.
Soon after, at 5:49 on Saturday, November 6, my beautiful baby girl was in my arms.
I didn’t realize how many people were in the room until she was being taken out of my arms, one minute later.
This isn’t an exaggeration. I had exactly 60 seconds with her before she had to be taken from the adult hospital to the NICU. There were about 15 people who had set up everything to transfer her and who would be there every step of the way until they got her to her room.
This is because she needed to be given something called “prostins” that would keep her Patent Ductus Arteriosus vessel open until her first surgery. This vessel generally closes around 9 hours of age. Part of me understands why her medical team was ready to get her over to the NICU once she was born, but another part of me will always wonder why I couldn’t have at least 5 minutes alone with her. But, I know they didn’t want to risk anything with the blood vessel closing, so it was a better safe than sorry kind of move. And I will always want the better safe than sorry option for my girl.
While I was left in the room to deliver the after birth with my wonderful mother by my side, my husband followed our baby and her medical team.
Selah stayed in the NICU while I recovered in the adult hospital. It was about a ten minute walk from where I was to where she was, and Michael was constantly checking on both of us.
He was such a trooper. As soon as he was with Selah, he would video call me so I could see her.
Unfortunately, something about my traumatic labor experience stunned my bladder. I literally could not go to the bathroom even though my bladder was full and I had the urge to go.
This means that I had to have a catheter inserted into my bladder in order to relieve it. This happened three times and it was the most unbearable amount of pain I have EVER endured.
In fact, the third time they inserted it I had to have two nurses hold me down so I wouldn’t flinch. And I screamed bloody murder. My bladder was so inflamed.
No wonder I’m so traumatized.
Long story short, I was discharged from the hospital with a catheter that came with a lovely, clear urine bag attached to my leg. My husband and I had to go through a training for how to care for my catheter until it was removed before we were discharged, which was a week later, by the way.
Most mothers get to heal from their labor experience in the comfort of their own home. But I didn’t get that. I had to heal postpartum in the hospital alongside my baby girl who was fighting for her life. My parents live close to the hospital we were at, so I did spend the first week or so there. But after that, Michael and I slept on hard hospital couches and in uncomfortable recliners. It took me forever to heal and I damaged my pelvic floor because I was unable to care for myself like one should after having a baby. But let me just give a quick shout out to the gift of pelvic floor therapy, because it has been a tremendous blessing in my life!
All of that said, thankfully I had a wheelchair the hospital loaned me until I could walk again. Getting from point A to point B was really hard for me, but by the grace of God I managed and He sustained.
If you have a child, you know that once they arrive in the world your entire world is shifted in the most beautiful of all ways. It is such a humbling thing because this incredible maternal instinct kicks in and you know you would, without a doubt, do anything for your child.
This is exactly how I felt about Selah. Despite my pain, I did not want to leave her side. I had a hard time leaving the hospital in the late evenings that first week after delivering her because I couldn’t bear the thought of being away from her. There were alot of tears, but I’m glad Michael encouraged me to rest and heal because I needed to take care of myself in the ways I could before her journey as a heart warrior officially got started. Once this chapter started, I never left the hospital again.
I think this is a good spot for us to wrap up part one of my birth story episode. Tomorrow, I’ll be releasing part two. This is the episode that will cover Selah’s journey from her birth to currently.
That said, if you take anything from my birth story, please let it be this:
Even when we feel out of control, God does not. The uncontrollable never takes Him by surprise, and He is sovereign over it all. I pray this would comfort you as much as it has and continues to comfort me.
I can’t wait to share the things God has done in the life of this beautiful, marvelous child. Oh, what a special mark He has laid on her life. What a special mark indeed.
Thanks for joining me for today’s episode, sister. It feels so good to be back. Talk with you tomorrow!