Daughter Dilemmas, Week 39
Welcome to week thirty-nine of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.
Did the fact that I have had sex ruin my chance at a happy marriage & a happy family? People are telling me that because of this mistake, I will be punished in my marriage even though I have repented & turned away from that sin.
I don’t know who these “people” are, but they apparently don’t understand God’s grace. Once you have repented of past sin and accepted Christ into your heart, there is no longer any condemnation. (Romans 8:1) For it is by grace you have been saved--not because you did anything to earn it. (Eph. 2:8-9) And your sinful past is forgiven and forgotten. ((Psalm 103:12) Of course, there are consequences to our sin. Sometimes those consequences rear their ugly heads in our lives and cause us pain. For example, being very sexually active before marriage can cause problems like STDs you might pass along, getting bored with your sex life more easily, and not being able to bond with your spouse through the intimacy of sex. But God never punishes us--especially not for sin He has forgotten. He won’t hold your past against you if you have repented. He wants you to find your joy in Him and spread that joy through the love you share in your marriage and family. Trust in Scripture. We all sin, all day, every day! (Romans 3:23) Praise Jesus that we can repent and be forgiven!
I am 17 &, over time, my parents’ marriage seems to have gotten worse. My dad talks behind my mom’s back to me & my mom is mad at him because he has been a stay-at-home dad since I was born. My mom is ready for my dad to get a job. I know it is wrong to take sides, but I don’t know what to do. What does the Bible say about this?
They really shouldn’t be putting you in the middle and making you feel like you have to take sides. The Bible says to honor your father and mother, but it also tells them to love each other well and treat you well, which they aren’t doing right now. (Eph. 5: 21- 6:4 and 1 Cor. 13:4-7--ask them to substitute their own name for the word “love.”) Maybe you should ask them to speak to your pastor or a counselor so that they have someone besides you to hear their complaints. We are all sinful and selfish, and sometimes we feel unappreciated and let the resentment of that build and build until it pours out in anger, and we can’t see past it. Anger usually stems from self-righteousness, but we don’t have any right to feel self-righteous because we all sin against each other all the time. Our selfishness makes us point the finger at others instead of ourselves. If they are unwilling to go to counseling, gently remind them that you are not a counselor, and you love them both and don’t want to hear either of them speak unkindly about the other. If their selfish behavior continues to pull them apart, remember that it is not your fault. It is not your responsibility to fix them. Do pray for them, though, because they have lost their way. They have stopped putting God first, and they have stopped loving each other as much as they love themselves
After you forgive a person/persons who have hurt you, is it wrong to still have hurt feelings or even sometimes anger? Or are we supposed to forgive & forget & move on as if nothing happened?
We are supposed to forgive and forget like God does, but we are not God, we are human, and that is almost impossible for us. It’s a goal. And we are called to work toward it, but it takes a lot of time for hurt feelings to be healed. The Lord’s Prayer says, “forgive us our sin, as we forgive those who sin against us.” Yikes. If God forgives me like I forgive others, then I’m in big trouble. Thankfully, we have a Savior that paid the price for our sins--all our sins. And He stands in the gap between God forgiving us, and our ability to forgive others--or lack thereof. God looks on us, and sees Christ’s righteousness, not our sin. Let your pain draw you closer to God and His unfailing love. And let your heart be softened to the person that hurt you, because you have been forgiven when you didn’t deserve it either.
How do I deal with hurt from my church? A lot happened & I was hurt so deeply that I ended up leaving. I felt God calling me elsewhere, but I’m having a hard time healing from the damage that was done. Also, how do I stay encouraged while church hunting? It seems every place I try is not right for me.
I’m so sorry that you’ve been hurt. Church families are made of sinners. We don’t always treat people the way we should. It’s hard for me to advise you since I don’t know the issue and if your church responded Biblically, but I’m assuming it was a personal conflict and not an issue of theology. Moving forward, even though you were hurt, you should first acknowledge your part in the dispute and lay that before God. Seek the Holy Spirit’s discernment as to whether you owe anyone an apology. Then, since you have been forgiven, you have to forgive them. We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Next, try going online as you hunt for a new church. Lots of churches have great websites that list all of the programs and ministries and Bible studies they offer as well as podcasts and sermon recordings for you to listen to and discover if they have sound teaching. I recommend the PCA church because they teach Reformed theology which is biblically sound. (To get a sense of what they believe, look at The Shorter Catechism of The Westminster Confession of Faith.) Sometimes, PCA churches can be a little stiff, though. If that’s not your style, there are a lot of other great options! Look for ones that offer classes about the church and what they believe, so you don’t join without knowing. You could even attend a Bible study at a church before you start attending their worship, so that you know some people before you start. I pray that you will find the right fit!
So, this past year I have cut out some people & habits that did not help with my relationship with God. I have been trying to make some friends at my church but it seems hard. Sometimes it feels as I have no one around except myself. How do I get rid of this feeling & make new friends?
It is good to cut toxic people out of our lives, but sometimes it leaves us lonely. God created us to crave relationship because He wanted us to have a relationship with Him and with other believers. The best way to make new friends is to put yourself out there and keep trying. Invite several people over to watch a movie or have pizza and game night. Invite one or two out for coffee or a milkshake (whatever you both like). Participate in all the activities your church offers so you can meet more people. Unfortunately, people that already have friends aren’t always willing to admit more into their social groups. Hopefully, Christians will be more inclusive and inviting and willing to make new friends. We will be praying for you.
Recently, I have found myself falling for another girl. How do I overcome this feeling & push this sin away?
That’s a difficult place to be and unfortunately is becoming more and more common in this world. I’m so proud of you for acknowledging that this is not what God wants for you. We’ve had this question before. Please read our answer here and also our answer a few weeks ago to someone who has given in to this here.
Why did God bless me with four absolutely physically beautiful daughters? All of them I have hurt to the point that I feel they will never recover from the mental anguish I have put them through. I love them all & I know that God loves us all & has forgiven me. But I think my daughters' PTSD from all of life's hurts, hang-ups & habits may have led them to accept Jesus? My eldest daughter, who I gave birth to at the age of 15 & was forced to give up for adoption & is now 40, was adopted by a Christian couple who divorced when she was two. What can I say? Why did God let my daughter suffer from this pain? Abandoned so she thought, rejected & raised by her & she asked to meet me for her 16th birthday...To only have me fail miserably when given another chance with her??
Praise God that you have accepted Christ and turned your life around. The hardest thing for us to accept as Christians is that we don’t get to know WHY. God has a plan and He knows what we must go through in order to come to know Him and love Him more fully. Some people have to walk through more valleys than others. We may never know why. Sometimes we can look back and see how God worked through difficult circumstances to change our hearts. Now that you are a Christian, all you can do for your girls is pray for them, ask for their forgiveness, and ask for a chance to show them that you’ve been changed by God. Seeing that change in you may draw them to be curious about God too. But only the Holy Spirit can change their hearts, so you just have to shine His light so bright that they want to know Him and will seek Him.
I’m very sensitive & observant & I hate it. I notice every single thing, like the lack of excitement between a friend. My best friend is kind of dry & her opinions affect my confidence. I feel like I can’t be myself when I'm with her, as if she dominates me. Also, she kind of says rude comments to me. I know she says it to just bring out a laugh but I don’t think she notices she hurts my feelings. I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive, & I also don’t know what to say or do about that. I have this trait of tolerating everything & I don’t like exploding on people no matter how mad I get. How would God help me?
Growing in your relationship with God through prayer and Bible study might give you the confidence you need to keep others from trying to control you. Being secure in the knowledge that you are God’s chosen, that He loved you enough to die for you, in place of you, so that now you can have eternal life, can also help you remember that this sinful world is just a temporary stop for us. Our true home is heaven. When Jesus told the rich man to sell all he had and give the money to the poor and “follow me,” he was trying to make a point about how much we love this world and all of its things. (Luke 18:22) When you are being overly sensitive, that is caring too much about what other people think. We all care about that, even if we don’t admit it. But if you are trying to love others as much as you love yourself and glorify God in all you do, then anything mean that someone says to you is easier to let go because you know that she is not following God’s command to love you and therefore you don’t have to listen to her. That doesn’t mean it won’t hurt to hear mean things. But keeping a more Godly perspective definitely helps. And it’s okay to tell your friend when she hurts you. Maybe after one of her jokes say, “Ouch.” That would keep it in the spirit of joking, but also let her know she crossed a line. Hopefully, she’ll come to see that she isn’t being very kind. If not, you may need to be more blunt. If that still doesn’t work, you may need to find some more friends who also want to put God first in their hearts and love others well.
Why do girls turn on their own friend group?
People are sinful. They are selfish and want to make themselves feel better by saying mean things about others. That is loving themselves more than others and not loving or glorifying God at all. This world is full of the lies that the father of lies whispers to us every chance he gets, puffing us up with pride and self-righteousness and jealousy. It’s hard not to listen. But when we become Christians, we are “born” again. We put off our old self and take on a new life--a new perspective. We are so humbled by Christ’s sacrifice that we didn’t deserve, that we begin to live for Him. We are called to love God with all of our hearts, souls and minds and to love others as much as we love ourselves. We can’t do it perfectly, but we try. Some people haven’t had that heart change yet. They still love themselves more than anything else. If your friends turn on you or talk about you or hurt you in any way, that’s not okay. Maybe it’s time to find some new friends who choose to be kind.