Daughter Dilemmas, Week 40

Welcome to week forty of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

How can I study the Bible? I want to start studying it but don’t know how to. Any advice?

The Bible is very confusing without help interpreting the original language and the context to truly grasp the meaning. You should join a Bible study group. If you don’t have one at your church, look for Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) and Community Bible Study (CBS) that might meet near you. If not, there are online resources. Jen Wilkin has Bible study downloads with accompanying podcasts under her Resources tabs on her website. There are also wonderful book studies. I love Nancy Guthrie’s series, Seeing Jesus in the Old Testament. There are answers to the questions that you can download from her website too. But it’s so hard to do a study on your own. I recommend getting some friends to join you so that you can meet weekly to discuss and hold each other accountable for doing the questions on your own.  

The church I go to provides informative sermons but lacks ministry. I’ve researched other churches that offer women’s & men’s ministry, young adults, seniors, & others. My church offers the alpha course & small groups that meet in people’s homes. When I asked the ministry director about available Bible studies I was told to start my own. Being a newer Christian, I felt confused by this answer. I feel convicted in my heart that I am meant to be in a church that provides Christian mentors through the ministries offered- which I’m not currently getting. Can you provide any insight on this?

If you’ve done some research and found some other churches with ministries that appeal to you, maybe you should visit these churches to see if one might be a better fit for you. But if you want to stay at the church you currently attend, there is no harm in attending Bible study at a different church. We have several ladies from other churches at our weekly Bible study. There are also non-denominational Bible study groups that meet at various churches. One is Bible Study Fellowship (BSF), another is Community Bible Study (CBS). Bible study is vital to growing in your faith, so keep looking. I hope you find something soon.

I've recently started talking to a Christian who is African American (I'm Caucasian). He is really awesome & I think there's nothing wrong with it & really want to get to know him, but my mom is furious. She thinks I'm settling & that it's not what's best for me. I think the way she thinks is wrong, but I don't want to completely blow her off or do something that breaks her heart. What should I do?

I think the way she thinks is wrong too. The only thing that matters is that he is a Christian. We are all united through faith. Skin color is irrelevant in the eyes of God and it should be in our eyes too. Your mom was raised in a different time, when people were more prejudiced. Unfortunately, we’re in a new time where racism has reared its ugly head again--but I believe a lot of it is manufactured in the media. It’s certainly not my experience, and thankfully, not yours either. I believe in a world where people are judged by their actions, not their skin color or what’s in their wallet. See if your mom would be open to meeting with the both of you, so she can get to know him and see past his race to the content of his character. 

I was in a toxic relationship for 9 months & did not realize it. I am in the same ministry group as him & it’s hard seeing him. I’m still not over him & I want to move on. I pray for him all the time. Many things happened between us, & sex was one of them. I have really tried to get closer to God as a result of it all & it’s been good, but then I start thinking about him & I get sad. Everyone says I have to talk to him but he doesn’t care about my feelings. I want to move on but I don’t really know how to. It breaks my heart. I just want to be happy. It’s been 8 months since we broke up & sometimes I want to give up. A few months ago I had deep depression & wouldn’t eat & I’m thankful for God pulling me out of that place, but I still feel stuck. His family caused me so much harm. I’m learning to forgive but they are trying to act like it’s all my fault. They blame everything on me but God knows the truth.

God does know the truth. He also knows what we need to go through to draw closer to Him. It sounds like this break-up did draw you closer to God. But you are still grieving this relationship. That takes time. Cut yourself some slack. Moving on after a painful break-up is hard, but you’ll get there. You need to forgive him, forgive yourself, and forgive his family before you’ll be able to truly let go of the hold this relationship still has on your heart. Dating is for finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. He is not the one that will cherish you through life’s ups and downs. There is someone out there that is a better fit for you. Someone who can’t wait to see you and doesn’t want to be without you. Someone you don’t want to live without. God’s timing is perfect so trust that He will raise up the right guy at the right time--when your heart is healed and ready. In the meantime, continue to grow in your relationship with God. Join a Bible study and see about switching to a different ministry group.

My foster sister is always blowing up & takes it out on my foster mom & I. She always makes me feel like crap & I know forgiveness needs to happen constantly, but it’s really hard to do time & time again. Can you help me understand how to forgive her over & over again? Because I don’t know how to.

It’s hard to forgive someone that isn’t even repentant and continues to hurt you. Sometimes a little tough love is necessary for someone to see their need to repent and change their behavior. Especially for someone who may have not had any consistent discipline in order to learn self-discipline. Talk to your mom about setting up a system with consequences for outbursts in temper. Maybe a jar that everyone has to put a quarter in when they lose their temper and then put the money in the offering plate each Sunday? Or maybe taking away privileges for outbursts and rewarding apologies and repentant behavior? We all sin all the time and none of us deserve God’s forgiveness, so when we’re dealing with a difficult person, we have to keep that in mind in order to be kind and stay humble. It’s not easy, but you are an example of Christ to this girl who doesn’t know Him. Pray that the Holy Spirit will help you shine the light of Christ through all of your words and actions. Remember that you have no control over her actions, only how you respond to her. 

My boyfriend's mother is very sick. They are both are strong Christians & have faith she will be healed. Do you have any helpful verses & tips for both of them, & me supporting them? At the moment I'm just being present & helping where I can, but it doesn't feel like enough.

I’m sure your support and help are doing a lot more than you realize. Just your presence means a lot. She may be encouraged by your reading the Bible to her or singing hymns with her. Maybe she would enjoy listening to podcasts of sermons with you. God can work miracles. He does every day. I hope in this case there is healing. I know the Bible says that if we have the faith the size of a tiny mustard seed we would be able to move mountains with a word. (Matt. 17:19-21) But God works in mysterious ways. He does things in His own time for His own glory, for His purpose, not ours. So, we have to pray that if it’s His will, then healing will take place and for strength and peace. Some encouraging verses are Jeremiah 17:14; Isaiah 41:10; Phil. 4:19; Psalm 30:2; Psalm 103: 2-4. I pray that God will bless your time with her and your boyfriend as you walk through this time of sickness.

I have an older sister who I really love & I know she loves me too. About a year ago, we weren't that close, but we have gotten a lot closer over the past few months. The problem is that I have recently been noticing how she sometimes uses me to do things for her that I know are wrong. She also makes me do things for her when she could do them herself. I have just started to feel like I can never say no to her because that will make her mad & I'll look like a 'bad Christian'. I don't know if she realizes how she's treating me, but I have just started to feel worthless because of it. I tried to see if Google knows anything about this (yeah, not the wisest thing to do), & I feel like I'm just being manipulated. I know I need to pray for her, but is there any other action I can take to make this stop, for the benefit of us both? Like I said, I'm too scared to tell her anything.

Praying for her is a good start.  But pray for yourself to have courage to stand up to her. She is not behaving in a Christian way by manipulating you. And if she’s asking you to do things that are wrong, that’s not acceptable. You absolutely have to stand up for yourself. Do not let her have this power over you. Next time she asks you to do something that you feel is wrong, say no. Tell her that you have to obey God first. Her relationship with you is not more important than your relationship with God. She may get mad, but hopefully, she’ll start to respect you and your relationship will grow stronger because of it in the long run, even if it causes problems for a short time. 

I am so worried about the future. I am a Christian & so is my fiancé & both of our families. We are surrounded by such wonderful people & I cannot help but go to sleep every night in fear. I’m not even sure what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid of living forever? If that makes sense because obviously, we’re not sure what that’s like or anything. Am I crazy for feeling like this? I feel like if I got to know God better then I would have less fear because I would understand His promises, but I don’t know where to start.

What you’re describing sounds like a very real anxiety disorder. Which could be a chemical imbalance in your brain and not a spiritual issue at all. Try CBD oil and passionflower first. Then, try counseling. Talking about your fears is so healing. Bible study does help tremendously because that’s how God talks to us. Did you know that the words, “Do not fear” (or a variation) are in the Bible 365 times? One for each day of the year. And 2 Tim. 1:7 reminds us that we are not given a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and self-discipline. God’s Word helps us put everything in perspective. It helps us see the big picture. Everything in this world is temporary. God is eternal. Our relationship with Him is the most important thing for us to “worry” about it. Eternal life is the ultimate gift we receive when we accept Jesus as our Savior. It sounds terrifying to most people. Not like a gift at all. But that’s because we’re human. We can’t wrap our tiny brains around it. When we die, all of that limited human thinking will be gone. We will glory in the presence of our Father. And when He comes again to bring heaven to Earth, we will never know fear or pain or sadness again. (Rev. 21:4) Living forever in this world? A nightmare. Living forever with brand new resurrected bodies in a world with no sin, where the lamb sleeps next to the lion and a little child will play with them? Paradise. (Isaiah 11:6-9) It will be far more wonderful than the Garden of Eden. Nancy Guthrie has a study about it called, Even Better Than Eden. Maybe working through that could put some of your fears about eternal life to rest.    

Every time I ask my friends or mentors if they want to get together, they say “I’m busy.” I’ve been rejected a lot in my life & battle mental health issues (including severe suicidal thoughts), so these brush-offs really bother me. I also am a 20-year-old with only a high school diploma & a vague idea of what I want to do in the future. I feel unsuccessful & stuck in my current job. How do I change these things in my life?

Identifying the problem is half the battle when you feel stuck, and you’ve just done that. As far as relationships, people that have mental health issues can be a little overwhelming sometimes to their friends. It doesn’t mean that your friends don’t love you, or don’t want to spend any time with you, it just means they may need better boundaries. I know it hurts to get “brushed off.” Try asking to get together to do specific things like dinner, coffee, or a movie. Or, ask more than one friend so that they feel less intimidated. Regarding your career, it’s perfectly normal to not be sure of career goals at your age. Try getting a job that has career potential. Like, a store clerk, move up to management, then move into a corporate position. I had a friend who worked as a secretary at a law firm and they paid for her to get paralegal training. Or go online and see what type of training at a two-year college appeals to you. There are so many options! A lot of states pay for two-year colleges or offer great scholarships. I’m the kind of person that has to have a goal to work toward. Maybe you are too, and finding that goal can give you the motivation you need to change directions. Just remember, the most important goal: growing in your relationship with God. Sometimes, we let our lives in this world come first. This world is temporary. God is eternal. Joining a Bible study and attending church regularly sure can help us keep that in perspective.

I suffer from depression & self-harm, I'm trying to find my way & keep my faith. I constantly fail at stopping myself from self-harming, no matter how bad I know it is. How can I ask forgiveness for something I know I might not be able to stop soon?

Repeatedly going back to the same sin doesn’t make you a failure, it means you need help. Self-harm is an addiction like any other, and it is almost impossible to quit any addiction on your own. Please get counseling. Here is a link to a hotline you can call or text to talk to someone that can help you right away: https://www.crisistextline.org/selfharm You are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God. He loves you so much and doesn’t want you to be in pain. And as much as I want to say, find your joy in your relationship with God instead of your self-harm habit, I know that those words are empty to someone who is struggling to find joy at all. Please get help. Take it one day, one hour at a time. Share your problem with a trusted friend that you can call when you’re tempted, who can hold you accountable. Pray to remind yourself that you are not alone. God is with us, even in the valleys. We will be praying for you.