Daughter Dilemmas

Welcome to week twenty-seven of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

I got broken up with because of my anxiety & depression. He promised me every day we were soulmates, that he was never going to leave me... but then he did just that. I’ve been battling thoughts of suicide & self-hatred for not being enough for him. I have no idea how to keep going.

My sweet sister, I’m so sorry that you are battling depression. It is a real, physical disorder. It is not your fault, and you should never blame yourself or take the blame for this guy breaking his promise to you. You need help just like anyone battling illness. You need counseling and maybe even medication. There are some over the counter supplements that do offer some help like passion flower and CBD oil, but if you’re having suicidal thoughts, please don’t wait. Call a suicide hotline. Here’s a link: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or the number: 1800-273-8255. Anxiety and depression can be overwhelming and sometimes our faith is not enough to get us healthy. But I feel sorry for people who don’t have their faith to hang onto that are suffering with depression. The great thing about having a relationship with God is the knowledge that this world and all of its pain and heartache and difficult circumstances is not what He wants for us. He has a better plan. When Jesus returns and God brings heaven to earth, there will be no more sadness or suffering or tears ever again. As Christians, we have the advantage of knowing that this is not our home. We can fix our eyes on Jesus and our salvation in Him so that we can walk through the valleys and fires and waves that this world throws at us. Remember the story of Peter stepping out on the waves. He only started to sink when he took his eyes off Jesus. (Matthew 14:25-33) The same is true of us. Without the joy of knowing that our Savior went to the cross for us and defeated death by rising again so we could go to heaven, and then sent the Holy Spirit to open our eyes to the truth and the beauty of this life, we would all sink and be covered up by the crashing waves. Hold tight to that joy, sister, when everything around you causes you pain. Stand on the rock, when everything around you feels like shifting sand under your feet. You are loved so much by your Father in heaven. And once you overcome your anxiety and depression, or even as you battle it, be a light to others in your same situation because of your unique perspective. Think of all that Joseph went through (Genesis 37-50). God used all of the things that happened to him to bring him to a position so that he could save his family, the descendents of Abraham, His chosen. Joseph said, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” And God can use all the difficult circumstances in your life to bring glory to Him whenever you shine His light, telling others about the Rock you stand on. We are called to glorify God in all we do. If we make that our goal, we can win every battle. You are in my prayers for healing and strength, sister.

I have a hard time when it comes to female pastors. Is that OK? The Bible says otherwise, but I might be taking it too literal & tormenting myself about it. I know of a few that I like, but I don't feel like watching them anymore because of what the Bible says.

My church (PCA) also believes that Scripture says that only men can be pastors. (1 Tim. 2: 11-15, 1 Tim. 3:2, Titus 1: 5-9, etc.) It is my understanding that it is because men were created first and designated as protectors and leaders and presenting the Word of God is a huge responsibility. (Matthew 18:6) Some people argue that Paul must’ve said that women should not be teachers or elders because women at the time were uneducated. It is not a cultural thing, though, because he clearly says it is because men were made first and meant to be leaders. When Eve sought to lead in an act of rebellion by listening to the serpent things didn’t turn out well for anyone. That is not to say that women are inferior to men. They are called to submit to the leadership as Christ submitted to God when He went to the cross. Christ is not inferior to God but equal. Women are created equal with men but given separate roles. Roles more suited to their nurturing nature. We are also not expected to submit to abuse as men are called to lead with love. The Bible is full of women teaching and even prophesying and there are certainly some amazing women of faith that teach good Gospel-centric Bible studies today. As a woman, you can be taught by women. But if that woman is a pastor and that makes you uncomfortable because it means she doesn’t believe Scripture to say what you believe it says, then you’re probably right to avoid those teachers.  

Recently I came back to Jesus. I feel that I really want to make things right this time, but my mind is always getting me back to my sins & it is making me feel unworthy. I am ashamed for everything I did & completely regret it, but how can I know if God has really forgiven me?

Sweet sister, none of us is worthy. We have all sinned and fall short. He doesn’t rank sinfulness. My lie, my gossip, my anger is just as bad as murder or adultery in God’s eyes. None of us deserves salvation. That’s why grace is so amazing. If you have repented, and are daily repentant, then God knows your heart and has forgiven you. You must trust in that. As far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12) that’s how far he has removed our sins from us. They are forgiven and forgotten because of the blood of our dear Savior, who suffered the punishment we deserve. Every time you doubt God’s forgiveness, you’re doubting His love and dishonoring the sacrifice He made. Let go of the past and focus on today. There are enough sins to repent of in each new day. But we are so blessed because His mercy is new every morning. (Lam. 3:22-23)

My younger college-age sister is in a relationship with a non-Christian & struggling with other issues. She would call herself a Christian but isn’t really living out her faith. I’m afraid she will walk away from it if things go on. How can I speak the truth to her & give advice without appearing judgemental & possibly hurting our relationship?

Pray for her first. Pray that the Holy Spirit will open her eyes to the truth. Encourage her to come to church with you (invite the boyfriend too), join a Bible study with you, go to other church activities with you. Don’t give advice unless she asks for it. There is nothing you can say that will change her heart--only the Holy Spirit can do that. Lots of people believe in God, but they aren’t really Christians because the Holy Spirit hasn’t opened their eyes to the truth of how we are all sinners in need of a Savior. Most people think they are “good.” They don’t get that no one is good enough to get into heaven. We all deserve hell, and we’d all be going to hell if Jesus hadn’t taken the punishment we deserve by dying on the cross and destroying death by rising again. Everything you say will come across as judgemental. She will find Him when she seeks Him with all of her heart. Be there to point her in the right direction when she’s ready.  

If your husband is emotionally & verbally abusive, but he loves God & is trying to be better what should I do? It is so difficult to be “a quiet & gentle spirit” & submit to him sometimes.

My sweet sister, “trying to be better” is not good enough. He needs counseling and he needs to understand that you cannot tolerate abuse--ever. You need to separate until he gets the help that he needs so he can understand how truly serious it is to breach the trust of his marriage vows to love, honor and cherish you. You are absolutely NOT called to be a quiet and gentle spirit in this situation. Nor are you expected to submit in this situation. Women are created equal to men, not inferior. We are just made differently so that we can complement each other--not so that one can dominate the other. Paul teaches that because Adam was created first, by natural order man is to lead. Then the serpent deceived Eve first, convincing her to try and be like God. She then led Adam into sin causing the Fall. God came to Adam first and the blame fell primarily on him because he did not step up and lead like he was supposed to. That is why Paul calls women to be submissive to their husbands' authority. The husband is to be the head of the household as Christ is the head of the church. And to love you as Christ loves you and as he loves himself. (Eph. 5 23-28) If he is abusive, he is not loving you. He is putting himself first, before you and before God. That is a breach of his marriage vow. I’m not encouraging divorce. I don’t know either of you or the specifics and I believe that God can heal him and help you to forgive so that there can be a fresh start. But I do strongly urge you to get out of the situation until he is repentant and working on putting God first and you second in his heart through counseling and prayer. We can “try” all we want, but we are rarely ever able to change on our own.

How do you deal with a broken marriage? It felt so right to get married & now I'm pregnant & he left us. I tried so hard to fight for us & I'm still committed to him. But how can this divorce be right? How do I handle the emotions? My Christian family tells me our marriage was not meant to happen and was not blessed by God. This hurts because I thought all marriage was destined by God & all divorce was wrong. And now I'm the girl suffering feeling alone & upset that I will fail God & my unborn child.

Not ALL marriages are blessed by God. But you did both vow before God to love, honor and cherish each other until the day you died and that is a serious vow that shouldn’t be broken lightly. Jesus said, “What God has joined together, let no man separate.” But because we are rash and sinful people, God did give us exceptions. The Bible says that if one person breaks the vow by abandoning the other or abusing/cheating/persistent immorality against the other then divorce is allowed. It’s so important that when you marry someone you are both Christians. If he isn’t a Christian then that may be why your family doesn’t believe the marriage was blessed by God. That doesn’t mean you didn’t love him and I’m sorry they are neglecting your feelings. You should do what you can to honor your vows. But if he isn’t willing, there’s not much you can do. If he is willing, go to counseling together or maybe a marriage seminar. (I can recommend A Weekend to Remember.) But if you’ve done everything you can to honor your vows and you still must divorce, then God will forgive you. He knows your heart. And you won’t be failing your child as long as you raise him/her to love God and make every effort not to speak badly to him/her about his/her father and find other Godly fatherly figures for him/her to have in your lives.  

I’ve been asking God to show me how to love His people. This has led me to realize we are called to love ALL of His people, including murderers, rapist, pedophiles, & everyone in between. How do I teach others to love these people who have made terrible mistakes?

You love these people by shining the light of truth into their dark lives, either by example or by actually sharing the Gospel with them and praying for them to repent and be saved. That’s all you can do. And how can you care about them enough to do this? Remember that God doesn’t rank sinfulness. My little lie, my coveting, my self-righteous anger are just as bad in God’s eyes as murder. It was only by God’s grace that my eyes were opened to the truth and I was saved--not because I deserved it or because I am good. No one is good. (Romans 3:9-20) No one deserves God’s forgiveness. And even though their acts are despicable and disgusting and evil, I have to remember that God saw me that way too before Jesus poured out his blood on me and made me clean. Loving them enough to pray for them doesn’t mean you have to condone their behavior or even be friends with them, we are only called to be kind and set aside our self-righteousness since we are sinners too. Those who never repent are destined for hell. We shouldn’t wish that on our worst enemy.

I struggle with sin daily at work. I work with a very wealthy family who leaves money, jewelry, etc. everywhere & I am tempted on a daily basis when I know my family struggles to get by & they have more than enough. I’ve thought of quitting but keep on reminding myself that God will help overcome this temptation. However, it’s been about 6 months & I feel uncomfortable just being there now.

God does help us overcome temptation, but using common sense is important too. And common sense says to take yourself out of the tempting situation. The sin here is not the stealing that you’ve avoided, it’s the coveting--the desire to have their wealth. Do not break the trust they have put in you. We are called to be joyful in all circumstances by realizing that what Christ did for us transcends our worldly circumstances by allowing us to have eternal life. Your relationship with Christ is where your joy should come from, not your worldly wealth and possessions. So, if looking at their wealth tempts you to steal from them, your heart is not in the right place and you need to take yourself away from that temptation. If that’s not possible then pray for God to help you content in your own circumstances, so that you no longer covet theirs.