Daughter Dilemmas, Week 36

Welcome to week thirty-six of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

I really struggle with doubt. I know Jesus, but I don’t know how to get rid of the doubt in my head. Whenever I read the Bible, sometimes I start to question & I really want to know how to stop it.

If you know Jesus, and you believe that He took on a human body so that he could die for your sins and then defeat death by rising again, so that you can live on in heaven, then you are saved. Pray that the Holy Spirit will come upon you and give you peace in that knowledge as you continue to grow in relationship with the Lord. Don’t just read your Bible, study it. Everything in it points to Christ. When you see that, you can have no doubt that it is God-breathed. I recommend Nancy Guthrie’s five-part book series, Seeing Jesus in the Old Testament. You can work through it on your own or ask some friends to join you, so you can hold each other accountable. It will open your eyes to a greater understanding of the Gospel and transform your prayer life. You don’t have to doubt your salvation. And although works don’t save us, faith without works is useless. We are called to glorify God in all we do. Can we do that perfectly this side of heaven? No. But that is the goal. Our sanctification process (God making us more Christ-like) is ongoing. So, rejoice in your salvation and spread that joy through volunteering in local ministries, being Jesus’ hands and feet in this fallen world. Fixing your eyes on Jesus, keeps you from letting your circumstances and worldly things put doubts in your mind.

There’s a guy I know who’s super godly & mature. I’m attracted to him because of these qualities but don’t know if we have any kind of future together. Should I make my interest in him clear? I don’t think he likes me but I’m worried that if he doesn’t know I like him, I’ll never meet another Godly guy like him!

It’s so hard to put yourself out there, and it can make things awkward going forward if he’s not interested. But it could be his own insecurities holding him back, so it may be time to take the risk and tell him you’d like to explore taking things to the next level. Ask him to pray about it. If he says he’s not interested, don’t be discouraged. You don’t want a guy that’s not excited about being with you. God’s timing is perfect. He’ll bring the right one to you. In the meantime, work on your relationship with God and glorifying Him in all you do, so that His light shines so brightly in you that it attracts the kind of man He desires for you.  

How do you know God has said "Yes" or given His approval?

Have you heard the saying, “When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window”? Sometimes it’s really obvious when God closes a door in our life, but it’s a lot more difficult to tell when He opens one. The best way to know is to ask yourself, “Does this glorify God?” Or at the very least, “If I take this path, will I still be able to glorify God in my thoughts, words and deeds?” Because often the desires of our hearts, are not the good things that God wants for us. If our eyes are fixed on our relationship with Him then we truly can “do all things” through Christ. God gives us so many good choices. Many times, that is His way of saying, “Yes.” Only when the choice will lead to encouraging sin in our lives do we know it’s not from Him.     

My husband abandoned me & wants a divorce. Am I supposed to wait for him?

There are a few provisions for divorce in the Bible and one of them is abandonment. (1 Cor. 7:12-16) Since I don’t know the details of your situation it’s hard for me to advise you. All marriage is sacred and should be preserved, if possible. And by that I mean if both people are willing to work at it and go to counseling and put God first and the other person second and themselves third as the marriage vow (“forsaking all others”) dictates. If not, if he has abandoned you and moved on, let him go. He is the one who has forsaken his vows. He is the one who hasn’t lived up to the promises he made. God doesn’t want you to suffer because of his sin. Talk to the elders in your church and get the counsel of your pastor, but I think they will agree that since it was not your choice and he has no interest in reconciliation, you are free to divorce him and eventually to remarry with Biblical authority.

I am finding it very hard at the moment to be motivated. I spend most of my days in my room in bed. I want to be productive & use my time wisely for God! I’ve been praying for motivation but am still finding it very difficult.

When you have lost the motivation to leave your bed, that’s depression. Lots of things can bring on clinical depression: hormone imbalance, a loss of a loved one or a job, thyroid problems, a chemical imbalance in your brain, severe apnea, even a food allergy. It’s important that you see a doctor and have some blood work done and consult with him/her about what the causes could be for you and what solutions may work best for you. There is no shame in needing medication. Sometimes, our brains need help to function properly. It doesn’t help that this world is so filled with negativity and darkness. If you are already depressed, you can’t fill your mind and spirit with dark-themed books and TV. Choose wholesome reading and viewing material. Listen to Christian music and podcasts of sermons and Bible teaching. Take small steps toward using your time wisely for God by choosing a ministry to volunteer at and signing up for a couple of hours a week. Don’t stare up the stairs, just step up the step. In other words, don’t overwhelm yourself with commitments. Set small goals for yourself and focus on one thing at a time. You can’t help others if you’re not able to help yourself. Get help from a doctor/counselor/pastor first, then try to make some changes with the focus on Jesus and the joy you have in knowing that you are a chosen daughter of the one true King. He is the way and the truth and the light. Let His light shine into the darkness that is holding you back. Ask for the Holy Spirit to give you peace and strength and motivation. Remember, we are called to glorify God in all we do. That’s not going to happen if you can’t get out of bed. We’ll be praying for you, sister. 

I have experienced spiritual warfare in my life in the last year & especially in the last month. Things like:

• Short notice I was told to find a new place to live, with no savings or prospects.
• The morning of my move, I was in a car accident. Insurance is only covering half of the repair cost.
• My financial stresses are crushing me on all sides.
• When I turn to my friends for encouragement and quality time, no one is to be seen. What I once thought were deep Christian friendships, are feeling shallow.
• I feel increasingly isolated. I’m almost 25 & I’ve never been in a serious relationship. My friends get into relationships with so much ease & I just can't. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
• My job... I’m being passive-aggressively bullied & put down. A place that was once my happy place to be is now toxic. 

I never complain & I’m always steadfast in the Lord, but I feel like I just can’t catch my breath. I know these are all worldly things & worries, but I just can’t shake them. How do I focus on the Lord & ignore all the things going wrong in my life when I am emotionally tapped out. Lately, I can’t even muster the energy to pray or read Scripture. I’ve never felt so disconnected. Any encouragement, scripture or prayers are needed.

The circumstances that burden us, hurt us, emotionally drain us, are the tools the father of lies uses to pull us further away from God. It is spiritual warfare. And we have to be like David when he faced Goliath. (1 Sam. 17) Even though we feel like the other soldiers--terrified and alone. We all struggle at times with being motivated to grow in our relationship with Him, so when hard times come, when we need Him the most, we turn away in frustration because we can’t see Him working in our lives, or feel His presence. I love the song Never Alone by Barlow Girl because it speaks to that feeling. Even though she feels like God has turned His back on her, she clings to what she knows is true: “You (God) are here. And I’m never alone.” I’m sorry that you feel so alone. I’m sorry that your friends have let you down and your workplace has become toxic. If there is no way to repair those relationships then it may be time for a change. (Hebrews 12: 1-17) Maybe you can find a new church and meet some new friends. Maybe you can start looking for another job. Whether or not you do those things, you must take the focus off yourself and your circumstances and put it back on your relationship with God. He wants you to find your joy in that. He wants you to stop holding on so tightly to this world and allow yourself to be held by Him. As far as having a relationship, focus on growing in your relationship with Christ, and then pray that He will raise up the right man for you. His timing is perfect and He knows just what you need. Trust. (2 Peter 3: 8-9; Proverbs 3:5-6) When you don’t have the energy to pray, listen to Christian music or podcasts of Bible teaching. The internet makes it easy. (Just be careful it’s good, reformed teaching like Moody radio.) Hang in there because God can work all these things for your good and His glory. (Romans 8:28)

I am so anxious about my relationship with my boyfriend. I don’t know if it is because I’ve been in long relationships before that were toxic & obviously ended up failing & maybe I’m just expecting the same. This is the first relationship where my body is respected, where I am not being pressured into sex & am actually abstaining from it & the first where I am constantly anxious & wanting to know where it’s going. I don’t want to rush him or myself, how do I stop feeling so insecure about this & draw peace from something that could very well end?

Maybe in the past you allowed sex to be the anchor in your relationships and that’s why you’re feeling anxious. This time, accept God as your anchor. Imagine your relationship as a triangle with God at the top point and you and your boyfriend across from each other. Strive to grow in your relationship with God and with each other. If you keep your eyes fixed on God, knowing that even if this man is not the one God wants you to marry, He will be faithful to raise up the right man at the right time. Possibly a time when you have turned over your anxiety to Him and come to trust that the future is His. This world and all our worldly desires are temporary. But our relationship with God is eternal. The joy we find in relationships with others in this life is a gift. Trust. Breathe. Pray for peace. Stop holding on so tight by remembering that you’re held. 

I’ve never had a drink in my life. But after starting to work, I have started “social drinking”.I make sure I just have a glass so that I don’t get drunk. I’ve never gotten drunk or lost my senses. I've never gotten addicted to it. However, I keep wondering if, as Christians, it's right or wrong to drink?

The Bible says that wine gladdens the heart. And we know that Jesus and the people of that time only drank wine and water. There is nothing wrong with drinking in moderation. But we are warned not to get drunk and not to allow it to become a vice or idol--which is what happens when it becomes an addiction. If you have an addictive personality or have alcoholism in your family, then it’s probably best to avoid it. But if you have no trouble stopping after one drink, you should be fine. There are some Christians who believe that it sets a bad example and choose not to drink. If your heart is troubled by it, and you don’t feel like you are shining Christ’s light by drinking, then don’t do it. This is not an issue of salvation. But you should do what you feel best glorifies God.  

My daughter was raised in a Christian household. We’re not perfect parents, but we did love her & tried to teach her well. She turned 18 & moved in with her boyfriend! Whom we do not think is the right one for her for many reasons! This isn’t how she was raised & we know this isn’t Gods will for her! It’s been hard to deal with as a family & she has no care or regard for herself, our culture, the morals & values we instilled in her, (we are middle eastern). Lots of praying & affirming. I as a mother have been sick over this, it’s my worst dream come true. I am living a nightmare. It is very frowned upon & not respected-what she’s doing. Please pray for her return home. Thank you so much.

This is a heartbreaking situation. Unfortunately, only God’s Holy Spirit can change people’s hearts. We can teach our children morals and values and pray for them and with them and point them in the right direction. But we can’t make them choose the right path. We can’t open their eyes to the truth of the Gospel. Sometimes, children have to make their own mistakes to learn. I’ve seen lots of kids raised in Christian homes go completely wild when they become adults. They’ve built up resentment in their hearts--hardened their hearts--to the truth. I’m sure you are heartbroken. Remember, that first sexual relationship is a powerful thing. (That’s why God wants us to wait for marriage.) It has completely clouded her judgement. Maybe the best way to handle this situation is to tell her that when she decides to stop living in unrepentant sin, you will take her back with open arms, but until that time, you can’t help her financially or any other way. Unfortunately, that kind of tough love doesn’t help her see the truth. It will probably make her dig in her heels. Another option would be to sit down with her and the boyfriend and do some pre-marriage style counseling. Maybe if you talk about the qualities they need for a successful relationship, she’ll come to see that he is wrong for her. Maybe have them take the Five Love Languages quiz based on the book by Gary Chapman. Or see if they’d be open to counseling with your pastor. Pray about it, and talk to your pastor about it, and try to remember that you are her example of Christ. We will be praying for Nelly’s eyes to be opened to the truth of the Gospel so that she will long to glorify God in all that she does.  

I was born in a Hindu family, but two years back I realized the truth. I accepted Jesus as my Lord & start praying Him. But I face a lot of struggle. I pray daily, but my family does not support me. They always try to pull me away from Christianity. It is such a difficult task to face this type of opposition from my parents. What should I do?

Praise God that you have found salvation!! I’m so sorry that it puts you at odds with your family. I’m sure it is heartbreaking for you. I am so amazed that you have continued to grow in your faith for two whole years in such difficult circumstances. That is what is so amazing about grace!  Do you live with your parents? If so, is it possible for you to move out? If you could move out on your own and join a church--if you haven’t already, that could give you the support and encouragement you need to stand strong in your faith. If you can’t move out, it’s still important for you to attend a Christian church and go to Bible study. The thing about Hinduism--as I’m sure you know better than I--is that it’s not based on a personal, loving God. It’s more of a philosophy than a theology (a study of God). Maybe you could ask your parents to answer some of the questions that you had about Hinduism that didn’t add up in your mind, and that led you to search for and realize the truth of Christianity. Only the Holy Spirit can change their hearts, but helping them see why you believe in Jesus Christ as your Savior and your eternal life in heaven through His sacrifice for you, instead of relying on your own good works in lifetime after lifetime to realize the Hindu version of heaven could make them more understanding. They need to understand that you didn’t casually toss their beliefs aside. The only other thing that you can do is pray for them to come to a saving faith in Jesus Christ too. Praying for you and your family! Keep your heart and mind fixed on the truth and pray that God will protect you from their attempts to pull you away from Him.