Daughter Dilemmas, Week 140

Welcome to Week 140 of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

How do you find Spiritual & physical rest in the midst of a busy work week & social life? I have been feeling nudged to find rest recently, and I do not know how to. I work 8-5 Monday to Friday & am busy with church & Bible study commitments in the evenings. Even on my weekends I am usually busy with church/other commitments. How do I rest when there are things that really do need to be done?

This is a great question and one I'm sure many people have/struggle with. It can be so hard to find the time to rest and not feel guilty for doing so in this chaotic, fast-paced world. That said, I highly recommend listening to episode 18 of The Daughter of Delight Podcast if you haven't already done so. There is so much goodness in it! To give you a glimpse, Elle addresses the lie that biblical rest equates to laziness, the need to enter God's rest and just how important it is for our spiritual health to do so, and tangible ways to do just that when it feels near impossible so that we can cultivate a love for rest in the presence of God. Give it a listen and be blessed, my dear sister!

I'm in need of comfort & encouragement, sister. Do you have any Biblical support for those who may have suffered or are currently suffering from miscarriages? Are there instances of infant loss recorded in the Bible? How do we know when we're ready to try again?

Oh, sister, I’m so sorry for your loss. I have felt that loss two times, and I honestly never thought I would be able to get past my deep grief. I literally could not stop crying for hours. And continued to stay up most nights crying, so that I didn’t cry in front of my husband and other children. It is natural to grieve. Sometimes people can’t understand that. Losing a child is devastating, whether that child isn’t born yet or has lived thirty years. It’s also natural to be angry at God. But please remember as you grieve that God didn’t do this to you. Yes, He is sovereign, but He never wants to cause us pain. Pain and suffering and loss happens because we live in a fallen world. Someday, when Christ returns, there will be no more tears or death or illness. (Rev. 21:4) But now, our bodies don’t always work the way we want them to. Sometimes, that means never being able to conceive. Sometimes, that means miscarriage. Sometimes, it means a baby is not formed perfectly. (If you’re following Elle’s story, you know our dear Selah will be born with a single ventricle heart. And though we are thankful she can live with that, and we are focused on the joy of her existence at all, we still grieve that her heart isn’t perfect and the difficult road she will have.) It’s all heart wrenching. And all a product of this fallen, broken world. And though God may be able to use your pain through your testimony and ability to minister to others, He didn’t do it to you on purpose to punish you. He loves you with such a big love that you can’t even understand it. It is more than we are capable of loving. The Bible doesn’t speak to miscarriage specifically. But it does speak to how the Lord wants us to lean in to Him when we are brokenhearted. If we continue to focus on any pain that we have in this world, we are clinging too tightly to this world. We must lift our eyes, pray that the Holy Spirit will give us His peace (Phil. 4:5-7)  as we remember that everything in this world is temporary, but His love and our relationship with Him is eternal. Jesus said, “In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Reminding us, that our true joy should always come from our salvation in Him and not from the things we love in this world. Here are some verses that have comforted me in times of grief: Psalm 71:20-23, Isaiah 25:8, John 16:22, Lam. 3:31-33, Psalm 147:3, 1 Peter 5:10, Psalm 34:18. But the one that really helps me fix my eyes on Jesus: “Therefore we do not lose heart. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2 Cor. 4:16-18).

What’s the line between forgiveness/love/acceptance & an unhealthy/meaningless pursuit of a friendship/relationship?

We are called to forgive as we have been forgiven. (Eph. 4:32) But we are forgiven when we come to Him in repentance. If your unhealthy/toxic friend is not repentant and continues to hurt you, it may be better to set some serious boundaries or part ways. Pray for him/her so that your heart can be softened to forgive, but don’t submit to further abuse. 

In my friend group we are all believers, but I would say I am a little more devoted than my friends. One is in a relationship with someone that has been upset with God for years & the other one has started “wanting to have fun” with guys & this all scares me. I worry for their souls & their happiness. I know I need to pray & just wait for God to work in their lives, but that is so hard. Any advice on how to handle the situation & what to pray?

The very best thing you can do is hold them accountable to Truth and pray for them along the way while you keep your eyes fixed on Christ. Pray that they will realize that they are being pulled away by the world. Pray that the Holy Spirit will open their eyes to the fact that they are being pulled away from their relationship with God and into worldly pursuits and worldly attitudes. We are called to be in this world but not of it. (Romans 12:2) Pray that they will come to you for advice and you will have the right words to help them see the Truth. Pray for strength not to give in to the temptation of plunging into the world with them. 

I’m part of a fiction writing class in college where, often, the topics are very gory & dark. I do my best to tune out the conversation, but I have to pay attention sometimes for credit. I acknowledge that my faith guards me & is the most important thing in my life, so my heart & mind are protected by my Savior. How do I navigate being so submerged in this darkness when it’s required for my major? I hope to be a writer someday that writes Christian fiction & devotionals.

As you know, the darkness in our culture can be so hard to avoid. I urge you to start a Bible study and prioritize daily time in the Word. Staying in the Word is the best way to guard your heart and mind. Thankfully, the semester is half over. You’re almost free from that class. Choose your future classes with this experience in mind. Be sure you read reviews from other students on the class and the teacher. The web description of the class can be very different. Hopefully, you can avoid these problems in the future, but I recognize that's not always possible. As a writer myself, I guarantee you can learn more from joining organizations like SCBWI or Christian writing groups in your area and going to their workshops, than you will ever learn in a college course. Dissecting and assigning motives to themes have nothing to do with practical skills. Many people who graduate with a degree in writing, don’t write well, often because it takes a thick skin and lots of practice and critique from good writers to develop an understanding of good voice and compelling story structure. College instructors don’t focus on that much, if at all. I wish you the best in your writing as you seek to glorify God in it--the greatest use of the gifts He gives us! 

Widowed at 33. I miss my husband & I miss his physical touch & intimacy. I grieve over the loss of my love & my sex life. I don’t think I can ever love another man again. I had the best & I lost it. Yet I have my sexual needs. what is normal? How am I supposed to behave in a way that is acceptable?

I'm so very sorry for your loss, sister. To answer your question, our desires for intimacy are not supposed to be met outside of the bonds of marriage. As you focus on healing from the loss of your husband, I want to encourage you to focus on making time to sit in the presence of the Lord daily so that you can set your heart, mind on soul on the things that are above. Nothing and no one satisfies in the way only our Father in Heaven can. Sex is a beautiful gift to be enjoyed in marriage, but we must not forget that Jesus is better. Truly, He sustains our every need, but it takes a special heart posture to recognize this and live by this truth. Bask in His presence and delight in the peace, love and joy that comes from doing so. Also, get involved in your church community if you haven't already done so. Spend time saturating your heart in Christ-centered community and friendships. Find people to do life with you as you pursue Christ. You will be so glad and grateful you did. We are praying for you! 

Can Christians practice yoga? 

The heart of yoga is rooted in Eastern worldview and goes against the heart of God. The "peace" yoga offers is not biblical. My personal opinion here is that Christians should not “practice” yoga as a religion or a spiritual exercise. It simply does not honor God. Physical exercise and stretching, on the other hand, are both great and provide the opportunity for us to honor the Lord with our bodies. The benefits of exercise are great and result in things like improved flexibility and range of motion, enhanced balance, increased strength and muscle tone, greater endurance, and an enhanced immune function. This is a hot topic in the Christian world, so I would certainly urge you to seek the Lord through prayer for clarity and do your research if you are debating whether or not to partake in it. 

How important is it to pray over your food? How would you even go about it?

In Thess. 5:16-18, we are called to be thankful in all circumstances and to pray continually. Continually! Who does that? As much as I want to and as good as my intentions, I sure don’t. I try to always start and end my day with prayer. I try to remember to pray before and after reading the Bible. I try to pray right away and on and off throughout the day for friends that ask me to pray for them. But continually? That doesn’t happen. However, giving thanks in all circumstances? Living with my eyes fixed on Jesus so that I can choose joy over the troubles of the world? That I can do. I can find a reason to give thanks three times a day when I eat. I am so very thankful that the Lord has cared for me so well that I have food to eat whenever I want it. So many don’t. Sadly, in our abundance, we forget that it is an amazing blessing to have food--not just sustenance, either, but delicious food. So much that we can turn our nose up to things we don’t like and get something we do like. It says in 1 Tim. 4:4-5: “For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer.” So, we pray with thanksgiving and try not to allow it to become just a mindless prayer that we spit out in habit. I usually say something like, “Thank you, Heavenly Father, for this food. Please bless it to nourish my body, so that I may glorify you in all that I do.” Then, I’ll add something specific and personal, like, “Please watch over my husband as he works today and bring him home safely.” If someone else made the food, I may say, “Bless the loving hands that prepared this.” It doesn’t really matter what you say, it just matters that you remember to give thanks always and everywhere for everything, every chance you get. That’s the important part. It also provides a good testimony when we pray at restaurants and encourages others to be bold enough to do it too. Because it is right and good always and everywhere to give thanks to our Lord. 

I was the victim of church hurt for several years before I made the decision to step away from that church community. Now, I feel much better about what happened, after having spent a lot of time in prayer & with the support of family & professionals, but I no longer have the church community that meant so much to me. 

The church I left is the only one in my small town, & unless I move somewhere else, which I don't want to do because I have a home & a career established here, I don't have another Christian community I can join. I feel somewhat defeated. How can I reconnect with the Lord & with my faith without having to uproot my life?

I'm so sorry to hear about your church hurt. Church hurt is real, and it can be really painful. Elle walked through a similar season a few years ago and did a podcast episode on this topic that you can find here if you are interested. I also hate to hear that this experience took place in the one church in your area. Is it possible that there are other churches that are under an hour away in a neighboring town? If so, I urge you to make the time to give them a try. I would also encourage you to start or join a Bible study in your community. Perhaps there are people who are longing for more and something like a home church can be an option. I am so sorry that you’re in this position when you need the encouragement of corporate worship more than ever. It's so important for us to not neglect the beauty of the gathering! As you prayerfully consider what's next and seek the Lord's leading, I pray that you find online alternatives in the meantime. We’ll be praying for you, sister.

How should I deal with a crush, if I'm still a teenager & therefore cannot get married yet?

Even as a teenager, it is okay to pursue a relationship as long as you set physical boundaries and date with intention to marry. (And provided you are an older teenager with parental permission--13-15 is a little young to put yourself in those difficult emotional situations.) That doesn’t mean it will always work out--another important reason for boundaries. Just take a moment to think about the person you were two years ago. Think about how much you’ve changed. In two more years, you will change even more. That’s why it’s better to wait until you are an adult to pursue relationships. You’re calling this a crush. That implies, to me, that you like someone who you don’t really know and maybe are just physically attracted to. Maybe you don’t even have any real opportunity to get to know him better either. Surface/superficial knowledge of someone is where a relationship may start, but definitely not enough to let your heart get involved. I would caution you to take a step back and seek a big picture perspective. Crushes often are made out of things we think we know or that we’ve built up in our minds to be true, but aren’t reality.