Daughter Dilemmas, Week 43

Welcome to week forty-three of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

How do you get over a sin you keep repeating after you’ve asked for forgiveness & promised God that you won’t do it again?

Our promises are so weak. Thank goodness we serve a God who keeps His promises. He has promised to never leave you or forsake you. He has promised to give you strength to accomplish anything you do for His glory. He has promised to never give you more than you can bear. So, in light of that, how do we keep breaking our promises to Him? We are at war with our sin nature. And this world wants us to lose and our sin to win. You have to discover your triggers and avoid them. For example, if the sin is sexual in nature, avoid sexual images in TV and movies and books. What you pour in, is what you pour out. When you are tempted, ask yourself, “Does this glorify God?” then physically remove yourself from the situation. Memorize Scripture to say to yourself like, Phil. 4:8-9; 13 and 1 Thess. 4:3-8. Above all, pray for the Holy Spirit to strengthen your resolve to love God with all your heart and put on the full armor of God to stand against your sin nature.  

This guy I really like just admitted to shoving his ex-girlfriend. From what he's told me, it was an extremely toxic relationship & they just brought out the worst in each other. (She was very controlling & abusive). He's very sweet & doesn't come across as someone who would make it a habit of putting his hands on a woman, but the admission really threw me for a loop & I don't know how to proceed with the relationship. Do I end things, or do I show understanding & continue with him because everyone makes mistakes?

I’m sorry it has taken us so long to respond. I hope that to this point he is still being kind and not being physically abusive. I’m sure it was shocking to hear that he would go to that extreme, but since you weren’t present for the fight that led to this behavior, it’s hard to know whether his actions were justified. Am I saying it’s okay for a man to shove a woman? No. I’m saying that if a woman physically attacks a man, his only recourse is to shove her away and leave the situation before he loses control and strikes back. It’s possible that this was an act of trying to maintain his self-control. It’s also possible that she was not attacking him physically and this was an act of losing control. If that is the case, then he may have some anger management issues that he needs to work on. If you have not seen this side of him in all this time, then it may have been a one time loss of control. If you have noticed aggressive behavior that frightens you--even though it’s aimed at a wall, for example, instead of you--then it’s definitely something I would encourage him to get some counseling for before he acts out again and does something he regrets.

I struggle with worrying. Deep down I know God can do everything, but I still feel afraid. Sometimes, I feel at peace or as if something good will happen, but then the fear returns. I pray & read the Bible, but it keeps happening. What can I do?

Fear and worry are natural when life’s circumstances are scary. Think about Peter. He stepped out of the boat onto the water to walk to Jesus because he was overcome with joy. Suddenly, he noticed the crashing waves and his fear overcame him. He started to sink. It was only when he put his focus back on Jesus that he was able to keep going. That is one of the greatest lessons for us in the Bible. Our circumstances can’t take away our salvation. Our circumstances can’t take away God’s love for us or our eternal life. That is why Paul says from prison in Philippians 4: 12-13, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” He is saying that he draws his strength from his faith and trust in Christ’s saving work on the cross because he knows that is eternal and everything in this world is temporary. Try to hang on to that perspective when worry tries to get the best of you.

My relationship with God has always been unsteady. Sometimes it’s strong & sometimes it’s weak. When things go bad I blame Him instantly. How do I stop pointing fingers?

Everyone wants to blame someone else for difficult circumstances especially when things seem unfair. God is in control and He knows what you need to go through to draw closer to Him--which is one of His goals of your sanctification. The other is to make you more Christ-like. Did Jesus deserve the suffering He did for you on the cross? Of course not. That wasn’t fair. Did Joseph deserve to be beaten and sold by his brothers, then thrown in prison for refusing to sin against Pharaoh? No. But take a page out of Joseph’s book. He was confident that his suffering was purposeful because he trusted God. He was happy to be used to glorify God whether he was a favored son or a slave or in prison. So, instead of trying to blame God, which is self-righteous anger against the most righteous being in the universe, remember that He has a plan. And whether you like it or not, you are called to glorify Him in all you do. “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God” (1 Cor. 10:31). We can’t grow in faith when our eyes are fixed on our circumstances. We have to look up and praise Him for our salvation in every circumstance. 

Hi, I'm in a long distance relationship. My bf is a devoted Christian while I'm a Buddhist. I intend to convert to Christianity & move to his state when we're engaged/married. However, my boyfriend wants me to move over before we're engaged/married so that we can try out staying together & to attend church. He hopes for me to be Christian before we're engaged, but I don't think it's a good idea to stay together before marriage.

It is absolutely inappropriate for you to live together before you get married. Your being in the same city and attending the same church, though, is very important. You shouldn’t get married without knowing each other better. I’m thrilled that you want to convert to Christianity, but conversion is something that comes over time. “You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart,” Jeremiah 29:13. You can study Scripture and what Christians believe, but none of it will resonate with you until the Holy Spirit really moves in your heart and reveals the truth to you. The truth that we are all sinful and unable to save ourselves. Our omniscient and omnipresent holy God sent his son Jesus (part of the Holy Trinity) to take on a human body so that he could die on the cross as a perfect sacrifice to pay the price for all of our sins. Then, he rose from the dead--defeating death--so that we can have eternal life. This eternal life is a gift of grace from God through his Holy Spirit that we can not earn through works. Here is a link to the Shorter Catechism based on The Westminster Confession of Faith that breaks down exactly what Christians believe and gives the Bible references to back up why we believe it:  http://www.westminsterconfession.org/confessional-standards/the-westminster-shorter-catechism.php I hope that the two of you will find the importance of putting God first in your relationship and keeping yourselves pure as you continue to grow in love. We will be praying for your salvation through Christ.

I fight with my mom all the time. I’m not trying to play the victim, but it’s usually started by her. She comes at me first verbally & when I ignore her she starts to get physical, whether it’s a slap across the face or throwing a book or something else at me. I usually end up getting yelled at & feel guilty when I yell back or defend myself because I’m the “child” & it’s “disrespectful.” I’m 23 years old & I moved back in because she had cancer. She’s completely healed now, praise God. But she & my dad do not know Jesus. I went to ministry school & gave up ministry jobs so I could come back & help care for her, but I feel like I’m being taken advantage of & verbally abused. I know that my family is my mission field, but I’m just really confused on what to do in this situation. Should I leave to protect myself or am I being selfish?

You should protect yourself mentally and physically by leaving. If you have the means to do it, you definitely should. You have done all that you can to show God’s love to them. You can continue to be a light and pray for their salvation without living with them and submitting to abuse. You are right that our family is our mission field, but it’s also difficult for our family--especially in a parent/child situation--to have the perspective to hear the truth from each other. You will always be their child, and they aren’t going to see you as an adult who has something valuable to teach them. Even Jesus had trouble preaching/teaching in his own hometown. Don’t feel guilty for doing what is best for you. Maybe living away from them, they can start to see you differently. All you can do is hope and pray for the Holy Spirit to change their hearts. 

Is it wrong to want a career more than marriage as a Christian female teenager?

Absolutely not. God gives everyone different gifts. Just remember to glorify Him in all you do in that career and “He will make your paths straight.”

How do you navigate being a follower of Jesus, working for your church, being devoted & loving it - but being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t know the Lord? He respects my relationship with God & commitment to serving my church, but he can’t lead me in that way. I know I can be a vessel for him to meet Jesus (not missionary dating), but I wonder if it’s something that can last. If it’ll be good for me long term. I don’t want to end it JUST because he doesn’t know Jesus, but that’s obviously important.

We are told not to yoke ourselves to non-believers (2 Cor. 6:14) for the very reason that you stated: it is not good for us. We’ve been called to be in this world but not of it. It’s so much harder to avoid being of it, if the one we love, loves this world and not our Heavenly Father. Why do you think the divorce rate is so high? Non-believers are always going to revert to putting themselves first if the love of Christ is not in them, and they don’t put God first in the relationship. I have seen marriages fall apart over this. Hoping and praying for his heart to change is good, but it’s never going to happen if he doesn’t even desire a relationship with God. Could he want want someday? Sure. But you can’t count on it. It is hard enough to have a successful marriage without God at its head. And what about the example it sets for your children? Don’t be fooled. The heart is deceitful above all things. (Jeremiah 17:9) We will always make excuses to have what we want, but I think you know that it’s better to do what God wants.

I'm harboring bitter & jealous thoughts towards my mother-in-law & sister-in-law. It's affecting my relationship with my husband & above all, with God. What do I do?

I encourage you to seek counseling with your pastor or a Christian counselor. We are called to love others as much as we love ourselves. Bitterness and jealousy eat love for breakfast, and you need to talk out the root cause of these devils to get them out of your system. Don’t let them grow in silence. They can be deadly to your relationships--including your marriage and your walk with God--as you’ve already discovered. When I have those feelings, I try to recall all the times that I’ve done the things or similar things to others that might have made them feel that way. We have all sinned and fall short daily, hourly, minute-to-minute. Or maybe that’s not the problem for you. Maybe you’re comparing yourself, and your self image is so low that you find yourself lacking. If that’s what is driving your jealousy, then please remember who you are. You are a chosen and beloved daughter of the One True King and He delights in you every morning. Read Lamentations 3: 19-26. It always pulls me up from the grip of guilt and reminds me that every morning I get another chance to glorify God in all I do, even if yesterday I failed miserably.   

I was recently dumped by a guy I thought was the one. He was the first strong Christian I’d dated after a long time of using men’s attention & physical intimacy for validation & self-worth following a sexual assault in college. In this most recent relationship, I was finally starting to believe that I am actually worth a guy who respects me enough to not push me further physically but now I’m worried that physical intimacy is the only way I know how to connect with men & won’t ever be able to have a strong connection in a healthy non-sexual relationship.

Please don’t let the failure of this relationship make you doubt your self worth. Once you accepted Christ as your Savior, your old life was gone and your new life began. Don’t use the pain of this heartbreak as an excuse to fall back into old patterns of sin. Remember that sexual intimacy is meant to be a sign and seal of the covenant of marriage in order to help you have a special bond with your spouse. Since you have put on a new self, continue to move forward in a “secondary virginity” remaining pure for the one you marry. Work on your relationship with Christ, through prayer and Bible study so that when the right man comes along, you’ll have your heart in the right place. Know that God loves you perfectly--just the way you are--and aim to glorify Him in all you do. Commit your hopes to Him for when He looks on you, He sees Christ’s righteousness. As far as the east is from the west, that’s how far he has removed your past sins from you. It might be harder for you to connect with men until you fully embrace how perfectly God loves you. Read 1 Cor. 13: 4-7 and replace the word love with God’s name. Then, replace it with your own. You may not be there yet, none of us are, but He is transforming us daily to be more and more Christ-like so that we can shine His light wherever we are. Trust in that and let go of all your self-doubt.