Daughter Dilemmas, Week 45
Welcome to week forty-five of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.
What does a changed heart look like?
A changed heart not only can explain the Gospel message that Christ died for us and why, but understands the depths of our sinfulness and our need for Christ to be the perfect sacrifice. A changed heart has a new understanding of God’s word and a desire to learn more about Christ and grow in relationship with Christ--not for a short time but for the rest of her life. A changed heart desires to glorify God in all that she does and understands the need for daily repentance of sin. A changed heart seeks to love God with all of her heart, mind, and soul and love others as much as she loves herself. A changed heart knows that salvation through Jesus is the only true cause for joy in this world and doesn’t give up on faith when difficult circumstances come.
I’m a Christian teen in high school who longs to have Christian friends that truly love the Lord. Those who aren’t ashamed to raise their hands in worship & do not live a double life outside of church. I feel so alone at my church. No one has a fire for Christ & it seems as if those in my youth group do not truly care about God. I’ve looked into other churches, but have never found a church or even an in-person Bible study group that suits what my soul is longing for. I have taken Bible studies with people online, but it just doesn’t feel like a fellowship that fully fits what I feel I need because it isn’t in person & feels fake. I don’t really know what to do. Can you please pray for God to lead me to someone who will be a close friend & has a strong faith?
What a beautiful testimony you are! This sinful world makes people so self-conscious about expressing their joy when they glorify God--especially teenagers. I am lifting you up, sister, praying that God will bring you a close friend that has a strong faith too. In the meantime, keep looking. Don’t give up. Ask people because there may be small, home churches that don’t advertise or have an online presence. Sadly, there are not a lot of Bible study options for teens. Most are content with being a part of youth group and what they learn in Sunday School. You may have to find adults/college students to study with. Look into BSF (Bible study fellowship) or CBS (Community Bible study). They have evening options available sometimes. Meet with your pastor or youth pastor and tell him/her what you’re longing for. Maybe they could suggest some people to have a Bible study with or someone to be your mentor and study with you. God will raise up something as you remain faithful to keep searching.
My mother doesn’t want me anymore. She is always saying horrible things to me. I was forced to move out when I was 16 & now I’m in my 20s. My question is, why does God give women who will not ever want their kid .... a child?
Sweet sister, this question breaks my heart. I’m so sorry the one who should love you more than any other human, has treated you so despicably. This is NOT your fault. I hope that you know this. This woman has mental problems and I pray she gets help. You are a gift to the world. God allowed you to be born because you will have a powerful testimony for His glory. No, she didn’t deserve you. And lots of people have children trying to fill the void that not having a relationship with God brings. Or they long for the unconditional love of a child and are unprepared for the responsibility. Or they get pregnant by accident because they are careless. Whatever the reason, I think you should pray for your mother, but cut her out of your life for now. Join a church--if you don’t have one already--and find a female mentor. Grow in your relationship with Christ through Bible study, worship and prayer. so that when the time is right, your heart will be in the right place for possibly opening up communications with her again. If you don’t want to cut her out of your life completely, then at least don’t let her verbally abuse you. Don’t stand for it. Leave. Hang up. Whatever you have to do to show her it is unacceptable. It doesn’t sound like she is repentant, so I hope you will be able to forgive her, knowing that she is so lost and pray for her healing and salvation. But don’t let it have a foothold in your heart that continues to hurt you.
The moment we are truly sealed with the Holy Spirit, can it ever leave us?
Absolutely not. He has promised to never leave us or forsake us. (Duet. 31:6) In a world that tells us that all we have to do is believe in ourselves to achieve all we “deserve,” it’s so important to understand this. We don’t deserve anything. We are sinful and weak. And the price for our sin is death--eternal damnation. But we have been sealed with the Spirit, marked as belonging to Christ for eternity. There are those that “accept Christ” with an understanding of and an ability to articulate the Gospel that do not have a true saving faith. Those fall away and sometimes lead others away. But those of us that are truly changed by the Holy Spirit will never fall away. We may sinfully turn our backs on God in anger because of circumstances. We may shake our fist at the heavens and ask, “Why?” when our hearts are broken. And that self-righteousness attitude can create a gulf between us and God. We can restore our relationship with God through repentance when we acknowledge that He is God and we are not. His plan is better than our plan every time--even when it’s awful. He is there with us in the pain and desiring us to find peace and joy in Him every time.
My brother has a long history of mental illness & anger, & has been incredibly violent towards me & my family. As a result, he moved out 3 years ago (he’s 22) & has been living with a roommate. He constantly goes through stages of blocking out family from his life & not talking to or seeing us for months or years at a time. About a month ago he disappeared & we were told only a week ago. Somehow, the roommate found him on the side of the road, extremely skinny. About 90 lbs. Apparently, he had been living in an abandoned house for a month. I guess my question is, how can I come to God with this & find peace? It’s extremely heartbreaking to see my brother in this condition & I feel so helpless. I know I can’t do anything but just love & pray for him, but it just feels so wrong for this to be happening, & I’m so confused.
It does feel terrible when we watch someone we love who is hurting and are helpless to “fix” them. It’s not within your control to fix your brother. It sounds like he needs rehab or some sort of in-house therapy at a psychiatric hospital. But rehab/counseling usually only works when the person is ready and desiring change. Maybe you can research treatment facilities in your area and have a conversation with him about them? He may not be interested in hearing it at first, but it might soften him to the idea. Sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom before they can even see they need help. Sometimes that’s when they see their need for a Savior too. It’s hard to trust God when He doesn’t seem to be listening to our prayers. But our prayers are not supposed to be a list of things we want fixed. They are a time of thankfulness and repentance and lifting our worries up to Him to remind us that He is in control. When we fix our eyes on Him instead of the painful circumstances, it can give us peace. It reminds us that this sinful, painful world is temporary, but our relationship with Him is eternal. (Read Phil. 4:6-7; Romans 8:6) Yes, the Bible says to ask and it will be given--but in context, all of those passages speak to giving us what we need for our good and God’s glory as part of the sanctification process. Even though it may not seem like it right now, God has a plan and it is good. I love that Hillary Scott song, Thy Will, that speaks to this issue. Maybe it can speak to your heart too.
What do you do if you have a crush on a guy? How do you get over it? I'm afraid of being awkward & rejected.
Being awkward and rejected is no fun. It hurts. So, look for signs that this guy is interested. If you see some sign of interest, then put yourself out there and see if he wants to go out for coffee or something. All he can do is say no. If you’re sure he’s not interested, let it go. You don’t want someone who doesn’t truly want you. You don’t want to end up being used or have your heart broken. You deserve someone who will love and cherish you. The purpose of dating is finding someone to spend your life with not for short term entertainment or so you won’t be lonely. There is no rush. God’s timing is perfect. He will raise up the right guy at the right time. Trust in that.
My mom recently moved across the U.S. & I am just starting college far away from her in what used to be home. I feel that I am letting her down by not being in the same state as her. We are best friends & the only best friend I have, I am just so overcome with guilt for making this decision, I feel very selfish. Was it wrong of me to make this decision to not be close to my mom? Also, how do I know what direction God is pushing me towards when making a difficult decision?
I’m sure you miss each other tremendously, but thank heaven for technology!! You can call/facetime/Skype every single day if you want. You can send texts and emails that she receives instantly. Don’t let yourself be plagued with guilt. I’m sure you had good reason for choosing that college. God gives us lots of good choices and He may not directly tell us what to choose, but know that His hand is in it. Whatever you choose IS what He planned for you. He wants you right where you are. Because as long as you seek to glorify God in all you do, you’re doing His will. Let me put it another way: Only when you choose a path that will cause you to NOT seek to glorify Him are you going against His will for you. (Example: Choosing to rob a bank--not God’s will! lol) College only lasts four years and it will go by fast. This is a wonderful time of life for you to mature in so many ways. Just call your mom a lot and make sure you don’t neglect Bible study. (I highly recommend joining a campus ministry like RUF!) And if you find that you miss her too much, college choices aren’t set in stone. Get through what you’ve already paid for and if you are still unhappy, look into options closer to her.
I sent in a couple months ago that my boyfriend's mum was very ill. She has since passed & has joined her Father. The family is joyful that she is there but grief still hurts. I feel like being there is not enough & I don't know how to help
We got this question the same week we finally answered your first question. I’m so sorry for your loss and that it took us so long to respond. (We get about twenty questions per week and only post ten, so it adds up.) Grief takes time. Coupled with their prayers for healing not being answered the way that they hoped, they may be disappointed with God, angry at God, questioning their faith. But remind them that they have cause for rejoicing because God did answer their prayers. He took her home to heaven where she has been transformed, where there is no pain or suffering or tears, where she has the joy of being in the presence of our sweet Savior. She is healed beyond our imagining. Pray that they can accept that. It’s all you can do. Grief is a process we have to love each other through.
One of my close friends is leaving for two years to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I saw him as a potential partner & truly was falling in love with him. My heart is heavy & I keep getting so angry with God. How can I continue without having bitterness towards God?
I’m sorry your heart is heavy. I’m not exactly sure if you’re also LDS but upset about the separation or if you don’t share his faith. I’m going to answer with the assumption that you aren’t LDS too. God has clearly stated in the Bible not to yoke ourselves to someone unequally. (2 Cor. 6:14) I have LDS family that I love and cherish, who give every appearance of the perfect example of a Christian. But they don’t share the fundamental beliefs of Christianity. (The omniscience of God, the deity of Christ, the Holy Trinity…) This guy doesn’t share your faith and yet you allowed yourself to fall for him. Is that God’s fault? Why are you angry with God? The heart is deceitful above all things. (Jeremiah 17:9) When we get mad at God because we can’t have what we want, should we blame God? If you believe this guy is the one for you, then start praying for the Holy Spirit to open his eyes to the truth of the Gospel and the deity of Christ. I’m afraid you’re going to have to wait until he returns to have a serious theological discussion with him. Hopefully, he’ll be open to that. But I wouldn’t count on it after two years in the mission field. He’s not going to be interested in you if you aren’t willing to convert anyway. Pray that God will raise up a Godly, Christian man for you.
I have bad acne & scars & it feels like every day is centered around my face & all of it’s stupid little imperfections. People tell you that beauty is on the inside & man looks at the outward appearance, but God only looks at the heart & all that, but I just can’t seem to believe it. How can I trust these things & stop focusing all my attention on how different my face looks from all of the instaworthy/perfect-makeup girls? How can I trust that this is how God made me for a reason?
Our bodies are fragile things. Because of that, we can’t put our trust in them. People are sinful and make idols of their bodies and the way they look. For some reason, God has given you this painful burden. We may never know why. Maybe so that you will come to a place where you see beyond outward appearance in people to the goodness and beauty inside. But it’s so hard to feel confident in this world when you don’t feel that you look your best. I struggled with acne and so did two of my children. Now that I’m older, you’d think that I wouldn’t have that particularly affliction, but in the last few years, I’ve been fighting rosacea and rosacea acne. These bodies are amazing when they work, but so frustrating when they don’t. (I’ve discovered that my acne is directly related to what I eat. Apparently, white processed sugar--which is in just about everything that tastes good, lol--breaks me out two days after I eat it, so it was hard to figure out since it didn’t happen right away. Maybe you have a food trigger for your acne too. Try to fast from different foods and see if it makes a difference. Give it at least a week. My kids’ acne was triggered by stress but that included stress eating so I’m not sure if they had food triggers.) When I’m feeling ugly and unworthy, I remember people like Joni Eareckson Tada who had a diving accident as a teenager and became paralyzed from the neck down. In spite of her handicap, she has glorified God so beautifully. (She’s amazing! Look her up!) I think of veterans who have been disfigured by bombs, or people who have been burned, and it helps me be thankful that at least my stupid acne will go away someday. Yours will too. In the meantime, we can try to be thankful for all of our other body parts that work. And we must stop ourselves from sinning by envying others or complaining that it’s not fair. Someday Christ will return and bring heaven to earth and we will get new, amazing perfect bodies. Our sinful nature will be gone too, so we won’t even care how beautiful we are and we will only see the beautiful souls of everyone else. Hang in there, sister. God has a plan and a purpose for everything that happens. Let His light shine from your heart and others won’t even be able to see your acne beside that.
A topic I have been wrestling with is evangelism. Some people (well known evangelists such as Ray Comfort) believe that we should evangelize door to door/open air preach, or bring Gospel tracts with us, giving them to every person we come into contact with, & exposing their sin, which reveals their need for a Savior. However, on the other hand, I've heard that it's important to build relationships with people, & preach the Gospel/be open about your faith as you build the relationship or when timing is right. Some pastors/theologians say this isn't biblical because the Gospel message is very urgent & we don't have time to build relationships. Also, some say that telling unbelievers that 'God loves them' is not a biblical way of evangelizing because it creates false converts that are unaware of their sin. There are some pros & cons to both. What is your take on this? I've seen how powerfully God has worked in unbeliever's lives when believers build relationships first (for example, Rosario Butterfield), but arguments against this method have challenged my perspective of evangelism.
I agree that it’s urgent- which makes it all the more heartbreaking that we have absolutely no control over saving someone. Only the Holy Spirit can do that. Sharing the Gospel with someone is no guarantee that they will accept it. I believe that we all have different gifts. Some people are very articulate and become great preachers. Some have that gift as well as an outgoing personality which makes them amazing evangelists. That is not my gift. I would be very uncomfortable going door to door. At the same time, I have family members that I love and have great relationships with, that I haven’t shared the Gospel with yet. One, I wrote a letter to--since writing is more my gift--and mailed it with a Bible. She just thanked me. It didn’t open a door for conversation like I’d hoped. I’ve been praying for the unsaved in my family and asking for opportunities to share the Gospel with them for years. And each time I have that chance it has fallen on deaf ears. I’ll keep trying. And I’ll keep writing--hoping that someone has their eyes opened to seek a saving faith in Jesus instigated by a combination of my words, God’s timing, and the Holy Spirit. But I think you’re right about false converts. I believe the best way for those that don’t have the gift of evangelism to share the Gospel is through being God’s hands and feet in this world, loving others, drawing them in with that light that shines out of us who love God, so that they will seek Him. The prophet Jeremiah, in his letter to the exiles spoke of the Lord saying, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13) No amount of urgent Gospel proclamations changes a heart that hasn’t yet been nudged by the Holy Spirit to seek God. All types of evangelism are important. There isn’t just one way. It’s a beautiful thing to grow in relationships with non-believers to a point where you are able to share the Gospel, when you know they are ready to hear it. I have a dear friend that I credit with my salvation based on her continued sharing and drawing me in and inviting me to church until it was too embarrassing to say no another time. I attended the church for a few months before the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to the truth when the pastor came over to share the Gospel. So, even though it was the pastor’s words that I finally heard, it’s my friend that got me to the point that I could hear them. Never underestimate the power of loving relationships. God’s word never goes out into the void. It always fulfills a purpose.