Daughter Dilemmas, Week 41

Welcome to week forty-one of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

I’ve been “talking” to a guy who I share a mutual friend with for about 8 months now. We don’t attend the same college, but our interactions in person have gone really well & I can see so many great qualities in him. Recently, we’ve talked about him coming to visit & the possibility of progressing in our friendship. I really want to pursue this relationship & I know he does too, but our schedules have made it so hard to even start.

How can I know if this is someone that God has placed in my life for a dating relationship? Should the difficulty of arranging our schedules be a sign that this isn’t something meant to happen now or ever?

Everyone in our lives was put there by God. If you and this guy are on the same page spiritually, and you have a great rapport, and after spending more time with him, you find that you don’t want to picture a future without him, then he is definitely the one and totally worth the trouble of arranging schedules. He has to feel the same way, though. You deserve someone who can’t wait to see you and doesn’t want to leave you and will not just schedule you into his life but schedule his life around you. He deserves that too, from you. That’s how you know. God puts lots of great choices in our lives, lots of great people. It’s up to us to discern if the relationship is worth digging in and committing to. Looking for signs is not really a spiritually sound way to approach it. Looking back, we can often see God’s hand in things, but we aren’t meant to take everything that happens as some sort of prophetic word from God. Pray about it and trust that the Holy Spirit will give you discernment.

I am struggling with guilt & shame over my past sins. I have repented & asked God for forgiveness but I can’t seem to let go of the shame I feel regarding these sins. I guess I need to forgive myself & let it go. I know God forgives us when we sincerely repent & removes our sins as far as the east is from the west from us to be remembered no more. Do you have any advice on how I can rid myself of this never-ending shame I feel?

Forgiving ourselves is a lot harder than asking God to forgive us. Forgetting is even harder. One way to look at it is to remember that you are a new person in Christ. God already knew the choices you were going to make, the sins you were going to choose, but Jesus loved you so much that He went to the cross for you anyway. God knew what you needed to go through in order to repent and draw closer to Him. Think of the powerful testimony you have. The more grievous our sins, the more beautiful His grace is to us. Maybe sharing your shame with others who feel too shameful to be loved by God, people who have no hope because they don’t understand God’s mercy like you do, would help you find a way to change your shame from a chain around your neck into a light for others.  

My husband & I recently separated. I came home one night & he told me he no longer loved me & was having an affair. I filed for divorce in a different county to prevent the bias that may come from a court in the county we lived in. It’s not what I want & I’ve offered to try to take steps to fix our marriage but he doesn’t want to. Is it wrong to divorce my husband? Will God still bless my life if my marriage ends & I move on and find another spouse someday? I feel so conflicted. I’m hurt & sad & don’t know if I could ever trust him, but also want to know I gave my marriage everything I had. I’m so lost.

I’m so sorry. God absolutely will still bless you and keep you and love you. The Bible says that divorce is acceptable in cases of abandonment. When someone refuses to reconcile, that’s abandonment. You can’t take responsibility for his sin. Now comes the hard part of grieving this relationship, forgiving him, and moving on without holding on to the pain and bitterness you feel from his betrayal. Pray for him. He’s the one that is truly lost. You have a Savior that loved you so much that he died for you. He is holding you now. Rest in that. Remember, He never said our lives would be easy--just the opposite--He just promised to be with us. Fix your eyes on the joy of your salvation, so that you can keep putting one foot in front of the other as you walk through this valley. Speak to your pastor and get some Godly counsel as well. We’re praying for you, sweet sister.

I’m a 16-year-old with Aspergers & the only one in my family who is a Christian. Life at home is really hard, & I find that I’m always being made fun of for my appearance, the way I act socially, & the struggles I have because of my Aspergers. My sisters mock me for my faith & for choosing not to party or have premarital sex. My parents are constantly fighting & arguing with everyone & I just can’t take it. It makes me so angry but I know that’s not how I should act. How do I deal with this & stay strong in my faith during these tough times? I don’t really have anyone to talk to about my faith anymore either. I used to be close to my youth director & she helped me through difficult times, but when I was struggling with my mental health for a long time, she got overwhelmed & gave up on me. I just have no encouragement in my life anymore & my family is making everything worse. I’m just struggling to see God through all of this I guess.

I’m so sorry. The fact that you have remained faithful when faced with that kind of discouragement is only by the grace of God. He is with you. He loved you enough to die for your sins so that you will have eternal life. Let that be the knot that you tie in your rope, so you can hang on during this difficult time. Don’t let their teasing make you angry. Pity them and pray for them. They are lost. Ask your pastor if there is another woman in the church that could be a mentor to you. And definitely seek out an Asperger’s support group. Here’s a link to an article about finding one:  https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/aspergers/how-to-find-an-aspergers-support-group/. Or seek out a Christian counselor/therapist who may be able to work with you and put you in touch with a support group for Christian teens. We all need encouragement in our walk of faith. To feel isolated and constantly discouraged is draining. Especially when this world is constantly pulling us away from God too. I’m currently studying the life of Joseph. His brothers tried to kill him and then sold him as a slave. He was wrongly accused and thrown in prison. Through all that, he never despaired. Why? He kept his eyes on the big picture. He knew God had given him a promise in the dreams he’d been given. He knew God was with him. Well, God has given you a promise too. You are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. He will work all things for His glory and your good. (Romans 8:28) He will give you strength and peace even as you walk through this valley. And He will be with you. (Phil. 4:6-7; Isaiah 41:10; 2 Tim. 1:7; Psalm 23; Jeremiah 29:11; Gal. 6:9; Joshua 1:9) Maybe you can write some of these verses out and put them where you’ll see them every day so you can keep your eyes fixed on what’s truly important to help you stand strong in the face of the waves of discouragement you walk through every day. We’ll be praying for you.

I suffer from OCD & therefore intrusive thoughts. It all started when I heard someone say something bad about God & I got so much anxiety because I love Him so much, but ever since then all the things I read come like intrusive thoughts whenever I want to praise God & Jesus & they are not from me! I’ve gotten depressed because I would never say those things & it’s because my mind suffers from OCD, does God know that I would never willfully say these things & it’s because I’ve heard other people say them that they come into my mind. The things I’m most afraid of ever saying & I would never say try to come into my mind but I don’t want them! I love My Jesus so much, He changed me.

God knows your heart. He knows the thoughts that are truly yours, so never worry about that. But you should worry that these intrusive thoughts are becoming too much for you. Please see a counselor as soon as you can. There are wonderful therapies and medications that can help your brain process things better and keep you from the anxiety and depression that you are suffering from. If you are already on medication, it’s possible that you need to try something different or adjust your dosage. Sometimes, we have sensitivities to certain medications that cause side effects like intrusive thoughts and it’s really important to tell your doctor what you’re feeling. God loves you and wants you to live your best life so that you can shine His light into this dark world. You can’t do that until your brain is functioning properly. Please seek help. We’ll be praying for you. 

My boyfriend & I have been in a long-distance relationship for a little over 1.5 years. Just this past week, we were able to meet & spend some time together in person. However, when we were alone things between us got a little too touchy & I felt shame & guilt afterward. He was very understanding & respectful, we just learned that we need to communicate where our boundaries are. We'll be together again in a couple of months but I don't want this to happen again. How can I resist the temptation? How far is too far? I've been confused about this topic for quite some time. I question if it would be wrong to get into certain situations because we know we love one another & are committed to one another. We hope to get married someday but in the meantime, how do we deal with sexual temptation & not falling into it?

Your virginity is a precious wedding gift for your spouse in the eyes of God. The world doesn’t see it that way, and pushes an agenda of sex at us all the time. It’s practically a religion in itself to some people. Others wrap their whole identity around it. What is meant to be a precious, intimate part of your marriage relationship has been perverted to be just a means of short term pleasure. People who have lots of sexual partners before marriage don’t bond as well with their spouse, plus they run the risk of bringing STDs to the marriage. But what about loving, committed, monogamous relationships that are hoping to marry someday? How can that be wrong? That’s really what you’re asking. It’s not wrong in the eyes of the world, but the Bible is very clear that it is sin. The words “sexual sin” or “sexually immoral” in the new translations are translated “fornication” in the KJV. Fornication is sex outside of a marriage commitment. When we read sexually immoral, we think, well, that’s not immoral to have sex with someone I love. But it’s saying that it is sexually immoral to have sex outside of marriage because it is a sin. (1 Cor. 6:9-10; Eph. 5:3; Gal. 5:19-21; Col. 3:5) I’m sure there are other sexual sins that are way more immoral in our eyes, but God doesn’t grade sin on a scale. Sin is sin. A lie, stealing, murder, they’re all sin. Sins that Jesus paid for. Sins that can be forgiven if we repent--because of Jesus. We all struggle with sin, all day, every day. And sexual temptation is so difficult to avoid in this world. Setting boundaries is good. But those will often be cast aside in the heat of the moment. So, in order to truly abstain, you may have to not allow yourselves to be in intimate situations that are going to lead to making out. And definitely don’t watch “R” rated movies together. What you pour in is what your pour out. Love each other enough to make sex the wedding gift you give to each other. You have the rest of your lives--after marriage--to have all the sex you want to have. Look at the big picture. Love God enough to not want to sin against Him in this way. Read 1 Thess. 4:2-8. Replace “Gentiles” with “world.” God has not called you to impurity, but holiness. We are to glorify Him in all we do. Loving each other is not a good enough excuse to sin. Strive to love God with all your heart, mind and soul and you will find it easier to resist sin. 

I used to feel very close to God but now I feel very burnt out & distant. What to do?

When we feel distant from God, it’s not because He moved away from us, it’s because we moved away from Him. Look closely at your life and the way you spend your time. What are you pouring into your spirit? What we pour in is what eventually overflows from us. This world is full of very entertaining things but a lot of it is dark and dismal and depressing. The rest is sexual or hateful or completely disengaged from reality. If you really want to draw closer to God then find a good Bible study group, start and end your day with prayer, attend worship where you are receiving good Gospel-centered teaching that takes time to repent and confess sin corporately and privately as well as singing God’s praises, listen to Christian music and podcasts of sermons and Moody radio. Turn off the TV. Put down that book full of meaningless sex. Pour in light and fix your eyes on Jesus--who for the sake of your salvation, endured the cross--His love is eternal. This world is temporary. 

About a year ago I met my ex at a friend's wedding & the moment I saw him, I knew he was going to be my husband. I waited to say anything until he expressed the same desire. On our second date, he told me when he looked at me he saw his wife. After a year of pouring into him, loving/supporting him, moving to his city, going to his church, & getting a new job, he broke up with me. We had been struggling sexually & I finally felt the power to make it all stop. After trying to get us to look back to God for an extended period of time, he ended things very shortly after I told him he no longer had consent until we were married. I know there are boundaries I didn't keep between our lives & in our intimate relationship. I have learned my lessons about keeping up those walls in a healthy way to not lose sight of myself & of God. I know he isn't someone I would want to be married to right now, but I can't shake the desire to have him in my life. He was my best friend & I had mentally, physically and emotionally committed to him as a wife. I know he needs to mature. But I just can't let it go. I feel like God is going to restore the relationship. But I know until that may or may not happen, I need to move forward like it is not going to. I haven't talked to him in almost 2 months. I just can't shake the desire to walk through life with him. How do I let it go? I've tried to release it to God but it just keeps creeping back in.

Love and commitment like that require a time of grieving to get over. Cut yourself some slack. Of course, you miss him. You’ve imagined a future with him for a long time. But you were right to set some boundaries and not continue in “sexual sin” (any sex outside of marriage). That doesn’t glorify God. The fact that he won’t acknowledge that, shows that his relationship with God is not what it should be. He’s letting his desire take precedence over his love for God and for you. You can pray that the Holy Spirit will work in his heart and show him this truth, but the Bible says, “You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all of your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13, ESV). That’s the problem with unrepentant sin. If we don’t see it as sin, we aren’t going to seek forgiveness or God’s leading. Give yourself time to grieve this relationship. God will raise up someone at the right time that will be an even better match for you. (You’re right in thinking it could be your changed ex--but don’t put your hope in that--because hoping for that is what is keeping you from letting go.) In the meantime, grow in your relationship with God, remembering that true joy can only be found in Him and not in our earthly relationships or circumstances.

Why does God allow people to be born if He foreknew that they would not choose to believe in Him & perish in hell? If it’s for the sake of the salvation of others but not that person, then isn’t it very unfair?

That is the question that has plagued believers since the beginning of time. The thing is, we don’t have the ability to truly understand God. We can’t see the big picture. We are like a worm in comparison to Him. So, asking “why” serves no purpose other than to frustrate. But, is it fair? That’s a question I can answer. No. It’s not fair. And we wouldn’t want it to be. Because if everything was fair, then Jesus wouldn’t have suffered so horribly, died and experienced complete separation from God in hell, so that He could defeat death and rise again. I deserve to go to hell. There is no one righteous, not one. (Romans 3:10) We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23) God’s standard is perfection. He is so very holy. We are so very sinful. But He loved us so much and wanted to have a relationship with us. (Again, why? We don’t know.) So, He made a way through sacrifice. At first, it was animal sacrifice, so His people would understand that there was a price. But that was just a temporary fix to point to the one and only sacrifice that could ever be good enough. Jesus left heaven and took on a pitiful human body. He lived a perfect life, without sin. And His life was given in exchange for mine. It wasn’t fair. But now, because I have accepted Christ as my Savior and the Holy Spirit has changed my heart and given me true understanding, when I face God at my death or Judgment Day, my sins are covered by the blood of Christ. He will look at me and see Christ’s righteousness. I deserve hell, but I get heaven. And that’s not fair, that’s grace, amazing grace. So, now I have to love others enough to share this truth with them whenever and wherever I can and hope that they will seek God’s saving mercy and abundant grace too. I don’t know “why” God chose me. I’m just thankful He didn’t base it on fairness.

I sent my ugly picture to my boyfriend but his reaction is beyond my expectation. I expect that he would say something nice but it wasn't the same as my expectations. What should I do?

Why would you do that? It seems manipulative, like you were fishing for a particular response. You’ve acknowledged that the picture was not flattering, why would you expect him to say otherwise? Who you are is more important than what you look like. And yes, if he loves you, he should try to spare your feelings and not tease you or say mean things about the picture. But if you told him you thought it was ugly and he’s just agreeing with you, isn’t he just being honest? And don’t you want him to be honest? I think you need to look closer at your motivation than his reaction. Our vanity can often lead us to sin. You are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of our Heavenly Father. Sometimes, we forget that. Sometimes, we want our relationships to build us up and make us feel better about ourselves. That’s not what boyfriends are for. A true love relationship is meant to be a tiny example of the way God loves us. Read 1 Cor. 13:4-7 and substitute your own name for the word “love” and “she” for “it.” Then read it again and substitute your boyfriend’s name. That’s what we should be striving for in our relationships. God is love. He is all those things. We are supposed to get our strength and our sense of self-worth from our trust in Him and through our relationship with Him--not with other humans. Maybe you’re the one that owes him an apology in this situation.

Can anyone be saved? I’ve been seeing stuff about predestination & it makes me worried that I’m not one of them despite my love for God.

Predestination is a tough topic for any believer to wrap their heads around. So, consider it like this: We were all created with this God-shaped hole inside us. We have the free will to fill that hole with whatever we want. (And boy, don’t we?) God makes Himself known to everyone through creation. Because He is omniscient, He knows every thought before we even have it. So, He already knows those of us that are going to be predisposed to seek Him. Those are His chosen and He will keep after us to strengthen our resolve to seek Him. “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13). When, in our own free will, we finally choose to fill that God-shaped hole with Him, that’s when He sends his Holy Spirit to radically change our heart and make us new, knowing full well we were going to choose that path. Like the Trinity, it’s mysterious and complicated and truly beyond our human brains to understand it. So, the answer to your question is yes and no. Anyone can be saved that seeks it. If you love the LORD but are unsure of your salvation, then maybe the Holy Spirit hasn’t changed your heart yet. Pray that He will open your eyes to the truth of salvation: that we are all sinners deserving of hell, but God sent His Son to take on a human body and live a perfect life so he could be the perfect sacrifice once and for all for all of our sins, and then defeat death by rising again, so that we can have eternal life in heaven. If you already have the deep assurance of your undeserved salvation that comes with that Holy Spirit change of heart, then stop worrying and rejoice in your love for God and all of his mysterious ways. Theology is a way for us to try and understand, but our loving Him with all of our hearts, souls and minds and glorifying Him in all we do is what we are called to do. You can do that whether you understand the theology behind predestination or not.