Daughter Dilemmas, Week 42
Welcome to week forty-two of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.
I’m trying to get closer to God but reading the Bible makes me confused. Help!
The Bible is very confusing without help interpreting the original language and the context to truly grasp the meaning. You should join a Bible study group. If you don’t have one at your church, look for Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) and Community Bible Study (CBS) that might meet near you. If not, there are online resources. Jen Wilkin has Bible study downloads with accompanying podcasts under her Resources tabs on her website. There are also wonderful book studies. I love Nancy Guthrie’s series, Seeing Jesus in the Old Testament. There are answers to the questions that you can download from her website too. But it’s so hard to do a study on your own. I recommend getting some friends to join you so that you can meet weekly to discuss and hold each other accountable for doing the questions on your own.
How far is too far when it comes to physical intimacy with a boyfriend? Where do we set the boundary?
That is a personal decision. You have to decide what is the point of no return, and that is different for everyone. But I will say this: all physical intimacy is sex even if there is no actual intercourse. We can lie to ourselves that it’s okay to get naked with someone or have oral sex because we aren’t going “all the way” but it’s the intimacy that is the issue, so those activities are really sex, too. That kind of intimacy should be reserved for marriage. You don’t want past sexual experiences to intrude on your thoughts when you’re with the one that you’ve committed to love, honor, and cherish for life. Scripture tells us that sex outside of marriage--called fornication in some translations and sexual sin or sexual immorality in others--is sinful. We are called to glorify God in all that we do. We certainly aren’t doing that by sinning in this way. This culture is a lot like the serpent whispering in Eve’s ear that it’s not really sin and that couldn’t possibly be what God meant when He called it sin. It is sin. Don’t lie to yourself. Keep yourself pure. Reflect on these verses: Phil. 4:8; 1 Cor. 10:13; 2 Tim. 1:7; 1 Cor. 6:18-20; Galatians 5: 16-26. Maybe they can help you avoid temptation.
Most of the time, my mom & sister are very impatient. I try to be nice, but sometimes I just cannot handle them. I pray to God constantly, asking that He would soften & humble their hearts, but I have seen no change. What should I do?
All you can do is pray for your mom and sister. Only God can change their hearts. It sounds like they are not putting God first or trying to love others as much as they love themselves. Try to love them anyway. But that doesn’t mean you have to put up with any abuse. Don’t let them hurt you. It’s okay to stand up for yourself as long as you don’t allow yourself to lose your temper so that you are hurting them too. Regarding your church, the Anglican church is based on reformed theology which is very sound doctrine based on the Bible. It may be that your parents are concerned that another church may not have sound teaching. I don’t know where you live, but other churches that are Reformed are: Presbyterian (in America the PCA not the PCUSA), Primitive Baptist or Reformed Baptist, The United Church of Christ, The Christian Reformed Church, and The Protestant Reformed Church. So, there aren’t a lot. There are also non-denominational churches that sometimes have reformed teaching. Ask if they follow/say the Nicene Creed. Also, ask if they use The Westminster Confession of Faith. That’s usually an indication of Reformed theology. It is important to meet regularly with other believers, so I hope your family can find a new church. I will be praying for you all.
How can I know if I am ready for a relationship? In your opinion, are there any "criteria" I should meet before I start looking to date?
Dating is the way we find the one we want to marry. So, it stands to reason that we shouldn’t date until we are ready to marry. I always recommend that before you start dating, you make a list of the qualities you desire in a husband. Obviously, there needs to be physical attraction and sexual chemistry--that’s a given. So, don’t put things like tall and handsome on the list--you’re perfect guy may be short and only attractive once you get to know him. I’m talking about character traits: Godly, respectful of others, strong work ethic, great sense of humor---things like that. And when you go out a few times with someone and find that he doesn’t have those traits, don’t continue to date him. He’s not the one. You shouldn’t lower your standards--even if he’s smoking hot. Another thing to not worry about is if you have things in common. You want to have a similar worldview and be on the same page about spiritual things, and you need to have a similar sense of humor, but my husband and I are complete opposites when it comes to things we like to do, and we’ve been happily married for thirty-three years. Because the most important thing in a relationship is to put God first and to glorify Him in all you do. Too many times people expect the person they marry to be their source of joy. But true joy can only come from our relationship with God, and if we put that on other people, they will only disappoint us. Strong marriages recognize that.
What do you do if you are struggling with temptation- such as listening to unholy music & drinking a glass of alcohol occasionally?
It is difficult to keep our eyes focused on God when there are so many entertaining things in this world. The important thing to do is find balance. Nowhere in Scripture does it say we cannot have an occasional drink. It does say that it is sinful to get drunk. Scripture doesn’t say we can’t listen to “unholy” music. But it does encourage us to keep focused on things that are pure, so that we don’t forget our purpose. We are to glorify God in all that we do. Some churches have rules that go beyond Scripture in order to encourage a mindset of setting yourself apart from the world. But Scripture is the real authority and it allows these things in moderation. (Col. 2:20-23) There is no moderation in some thngs, like, sex outside of marriage, or watching porn. But the Bible says that wine gladdens the heart. It also says to avoid drunkenness--so there are things that are not sinful if done with self-control and moderation. What we pour in, is what pours out. So, if we listen to music that promotes sinful things and ways of thinking, it’s going to be a lot harder to resist engaging in that sin. We can’t shine God’s light in this dark world if our own light is barely flickering. We can’t let the devil get a foothold in our hearts because then we grow callused to sin in general and eventually stop calling it sin. You are right to be cautious, we should hold ourselves to a higher standard than non-Christians, but if you hold yourself to too high a standard, you won’t be able to be in this world at all. And the world needs your light. Here are some passages about that: John 15:19; 1 John 2:15-17; Romans 12:1-2; 1 Peter 2:11-12; Matt. 5:13-16.
I’ve recently been going through a breakup with someone I thought was the one that God had placed in my life for me to marry. They said they needed time to figure themselves out on their own. How do I know if I should let go & move forward or wait for them to figure out themselves?
Anyone that doesn’t find that they long to be with you and doesn’t want to picture a future without you, is not the guy you want to marry. It’s hard to let go when you thought he was the one, but the feeling will be mutual when it’s right. God will raise up that person and you should never settle for anything less than that. “Figuring himself out” may be code for “figuring out what I want in a girlfriend/spouse,” which also means he’s unsure that is you. He should be sure. He would be sure, if he was the one. I know it’s painful, but hang in there. God’s timing is perfect, and you’ll be shaking your head at your past self when you meet the real one.
Sometimes I feel very lonely in my church because it is very liberal (like every other in town). I do have some "Christian" friends, but I can't even talk to them about prayer requests or something like that. It's very difficult for me because I desire a deep relationship with God & I love to spend my free time reading the Bible and worshipping, which is not normal for my friends. The only ones I can talk to are my parents (and I am so grateful for their patience and love!), but it's not the same as talking to another teenage girl. Sometimes I wonder if I should move to the USA after college because it always seems like there are way more active Christian communities in churches compared to here in Europe. Do you think it's a good idea to "escape" from here or should I see my situation as a challenge for life?
Considering the challenges you are faced with every day and how well you have managed to continue in faith and put God first, I am convinced that you would be fine to stay. But, it is so hard when you don’t have a Christian community and you do need to be fed spiritually. Is it possible for you to attend a Christian college? Or at least attend a college that has a thriving campus ministry like Agape Europe or Every Nation Europe. Or maybe you could look into signing up to do a semester abroad and come to the U.S. short term as a trial run. Have you thought about going into mission work? (Mission to the World, Samaritan’s Purse, and World Witness are evangelical ministries that come to mind.) There may be tiny missionary churches that are meeting in someone’s home that you aren’t aware of in your area that have been put there by one of those ministries. You could try a short term mission trip. Maybe one of the churches in your area has a heart for missions and that could lead you to a new group of believers to worship with. You are right to be seeking something better. You need to be fed. Thankfully, the internet is full of amazing resources, like sermon podcasts and Bible studies. But that doesn’t offer the community you need. Do some research and see if you can find something better than the liberal churches nearby. I hope I’ve given you a place to start.
Why is it that I cannot seem to fall in love? I’m glad God has been protecting me from many relationships because there have been many guys whom I was genuinely interested in but lost all my interest when I discovered they liked me back. Thus, a relationship never happened. I am turning 21 & I want to stay pure for the right one from God, but I wonder if I’ll ever have the capacity to love another human man.
It’s hard for me to answer this question since I don’t know your background. My guess is that you haven’t had a lot of examples of strong, loving marriages in your life. It’s okay to be practical and to have standards and to not settle for less than you deserve. And you deserve to have someone that you long to be with and can’t imagine a future without. Someone that feels that way about you too. But if you’re struggling to make connections with people and feeling like you aren’t capable of love, then I strongly urge you to seek counseling. I suspect there are some underlying issues--that maybe you aren’t even aware of--that you need to resolve before you can put yourself out there and love. You are truly and deeply loved by God. I’m not saying there is something wrong with you. You are definitely lovable and capable of loving someone. I just think that if you are worried, it’s possible, there are some reasons for that and a therapist or counselor or pastor or even a mentor might be able to help you talk through those worries to help you gain some perspective. Twenty-one seems old to you, but really young to me. You still have plenty of time. And as you wait, grow in your relationship with God through Bible study and prayer. When you truly examine how much our Father loves you, it helps put life in better perspective too.
How can I get closer to God? How can I start having a deep relationship with Him? I don’t feel anything when I’m at church but I want to start feeling God's presence again. I want to feel His Holy Spirit move & change me. I want a change in my life.
God speaks to us through His word. Are you studying His word? Are you memorizing it? Are you singing songs based on it? God is always with you, but maybe you can’t hear Him or feel Him because you are letting the world block Him out. If you don’t have a Bible study at your church, start one in your home with several friends. Take turns leading the discussion. I highly recommend Nancy Guthrie’s, Seeing Jesus in the Old Testament series. She has an online study guide with the answers to all the questions. And the questions are so good. The teaching chapters are even better. They open your eyes to a whole new way of understanding Jesus and Scripture and God’s plan. You will truly be changed by the reality of the Gospel when you receive this teaching.