Daughter Dilemmas, Week 38

Welcome to week thirty-eight of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

Many non-Christians have confronted me with the question of, “If God is real, why is there so much disease, cruelty, & hatred in the world?" In this situation, I do not know what to say. What is the correct response?

The answer is: because of the sin in this world. All the disease, cruelty, and hatred comes from sin. Not from God. He is light. There is no darkness in Him. And He never causes anyone to sin. (James 1:13-15) The Garden of Eden was perfect. Adam and Eve sinned, and humans have been struggling with their sin nature ever since. But God, because He is rich in mercy, sent His son to take on a pitiful human body, so that he could die a horrible death on the cross--paying the price for our sin--then descend into hell--complete separation from God--and rise again, defeating death, so that we could have eternal life. Life isn’t fair. But if it was, Jesus wouldn’t have died for us. Yes, God is love, and He is goodness and mercy. He allows suffering, because we have free will. He uses our suffering to draw us closer to Him. Not that He isn’t aware that it’s going to happen before it happens. ALL things work together for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28) and eventually His second coming, when all the tears will be wiped away. (Rev. 21:4) Then, we will have a Garden of Eden existence again. I recommend the book, The Case For Christ by Lee Strobel for you to read and share with your skeptical friends. It answers those questions and a lot more. 

I have a hard time praying for things. I feel silly asking when God already knows all my thoughts and that it is His will, not my will. He has a plan, so it feels weird asking for something I so desperately want when I know He will do what is best. How do I balance these two sides of prayer: “Knock...ask and it shall be given to you” and “Not my will but Your will be done”?

God only gives us “the desires of our hearts” when they are in alignment with His will. Just like Jesus took the time to ask God to take “this cup from me” because he was dreading what lay ahead, He still said, “not my will but yours be done.” What we should pray, is for God to make the desire of our hearts to be to glorify Him in all we do. Too often our desires are worldly. People think God has promised to give us whatever we ask for based on that Matthew 7 passage. But Jesus is referring to seeking the kingdom, the bread of life, the living water, the way. Compare it with Phil. 4:6-7 where it says to lay your requests before God and He’ll give you peace. In other words, we can cry out to God in our distress, and pain, and stress and worry and lay it all out for Him, to get it off our chests, but that doesn’t mean He will fix it in the way that we think it should be fixed. He may not fix it at all if it’s something we need to go through or the timing isn’t right. The point of prayer is praise and thankfulness and repentance, so that our joy is found in Him. He’s not Santa Claus or Mr. Fix-it. We’re not meant to lay out our honey-do list before Him. Where’s the humility in that? Prayer is for us. He knows the desires of our hearts. Talking to God can bring us peace. Fixing our eyes on the joy of our salvation and not on the desires of our hearts, is His true will for us.   

I was addicted to masturbation. I always feel guilty & repent after, yet I keep falling short & going back to it. How can I be intentionally true to my word, & not fall into temptation so easily?

We get this question a lot. It is an addiction, much like any other addiction. Read what we recommended for others who are struggling hereand here.

Is pursuing a long-distance relationship even realistic?

Everyone in your life has been placed there by God. To know if someone is the right person to pursue a relationship with, you just need to know if you’re on the same page spiritually. Do you both put God first? That’s number one. Then, if you have a great rapport and physical chemistry too, you should definitely pursue a relationship. You’ll know if this is the person to marry if you share values, and dreams and find that you don’t want to imagine a future without him in it--and he feels that way too. There’s no mystery in determining “the one” God has chosen for you. If you are striving to glorify God in all you do, that extends to your relationships. That is all God wants for you. If a relationship with this guy glorifies God and makes you both happy--he’s the one. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself about it. God’s timing is perfect. If a long-distance relationship doesn’t appeal to either of you, maybe it’s not the right guy or maybe it’s not the right time. Trust in the Lord with all your heart...and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I live in constant fear. Everything I do is in fear. I’m always scared always fearful. Always second-guessing, always doubting. I’m especially scared for my future. I don’t know the purpose God has given me. I don’t know what my gifts are. I’m 16 now & I need to really start thinking about my future. I’m so scared.

It breaks my heart to know you live in fear at such a young age. I hope that your anxiety doesn’t come from a past trauma in your life. Fear and anxiety is a true disorder and I recommend that you see a counselor and talk about what is the root cause of your fear and possibly about anti-anxiety medications. There are some great natural over-the-counter medications like CBD oil and passionflower you might want to try too. Fear robs you of joy. You are a daughter of the one true king. And He wants you to cast all your fears on Him (Phil. 4:4-7) and step out in faith, knowing He goes before you. We don’t know what the future holds, but we know WHO holds the future. You were given a spirit of power and love and self-discipline. (2 Tim. 1:7) God repeatedly tells Moses and Joshua and the Israelites that He will be with them and to be strong and courageous and to not be afraid. (Deut. 31:6 to name one) He is with you too. He is with you in the scary places and in the happy places. He’s holding on tight to you because you are one of His chosen. Jesus tells his disciples in Luke 12:22-32 that God knows what we need, so we shouldn’t be anxious about our lives. You may not know what you want to do with your future, but God already knows the great things you are going to do. It’s okay to not have it all planned out. You’ve got time. Maybe take a quiz that helps you define what you’re good at and then use those results to explore possible careers using those gifts. It doesn’t matter if you bag groceries or paint houses or take care of children, or perform brain surgery, or do mission work as long as you strive to glorify God wherever you are and whatever you do. That’s a concrete goal for this day, this hour, this minute. Fix your eyes on that goal and everything else will take care of itself.

My fiance passed away in March. He was 35, I'm 30. Neither of us had been married previously or had kids. We thought we had FINALLY found our person. I thought he was who I had been waiting for my entire life. But then, I lost him. The day AFTER we were talking about getting married. I am so heartbroken & full of pain. I am trying to lean on God, but have so many questions. Why did God give him to me for me to lose him after 2 years, especially when our lives were SO close to coming out of struggles? How can I know he is with Jesus? How can I know this was Jesus's will, that it was my fiance's "time," & not a punishment? It feels like a punishment. I feel so alone & have no motivation to go on.

My heart aches for you. If we ask the question why, we’re never going to get an answer. God’s ways are not our ways. (Isaiah 55:8-9) He does have a master plan that is for His glory and our good. (Romans 8:28) Even when bad things happen. Somehow this was purposeful and necessary. You may never see the purpose in it this side of heaven. But you must trust that knowing him and having him in your life for those two years was a gift. Treasure that as you grieve. We’re not promised tomorrow. You had two years. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t fair. But when you look at Jesus and remember He suffered the cross for you--that wasn’t fair either. If He loves you that much, you can believe that all of our suffering has purpose too. You can’t know your fiance’s heart, only God knows who is saved, but we can hope that he was and take comfort in that. He is in a glorious place. He is home. And though your heartaches because you miss him, his heart rejoices to be in the presence of our Savior. We’re just here to learn how to glorify God in all we do, so that we can go on to do that eternally. You may be shaking your fist at God right now imagining that you don’t want to praise Him ever again. We all wander in the desert sometimes. We all feel forsaken sometimes. But when we don’t believe God is with us, it’s not because He left. It’s because we did. He is with you. He is holding you in his righteous right hand. God doesn’t punish us, but He knows what we need to go through to love Him more fully and lean on Him completely. Two songs spoke to my heart when I was grieving: Never Alone by Barlow Girl and Held by Natalie Grant. They reminded me that I have to walk by faith, not by sight. (2 Cor. 5:7) And that life isn’t fair. If it was, Jesus wouldn’t have died for me. So, I have to find my joy in my salvation and not in this world. I hope my feeble words can be a comfort to you. I’ll be praying for you to find peace. (Phil. 4:6-7)    

Can you be with someone who already had sex if you are a virgin? Or should you seek someone that has kept themselves clean as well?

It is much harder to refrain from sex until marriage if you’ve already given in to temptation. So, you will have to have a talk about boundaries and waiting. You’ll have to be even more vigilant than you would with a virgin. God wants us to wait because sex is a gift that enhances the marriage relationship by its intimacy and by the chemical bonding that it causes. The more sexually active a person is before marriage, the less likely they are able to form that bond. That being said, I don’t believe it’s sinful for you to date someone who is not a virgin. But is this person a Christian? That’s the more important issue. The Bible does tell us not to marry a person who doesn’t believe. It’s hard enough to keep a marriage strong without both people striving to glorify God. As long as this person isn’t going to pressure you to have sex, believes his sexual activity before marriage was sinful and has repented, and is a believer, you shouldn’t worry. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God--all the time. It’s when we don’t see it as sin and don’t repent that there’s an issue with our relationship with God. 

I am a young adult & I am an orphan, I have always wanted to be able to share the Word of God with my family but it seems like I do not know how to start or where to start or even how to make sense of it? In this case, how can I start to share it & what would you advise I do before taking the step?

First, you should pray that the Holy Spirit will work in their hearts so that they can understand God’s truth when they hear it. No one can understand if the Holy Spirit doesn’t reveal it to them. I had a friend share the Gospel with me many times, but it didn’t change my heart until a pastor shared it with me a different way, and the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to the truth . So, don’t be discouraged if they don’t receive your words with enthusiasm. One way that is often effective is to ask them, “If you died tonight, do you believe you would go to heaven?” Whatever they answer, ask why. If they say no because they aren’t good enough, or yes because they are good people, then you can explain that no one is good enough--all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23) The price for that sin is death. (Romans 6:23) That’s why the Israelites of the Old Testament had to sacrifice animals. But God made Jesus to die for us so we don’t have to die and we don’t have to sacrifice animals. Now, we can live eternally in heaven because all of our sins are covered by the sacrifice of Jesus. There is a good book called, The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel that answers a lot of questions that non-Christians ask. Maybe it could be a good introduction to the Gospel for your family. The best thing for you to do, if they aren’t ready to hear the Gospel, is to live a life that glorifies God in all you do, so that they can see the light of Christ in you and be drawn to it.

My family & I are Christians. But I like girls (I am a girl) & I don't know what to do. All of my friends accept me, but being Christian & being gay is difficult. I do not know how to tell my parents.

Know this: your parents are going to be heartbroken. If you believe that Jesus took on a human body so that he could come to earth, live a sinless life, and pay the price for your sins by his brutal death on the cross and then came back from the dead, creating a way for us to live eternally in heaven, and you believe without a doubt that if you died tonight, you would go to heaven to be with Him and glorify Him eternally, not because you deserve it, but because he paid the price for you, then you are truly saved. Do not throw your salvation back in His face by living in unrepentant sin. The Bible is the inerrant Word of God. It is not old-fashioned. It is not meant to be re-interpreted for each new generation. It clearly calls homosexual relationships a sin. (Romans 1:18-32; 1 Tim. 1:8-11; Jude 1:7) It clearly calls for marriage to be between a man and a woman. (Gen. 2:24) It clearly says that any sexual relationship outside of marriage is sin. (1 Cor. 7:2; Heb. 13:4; Gal. 5:19-21; 1 Cor. 6:18-20; 1 Cor. 7:8-9; 1 Thess. 4:3-5) It doesn’t say that we won’t be tempted. It doesn’t say that same-sex attraction is inherently sinful–just acting on it or lusting after it.This world shoves sex in our faces. It’s hard to remain Godly. And we are a sinful, broken people, who long to please ourselves. I beg you to read Rosaria Butterfield’s book, The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert. It may show you things in a different light since she speaks from an experience that I don’t have.Telling your parents that you’re gay and you’re a Christian, means telling them you’re going to deny yourself. They can support that. They will still be heartbroken for you and the difficult path ahead for you, though.Telling them you’re gay and you’re going to live that lifestyle, means denying your faith. That will be hard for them to accept. They may not support it. They can still love you while not supporting your choice, so don’t let this cause a rift between you.We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. But we accept that we are sinful and repent daily in our prayer life and weekly with our church family and we strive to deny ourselves and please God and glorify Him in all we do. The homosexual lifestyle doesn’t glorify Him. You are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. You are a chosen daughter of the one true King. He is sanctifying you daily to be more like Christ. It is this fallen, broken world that encouraged these same-sex attraction feelings to be strengthened within you. Not God. He never causes us to sin. That is the father of lies. And he is at work in this society, convincing Christians that if God is love, then, of course, He supports love in every form–don’t buy into that. There will be no marriage in heaven. Worldly, sexual desires will be taken out of us. Sex is a gift to strengthen the marriage relationship and is not meant to be about pleasing ourselves, but showing love to our spouse and their showing love to us. We have perverted it. And no marriage relationship is good without God at the center. I urge you to fix your eyes on Jesus and the joy of your salvation in Him. Grow in your relationship with Him to the point that you desire only to glorify Him in all you do. 

At what point is it “okay” to disobey our parents in order to obey our God?

If your parents are not Christians or if they are asking you to disobey God in some way, then you shouldn’t obey them instead of God. But if they are Christians and you are living under their roof, and you disagree about a matter of religion, then you have to respect their beliefs until such time that you live on your own and can worship God in the way that you believe glorifies Him best. We are called to honor our father and mother, but if they are disobeying God or asking you to, God’s command to love Him with all your heart and soul comes first, no matter if you’re twelve or twenty.