Daughter Dilemmas

Welcome to week twenty-two of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

Is it normal to sometimes have doubts about God? What can I do to help make myself feel reassured?

You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have doubts. Think of Doubting Thomas. He needed proof to believe what the other disciples were telling him. (John 20:24-29) I had a “road to Damascus” conversion experience. (Acts 9:1-22) This means I thought I was a Christian and then in an instant my eyes were opened to a true understanding of the Gospel by the Holy Spirit and I was forever changed. I had been dead in my sin, and then I was alive in Christ. Maybe you haven’t had that Holy Spirit change of heart yet. But even if you have, it doesn’t mean you will never doubt. God doesn’t speak to us directly, so He can feel distant. In those times, stay in the Word. We can’t feel His arms around us, so we can feel alone. In those times, lean on the Godly people He has placed around you. He doesn’t always answer prayer the way we want Him to, so we think He’s not listening. Be assured that He is there and He cares. It’s just that He doesn’t care about worldly things. He sees the big picture, and we can’t. He is working all things to 1) make you and me more Christ-like (that’s sanctification and sometimes it’s hard) and 2) to bring about His glorious second coming when He will make all things new, when every tear will be wiped away. (Rev. 21:1-4) And we can’t put our fingers on the scars like Thomas did, but if we put our focus on what Jesus did for us instead of our circumstances in this fallen broken world, we can walk across the crashing waves like Peter. (Matthew 14: 22-33) Faith is trusting that God is holding you in His hand, and He will never let you fall. Faith is not believing He is going to fix every problem in our lives or save us from every terrible circumstance. He saved us from an eternity in hell. Every one of us deserves hell, but because of His great love and sacrifice--to take human form so he could die on the cross as a once and for all punishment for our sin--we get to live on in heaven after we die. That is the rock we stand on when this world of sand melts away in the waves. Be assured in that, sweet sister.

I’m a teenager struggling with masturbation & porn. I quit for a year & for some reason I keep relapsing over & over again- even though I spend so much more time with God now than I did last year. I have a fire for Christ & want to do nothing with my sexual sin, but then I get tempted & give into the urge to sin. It’s an endless cycle & the most I have gone this year without relapsing is only a week. I’m afraid that God won’t forgive me because I keep repeating the same sin over & over, asking for forgiveness, & then falling back into the same sin a week later.

You are not alone. This is a real addiction. The chemicals in your brain that are released when you have an orgasm are just as powerful as opiates. And like all addictions, you need a support system to help you. Since it’s such an uncomfortable topic to discuss, try to find one close friend to share your struggle with and ask that person to help hold you accountable and count with you the days you stay “clean.” Call her when you’re tempted. Confess to her when you’ve relapsed and start counting your days again. Along with that, avoid anything with sexual content--books, movies, TV. Stick to squeaky clean stuff. Porn is devastating to your mind over time. It causes you to need more and more stimulation to achieve orgasm--which can lead to violent or disturbing behaviors. It makes you start to perceive people as a sum of their body parts and what those body parts can do for you, instead of whole individuals with feelings. That leads to a lack of empathy. Almost all serial killers and rapists that have been studied were porn addicts. It is serious. I beg you to continue to fight this addiction with the power of Christ. Memorize Scripture. ( Philippians 4:8, 2 Peter 1: 3-11, Philippians 2:14-17) Pray when you’re tempted. Remove yourself from tempting situations. Disconnect your internet, if that’s the only way. You are a chosen child of God and called to glorify Him in all you do. This doesn’t glorify Him. It glorifies you. You are putting your desire for pleasure above your desire for your relationship with God. We all do it whenever we sin. We try to convince ourselves that it’s no big deal. It is a big deal. It breaks God’s heart. Try to love Him enough to want to glorify Him above yourself. I will be praying for you, sweet sister.   

How do you deal with feeling disappointed by God? I'm feeling like the promises He gave me several years ago are all lies. I feel cheated on. I'm so done with the cliche consolation phrase that states that "it is because God is building my character & strengthening my faith". Even if that's true, all of this is way too painful & I can't resist it anymore. I'm struggling so bad with my faith & starting to believe He has destined me for a life full of suffering, instead of joy & abundance. Needing help right here…

My dear sister, I have been in your shoes, and understand the pain of it. But I’m afraid you’ve been feeding on some bad theology. The promises of God are for everyone. They are in Scripture. If you think that God “gives” you a specific promise about your future, that sounds a lot like the “name it and claim it” gospel. That is not the Gospel of Christ. God has promised never to leave us or forsake us. He has promised us peace when we ask for it. He has promised us wisdom when we ask for it. He has promised to give us strength and courage when we trust in His plan. There is nothing in the Bible about Him giving us our worldly desires. The joy He has promised comes from resting in the knowledge that we are saved--not from abundance and wealth in this world. He doesn’t want us to find our joy in this world. Any joy we do find in the world is from His abundant grace. Our joy comes from knowing that this is not all there is. Because Christ paid for our sins we get to live on in heaven, we get to see heaven on earth when he comes back to make all things new. We will never have joy by focusing on our circumstances. Remember when Peter stepped out on the waves? It was only when he took his eyes off Jesus that he started to sink. He got scared looking at the crashing waves and storm around him. This world and everything in it is temporary but our relationship with God and our belief in Jesus is eternal. We are called to rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. (1 Thess. 5:16-18) ALL circumstances. Even suffering. The ONLY way we can give thanks in suffering is to take our eyes off ourselves and our disappointments and our pain and remember our blessings. When I miscarried for the second time in a row, under horrible circumstances, I wanted to curse God for giving me the exact opposite of what I prayed for. What I didn’t understand is that prayer is for giving thanks, and repentance and asking for strength to keep me walking in obedience. It’s also for humbling me. My anger was founded in self-righteousness. Jesus gave us the Lord’s prayer for a reason. Do you see anything in that about giving us any more than our needs for this day? No. It says, Thy will be done. Not my will. Not my wants. But whatever God has planned for my life that is going to bring about His good and perfect will that will glorify Him and sanctify me. His will for us is to glorify Him in all we do. That is walking in obedience. Are we doing that when we find our joy in the abundance of this broken world? I beg you, dear sister, to take a step back from your circumstances and count your blessings and repent of your self-righteous anger. Learn from my mistakes and grow in Christ instead of turning your back on Him.     

The people that make up my church are very religious people. How can I be someone who influence them? How can I draw them to see Jesus the way I see Him?

I’m not sure what you mean by “very religious” people. Are you saying that they follow strict guidelines and don’t believe in grace? Like the Pharisees in Jesus’ time who followed so many rules but missed the point of God’s redemptive plan? I don’t know if you can make a difference if they are set in their ways. If you know Jesus as your Savior and a part of the Trinity, and they only know Him as a prophet or don’t understand his saving work on the cross, maybe you need to find another church. We are so fortunate with the internet today, that you can listen to sermons online--to make sure they are Gospel centered--and explore church websites before you visit. There are so many churches that are spewing falsehoods that sound pretty and fool people into believing it’s truth. It’s hard for me to advise you, though, since I don’t have a clear understanding of your church or the way you see Jesus. Maybe your “very religious” church is speaking truth and you’re the one who isn’t clear on the Gospel. Only the Holy Spirit can change hearts and open our eyes to the truth of who Jesus is. If you can’t change churches, all you can do is pray for their hearts to be changed. And if you have opportunity to teach Bible study or Sunday School, look for Reformed teaching. A good study that helps people understand who Jesus really is, is called Seeing Jesus in the Old Testament by Nancy Guthrie. It’s a wonderful five book study. Recommend it to your women’s ministry leader.

If someone is in a marriage & doesn’t want to have kids right away, is it okay to use contraceptives like birth control? Or should we stay abstinent? 

God gave us sex to enhance our marriage relationship. And some faiths do believe that using birth control is going against God’s will. I certainly wouldn’t want to encourage you to go against your church. I personally don’t see birth control that way. I think God gave us everything in this world and as long as we glorify Him in all we do, we are doing His will. It is smart to be strong in your marriage relationship before you have kids. God’s timing is perfect. If He wants you to have a baby, even birth control won’t stop it. I don’t think He wants you to remain abstinent. You could use the rhythm method if you don’t want to use birth control. The only “birth control” that would be against God’s will, in my opinion, is the kind that keeps the fertilized egg from implanting, like the so-called “morning after” pill. Although the birth control pill is supposed to keep you from ovulating, if you miss a pill and ovulate anyway, it could be argued that it also keeps the egg from implanting. So, if that worries you, maybe you should stick to barrier methods so that your conscience is clear. They have a lower effectiveness than the pill, but when used with the rhythm method, that increases substantially. 

Hello, I'm from Brazil & I love your page so much, that I translate it to my language. I have an addiction & I want to change. I do not want to be the same. I want to be open to this process of change, but it has not been easy. I am a leader & I have been through great difficulties, self-knowledge, low self-esteem, thoughts of depression & death & I am tired of it. I do not want to be like this anymore. I want change, but it's not been easy. I want to take care of people, but it's not been easy. Please pray for me. I want to know Jesus, I want to know myself & I want to make Jesus known. Thank you.

Thank you for your support of this page. I’m not sure what your addiction is, so I’m sorry if my answer seems vague. Any addiction is unhealthy. It means you are putting your desire for something in this world above your desire for a relationship with Jesus. But just because we want to give up an addiction, doesn’t mean we can just stop. Especially if the addiction is to drugs or alcohol because your body and mind are addicted. You have to first get your body weaned off the drug in a slow, stable way, under a doctor’s care. Then you have to work on whatever issues you have that led you to need it. It’s a long, hard process that you will face every day for the rest of your life. Everyday you have to choose to love Jesus more than your addiction. And you have to have a support group with other people who have the same problem. And you have to have a mentor that you can call when you are feeling the desire to do this thing. Prayer is very helpful for keeping you focused on the right path, but you must have  support too. You’ve taken the first step by choosing to change. That’s wonderful. Now, find some help. We will definitely be praying for you!!