Daughter Dilemmas

Welcome to week thirty-three of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

I’ve been seeing a Christian guy for the past few months that I met in the church. I had talked to God so much & truly thought that he was the one (I’m a junior in college). He ended things last night over the phone with no explanation & no opportunity to discuss it. I just feel so heartbroken & have such bad anxiety from thinking that he was the one. How do I move on & open my heart to some other incredible guy in a way that can center my love around God & make the guy come second?

I’m so sorry that you’re heartbroken. He certainly didn’t treat you in a Christian manner. But don’t think that he is the only one out there for you. We aren’t given one soul mate. There are lots of people that you could have that great connection with. When you do find the right guy, you’ll be wondering how you ever thought this guy was a good fit. Sometimes we think God says things because that’s what we want to hear. But God only wants us to keep our eyes fixed on the cross and glorify Him in all we do. Focus on growing in relationship with Christ and you’ll be surprised at how that will draw others to you--maybe even a guy who is able to reciprocate your love in a way that shows you that your ex never really did or he couldn’t have treated you that way.   

I recently (back in December) completely kicked my addiction to pornography/masturbation after a long time of hookups & promiscuity, I rededicated my faith in Christ & let it all go. I became very strong in my faith & had no desire for it for the past 6 or 7 months, but recently after graduating I’ve been more bored & lacking in my faith & I guess you could say I “relapsed.” I’m feeling completely discouraged right now that all my work in the past 6 months was for nothing & I will not be able to be truly free from it forever. I do not want to watch porn or masturbate. Before I would do it every day, I would beg God to help me get out of it & this time I did it & felt so guilty. However, I’m afraid tomorrow I’ll make the same excuse. And this time around, I’m dating a guy who has been gone for a month & maybe I’m just feeling lonely...even though we don’t do that stuff & I want us to have a pure relationship. How can I be free from it once & for all & not be discouraged by my relapse?

I’m so proud of you for giving it up for so long. That’s a huge accomplishment. But relapses are common and I think you answered your own question as to why it happened. You’re discouraged, you’re bored, you don’t see your boyfriend much and most importantly you’re “lacking in faith.” This is an addiction. You will have to consciously choose not to give in every day. You need the support of your strong faith to do that. Join a Bible study. Don’t allow yourself to watch shows or read books with lots of sex in them. Listen to Christian music. Fill your emptiness and boredom with spiritual things. (Remember Phil 4:8) What you pour in is what will pour out. Find a ministry to volunteer for--when you’re helping others the focus is off yourself. And most importantly, when you feel tempted, stop what you’re doing that is triggering the feeling and get up and go do something else, like call someone who can help hold you accountable. 

I can never seem to convince myself that I am saved. I have believed in Jesus, I love him & would die for my faith, but I just can’t seem to believe that I am redeemable - I have done such awful things. Please help me?

As Christians, we need daily repentance because being saved doesn’t mean suddenly transforming into a good or perfect person. We continue to sin. Even Paul struggled with it. (Romans 7: 15-24) If the Holy Spirit has opened your eyes to the understanding that Jesus took the punishment you deserved when He went to the cross and then defeated death by rising again so that we can go to heaven, then you are saved. You don’t have to doubt your salvation. And although works don’t save us, faith without works is useless. We are called to glorify God in all we do. Can we do that perfectly this side of heaven? No. But that is the goal. Our sanctification process (God making us more Christ-like) is ongoing. Don’t let past sins, that you have already been forgiven for, stop you from pressing on toward the goal. Don’t listen to the father of lies when he plants doubts in your heart that you aren’t worthy of forgiveness. None of us are worthy. That’s what makes God’s love and grace and mercy so amazing.  

Here’s my problem: I know God's love for me is everlasting & what a peaceful statement. But I struggle with falling in love with Him & completely resting in knowing that I don’t need to be desired by a guy to feel that love. What steps can I take to fall in love with our Father so I can stop searching for that affection from a guy?

Bible study helps. (I highly recommend Nancy Guthrie’s, Seeing Jesus in the Old Testament if you want to be bowled over by God’s attention to detail and Jesus love for us.) Scripture memorization, filling your spirit with Christian music and sermons, and focusing on what the cross really means all keep your eyes fixed on Jesus and how amazing grace is. There is nothing wrong with desiring relationship with a guy, but you’re right to put your relationship with God first. God gave us love and marriage and children so we can get a tiny taste of what His love is. His love is so much bigger. Our job is to glorify Him in all we do, and we can do that by loving others well. So, it’s okay to want to be married. Just keep your relationship with God your priority now and in your relationship with others. 

How do you explain the need for Christian friends who are pursuing God to your Christian friends who aren’t living for God?

It’s a hard place to be. This world is so filled with the father of lies whispering to us that it’s not really sinful to be of this world, feeding on the filth around us. (1 John 2:15-17) We are commanded to love the Lord our God with all of our heart, soul and mind and love each other as much as we love ourselves. But often we get that backward, loving ourselves first. I admire your courage in pursuing a life where you strive to glorify God in all that you do. Tell your friends that you love them, but you don’t love the worldly things that they enjoy because you don’t feel that it glorifies God. It’s hard enough in this world to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus without friends that try to distract you. Surround yourself with like-minded people and maybe your old friends will have their eyes opened by your actions and will make a change. 

I treated my ex very badly & got dumped. After, I realized my mistake after that. I feel that God led me on this path because He wants me to realize my mistake of treating my ex badly. I am very sad but I want to get back with him. Is it possible?

With God, all things are possible. But the probability is hard for me to predict when I don’t know the heart of your ex. Is he a believer? Can he forgive you? What steps can you take to win back his trust? That’s where you have to start. If he’s willing to give you a second chance, you’ll have to show him that you’ve changed. But keep your relationship with God a priority. If you glorify Him with your actions, your ex will be sure to see the change in you.  

My anxiety in recent years has gotten really bad. I catastrophize everything. Everything is worst-case scenario in my mind. I hate that I’m like this & it’s honestly exhausting to me. I try so hard to trust in the Lord, but my fears often seem too big & so odd. Any Biblical references?

So many passages: Phil. 4: 6, 13; John 14:27; Isaiah 41:10; Psalm 94:18-19; Psalm 34:4; 1 Peter 5:7; and many more. We are told to cast our cares on Him, but that is easier said than done. Anxiety is a real physiological disorder. Panic attacks are real. Prayer is a first line of defense and I would also urge you to seek out a Christian counselor. But there are also natural remedies like lavender oil, CDB oil, and passionflower. I’ve seen people get real relief using these products. God wants you to remember that even if the worst case scenario does happen, you’re still His and He loves you, and this world is not your home. Jesus died to pay for your sins and rose again, defeating death, so that we can live on in heaven when we shed this earthly body. Instead of letting scary circumstances overwhelm you, focus on the joy of your salvation. This world is temporary. Christ’s love for you is eternal. 

How can I pray for my child's freedom from a toxic relationship, who is blindly in love with sweet talks & false promises? We believe this relationship is from the devil, in an attempt to confuse & mislead our child from the right path.

I know you are frightened for your child. Definitely prayer can give you some peace. Pray for her eyes to be opened. Pray for wisdom before you speak to her. Pray that she will be protected physically and spiritually. We all have this God-shaped hole inside us that we want to fill, and sometimes we fill it with the lies of the world. Try to get her to see the truth for herself instead of bad-mouthing the boyfriend. Ask her to make a list of the qualities she wants in a husband. (Not physical things.) Does he measure up? Ask her what she thinks this relationship will look like in five years. Ask her to talk to him about that and see if they have the same goals for the future. Take her to church and Bible study, so that she can see Godly men outside of family and hear Gospel messages that reinforce how much God loves her, and read and study God’s word and what it says about Godly husbands. Gently, help her to see that words are empty without action. It’s more important that he shows love for her than saying all the sweet things she wants to hear. Ask her for examples of him following through with promises and actions that show real love. She will only give him up if she sees it for herself.

I’ve been struggling for years with sleep. It has recently been getting worded prior to my mental health. I have depression, which results in me not waking up on time in the morning. I struggle so much with waking up & I do not know how to overcome it.

It is a vicious cycle. You don’t get enough sleep so you have trouble staying awake during the day, so you drink coffee or energy drinks which cause you to have trouble going to sleep. Try doing a complete cleanse from caffeine and energy drinks because they can build up in your system. About thirty minutes before bed, take a melatonin supplement and passionflower, then pray and write down all your worries and concerns in a prayer journal. Find a scripture verse that speaks to your heart about how much God loves you and meditate on it for at least five minutes. Make sure you have a noise machine or earplugs, a mask or a nice, dark room. (If you often get up to go to the bathroom, try stopping fluids at seven.) Make sure the temperature is cool. And maybe try one of those weighted blankets. Avoid the computer and screens at least an hour before bed. Sometimes, it’s our hormones keeping us in “fight” mode, so we can’t get into the deeper sleep we need. You may need supplements that support your pituitary gland. (Like Symplex F or E-manganese from Standard Process.) If none of these tips help, you may need a sleep study to determine if you have apnea. Hang in there, sister. I’ve been there and made it to the other side with these remedies because we are fearfully and wonderfully made and our bodies can heal themselves sometimes. 

I am having such a hard time finding a job, & I am working so hard on trusting that God will lead me on a path that is good. Is there more I can do?

Sometimes you just have to take a job that you’re overqualified for to prove to employers that you have a strong work ethic. Build relationships flipping burgers or waiting tables and move up to management positions. With that experience on your resume and good solid references, it’s so much easier to get the job that you really want. You could also sign up with a temp agency, getting experience at a wide variety of things. Sometimes companies like the job you did so well that they want to hire you permanently.