Daughter Dilemmas, Week 47
Welcome to week forty-seven of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.
I struggle with finding a quiet time that works for me. For the most part, I cannot discipline myself to read my Bible every day. I feel like I’m always rushing through it when I do read. I’m good at listening to Christian music & podcasts, going to church every week (which I love), etc. But for some reason reading my Bible is always my biggest struggle!
It’s a struggle for me too. What I have to do is attend Bible study. That holds me accountable to at least do the reading and be prepared for the discussion. I like Bible studies that have daily questions to answer. If you don’t have one at your church, see if there is a Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) or Community Bible Study (CBS) near you. I also lead Bible studies and teach Sunday School--that forces me to dig deeper. I’m always blessed by it. Doubly blessed because it keeps me in the Word. If you can’t do that, then I highly recommend inviting two friends to do a Bible study with you--taking turns leading and meeting once a week. Nancy Guthrie’s, Seeing Jesus in the Old Testament series is perfect for this. There are daily questions, a teaching chapter, and discussion questions after that. There are answers online and whoever is leading can go over Nancy’s answers ahead of time to help facilitate the discussion. It will transform your prayer life and truly make you love prioritizing the reading of God’s word.
I lost my virginity to a guy who just wanted to be friends with benefits, but he keeps asking me to have sex again. I asked God to forgive my sin, but it is very tempting & I kind of want to deep down.
Once you go down that road it’s very hard to turn back--as you’ve discovered. That’s one more reason it’s a good idea to wait until marriage to have sex. It is important to always have the big picture in mind. Sex is meant to be a gift for a married couple to enjoy that strengthens their marriage bond. It is not meant to be a short term pleasure. Because of this, our brains get confused when we have different sexual partners before marriage and aren’t able to produce that bonding chemical reaction when we finally do get married. Plus, what about the expectations and memories that a sexual relationship with your friend puts in your head? Don’t you think that might intrude in your thoughts when you’re with your husband someday? The Bible clearly calls us not to engage in sex before marriage. The words for sex outside of marriage in the different translations are different: fornication, sexual sin, and sexual immorality, but it’s clearly called sin. Continuing in unrepentant sin hurts your relationship with God. Temptation has triggers. Don’t put yourself in tempting situations. Don’t watch sexually explicit shows. Pray for the Holy Spirit to give you strength. God is with you all the time. He knows your heart. He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability to stop. (1 Cor. 10:13) Let your love for God rule your actions, not your love for yourself.
My mother is the type of Christian who only has a relationship with God when things get really bad. I just started college & now I’m struggling to develop my own relationship with the Lord. How can I establish my OWN relationship?
I recommend joining a college ministry- specifically Reformed University Fellowship (RUF) if they have one at your school. Most of these ministries are affiliated with one particular church which can help you get connected and find a church family. But if that’s not an option, do some online digging and see if you can find a church that is truly Gospel-centered. Hopefully, they will also offer some type of new member class that teaches what they believe. I also recommend that you read Lee Strobel’s The Case for Christ. Pray that the Holy Spirit will open your eyes to the glorious Gospel of Jesus and guide you in growing in relationship with God. Praying for you!
How do you believe that things will get better when you have been dealing with mental illness for so long? It’s so hard for me to be positive & believe in God right now.
When I read your question, I thought of Paul and Silas chained to a wall in prison (Acts 16:16-40). Mental illness is a kind of prison. It’s a daily struggle. And maybe it will always be a daily struggle--like someone dealing with an addiction. Maybe things will get better because you allow yourself to rejoice in that prison--you change your perspective. Instead of saying, how long will I have to endure this? Say, let me glorify God through this. Paul and Silas were beaten and thrown in prison for healing someone. Yet, they were praying and singing hymns. How did they do that? How did they remain joyful? They had to have been in so much physical pain. The only way they could have done that was their joy in knowing that circumstances don’t matter. This world and this human body is temporary. Because of Christ--his sacrifice, paying for our sins, and his resurrection, we get to live on in heaven. That is where we have to fix our eyes--on that truth. That truth is what helps us stay positive and believe that God loves us. He is with us and He is the rock that we stand on when the ground beneath our feet is shaky. And we do that--fixing our eyes--by Bible study, attending church, staying in community with other believers, praying and singing hymns/listening to uplifting music, sermons and podcasts. Read Phil. 4:4-13. He has promised to give you His peace which guards your heart and mind. And Paul is teaching here that because of Christ, he can have the strength to get through anything because his eyes are fixed on his redemption which causes him to rejoice always and desire to focus on what is good. It’s the secret to a joy-filled life even if we’re walking in a valley.
I feel like this is a bit of an obvious question, but I confess that I kind of struggle with truly believing ALL my sins are paid for (I’ve done bad stuff) & I don’t want to doubt Christ. How do we truly, truly trust in His finished work? How do I know I am truly forgiven?
We can trust because that is where we find our joy in any and all of life’s ups and downs. If it weren’t true that Christ paid for all of our sins then the whole foundation drops out of the Gospel. If he was just a prophet and not part of the Holy Trinity, then his sacrifice would not have been enough. God sent a part of Himself, His Son, down from the glorious heavenly realm to live inside a pitiful human body--denying his Deity and power--so that He would be able to die. The punishment for our sin is death. They used to use animals as substitutes because the price had to be paid in order to be forgiven. But Christ paid the price once FOR ALL. That means you! Now on Judgement Day when Christ returns, God will look on our puny selves and only see that we are covered by Christ’s blood, HIs sacrifice--His horrible, painful sacrifice. We are redeemed! And not only that...after He died for us, He rose from the dead--conquering Satan’s only weapon. Now we get to live on in heaven and be with Him when He returns to make heaven on Earth. So, when you doubt, and we all do because it’s just too amazing to wrap our heads around--remember that when you accepted Christ as your Savior you became a WHOLE NEW BEING. ALL OF YOUR SINS in the past were wiped away. Now, you move forward and repent daily for the new sins you commit. We all sin all the time. Because we’re not able to completely love God with all of our hearts, souls and minds or love each other as much as we love ourselves. But on that day that you became new, the Holy Spirit began a work of transforming you to be more Christ-like every day. And God will carry that work to completion--He has promised in His word. So, listen to Christian music (Lauren Daigle’s Trust in You is a great one!) and study your Bible and fix your eyes on Jesus so that you glorify Him in all you do with a thankful, repentant heart because of all He has done for you, and you’ll find that trust comes much easier.
I have a male friend who is married. But he is in love with me & I don't know how to disconnect from him because we have become really good friends & I don't want our friendship to end. His wife does not know that he is in love with me. She only knows that I exist as a colleague in his life. What is the right thing to do?
The right thing to do is to end this friendship immediately. He is breaking his vow to his wife every time he even thinks about you. He needs to repent and focus on the woman he has sworn to love, honor and care for until death parts them. You have to walk away. By staying, you are committing adultery in your heart and Jesus said that is just as bad as the actual act. Let him sort out his feelings away from you. This man is not honoring God or his wife. What makes you think that if he left his wife he would honor you? Why would you want to have a relationship with someone who is blatantly lying to his wife. I don’t care what excuses he’s given you as to why he doesn’t love her anymore. I guarantee he’s not thinking with his brain. God will never tempt you beyond what you can bear. You know it’s wrong. Walk away before you do something you’ll regret with someone who has no honor and doesn’t know God. Let your love for God rule your actions.
How do I seek God without distraction?
When you figure that out, I hope you’ll write a book for all of us to learn the secret! (Actually, there is a great book on this topic: Having a Mary heart In A Martha World by Joanna Weaver.) Distractions are a problem for everyone. This world is full of them. Not all of them are bad. The people we love, and church commitments are good distractions. But they are not what is most important. Remember the story of Martha and Mary? Martha was busy rushing around trying to make everything perfect for her guests–especially Jesus– and her sister Mary sat at Jesus’ feet. Martha complained that Mary wasn’t helping her, but Jesus said Mary was doing what was important. (Luke 10:38-42) There’s the secret: remember what is important. Like when Peter steps out on the crashing waves to walk on the water to Jesus, it’s only when he gets frightened and takes his eyes off Jesus that he starts to sink. (Matt. 14:22-33) When we fix our eyes on Jesus, the distractions fall away. It’s like putting blinders on. The problems and distractions are still there, but our perspective changes.Practically, you can start your day with prayer, you can set aside time for Bible study, you can attend church where the Gospel is preached weekly, and you can meet with others to pray. Because short of living in a monastery, there will be distractions. The only realistic way to combat them is to fix your eyes on Jesus, over and over again.
How do I heal after having an abortion?
My sweet sister, I’m so sorry for your loss. You must keep telling yourself that there is no sin that our dear Savior didn’t pay for on the cross. Ask forgiveness and take hold of that forgiveness in Jesus’ name. Then begin the work of forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to grieve. It is a process and it takes time. It will probably never stop hurting. But the pain will lessen with time. I encourage you to call a pregnancy support center and see if they have a post-abortion support group where you can be with others who are going through the same thing.
If I want to grow stronger with my faith, where do I start?
Bible study or a study of the Westminster Confession of Faith is a great place to start. Honestly, The Westminster Confession is a bit over my head, but it is broken down into what’s called the Westminster Shorter Catechism version that is easy to read and understand and memorize. Here’s a link to one version: https://reformed.org/documents/wsc/index.html?_top=https://reformed.org/documents/WSC.htmlPlus, it gives Scripture references to back everything up. (The numbers refer to the footnotes which list the Scripture references.) Growing in your knowledge of what you believe and why is a great place to start but also attending a Gospel-oriented church is important. Bible study is important because it’s the way God speaks to us. It is His Word. And prayer is important. Daily praise and thanksgiving, along with confession of sin reminds us that we are blessed beyond measure and don’t deserve it, which helps keep our focus on what’s important–eternal things and not worldly circumstances–as we are sanctified daily to become more like Christ.
Why can’t I commit?! I’m with a man who has shown jealousy & controlling issues. He is willing to work on it, with God. I struggle to be content; because of social media & dating apps, I always ask “can I do better?”. What’s the difference between “settling” & taking what God has placed in front of you?
Good question. This culture teaches that relationships are disposable. They are meant to entertain and discard when we bore of them.That’s not what God wants for us. He wants us all in--until death do us part. It’s possible that cultural mentality has made its way into your way of thinking and is causing you to doubt. Are you always looking at dating apps because you are discontent in general about many things or because your heart is telling you that there is no future with this man? It’s possible that he’s not the one. Because when you find the one, your desire to look for someone else should go away. You should be feeling that you don’t want to spend the rest of your life without him. That he’s the first person you want to see in the morning and the last face you want to see before you sleep. Commitment is easy when there is real love. But we’ve been brainwashed into thinking that love means constant excitement and romance. So, when we get bored in day-to-day living, we start looking for that greener grass on the other side of the fence. God wants you to find contentment in your relationship with Him. To be complete and thankful and joyful because of what He did for you and how much He loves you. You aren’t supposed to find your joy IN another human. You’re supposed to find joy in this world through God’s blessing and abundance WITH someone. You’re not supposed to find your peace and your strength IN another human. You’re supposed to share your pain and struggles WITH someone as you both stand on Christ the Rock. Try to look at things from this perspective and maybe that will help you know if this is the man God has given you to love.
I'm currently a first-year in university. I pray that one day I'll meet an amazing, God-loving man. But with the uni culture of drinking, smoking, hookups where do I even start looking to find someone?
The hook-up culture is so pervasive. It’s disheartening for Christians. My advice is to avoid it completely. Don’t go to bars or parties where people are drinking, doing drugs and hooking up. Find a circle of friends that also want to love, serve, and glorify God with their actions. Look at your church for young singles groups or college fellowship groups. Look for on-campus ministries. In the states we have RUF- Reformed University Fellowship--among many others. Maybe there is something like that where you are. If you can’t find friends in those two places, maybe you have local Christian singles groups. Or, you could invite like-minded people over for fellowship at your own house/apartment. Many times, I’ve seen friends who fix up their friends with brothers, cousins or other friends. The thing to remember is that finding an amazing, Christian man is not urgent. You have plenty of time. God’s timing is perfect. And you should trust in that. He will raise up the right guy for you in time. The waiting is hard, I know. But trust. And while you wait, work on your relationship with God by finding a great Bible study to attend so that when you do meet the right guy, you’re heart is ready to receive him.
How do you put complete & utter faith in God when you feel He has forgotten about you?
When God seems to be silent, we may be asking the wrong questions. God has promised us peace. (Phil. 4:6-8) No where in the Bible does it say He will give us what we ask for. He’s not Santa Claus. I used to think Matthew 7:10 said that, but it means that God will give us what is best–better than we can even imagine. Sometimes that is something we’re praying for, and sometimes that is going through a horrible situation so that we draw closer to Him or let go of some sin or maybe even so we can minister to someone else down the road. Or maybe the horrible thing we’re going through doesn’t have anything to do with us. We’re selfish and self-centered, so of course we assume that. But I have learned that God is always there. If I don’t feel Him, it’s because I moved away, not the other way around. So, I count my blessings and I thank God for them. Then, I admit my sin and ask forgiveness. Then I give thanks for Jesus so He can forgive me. Lastly, I lift up the concerns of my heart–not so He can fix them, though He might–so that He can give me peace because I remember that He’s God and I’m not. His plan may not line up with my plan or my desires, but it is always the best plan, even when it sucks for me. I put complete and utter faith in God by fixing my eyes on what is eternal and not on the storm raging around me in this world.