Daughter Dilemmas, Week 35
Welcome to week thirty-five of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.
How do I become closer to God's Word?
The best way is to join a Bible study group. Accountability and consistency are the keys! If there aren’t any Bible study groups available to you, I highly recommend working through Nancy Guthrie’s series, Seeing Jesus in the Old Testament and Jen Wilkin’s downloadable podcasts and studies. Or you can sign up for the Daughter of Delight Esther Intensive, an online Bible study group with sisters in Christ across the globe (starting Wednesday, July 31), here. Also, you can challenge yourself to memorize Scripture--that brings us closer to God and His Word!
I fell for a non-Christian but know that nothing can come of it. However, we were friends first. How do I create healthy boundaries so we can remain friends or do we just end our friendship?
There is no reason to end your friendship. Healthy boundaries begin with an open and honest conversation. Tell him that things can’t go back to the way that they were when you dated, but if he’s willing, you’d like to still be able to hang out, grab coffee...whatever. As long as he’s clear that it’s not going anywhere romantically, you should be okay.
I am going on a missions trip in July & I am not sure I’m ready. I don’t want to feel out of place. I also feel like I’m not as strong of a Christian as I should be growing up in a pastor's home, so how do I strengthen my faith & trust God knows what He is doing?
I’m so sorry we didn’t get to this sooner. We have quite a backlog of questions. I hope you haven’t left yet, but if you have, I hope you will be strengthened in your faith by the act of being God’s hands and feet in the mission field. Growing up in a pastor’s home, doesn’t give you any special qualifications, except maybe access to more information and, hopefully, a great example of what the Christian walk looks like. The most important thing is your belief in Jesus as the Son of the One True God who came to earth as a human so that He could live a perfect life and become the only acceptable sacrifice to die for us on the cross, then defeating death, He rose again so that we too, can have eternal life. If you don’t feel ready for missions, maybe you haven’t truly taken hold of that miraculous truth. Maybe the Holy Spirit hasn’t opened your eyes to how amazing God’s grace and mercy is. Maybe you’ve just got the head knowledge from hearing it all your life and your heart hasn’t been changed yet. I had a “road to Damascus” conversion experience, as some people call it. I had my heart changed in an instant. I went from being blind to the understanding of that truth, to complete devastation at my lack of worthiness, to amazement at God’s mercy at saving me anyway. Some people come to faith slowly over time, or maybe even at such a young age that they don’t really remember an actual change in their understanding. That’s okay, if that’s how it happened to you. It’s just a little harder to get excited about it to the point that you want to share it with everyone by doing things like mission trips. That’s a great place to start, though. God is working all things to bring about our salvation and His glory. We can trust in Him and His plan. We can grow in our faith by studying His word, memorizing it, telling others about it, and praying. Pray often. I find the PRAY method works best for me: P-Praise, R-Repent, A-Ask, Y-Yield. Praise Him and thank Him for your many blessings, repent and ask forgiveness and for a heart that forgives others, present your needs/requests before Him, and yield to His will (Your will be done), because ultimately what He wants for you and what He wants/ His will is what’s best--whether it looks good to us or not. And you might want to read The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel which lays out the answers to the questions that often plague us when we question God’s will.
My boyfriend & I are trying so hard to stop having sex, but it seems like no matter what we do or how careful we are, we always slip up anyway. We both love the Lord deeply and want to honour him...what do we do?
It’s hard to put the genie back in the bottle. That’s why it’s best to remain abstinent until marriage. You’ve tasted the forbidden fruit and that makes the cravings much more intense. If you truly want to honor God and glorify Him in all you do, you have to set limits on your physical contact--don’t go beyond kissing. And, as I used to tell my high school abstinence classes: KYPO--keep your pants on! No taking clothes off. You should also maintain modesty in the way you dress and the movies/TV you watch and music you listen to. Maybe hang a baby bottle on the headboard. Condoms fail 20% of the time--that’s 2 out of every 10 times. Condom manufacturers aren’t held to very high standards. Sex is a short term pleasure. Repetitive sin can have long term consequences in your life and in your relationship with the One who died to save you from the punishment for that sin.
Every time I’m faced with a challenging task God has provided me with, I’ve always found it easier to escape through other means like watching Netflix & other unhealthy habits that can be of sexual nature. Sometimes I sense that it is the interference of the devil, but I face so much difficulty overcoming this. I want nothing but to please God & do things for His glory, but sometimes the escapism is too much to bear. Help!
Of course, it’s the devil. He is thrilled by our weaknesses. He is trying to convince everyone that truth is not fact. Everyone struggles with sin and temptation. Even Paul did. (Romans 7:15-24) But what we pour in, is what we pour out. What are you pouring in? It’s a vicious cycle. The more Netflix you watch, the more you want to watch. That goes for all your vices for escape. We get stressed and we want to escape and even when we know it’s not good for us, we convince ourselves there is no harm in it and do it anyway. Life is hard. Glorifying God in ALL we do is even more difficult. But that’s what we are called to do. Jesus said to love God with all of our hearts, minds, and souls and love others as much as we love ourselves. But we flip that because we love ourselves and this world way too much. So, how do we stand firm against temptation? Be careful what we pour in. Listen to Christian music, read Christian books, watch clean shows, listen to podcasts of sermons--pour in good Spiritual food and your cravings for escapist, worldly, unGodly content will slowly go away.
My best friend loves God with all her heart but she’s in love with a married man & he is in love with her. Even though they don’t have anything more than a friendship, she doesn’t want to feel that way towards him because she knows it’s wrong. I’ve told her to seek God but she says that no matter what she does or how hard she tries she can’t stop feeling the way she feels toward him. What should she do other than seeking God?
Sometimes we can work ourselves up into an obsession. It sounds like that’s what they’ve done. Obsessions are very similar to addictions and can be difficult to let go of without help. “Seeking God” means truly wanting to glorify God in all we do. Obsessing over a married man--possibly tempting him to sin--doesn’t glorify God. She is glorifying her own selfish desires. She has fallen in love with the idea of this man based on her friendship with him, and the cheap words of love he has spoken to her. Who he really is as a husband may be quite different. But even if it isn’t, even if he’s the “perfect” man, he would have to do the unthinkable--leave the woman he vowed to love, honor and cherish until death parts them--to be with your friend. That would break God’s heart, not to mention his wife’s. And how long before he moves on and “falls in love” with someone else? On top of this grievous sin, where is his loyalty? Where is his honor? She needs to tell him to admit to his wife that he has feelings for another woman and get some marriage counseling. Then, she needs to cut out all contact with him. If she doesn’t, she’s living in unrepentant sin. Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matt. 5:27-28) Your friend is NOT “seeking God” when she refuses to give this man up. She is committing adultery in her heart.
Is it wrong to ask God to take my life like Elijah did? I can't continue anymore, I am not suicidal or anything but I really can't take it anymore. Life is really hard & as I live, I feel that I am drifting apart from God by the day.
Sweet sister, I wish I could hug you and sit with you and hear your story. Life is a precious gift and I’m so sorry that you are suffering and not finding any joy in it. God wants you to live and find joy in Him. I don’t know what your circumstances are and if that is what causes you pain or if you’re suffering from mental health issues. If you are in terrible circumstances, I beg you to remember Peter who stepped out on the waves and walked on the water, but when he focused on the storm around him, he started to sink. (Matt. 14:22-33) When we focus on this hard life and our difficult circumstances we can feel like we’re drowning too. It’s only when we keep our eyes fixed on Jesus and our relationship with Him and our salvation found in Him that we can have peace and joy in this broken world. But if you have mental health issues, I urge you to get counseling and medication. There are over the counter medications to try for anxiety-like CBD oil and passionflower too. But a good Christian therapist can really help you find your way. It’s also important to pour in “good” things. This world is full of darkness. We have to be intentional about what we watch and what we listen to and what we read. We have to study the Bible and listen to Christian music and podcasts to lift us up and keep us focused on Christ. Here is a Christian hotline to call if your thoughts do turn suicidal: Grace Help Line 24 Hour Christian service 1-800-982-8032 and here’s a link to the national suicide prevention number and website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ You will be in our prayers. <3
I only began struggling with anxiety this year because my boyfriend went to college three hours away & I’m starting college this year. I feel like sometimes I could have a panic attack & just pray. I also feel like I have this anxiety due to my parents divorce this past year. What would be the best stress relievers? I write in a prayer journal from time to time & study the Word. I just don’t know why my anxiety creeps up for no reason.
I find that counting my blessings and doing volunteer work, ministering to others, and praying for others turns my thoughts from my worries to love and concern for others, which usually flips my anxiety switch off. But it sounds like your anxiety goes beyond what I’ve experienced if you’re having panic attacks. I recommend you try CDB oil and passionflower. I have seen it do wonders for people I know with anxiety. And since you are dealing with some pretty big losses, maybe you need to reach out to an older woman in your church who can be a mentor to you, or you can talk to your pastor or even find a Christian counselor. Talking things out is very beneficial to our minds and our souls. It helps to remember that God is in control and He is working all things together for His glory and our good--even when we can’t see it. Sometimes we hold on so tightly to circumstances, trying to control them or change them, that we forget that God is holding us.
How can I be in the world but not of it? I go to a Christian school but no one acts like it & many support very unchristian things. It’s very difficult to be around. How can I stay strong & know the truth when people proclaiming to be Christians push & do so many unchristian things?
The fact that you’re worried about it, means you’re starting out from a better perspective than those people you have seen that gave in to their worldly desires. It does seem to happen more often in homeschooled or Christian schooled people. I believe that this is because they start thinking that their parents have forced their faith on them and they are harboring resentment. Some don’t really have any understanding of the Gospel. Actions speak louder than words. Maybe it’s time to find some new friends. If we have a true saving faith that comes with a clear understanding of what Christ did for us, then we want to live our lives in such a way that we glorify God in all we do–not treat his sacrifice like it doesn’t mean anything. Stay strong in the faith by focusing on that. Surrounding yourself with like-minded Christians will help too. Read and study your Bible and worship regularly. Memorize Scripture like Phil. 4:8. Because this world is full of darkness and the father of lies is trying to convince us that there is no truth, we have to work that much harder to stand strong in our faith. Hang in there.
What do you do when you have been in a battle for your mind & heart, trying to get over someone, & then find out the friend you have been confiding in tells you she & the person you are trying to get over have feelings for each other...& we serve in the same ministry...How do I heal when I keep getting hurt? How do I overcome this?
It is a heartbreaking situation. And when our hearts get broken, they take time to heal. There is no quick fix. I don’t know the circumstances, but I know if this man broke your heart, you are much better off without him. You deserve someone who cherishes you. Someone who can’t wait to see you and who doesn’t want to be without you. Someone who loves God first and you second. This guy hurt you, so he didn’t honor or respect you or God. He was in it for himself. Unfortunately, he will probably hurt your friend too. You can forgive her more easily, I bet, because you know the power he had over you, and how charming he was to you. The only way to forgive is to remember that God forgives us every single day. We sin all the time. We treat God terribly. Yet, He forgives us because He loved us enough to send His Son to pay the price for our sin. We don’t deserve God’s forgiveness and maybe your friend and your ex are unrepentant and they don’t deserve your forgiveness either. But we are called to love God with all of our heart and soul and mind and to love others as much as we love ourselves. We can’t do that perfectly this side of heaven, but having a forgiving spirit is a start. Let go of your anger and bitterness because those are born of self-righteousness not humility. You can’t love them enough to forgive them if you aren’t humble. Have you ever hurt someone? Have you ever broken someone’s heart? Maybe not. I have. And I still feel sick about it. But it does make it easier for me to forgive, knowing that I am capable of that kind of behavior too. This man is not the right man for you. Be thankful this relationship is over. Give yourself some space from them as you heal, but remember that the first step in healing is forgiveness, and the first step in forgiving is loving them as much as you love yourself. Focus on your relationship with Christ right now. Focus on the joy of your salvation and the fact that you’re forgiven. But cut yourself some slack, too. You’re only human, and it will take time.