Daughter Dilemmas

Welcome to week eighteen of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here. 

How can I know if beginning a long distance relationship as a college student is a part of God’s plan for me? I was introduced to this guy I really like through a mutual friend & we have been texting & talking on the phone for almost 6 months now. I’m not sure if / when this relationship will progress into something more. Is it okay to not know where this is going, or does it need to be intentional? How do I know if pursuing this relationship is what God wants for me?

God puts people in our lives. If your relationship is worth the headache of being long distance--and it must be if you’ve already continued it for six months--and you could see yourself married to this person, and this person doesn’t pull you away from your relationship with Christ but instead wants to glorify God in all that he does, then that is God’s will for you. God’s will is always for us to glorify Him in all that we do--whatever that looks like. So, if the guy or the relationship or the long-distance issues are not causing you to sin, God’s blessing is on it. It’s like the Yogi Berra quote, “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” God gives us choices and decisions to make all the time and as long as we don’t intentionally sin against Him and try to glorify Him in all we do, then those choices and decisions are part of His plan. We only step outside of His plan when we live in unrepentant sin. That being said, make a list of the qualities you want in a future husband. Does he measure up? Do you have an amazing rapport with him? (Meaning, do you “get” each other.) Is there sexual chemistry? (But not to the point that it has colored all of your other answers. Sex is only a part of a healthy marriage. You should never confuse lust with love.) And finally, is he the last person you want to talk to at night and the first person you want to share your news with? If you answered “yes” to all those questions, I’d say he’s a keeper. If not, why pursue it any further? 

I have mental health problems & I panic God is upset with me because I'm not getting better even when I pray to him to help me! Why do you think God isn't healing me? I would just like to be better!

Sweet sister, God doesn’t wave a magic wand at our problems. Our prayers are a means for us to draw closer to Him and not meant to be a list of things we want Him to fix. God is not upset with you because you aren’t getting better. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and He has numbered the hairs on your head. His love for you is so big that He sent Jesus to take a human body so he could pay the penalty for all of our sins by dying. Your mental health problems are not sinful. They may sometimes cause you to sin, but we all struggle with sin in our lives, which is why when we pray we should look to the format of the Lord’s prayer. First, praise Him and acknowledge His Lordship in your life and ask for His will to be done. (His will, not ours.) Second, ask for forgiveness of sin. And then, lay the burdens of your heart out before Him and ask Him for peace and joy in all circumstances. We have to fix our eyes on what Jesus did for us and the resulting eternal life that we get to have, in order to remember that this world and all of its pain and problems is temporary. We’re just here to learn to love Him. All that to say, you can’t pray away your health problems. (Not to say that God never answers prayer or performs miraculous healing sometimes--for His glory.) We live in a fallen, broken world inside fallen, broken bodies. And we have to take advantage of the doctors and counselors and medications that He has provided for us to remain healthy. That is how He most often answers prayer: by giving us people to help us. His ways are not our ways and it’s hard to wrap our heads around that and not be disappointed when He doesn’t fix things that we think need fixing. But maybe He needs our brokenness (like your mental health issue) to glorify Him by the people that help us and the people we help because we’ve been there and can come alongside them in love. Be thankful for your unique perspective because of your health issues and try not to see it as a burden, but instead look for ways to glorify Him in it.   

I struggle with masturbation. I try so hard to stop & sometimes go for sometime without doing it. But always my will snaps & I do it. I always pray that this would stop. Will God forgive me?

Masturbation is highly addictive because of the chemicals your brain releases when you have an orgasm. It’s very difficult to stop. (We get this question a lot.) God can forgive you because you acknowledge that it is sin and are repentant. Now let God give you the strength to stop. First, figure out your triggers. This could be books or movies or TV with sexual images that cause you to lust. Lust is sin too. Put these things out of your mind. (Remember Philippians 4:8.) Whenever you are tempted, get up (physically remove yourself from wherever you are), and find something else to do. The best thing to do is pray. Prayer is a conversation with God. Would you start masturbating in the middle of a conversation with a friend? Not likely. Just because God is invisible doesn’t mean He’s not present. Remember that we are called to glorify God in all that we do. Does this glorify Him? No, it breaks His heart because it shows Him that you love yourself and your own pleasure more than Him. You can stop. Like any addiction, it takes time, and you may have setbacks. (You may need to bribe yourself by secretly giving yourself a reward for every two weeks, then thirty days, they forty days, etc. that you go without doing it.) Hang in there! Your relationship with God is more important than your temporary pleasure.     

How does one truly surrender any worry/insecurity to God? 

Worry and insecurity comes from a lack of trust. Remember Peter stepping out on the crashing waves? He was able to walk on water as long as his eyes were fixed on Jesus--perfectly trusting. It was only when he looked at his circumstances that he started to sink. We can be overwhelmed by the worries of this world. It is only by acknowledging that we have no control that we can have peace in all circumstances. (Philippians 4: 4-7) Easier said than done, but something to work toward. 

I've been through a situation where my mom & dad almost got separated. I never thought it bothered me until I realized that I'm actually not the person I normally would be. My faith overall weakened, but more so my faith in love & just trusting that everything will be okay also weakened. My boyfriend does everything in his power to make things better for me. I pray about a lot of stuff- especially towards our relationship. I can honestly say that I can see God working in his heart. I'm just struggling to let go & have faith & be fully in love again. I want to feel giddy again. I want to shine like the girl I always was. I'm just really struggling with letting go & just being happy. Any advice? Please pray with me just for guidance & the ability to just let go & let God. I don't want to keep wanting more & more. I want to appreciate the things I have & accept that I really am happy in my relationship.

Adulting is hard. Life is hard. Everything is not always going to be okay. Bad things happen all the time in this fallen, broken world. And it sounds like right now you are grieving the loss of your parents’ relationship. That’s okay. Take time to grieve. It’s a big deal to go through that and you aren’t going to just suddenly be okay with it and feel happy about it. But it doesn’t have to stop you from trusting in others.  Our joy can’t be based on our circumstances because they are constantly changing. Our joy must come from our solid Rock, Jesus. Have joy in all things because when everything else falls apart, you are loved so much that you have been saved from eternal damnation by the sacrifice of Jesus. He holds you tightly in His hand. You are His and in the middle of the earthquake, you can be still and know, that come what may, you are saved. Start each day by counting your blessings and giving thanks. Then ask for forgiveness of your sins. Then lay the concerns of your heart down at the foot of the cross, knowing that even if God doesn’t “fix” your problems, He’ll give you the strength and peace you need to make it to the other side of them. You can rejoice in that. As far as being “giddy in love” again, that’s a choice we make every day. Make a list of all the reasons you love him. Call them to mind often. Love is not for our entertainment. Love is a choice. Read I Cor. 13:4-7 and replace the word love with your name and the word it with she. Then, do it with your boyfriend’s name. You see? Does it mention feeling giddy? The giddiness at the beginning of a relationship passes. But true love doesn’t. Because true love is hard work and a choice to BE love for that person and as a way to glorify God in all you do, shining His light to the world with joy.