Daughter Dilemmas, Week 44

Welcome to week forty-four of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

I’m dealing with a lot of doubt right now & it’s exhausting- feeling like God is pulling me one way, but then in the front of my mind Satan is telling me that it’s not actually God & that I’m making things up. How can I overcome this?

Pray for the Holy Spirit to come upon you and give you truth and peace. Satan is active in this world, so we have to put on the full armor of God (Eph. 6:10-18) to stand against him. Prayer, Scripture memorization, and especially Bible study are our greatest weapons. The Bible is the truth. Combat those thoughts with Scripture which constantly reminds us from start to finish that God loves us (Duet. 7:9; Psalm 136:26; John 3:16; Romans 5:8; 1 John 4:7-8…), He is in control (Isaiah 41:10; Phil. 4:6-7; Luke 12:22-26…) Jesus died to save us from our sins, and He will come again in glory to send non-believers to hell and to bring heaven on Earth for believers. Then there will be no tears, no grief, only joy. (Rev. 21:4)

I started going to a new church & really enjoy it. There is a guy at my church who has a long-term, long distance girlfriend (a few years) & every time I see him he constantly stares at me. I am really attracted to him & other than the staring, he has godly characteristics (he leads worship & his family is heavily involved in the church). We are in a small group together & he doesn’t come up & talk to me, but always stares at me & I’m confused with what to do. If he is happy in his relationship I don’t understand why he always stares at me, but ultimately I just want to be a sister in Christ to him & don’t know how to navigate this situation.

You may need to confront him. Or, ask someone in leadership to watch the situation and see if there is a basis for your concern, so that he/she can speak to him. It is definitely inappropriate. Unless he ends the relationship, then it would not be right to encourage him. If he’s looking at you, look away.

I'm a college student studying far from home. Whenever I'm home, my parents are always fighting or my brother is fighting with one of my parents. I don't deal well with conflict & don't know what to do about it.

That is so hard. Obviously, you can’t tell your parents what to do. It sounds like they need counseling. Maybe you could write them a letter while you’re away and explain how hard it is for you when you come home and ask them to talk to their pastor, or if they aren’t Christians, to a marriage counselor. Other than that, all you can do is pray for them. If it causes you too much anxiety, maybe stay with a friend when you are home and limit your time there--make sure they know why you’ve chosen to do that. Sometimes, people need someone to speak truth to them when they are too close to a situation to see it clearly. 

Is it okay to marry the first man you date?

You should marry a man that you long to be with, that you don’t want to leave and can’t wait to see. One who is the first person you want to tell your good or bad news and who you can’t even imagine a future without. As long as you love him like that, and he loves you like that, and you are both Christians that love the Lord and put Him first in your relationship, it doesn’t matter if he’s the first man you dated or the fifteenth. The connection you have, the love you share, the faith you share--that’s what matters. I have seen lots of happy marriages result from first relationships. Don’t let that cause you to doubt if the love is real.

Hi. I am 16 & have been struggling with my chronic illnesses for a while. It all causes me a lot of anxiety & depression. I know God has a purpose for my pain but it’s so hard being in constant pain both physically & mentally all the time. It’s been like this for years & keeps getting worse. I’m tired of fighting & want to give up on life. God is the only thing keeping me going but I still feel so horrible. How do I hold on to faith & hope when everything in my life is falling apart?

This question breaks my heart. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with chronic pain and anxiety at such a young age. Have you tried plant-based supplements?  CBD oil combined with passionflower is great for anxiety and depression. I also recommend that you see a counselor. If you are at the point of giving up, you need support. I would also encourage you to find a support group with others dealing with your same chronic illness. God calls us to be His hands and feet and your experience is an amazing testimony of courage to others. So, not only can it help and encourage you to be a part of a support group, but you can glorify God by encouraging others. Sometimes, taking the focus off our own pain and putting it on helping others changes our perspective enough to give us strength to hold on during the worst storms of life. And always, fix your eyes on Jesus and the joy of your salvation through Him. Remember how he suffered so that you could have eternal life and grow in your relationship with Him through Bible study, prayer and memorizing Scripture.  

How can I get closer to God? I have been really far away from Him. Disconnected from Him for a while now. I want to get closer to God but don’t know how to. Please help me. Thank you.

When we feel like God is far away, it’s because we turned away, not Him. The only way to stay connected to God is to pray and study His word. The Bible is so amazing in the way it all points to Jesus so that we can fix our eyes on Him. I answered a similar question in week twenty-five here and in week 35 here.

This past year my family has endured a lot. We have a crazy & broken family that is so hard to deal with. My grandma -- who I was very close to -- died, & my uncle & my cousin also died suddenly in the past year. I still feel close to God, but sometimes it just feels like I cannot talk to anyone about my pain because it is too much for them to handle. I talk to God about it but I just want somebody to give me advice on how to help my family overcome this.

I’m so sorry for your losses. I’m sure your family feels devastated with one blow after another. I hope they also have faith and a relationship with God to rely on. And I hope that your relatives that died were also believers and are now at peace in the arms of Jesus. It’s so difficult to comfort non-believers. It’s so heartbreaking to grieve for non-believers. But it is an opportunity to speak the truth of the Gospel to them--to explain to them that if you died tonight, you are certain that you’d go to heaven and if they want to know why, you’d be happy to tell them. If they don’t want to talk about it, offer comforting Bible verses like Isaiah 41:10, Romans 8:38-39, John 14:1-3, Psalm 34:18; 46:1-2. Pray for them to find comfort and for the Holy Spirit to give them peace. And for the unsaved, for the Holy Spirit to create a desire in them to seek Him because of this pain. Grief takes time. All you can do is love them through it and continue to be a light to them. 

Hi, I’m still a virgin at the age of 18 & I’m really passionate about saving myself for marriage, but the temptations of this world are sometimes too much. On top of that, there are other Christians who are not virgins & I sometimes think to myself, "Is it even a big thing anymore?" As people like to say, it’s the 21st century, but I am really committed to saving my virginity to my husband. Can you please encourage me?

Whether it’s the first century or the twenty-first century, God’s word is true. It is the ultimate authority over our lives--not the culture we live in. This world is full of temptation and pushes sex at us all the time--sex for pleasure’s sake--not sex that glorifies God in a marriage relationship. God created sex to enhance marriage. Don’t believe the lie of this culture that it’s not a big deal. The Bible clearly calls sex outside of marriage (sometimes translated as sexual sin or fornication) sin. We all sin all the time, but hopefully, it’s by accident not intentional. And thankfully, God is gracious to forgive us if we repent. Don’t openly sin against God because this culture doesn’t recognize sin. Be faithful to wait. God will bless you for it.

I’ve never gotten along with my mother. She’s verbally abusive & arrogant. My sister seems to think she has the gift of prophecy & relies heavily on things she says. This doesn’t sit well with me. I have several diseases & can’t support myself. When I was diagnosed, my mother became very angry & treated me worse than ever. She said God told her I’m supposed to be a nurse. All my life, she has said I should be a nurse. I have never wanted that & now, I am not able to work anyway. But, I wonder: who is in the wrong here? Is my mother truly prophetic? Or is she pushing her own agenda? Or am I stubborn because we don’t get along? I’ve always believed if God wanted to tell me something it would be directly & backed by the Word.

As far as I understand, there are no modern day prophets. God speaks to us through His Word and by way of the Holy Spirit nudging our hearts. When the Holy Spirit does open our eyes to understanding about something it usually has to do with growing in our relationship with God or loving and reaching out to others. People often claim to have special revelation from God, but unless it is a new facet of understanding Scripture, I’m not convinced it’s from God. Yes, God is in the details and He cares about the details of our lives, but I don’t believe He gives special revelation to people like that. If your Mom was dedicated to prayer and Bible study so that her heart was open to hear any Holy Spirit nudgings, I think they would be about her own life. But if she is verbally abusive and arrogant, I’m guessing that she isn’t very close to God. Matthew 7:15-21 speaks to this. Where is her fruit? I’m sorry that you are stuck in such a difficult position because of your health. Would it be possible to receive government assistance/disability? If you could get that, you could qualify for Section 8 housing to get cheaper rent and possibly move out. Maybe you could find a roommate to help with expenses too. If you can’t get out of your mother’s house, maybe you can get her to attend Bible study with you. Definitely pray for her and for your sister. But since you have been abused--even though it’s verbal abuse it’s still devastating to your self image--you would benefit tremendously from counseling--either with a therapist (hopefully, a Christian one)  or your pastor. God loves you so much. Don’t believe otherwise. Grow in your relationship with Him so that you have the strength to get through the difficult circumstances you are facing. Remember: circumstances are temporary but God is eternal and your salvation is eternal. Trust in that.

Hello. I found my friend falling for a man who is a celebrity. She is completely crazy about him. She believes that God can do anything big for her, that nothing is impossible for the big Lord. How can I help her overcome this strong belief that she will be with this man? 

God is involved in the details of our lives, but He is not Santa Claus and He doesn’t grant wishes. He gives us peace and strength and salvation through Jesus Christ. That’s all we need. And we glorify Him best when we are thankful for our blessings and content with whatever our circumstances are. Anything we “want” that we pray for that is outside of His will or His perfect plan for our lives or doesn’t draw us closer to Him or glorify Him--it’s not happening. It doesn’t matter how hard you pray or how strong your faith is. Sometimes, people get disappointed with God when He doesn’t answer their prayers the way they want Him too. But He knows what we need to go through to draw closer to Him. It’s part of the sanctifying process of the Holy Spirit. God already knows the desires of our hearts and the motivations behind them. I’m pretty sure your friend is not motivated by “Thy will be done.” Remind her that although nothing is impossible with God, what she desires may not be His will for her. It’s a hard truth in this world of instant gratification and fairy tale magic.  

My boyfriend & I have different religions- Christianity & Catholicism. We are facing a dilemmas because neither of us want to convert to the other's beliefs. Because of this issue, we cannot get married. Is it a sin to betray our beliefs? (If one of us becomes Catholic / Christian ?)

Technically, you are both Christians. Catholics and Protestants are both Christians. The Catholic faith is different from the Protestant/Evangelical faith but it is still based in the redeeming work of Christ on the cross. Where Catholics differ (actually, there are 95 ways but these are the primary ones) is in their acceptance of seven extra books of the Bible, their belief in a state of purgatory after death, their belief in the transubstantiation of the bread and wine into the actual body and blood of Christ, their prayers to the saints, and their belief in the need for penance after confession of sin to a priest. Not that these aren’t big issues, but they do believe that Christ died for their sins and Christ is the only way to heaven. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always come across in their teaching and some believe that they must do penance and will have to pay for their sins in purgatory after they die before they can move on to heaven. Some are also confused by having to confess to priest believing that is the only way to confess. Protestants believe that Christ has paid for all sins and although we do believe it is important to confess our sins--privately anytime and corporately in church--and repent. We don’t believe we have to do any work of penance. And we do not believe we will have to pay for our sins in purgatory. This belief by some Catholics keeps them from fully trusting in Christ as the once for all time Redeemer. Also, a lot of Catholics identify as Catholic because of their upbringing, but really don’t have a firm grasp of what it means to be Catholic or what Catholics believe. My husband was raised Catholic and it took a long time for me to convince him to visit other churches. (We were not saved when we first got married.) I suspect that your boyfriend may fall into that same category--identifying as Catholic without really knowing what that means. Maybe if you speak with a priest and a pastor, asking questions and clarifying what they believe and why, you will be able to find common ground and move forward in one faith. Catholics are not allowed to marry outside their faith. So, you would have to convert to Catholicism to marry him if he still wants to remain Catholic. Maybe explaining to him why you disagree with some of the things Catholics believe and giving Scriptural proof would help him start to investigate what he really believes. Protestant pastors generally require several sessions of pre-marital counseling before marriage and would see his refusal to leave the Catholic church as a big stumbling block in your future. I pray that you will come to choose one faith to move forward in together.    

How can I meet new people/make new friends at church?

Get involved. Find a Bible study or prayer group and attend all the social gatherings they offer. If there aren’t any, maybe you need to find a church that truly seeks to feed its flock. You can still be a member of your church and attend Bible study somewhere else. Or you can start a study. There are lots of study guides online. But the best way to meet people is to study with them and serve alongside them.

Last school year, I felt God calling me to leave a very toxic friend group that was driving me away from Him. So I did, but now with the new school year I’m trying to trust God's plan while also feeling a little anxious about where He is taking me & if I’ll find a new friend group.

I’m so proud of you for recognizing and leaving a toxic friend group. I’m sure that was not easy. I hope that you have already found some new friends since I took so long to respond. If not, I would encourage you to join some clubs where you can meet some new people. Maybe you could start a Bible study group. Lots of studies have leader’s guides online with all the answers. I love Nancy Guthrie’s, Seeing Jesus in the Old Testament. There may be others who feel like the atmosphere at school is toxic toward having a relationship with God and would love to join a Bible study or prayer group but aren’t brave enough to start one. We get so many questions from Christian teens that feel like outcasts because of this toxic culture. I feel sure there are others that share your values and would be great friends. If not in school, maybe you can meet some new friends at church. Or if your church doesn’t have a thriving youth group, look online and find one that does.