Daughter Dilemmas, Week 34

Welcome to week thirty-four of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

Is it possible to make a relationship work when the guy is on a missionary trip long-term?

With today’s technology, absolutely. You can text and Skype and email. But, if technology is not available where he is ministering, you can also write letters. What you both have to decide is whether this relationship is the one that you want to have for the rest of your life. Is it worth the wait? Putting your life on hold for a long time like that could make you resentful. It could make you tempted to quit/break up/see others. Does this person have all the qualities you want in a husband? And most importantly, now that you’ve begun a relationship with him, do you want a future without him? It was always frustrating to my daughter when I said this, but, when you know, you know. What do you know? That, in spite of his flaws, this person is the one you want to do life with, the one you want by your side through thick and thin, the one you want to wake up next to in the morning, and the last face you want to see before you go to sleep. 

What are some practical ways to break a bad habit of masturbation?

This is a question we get a lot. (We’ve answered it Week Two and Week Eighteen- please read more in-depth answers there.) As with any habit or addiction, you have to figure out your triggers and when you find yourself drawn to them, stop and do something else. Easier said than done, I know. It helps to have someone to call to hold you accountable. It helps to pray and memorize Scripture. (Particularly Phil 4:8) It’s also necessary to stop feeding on sexual images from TV, movies and books. 

I have been a follower of Christ for a long time. At the end of the year last year I was seeking God, reading the Bible & praying. I stopped for a bit, but now I’m getting back to spending time with God. However, I’m not on fire like I was before! It’s been going on for a while now & I need some guidance on how to go about this. I’m not as on fire for God like I was or embracing who I am in Him. I miss it.

I’ve found in my own prayer life that when I’m not “on fire” for spending time with God, it has to do with what I am doing with my free time. What we pour in, is what pours out. What do you want your cup to overflow with? Listen to Christian music, podcasts and sermons instead of secular music. Watch wholesome shows instead of the dark-themed, sexually explicit ones that are so prevalent. Join a Bible study that holds you accountable to do the work. Attend worship and actually worship, clearing your mind from all of life’s busyness. The Holy Spirit never leaves us, but we drown Him out with the things of this world. We have to be intentional with our time, glorifying God in all we do, in order to reap the blessings of a joyful, “on fire” spirit in this fallen world. 

I feel like I’m drifting away from God, & I don’t know how to get closer. I play rugby & I’m injured so I feel like when I get back in I’ll be worse, how do I know God has my back?

Drifting is a good description. Imagine you’re out in the ocean on a raft. The tide (life and worldly things) pull you further and further down the beach away from your beach chair and towel (God, your anchor). God is not responsible for your relationship with Him. You are. If you’re drifting, it’s because you’ve taken your eyes off Jesus and the joy of your salvation in Him. This world pulls us away so quickly and easily. We have to be intentional to avoid that. Listen to Christian music, watch and read clean content, join a Bible study, attend worship and really worship, and surround yourself with other believers who will hold you accountable in your behavior. That is the only way to stay anchored in Christ.  

Who does God say I am? Who does He call me to be? I have struggled a lot with my identity this past year & feel like I keep on turning to & then kind of leaning away from Jesus, just trying to find who I am. Though I know who I am should be always found in Him, it’s so hard to feel like/believe that I am loved by God & have no reason to be afraid all of the time.

We are not always going to “feel” God’s love or “hear” His voice. That is why we have to fix our hearts and minds on the joy of our salvation. He loved us enough to take on a pitiful human body, suffer a terrible, brutal death on a cross so that he could defeat death and rise again and give believers that glorious knowledge of everlasting life in Him. We can’t let ourselves be hardened by this world because this is temporary. Our relationship with God is eternal. If you are saved, then you are a chosen daughter of the one true King. I have a post on Instagram about that: https://www.instagram.com/p/BuHOBBkhr4J/ ) He is calling you to live in a way that glorifies Him in all you do. We can’t do that perfectly this side of heaven, but if we fix our eyes on Jesus, on the cross, we do a much better job. He’s not finished with you. He is sanctifying you to be more Christ-like every day. “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body...So we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all” (2 Cor. 4:8-10, 16-17, NIV). When we don’t “feel” loved by God, this is where our faith must carry us. Remembering what He has done for us, what He is doing for us, instead of focusing on worldly trials and temptations and desires.

I know this is a very typical question, but I have really been struggling with accepting myself for who I am: the girl who prefers not to be in the spotlight, the girl who prefers to be quiet. I am struggling with this because I feel like no godly man will never notice me, and therefore never love me. I am afraid no one will see that I put God first in my life too! Should I really try to change myself or should I continue to believe that when the right time comes, God will send the right guy into my life?

Keep on trusting! Your priority should be your relationship with Christ. Then, your life will shine with His light and others won’t be able to look at you without seeing Him. You don’t have to change yourself, but there is no harm in stepping outside your comfort zone sometimes. We need to grow in relationship with other Christians too. Others hold us accountable and encourage us in our walk of faith. So, join Bible study groups and go on short term mission trips or volunteer in local ministries. You don’t have to be in the spotlight or be outgoing to do that, but it increases your social circles. Who knows? Maybe God is waiting for you to grow in courage before He puts the right man in your life. Remember Joshua. He appears to be a Godly man of strength and courage to us. But he must not be, because God repeatedly tells him to be strong and courageous. He commands him, even. He says, “Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9b, NIV). That message is for us too. God is sanctifying us daily to be more Christ-like. We should never be satisfied with who we are. We are a sinful, fearful people and He wants us to be glorifying Him in all we do and do that courageously. So, trust in His plan, sister, but pray that He will put opportunities in your path to grow you in that trust and courage.   

How do I tell my Christian parents that I'm gay? I am a Christian but I don't know what to do.

Know this: your parents are going to be heartbroken. If you believe that Jesus took on a human body so that he could come to earth, live a sinless life, and pay the price for your sins by his brutal death on the cross and then came back from the dead, creating a way for us to live eternally in heaven, and you believe without a doubt that if you died tonight, you would go to heaven to be with Him and glorify Him eternally, not because you deserve it, but because he paid the price for you, then you are truly saved. Do not throw your salvation back in His face by living in unrepentant sin. The Bible is the inerrant Word of God. It is not old-fashioned. It is not meant to be re-interpreted for each new generation. It clearly calls homosexual relationships a sin. (Romans 1:18-32; 1 Tim. 1:8-11; Jude 1:7) It clearly calls for marriage to be between a man and a woman. (Gen. 2:24) It clearly says that any sexual relationship outside of marriage is sin. (1 Cor. 7:2; Heb. 13:4; Gal. 5:19-21; 1 Cor. 6:18-20; 1 Cor. 7:8-9; 1 Thess. 4:3-5) It doesn’t say that we won’t be tempted. It doesn’t say that same-sex attraction is inherently sinful--just acting on it or lusting after it. This world shoves sex in our faces. It’s hard to remain Godly. And we are a sinful, broken people, who long to please ourselves. I beg you to read Rosaria Butterfield’s book, The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert. It may show you things in a different light since she speaks from an experience that I don’t have. Telling your parents that you’re gay and you’re a Christian, means telling them you’re going to deny yourself. They can support that. They will still be heartbroken for you and the difficult path ahead for you, though. Telling them you’re gay and you’re going to live that lifestyle, means denying your faith. That will be hard for them to accept. They may not support it. They can still love you while not supporting your choice, so don’t let this cause a rift between you. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. But we accept that we are sinful and repent daily in our prayer life and weekly with our church family and we strive to deny ourselves and please God and glorify Him in all we do. The homosexual lifestyle doesn’t glorify Him. You are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. You are a chosen daughter of the one true King. He is sanctifying you daily to be more like Christ. It is this fallen, broken world that encouraged these same-sex attraction feelings to be strengthened within you. Not God. He never causes us to sin. That is the father of lies. And he is at work in this society, convincing Christians that if God is love, then, of course, He supports love in every form--don’t buy into that. There will be no marriage in heaven. Worldly, sexual desires will be taken out of us. Sex is a gift to strengthen the marriage relationship and is not meant to be about pleasing ourselves, but showing love to our spouse and their showing love to us. We have perverted it. And no marriage relationship is good without God at the center. I urge you to fix your eyes on Jesus and the joy of your salvation in Him. Grow in your relationship with Him to the point that you desire only to glorify Him in all you do.    

I want to do work for the Lord but not sure where to start. I feel as if I’m not doing my duty & fulfilling God's plan if I just stay home or run errands. I want to be more involved & tell people about Jesus. I love going to church but my purpose is to live out my faith. How can I make sure I’m pursuing Him from day to day?

One way to start would be to research local ministries and start volunteering. Also, check into local churches that are going on short term mission trips and see what it takes to join them. And don’t underestimate the power of social media to share the Gospel. If you don’t have time to write your own posts, follow people and share their posts. Also, stay engaged in Bible study. If you don’t have one at your church that fits in your schedule, you can start one in your home. Use online resources like Jen Wilkin’s downloads and podcasts.   

My relationship with my dad has always been very rocky. He was emotionally & mentally abusive. I am trying to mend my relationship with him & work on forgiving him & everyone that was involved but I am finding it very hard. He repeatedly hurts me emotionally & our relationship is very toxic. How can I forgive him & work on myself? I have asked God to help me but I don’t know where else to start.

Forgiving him and continuing to have a toxic relationship with him are two different things. You can forgive him and pray for him and his salvation, but that doesn’t mean you have to subject yourself to further abuse. I don’t know what your living situation is, but if you are still in his household, maybe it’s time to move out so that you can focus on growing in your relationship with God and on recovering from the abuse you’ve already suffered at your father’s hands. Mending your relationship may not be possible if he is still abusive. Viewing him as a lost soul that needs salvation may help you to stop taking his abuse personally, but until the abuse stops, you should probably keep your distance.

I’ve been struggling with sexual mistakes that I have made in the past. I tell myself that I am a different person now & that I am still a good person, but I can’t help thinking that I’ll never find someone who loves me because I’m not a virgin anymore.

You are a completely different person now!! Declare a secondary virginity and resolve to not have sex again until you’re married. Most of us have a past we’re not proud of, and all of us continue to sin every day. A good Christian man will accept that fact that you have been transformed by the love of Christ and made new and will not hold your past against you. Don’t hold it against yourself. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes. Hanging on to that guilt and shame only hurts your relationship with God, because it shows that you haven’t fully taken hold of the glorious fact that you have been forgiven. As far as the east is from the west--that’s how far He has removed our sins from us. We have been washed in the blood of Christ. When God looks at us now, all He sees is Christ’s purity.