Daughter Dilemmas, Week 46

Welcome to week forty-six of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

When is it time to obey what God tells you to do? Because it could be now, or God could give you a specific time to do what He asks.

I have never experienced God telling me to do something specifically. I have felt the Holy Spirit leading me to say something or do something or volunteer for something. But God’s word is in the Bible and his commands are clear: Love God with all your heart, soul and mind. Love others as much as you love yourself. We are too weak and sinful to do this fully, but with the Holy Spirit’s help, we try. That being said, if you have felt God calling you to do something, do it. I’m trying to imagine a situation where you would wait, and I can’t. God is not specific when He nudges our hearts. (Wouldn’t life be simpler if He did?) God’s plan and His timing do not change by our actions or inaction, though. If we don’t do something, that is part of His plan. If we do something, that is part of His plan. If we are trying to decide between two good job offers, for example. Whichever one we choose--that’s the one we were supposed to choose. Even if it ends up that the company we chose to work for goes bankrupt and we lose the job, while the other company becomes very prosperous. God wanted us to go through that circumstance. Wherever we are, if we are seeking to glorify God, that’s where God wants us. So, if you are feeling nudged by the Holy Spirit to do something, whenever you do it, that’s when you are supposed to do it. God’s sovereignty over every situation is very freeing. All we are responsible for is trying to glorify Him in all we do in whatever circumstances we find ourselves. (Like Paul and Silas singing in prison: Acts 16.)

I broke up with my boyfriend tonight. It was my first real relationship. In the beginning, all was perfect. We talked & loved one another despite of our differences. We both went to different churches (he is more traditional & I am from the evangelic church). Although that was a small issue, he said that he had the feeling that I didn't make enough effort to get to know him & his family & friends, which I understand & regret. But we also have done sexual things & every time he went home, I cried because I knew that's just not right but I didn't want to lose him. I prayed that God would help me to know if this was the one or not. But after tonight, I still feel like it was all my fault that it ended. Why did God allow this to end & how can I move on & love again when I feel like I can't even be a good partner to anyone after what he said?

A first relationship that includes sexual intimacy is extremely difficult to let go of. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like he placed a lot of pressure on you to be intimate, and he also blamed you for the difficulties in your relationship. That’s not acceptable. That’s not the way you deserve to be treated. He did not love you with the kind of lasting love that strengthens through all of life’s ups and downs. God allows us to go through all kinds of painful things in order to show us that our circumstances are not what we are supposed to put our trust in or find our joy in. Our relationship with Christ, and our salvation through Him are supposed to be the solid rock we stand on, count on, and find our joy in when life circumstances hurt and people disappoint us. Focus on growing in your relationship with Christ as your broken heart heals. Once it does, I hope you will have the perspective to see that this wasn’t a healthy relationship, and whatever cruel things he said to you to make you doubt your ability to love again are not true. You may see God’s hand in all this and understand why you needed to go through it, but you may never know. Keep trusting that God’s pleasing and perfect will for your life is rooted in His love for you and His desire that you grow in the desire to glorify Him in all you do.  

How am I supposed to trust in God in difficult times? I’ve tried to fully trust in Him, yet I always seem farther away from him after the situation is over.

It’s hard to trust someone when you feel like he has let you down--even more so with God. But God hasn’t let you down. He is sanctifying you daily so that you will grow closer to Him and more Christ-like. He wants you to get to a point where you aren’t asking questions like this because your trust is so sure. Have you ever heard anyone say, “Don’t pray for patience!” That’s because there is no magic wand to give you patience. You grow in patience as you face situations which try your patience. Well, the same thing could be said about trust. So, how do you trust God in difficult times? You trust God because your trust is completely in Him all the time--whether you’re going through difficult times or not. Because we are supposed to consider Jesus and what He did for us--even though we don’t deserve it--and find our joy in that. That’s what I mean when I say to fix your eyes on Jesus. Our sins have been paid for, we are forgiven, and we are going to heaven. This world is full of sin and it is hard to live in. We will face lots of difficult circumstances--painful things. But this is not our home. This is not where we are supposed to find our joy. Any joy we find in creation or loving relationships here is all grace. It’s icing on top of the great cake of joy that is our salvation. We trust God because He is trustworthy. He saved us and He continues to walk beside us, leading us where we need to go to grow in Him and become more Christ-like. That’s why we’re here: to glorify God and love Him forever. There’s a song by Lauren Daigle called Trust in You that I sing to myself whenever my doubts start creeping in. Maybe it can help you too.

I'm a Christian woman who has grown up in a Christian home & in church. I have a love for God & want to please Him as best I can. God has let me go through many trials (especially health) throughout the years & I have gotten closer to Him because of them. I know we are not supposed to be unequally yoked to a non-believer but that's not exactly my question. My friend of 11 years, who is now my fiance, is a Christian man who loves God but he also believes extra things that I whole-heartedly believe are unbiblical. I've been praying for 15-20 years for God to put a godly man into my life & it's always been my friend (fiance) who God used to help me in life. We both have the same foundational Christian beliefs, but since we're not 100% on the same page about every little thing, I want to know if it is still okay to marry him. I've asked God about him (& Christian guys in general), received godly counseling from my pastor, another pastor, & my Christian friends about my friend/fiance, & always looked for guys in my church (all were taken or not living a godly life). As long as we push each other to keep growing closer to God & spend time with Him apart & together, why do I sometimes feel like I'm making a mistake & God's not happy with me, & then other times feel like this is what God's approving & a part of His plan?

It’s difficult for me to give a clear answer since I don’t know the “extra things” that he believes. It sounds like you’ve already received good counsel. I wonder why you still feel like this is a mistake? Maybe this will help. People and churches and different theologies have different interpretations of Scripture. My church has its fundamental beliefs broken down into something called The Westminster Confession of Faith. (And then further broken down into questions and answers in a Catechism. Here’s a link if you’d like to share Scriptural proof with him of foundational beliefs: http://www.apuritansmind.com/westminster-standards/shorter-catechism/ ) But, having said that, even though we have differences, in order to truly be Christians we must agree on five basic truths: The Holy Trinity exists and consists of The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit who are three parts of one omniscient, omnipresent being. The Son came down from heaven and took on a human body--remaining fully God, but denying himself full power--so that he could physically die as the only perfect sacrifice for all sins for all time for those who believe and then rose from the dead--defeating death for us all that we might have eternal life through him. Belief in Christ and his sacrifice is the only way to have eternal life. Because we have all sinned, and continue to sin and are unworthy of Christ’s sacrifice and the resulting eternal life, it is a gift of grace from God through the Holy Spirit and cannot be earned by works. The Bible is the complete an inerrant Word of God. Those are the things that matter as far as what you are on the same page about. If those are in question, then I question whether or not the Holy Spirit has changed your fiance’s heart and opened his eyes to the truth of Scripture. As far as God’s plan for you--you are doing it. Whether you go left or right or stand still, God has already planned it and agonizing over it isn’t going to help you make a decision. Whatever you do, that is God’s plan. What I think you mean, is whether or not marrying this man is within God’s will for you. God’s will for you is to love Him with all your heart and soul and to glorify Him in all you do. If anything we do doesn’t glorify Him--it’s outside of His will. If your marriage will seek to put God first and each other second--even before yourself--then it is what He wants for you. I recommend pre-marital counseling to make sure you are on that path.    

I usually pray in silence -- like I don't let my voice out. I kind of got used to praying like this & I'm also sharing my room with my sis, so most of the time I'm praying it might be disturbing. Is there is a difference in praying out loud or silently? Is one more effective than the other?

There is no difference. The Bible says that the Holy Spirit translates even our unspoken groanings when we pray. (Romans 8:26-27) And the Bible tells us to pray without ceasing (1 Thess. 5:17). We can’t actually do that because our human minds are too easily distracted, but if we could, it couldn’t be out loud. That would be kind of cool, though, if everything we spoke was a prayer. Anyway, I’m so proud of you for being faithful to pray every night because that is glorifying God--whether it’s silent or out loud or on your knees or in your bed--it’s all the same to God because He knows your heart. 

I married a man who loved the Lord, but 4 years into our marriage, he has since confessed that he has lost his desire to serve God & have that personal relationship with him. He doesn’t necessarily disagree with Christianity, but more so doesn’t care enough to make an effort anymore. He’s still an amazing husband, is willing to attend church with me, & fully respects & listens to me talk about it whenever I desire to. I know the Bible talks about being unequally yoked but I don’t feel divorce is an option for us. Neither of us would want that. Other than continually pray for him & be a light to him, what would you suggest in this situation?

I think you are doing all the right things. I’m sure your heart is broken over it. Some people accept Christ with only the “head knowledge”--meaning they can articulate the Gospel--and don’t have a true saving faith where the Holy Spirit changes their heart. Head knowledge is not enough to sustain us to continue to grow in our relationship with Christ. Possibly, that is what happened with him. Keep praying. God will surely use your witness to soften his heart! Also, you could encourage him to read The Case For Christ by Lee Strobel. You could see if he would be open to counseling with your pastor. Or, maybe you could go to a marriage retreat like Weekend to Remember--I can not recommend it highly enough. The Holy Spirit is truly at work there. Jeremiah 29:13 says, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart.” We are praying all things will come together with the Holy Spirit’s help to cause him to seek God again.   

I received Christ in my life a couple of months back. I have been craving to maintain a relationship with God. But sometimes when things get rough, I tend to procrastinate daily prayer & Bible reading. Sometimes it goes up to months without any of those. I really, really really want to be constant & back with God. How can I? 

That’s why there are things like Daughter of Delight. It doesn’t take much time to read a Daily Delight.  You can at least do that, right? Taking time for Bible study on your own is hard. It’s better when there are people to hold you accountable. Join a Bible study. Preferably, one that requires that you read the Bible and answer questions based on your reading before class. Split those questions up to do one or two a day each week. If there are no studies at your church that you can attend, start one in your home with two or three friends that also want to be intentional about growing in their relationship with God. I highly recommend Nancy Guthrie’s, Seeing Jesus in the Old Testament series. The books have questions to answer, a teaching chapter to read and discussion questions after that. You can download the answers to the questions from her website. Take turns leading with your friends so that it’s more of a discussion group where you can hold each other accountable. 

How do you stop yourself from analyzing & being distracted by a person you like & maintain that focus on God?

Relationships with others will always be distracting. There are lots of distracting things in this world--good things that aren’t sinful: work, family, love, exercise, etc. Obsession is what crosses the line into sin. If you are obsessing over anything, you are making that an idol in your heart. It is pushing you away from your relationship with God. We all desire relationships, so it’s perfectly normal for you to long to be in a relationship with someone. But I think if you put God first with Bible study, prayer, and worship, you’ll come to a peace about trusting God to raise up a Godly man for you and you’ll stop obsessing over every attractive guy you meet in hopes that he is the one. God’s timing is perfect. Trust in Him and wait with a peaceful heart. And while you wait study His word and grow in relationship with Him. 

I was seeing a therapist last year for 6 months & then stopped, partly because of just found a great church & have been growing in faith since then & God is really healing pain from past hurts as well as anxiety & depression.

I think perhaps that one reason I stopped was that I felt I should be talking to God about everything I struggle with rather than a therapist but I've realized over the last several months that therapy is a good thing that helps. So I'm thinking about going back to the same therapist because she already knows me. Should I go ahead with it or should I try to find a Christian therapist? (This would be difficult to find as I don't live in my home country).

Therapy is wonderful and I definitely encourage you to go back to this therapist that knows you and was helping you. God put her in your life for that reason. You don’t have to have all of your help from a Christian source. Prayer is wonderful for the soul. Getting to know God and truly understanding His love through Bible study is also therapeutic. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. If the therapist is not a Christian that’s not a problem unless she pushes you toward worldly advice or instruction like meditating with crystals or something. Most reputable therapists try to stay away from pushing their own beliefs on their clients, so that really shouldn’t be an issue.

I see all my friends in relationships. I am 16 years old & I have never been in a relationship. I get so discouraged & people make fun of me. Any advice?

People are mean. Don’t let their idiocy discourage you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God. He loves you and wants you to be loved in His perfect timing. My daughter was 19 when she had her first date. One of my sons is 23 and hasn’t had a relationship yet. I can think of three other twenty-something girls that haven’t had a relationship yet. And that’s okay. My daughter has been happily married for four years now. And I have no doubt God will raise up someone for you in the right time. Dating is supposed to be about finding someone to marry--not random hook-ups or ways to gain experience. Don’t let their teasing bother you. They are the ones that are teaching themselves--by having lots of relationships that they carelessly toss aside when they get bored--that relationships are meant to entertain us. They aren’t. Real love relationships are meant to be a tiny example of Christ’s love for us. Start working on building your relationship with Christ. Everything in this world is temporary, but that’s eternal. And please don’t “settle” by dating just for the sake of dating. It’s not worth it. 

How do you apply the Bible to your situations?

This is such a great question because it’s so important that we don’t cherry pick verses out of context to apply to situations in our lives. Some people go so far as to close their eyes, open their Bibles to a random page and point their finger, thinking that this is their word from God for the day. Yes, God speaks to us through His word. But absolutely everything in the Bible points to Jesus, and therefore points us to Jesus. So, we have to be careful not to take a verse out of that context, so that we feel like our random decisions are endorsed by God. We are called to glorify God in all we do, love Him with all our hearts and souls, and love others like we love ourselves. So, reading and studying the Bible grows us in our relationship with Him and our understanding of Him and His love for us so that we can do that and long to do that. We apply the Bible to our lives in that way. Yes, it is full of great advice for various situations, but all of that advice is founded in Christ--trusting, being courageous, being forgiving, but most importantly, knowing what’s important: keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus. What He did for us, what He still does for us, what He will do for us when He returns--which is what the whole Bible is about--needs to be the focus of our lives, and where we find our contentment and joy in all circumstances. That’s how we apply it. 

My husband’s brother’s family is Hindu & they practice lots of witchcraft to get what they want (money, power) & make people obey/like them. I am confident God protects me & my family, but to what extent? Can we eat food prepared by them where they have added special powders? Or should we just refuse going over to their house full of idols & marks of sorcery at the risk of displeasing my husband’s lovely parents (who are not Christian)?

Yikes. That is a difficult situation. If I were you, I would avoid them as much as possible without offending your husband’s parents. Go late. Leave early. Don’t eat with them unless you have to. Maybe explain to your in-laws that you are uncomfortable with your children being exposed to such an openly anti-Christian home when you are trying to teach them that idols and sorcery/witchcraft are against God and not to be tolerated. Hopefully, they will respect your beliefs and admire you for sticking to your convictions. I agree that God will protect you completely. For added assurance, pray for protection before and after you see them. We can’t deny that there are evil spirits in this world. The Bible cautions us against them. But our God is greater. They will cower at the presence of Christ in you.