Daughter Dilemmas, Week 37

Welcome to week thirty-seven of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

I always told myself I’d never lose my virginity because I wanted to save my virginity for marriage. That my body was a temple & I should only have sex when married. However, I ended up having sex not once but multiple times. Sometimes I even feel guilty & like I’ve sinned a bad thing. Why do others make me feel this way? It makes me happy & it’s all consensual, but because I hear that I shouldn’t have sex before marriage, it makes me feel like I can’t talk about it to anyone at my church. I want to be able to freely talk about this topic & trust someone in what I do with my sex life.

Any sex outside of a marriage relationship is sinful. (Gen. 2:24; Mark 10:6-9; Eph. 5:3; Gal. 5:19; 2 Cor. 12:21; 1 Cor. 6:9, 13-18; Heb. 13:4, 1 Thess. 4:3-5) It doesn’t matter if it’s consensual. It doesn’t matter that you enjoy it. The Bible is very clear on this topic. Sex was a gift to us to enhance the marriage relationship. It helps you bond with your spouse and strengthens your love. The more sexual relationships you have before marriage, the less able your brain is to form that bond. No one is trying to make you feel bad about yourself, but the fact that you don’t believe what you’re doing is sinful, means you are living in unrepentant sin. The people in your life want you to give up sex before marriage so that your relationship with God isn’t diminished. They want you to confess your sin and stop doing it so that you can honor God with your life and body and actions. ( 1 John 1:9)The momentary pleasure you receive in these sexual relationships are nothing compared to the joy of your salvation in Christ. We are called to love God with all our hearts, minds and souls and to glorify Him in all that we do. We can’t do that if we live in unrepentant sin.

What do you suggest when you feel in a “rut” with Jesus? What I mean by this is, I find myself on fire for Jesus for months & then somehow I allow this to fade & become complacent. I become less committed to Bible study, meditation & reflection, devotionals & journaling. Basically everything. I tell myself each day: “Okay, starting tomorrow I’ll wake up earlier so I can spend time with the Lord.” But then the day comes & I hit snooze & forget & the cycle repeats. I also feel overwhelmed by guilt when this happens. I know I need to be more committed & intentional but life keeps getting in the way. Please help!

You are not alone. It is a daily struggle with our sin nature to not get swept away by life and circumstances and to intentionally fix our eyes on Jesus. When we get in those ruts we have to make a deliberate choice to schedule time with Jesus. Join or start a Bible study, listen to Christian radio in the car, listen to podcasts of sermons or Bible teaching when you’re making dinner or folding laundry. Start your day with prayer. If you can’t stop and pray, do it while you’re fixing your hair or putting on your make-up. It’s those daily, boring chores that suck the energy out of us and we think, “I’ll do my devotional after I…” Well, do it during those chores. Devotionals are about setting the tone for the day--fixing your eyes--for that day. You can do that even if you don’t have time to do it on your own over a cup of coffee. Life is busy and distracting and it drains us of motivation. I remember a VBS song that says, “Don’t stare up the stairs, just step up the step.” That’s what you have to do to get out of the rut. Do one thing. Then, that turns into two things. Then, that starts to transform your heart and fan that flame inside you.

My husband & I have had some hard times lately after the birth of our son almost two years ago. We decided I should quit my full-time job & be a stay at home mom & now it feels like he resents the fact that he has to “support me” as he puts it. He has always been very cheap & stingy with his money & now that I have no income to contribute I feel trapped because he does not allow me to spend any money on even the smallest of things. We have tried counseling with our pastor but he doesn’t seem to understand that as a husband it is his responsibility to provide for his family. I’m now pregnant with our second child & I am scared it’s going to be even worse once the new baby gets here. Is there anything I can do to help him see me as less of a burden & more of a partner?

Maybe you could contribute to the household by finding some part-time work? Child care expenses would probably cancel out any income you bring in though. You could gently remind him of that. Maybe you could work out a budget, take on the responsibility of paying the bills, and start using coupons so that he can see that you are trying to do all that you can to stretch the household income. Does he have any interest in being a house-husband? Maybe you could work full-time and he could stay home. This spirit of resentment that is building in both of you is very toxic to your marriage. I hope that you will continue with counseling and address this with your pastor. The heart of resentment is self-righteous anger. None of us have cause to feel self-righteous “for we have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23) If he could shift his focus to how blessed you are that he can provide enough for you to stay home and provide your children with the loving care they need instead of focusing on the things he has to do without, it would radically transform his resentment into thankfulness and joy. But stress tends to put our focus in the wrong place. Remember how stressful it is to work full time. He is feeling pulled in so many directions and probably forgetting the most important WAY. We are called to glorify God in all we do. Both of you need Bible study and prayer groups. Putting God first in our hearts reminds us of what is really important. Money and things are not it. Maybe you could start a couples devotional. Kirk and Chelsea Cameron have an online marriage seminar that might be a good fit for you.( https://www.thecouragecourses.com/heart-of-family ) Take the time to work on your marriage, so these resentments don’t destroy your relationship.  

My grandparents are already talking about their death wishes. My grandfather keeps telling my grandmother he wants to be cremated & my grandmother fights back by saying it isn’t biblical. They are both Christians, & I am not going to get in between, but I just want to know if cremation is okay in the eyes of God?

The Bible doesn’t address this topic specifically. Your grandmother is probably basing her belief on the fact that no one in the Bible is cremated. They are all buried or placed in tombs or caves. We all return to dust eventually since our bones eventually decay. Cremation just speeds up the process. And if God can bring bones back to life & He can form life out of dust, then when He returns to make all things new, I doubt it matters what form our old bodies are in when He restores us to a heaven on earth. They won’t be the same anyway. Jesus’ resurrected body could appear and disappear. He could eat, but He didn’t have to. I don’t think He needed sleep either. At any rate, it’s our souls that matter, and those will be in heaven praising the Lord until such time as He returns. I hope your grandparents will counsel with their pastor and come to a decision that makes them both happy.

I’m addicted to my phone & feel like I think about what’s going on on my phone more than spending time with God. What’s some Scripture & the best ways to overcome this?

What do you think is motivating this addiction? Think about what your triggers are, motivating you to check your phone obsessively. Are you anxious to see people’s responses to your posts? Are you bored or lonely, wanting to connect? Obviously, there are a lot of great things on our phones: Bible apps, Daughter of Delight on Instagram, keeping up with the news worldwide, locally, and with friends. But what do you think would happen if you lost your phone? You have admitted you have a problem, now take steps to help yourself have a more balanced approach to using your phone. There are other sources for all the things you get from your phone. I recommend a phone fast. Put your phone in a drawer and leave it there for a week. (If that seems too overwhelming, start smaller. Maybe fast on Sundays, then add days after you’ve successfully done that.) The world is not going to come to an end if you don’t have instant communication with everyone you know. If you can’t go completely without it, delete all your social media apps and limit your texting. (I mean, actually give yourself a limit for how many texts you make per day.) Use your Bible as a replacement coping mechanism. Every time you feel like reaching for your phone, reach for your Bible instead. Give yourself a specific task, like, researching every time God says, do not fear or I am with you. Look up every reference. Write it down. (The old-fashioned way with pen and paper. Maybe get a small notebook for this purpose.) Then choose some of those verses to memorize. When you are feeling anxious, work on that. I know a Bible is not as convenient to pull out of your pocket when you’re stuck in a boring line or in a waiting room, so that’s when you can meditate on your memory verses. And remember, any addiction is sin because you have made what you’re addicted to an idol. Also, do some actual connecting with people by making some dates with friends for lunch or coffee or watching a movie. Turn your phone OFF during these “dates” and don’t post anything about them. Bible study is also a great place to connect with people and draw closer to God at the same time. We are called to glorify God in all we do and to love others as much as we love ourselves. A phone addiction is glorifying only to you and feeding your self-love, not your love of others. In this culture of selfies, it’s easy to forget what’s really important. Don’t let yourself neglect your relationship with God. 

Hi, I am a working mom & my kids are taken care of by my in-laws when I have to work. Both, my husband & I travel almost 50-100 kms per day for work & are out of home for most part of the day. When we get back, we are too exhausted to spend quality time with the kids & constantly feel guilty about it. I have prayed about quitting & staying back at home but somehow, I think it is not God's will for me to stay at home to look after the kids. While I am blessed to have my in-laws to take care of the kids, there is constant guilt that I should be there for the kids & should spend more time with them. How do I know I am doing the right thing? Biblically, it says, the husband should provide for the family. However, in order to live a comfortable life & to meet the expenses, it would be best if I have a job.

This is a tough one for me to give advice about because I chose the opposite path. I stayed home with my children and homeschooled them. It was a struggle financially, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But that is not the right choice for everyone. It’s wonderful that your children are cared for by family members that love them--that’s vital. I’m sure they’d rather have you, but they are in a great situation and that is nothing for you to feel guilty about. Particularly, if you love your job. Since this is weighing so heavily on your heart, maybe you don’t. Would it be possible for you to find something part-time, or something where you could work from home? That might give you the best of both situations. I don’t know how anyone works a full time job and has the energy to take care of their children and their home too. I don’t know the ages of your children, but would it be possible to get up a little earlier and sit down to breakfast as a family? Maybe even do a short devotional together? Or can you make it home in time to have dinner together regularly? Can you make it a screen-free zone where you actively engage with your kids, maybe even make a game out of their sharing the funniest thing that happened that day, or something? The most important thing is for them to have your full attention at some point every day and for you to be a Godly example as a woman, a wife and a mother. Your job is to teach them about the love of Christ in thought, word and deed. As long as God is a focal point in your life, it’s the quality of the time you spend with your kids that matters, not the quantity.   

How can I submit & encourage my husband even though he isn’t actually following Christ? He has anger issues & struggles with pride on top of that. I find it so difficult & almost impossible to submit to his decisions for our family when it’s usually based off his needs & wants, not what’s best for us or good in Christ’s eyes. So it’s been me who’s leading lately & trying to control my husband, which leads us to a lot of heated arguments. What are practical things I can do/say where I’m not actually taking my husband's role that God is calling him to lead but also not jeopardizing our income, the importance of Christ in our lives first, etc?

Couples counseling or marriage retreats are the best thing anyone can do for their marriage. Weekend to Remember is a wonderful one that I’ve been to. There is one online that’s inexpensive by Kirk and Chelsea Cameron that looks really good. But talking to your pastor once a week for a period of time, can be a tremendous help as well. We walk a fine line in marriage. When we are disappointed by the actions or lack of action by our spouse, it’s easy to build up resentment. That resentment is the anger behind all those heated arguments and could spell trouble for your ability to communicate effectively going forward. What’s great about marriage conferences is the way they build you up to want to be the best spouse you can be to the glory of God, instead of pointing the finger at all of your faults. They also help you see the other’s perspective more clearly. If he is unwilling to go to counseling or a marriage conference, then you have to set a Godly example for him and your children by making worship and prayer a priority, maybe even leading a morning devotional at breakfast whether or not he decides to participate. He may not. As much as that hurts, all you can do is pray for him. Pray that the Holy Spirit will change his heart and open his eyes to the truth of what being a Godly spouse means. As he watches your excitement for growing in your relationship with God, hopefully it will soften his heart. Your resentment will only make him dig in his heels. Accept the fact that it is not the situation you wanted and give it over to God to change it--because He’s the only one that can--as you do all you can to glorify God with your actions.

My mother is a very manipulative person & keeps messing with my dad's feelings by leaving & coming back & acting like everything is fine. She accused him of abuse, which isn’t the case at all, & went to the extent to call my sister's school & tell the principal that if my sister feels like she’s in danger, my mom would come. I feel I cannot forgive her for what she has done to my family. She’s home now & everyone acts like it’s okay, but this went on for months. I know God wants us to forgive & I have tried so many times, but anger just boils up. I need some guidance. Is forgiveness necessary or is cleansing of negative people another way God is accepting of?

First, be VERY sure that her accusations of abuse of your sister are not true. Your sister’s protection is a priority. Then, realize that forgiveness and cutting someone out of your life are not mutually exclusive. By that I mean, you can and should forgive her, but that doesn’t mean you have to condone or accept her behavior in your life. It’s okay to not have a relationship with her if her actions are hurting you and she is unrepentant. If you hold on to the anger/grudge, it will eat you up inside. Accept the fact that she doesn’t know the Lord and can’t behave in a Christian way because of that. Forgive her because she is lost. Pray for her to be saved. Pray that the Holy Spirit will change her heart. Pray for your dad to have strength to love you and your siblings and himself enough to not let her manipulate him. Forgiveness doesn’t mean becoming a doormat for someone to wipe their feet on. You can forgive someone because God forgave you when you didn’t deserve it either. But you don’t have to let their toxic behavior continue to hurt you. Only if she is willing to change her behavior, should you try to repair the relationship. God doesn’t want you to continue to let her hurt you. It’s okay to say to your family and to her that it’s not okay for her to walk back into your life as if nothing happened. She needs to ask forgiveness and change her behavior. But she probably won’t, and your family may get angry at you for causing trouble because they want to pretend that everything is fine. So, there will be consequences to you, for refusing to pretend with them. And you have to be okay with that if you are going to cut her out of your life.  

Is it wrong to attend two churches? I’ve just started going to one that starts in the afternoon, but there’s another that starts in the morning I would like to go to.

Membership in a church is a commitment. If you are trying to find the right fit for you, then it’s fine to attend lots of churches before you do commit to one. Choose one with good Bible teaching, sound doctrine. See if they have a class that teaches what they believe. Some churches want you to take a class like that before you join. Is it wrong to attend two churches? No. But it’s better to join one church wholeheartedly and be a part of its body. By that I mean, join their ministry teams, work in the nursery, attend Bible study and social events. Let them become your family--your church family. It’s difficult to have the time to be a faithful member of a church community if you have to split your time between two churches. Life is already so busy.  

Hello! I just joined a church for technically the first time in my life. It was my first service, & they said they were doing baptisms the next week! Since I’m very anxious to be baptised, after the service I signed up. However, I still live at home (I’m 18) & although my parents are Christian, they aren't really into it. Although the Bible says we will be judged by the world, & I’m fine with that, I’m nervous to tell my mum I’ve signed up for baptism. I’m worried she’ll try to stop me because we don’t really know anyone in the church. This makes me worried that I chose the wrong church, especially because when I went to Sunday School as a small child I went to a different one & I feel like I’m cheating on them, but there’s so much history there I’m scared to just rock up on my own. If you could possibly help me with this big dilemma, which I’m sorry to place on you, I would be so grateful. God bless. <3

Sorry we couldn’t answer this right away. We receive more questions each week than we post, so we have quite a backlog! Joining a church is a big commitment and I’m surprised that you were allowed to sign up to be baptized without talking to someone in leadership first. You need to talk to someone about what that church believes and make sure it lines up with Scripture before you become a member. It’s okay to find a different church other than the one you went to as a child. You’re not cheating on them. But it is important to compare churches before you join one. Do a little research. (Check out the Shorter Catechism based on The Westminster Confession of Faith with scripture references. https://matt2819.com/wsc/ That is the basis of faith for most “reformed” churches--protestant churches founded on the teachings of Martin Luther and/or John Calvin. Also, check if they believe in the Apostle’s Creed: https://www.rca.org/resources/apostles-creed ) Talk to the pastor. See if there is a class you can attend that teaches what they believe. Then, after you’re more informed, when you join, take it as a serious commitment to be a part of the church body and volunteer to help its ministries and actively attend its events. If it’s already too late and you’ve become a member, that’s okay. But I would advise you to take the time to learn what they believe. You don’t want to be taught things that don’t line up with Scripture. It’s an important part of the Christian faith to meet regularly with other believers to praise God, profess your faith, and confess your sins together. Congratulations on making that commitment.