Daughter Dilemmas

Welcome to week three of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace. To submit a question anonymously, click here.

How do you deal with anxiety & depression while living a Christian life? Is it okay to take medication for depression?

We are told not to be anxious about anything, but instead give thanks for all circumstances. (Phil. 4:6-9) I just heard a great sermon on this passage with practical applications. The pastor said it gives us three peace-filled prescriptions for anxiety: 1) Prayer that begins with thanksgiving before your requests. 2) Pondering God’s truth and beauty--fill your mind with it. (Whatever is true…) 3) Listen and follow God’s word. Put these things into practice. It has taken me a long time to really embrace the idea of giving thanks in all circumstances. (I used to give it a raspberry.) How in the world are we supposed to give thanks for a car accident or a fire or cancer or even a toothache? It’s easier to be anxious and depressed. And, if you embrace the idea that everything happens according to God’s plan, you can get really resentful and have an extra hard time being thankful. What I have to do is remember a different verse: Hebrews 12:2. “...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross…” The joy set before him was my salvation! He took on a human body and endured the cross for me. For me. And for you. The cross is a horrible, tortuous way to die, but he did it so we could have eternal life. Then, I think about how stubborn, and selfish and spoiled I am and that puts things into perspective. If I only focus on my circumstances, I won’t be able to be joyful. But if I fix my eyes on Jesus...I can think of tons of things I’m thankful for. God knows what I need to go through to draw closer to him. Which is the whole point of this life. Maybe I needed those horrible things to happen. Maybe it was the only way He could get my attention. Or maybe it wasn’t about me at all. Maybe the drunk driver that hit me needed Him. The point is, it’s our circumstances that can make us anxious. And we must remember: “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (1 Cor. 4: 16-18, NIV).     Now, don’t get me wrong. I understand that anxiety and depression can be overwhelming for a lot of people, and no amount of prayer or positive thinking will help. Sometimes it’s a chemical problem in your brain. I don’t like the idea of medications because they can have long term side effects and your brain can become dependent on them. I would try natural things like passion flower first. But medications are okay for Christians to take--absolutely! It doesn’t mean you aren’t faithful enough. Prayer does help, though. Prayer isn’t for God. He knows what we need. Prayer is for us to switch our focus to thankfulness and lay our worries at his feet and let go of them. We don’t have control, anyway. (Which is the thing that makes me the most anxious because I’m a control freak.) But he never promised anywhere in the Bible that he would fix anything. He just promises that He’ll give us peace--if we ask for it. I pray that the peace of our Heavenly Father would settle on you like a cozy blanket. (Speaking of blankets, those weighted blankets are supposed to help with anxiety. Might be worth a try.) Blessings on you, sweet sister. Fix your eyes on Jesus. Because you are a Christian, you have cause for joy--even if you need a little medical help to experience it.  

What is your advice for women with a pornography addiction?

It’s everywhere. The definition of porn is anything that causes a sexual response. That could be a Victoria’s Secret commercial! We can’t get away from this world. As Christians we are told to be in this world but not of it. That is a tough fence to balance on. A lot of times porn addiction stems from masturbating while watching because masturbation is addictive. (Answered a question about that here.) Not always. Sometimes porn can elicit the same brain response over time that masturbation elicits. Any type of addiction takes a firm commitment to overcome. A commitment to choose every day not to watch porn. Just like an alcoholic or gambler, there are support groups to help.(https://goforgreatness.org/help/support-groups/ ) A lot of them use the same twelve step plan for recovery which is faith-based. Porn can be devastating. It destroys relationships. It takes over your free time and basically your life. But the worst thing about porn is that it causes you to stop seeing sex as a beautiful, sacred act that God gave us to enhance our relationship with our spouse, and start viewing men and women as a sum of their body parts and a necessary means to an end. This leads to a lack of empathy. It also causes the addict to  need more and more stimulation in order to achieve orgasm or have a satisfactory sexual experience. Because of this, many porn addicts turn to strange fetishes or violence. Studies show that rapists and serial killers are more likely to be porn addicts. Obsession with anything is sinful. We become addicted to things because we are trying to fill a hole in our hearts that only God can fill. If you are struggling with this addiction, I urge you to get help. You are too precious to God to allow your life to revolve around sex. He wants you to have a full, rich life with healthy relationships--especially with Him.   

How do I date in today’s online dating apps (which I am doing once again because meeting people & having authentic friendships & relationships is totally hard)? Any helpful advice?

I think dating apps can be a beginning. I’m not familiar with what apps are out there, but I do know it’s hard to meet new people when you are around the same people every day, so I applaud your courage in putting yourself out there. I would urge you to be cautious. Meet in public places or with friends several times before you meet alone. Make sure they aren’t just interested in a hook up. Have some good conversations on the phone first. If you don’t have a good rapport on the phone, is there really any reason to meet in person? You don’t have to have a ton of things in common. (My husband and I are total opposites!) What you do need to look for is a similar sense of humor, a similar desire to please God, a strong work ethic, but with a sense of balance, and, of course, there needs to be chemistry. Make a list of all the qualities you seek in a husband and don’t settle. Pray that God will raise up the right person for you--the one he picked out a long time ago. And have patience. God’s timing is not our timing.

Why aren't women allowed to be preachers or teach to men?

This is a very controversial topic. Many churches do have female preachers. The ones that don’t aren’t anti-woman. It’s not that they don’t think women are just as smart and capable as men. It is because they believe that Scripture is clear that men are to be in leadership. ( A few for example: 1 Cor. 11:3, 1 Peter 3:7, Eph. 5:21-33, Titus 1: 5-9) The verse that I’ve studied the most on this topic is Genesis 2:18. The word “helper” doesn’t mean assistant or lower ranking position. It means complementary. Someone to come alongside and fill in the gaps. Someone able to do some things better than him, like nurture. In general, men and women are given different gifts. And men are given the leadership roles because one of their gifts is strength, so that they can be a protector and provider. James 3:1 says, “Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness.” When you look at it like that, you can see that perhaps they are protecting us by being the leaders and teachers in the church. Also, men in leadership are to be an example of Christ and our loving Father in heaven. Some people don’t have fathers in their lives to live out that example. That being said, the LORD clearly uses women throughout Scripture. And the culture of the time, did keep women in a lower status than men. There may come a time when those rules are re-evaluated. In the meantime, if you are feeling called to glorify God by preaching and your church doesn’t allow women to preach in the pulpit or teach men, there are lots of women and children out there searching for truth. Maybe you can direct your calling to them.