Daughter Dilemmas, Week 48
Welcome to week forty-eight of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.
I have battled a life long, seemingly never-ending inner battle of purpose. All my life, it seems like I've never had vision, goals & ultimately a reason to be alive. How do I align my life with God? How do I hear Him on how my life should look?
God gives everyone different gifts. There are lots of different tests to discover them. (here’s a link to one: https://gifts.churchgrowth.org/spiritual-gifts-survey/) On top of that, our brains work differently so that some people are good at math, for example, and some are good at music. (I’m not good at either of those.) It’s okay to not have fully formulated goals or a vision for your career. Think about what you like to do. Do you love movies? Study film. Do you love animals? Study dog training or veterinary medicine. While you are studying, you may discover something else that takes you in a different direction. If you don’t have money for college or trade school, that’s okay. You probably don’t want to spend money on your education until you figure out what you want to do anyway. To answer your question, though, aligning your life with what God wants happens when we put Him first--whether we’re bagging groceries or digging ditches or going on mission trips. The children’s catechism says: Who made you?God.What else did God make?God made all things.Why did God make you and all things?For his own glory.How can you glorify God?By loving him and doing what he commands.Why ought you to glorify God?Because he made me and takes care of me.That’s a simple way of explaining it. We are called to glorify God in all we do. God gives us different gifts to use for His glory. So, if your spiritual gift is teaching, then sign up to teach Sunday School. But, as far as feeling like you have to have a purpose in life or a specific career goal--don’t stress about it. It’s okay not to. As long as you try to grow in your relationship with God through church attendance and Bible study, you’re headed in the right direction. God gives us lots of great choices and He doesn’t care what we choose as long as it doesn’t cause us to sin and we strive to glorify Him in it.
How can you use singleness as a period to prepare for when you will eventually be a girlfriend &, ultimately, a wife?
Marital love is supposed to be a tiny example of God’s love for us. The best way to prepare your heart for that relationship is to grow in your relationship to God so that when the time comes, you won’t make your boyfriend/husband the most important relationship in your life. We all have a tendency to do that if we aren’t anchored in Christ. Sometimes we even make idols of our husband and children. But if we are rooted in Christ, it allows us to love them the way we are called to love them. Read 1 Cor. 13: 4-7 and substitute your own name for the word love. Only in Christ are we able to love like that, because we are loved like that.
I recently got on a new work team. I love them to death but they’re encouraging me to cuss & I think it’s a trap from the Devil. How do I guard myself, my mouth, & my heart?
This world is full of sin and it’s easy to get sucked in. People are becoming more and more foul-mouthed to the point that they’ve convinced themselves that it doesn’t matter. Remember what Jesus did when the Devil tempted Him when He’d been in the desert? He answered every temptation with Scripture. (Matt. 4:1-11) Maybe you should try the same thing with your friends. “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them,” (Eph. 4:29 New Living Translation). Or Phil 4:8 and Phil. 2:14-16. The Bible clearly says that it matters what we say because we are meant to shine God’s light in the darkness of this world.
What do you think of BDSM? Can it be allowed in marriage?
I believe that sexual intimacy is meant to enhance the marriage relationship. It seems to me that people that can’t get adequate satisfaction from a normal, healthy sexual relationship may have some other issues they need to deal with. Desires for BDSM usually stem from watching porn, being very sexually active, excessive masturbation or emotional and or physical abuse by authority figures. Using BDSM to work out these real heart issues instead of seeking counsel could lead to a desire for more and more intense practices to achieve arousal and satisfaction. Sometimes life-threatening practices. It becomes a vicious cycle. It can also lead to a desire to be raped or rape someone else. There are a lot of reasons to not participate in any form of BDSM. It is a perversion of the sexual love that God intends for us to share with our spouse. We are called to avoid sexual perversion. (Gal. 5:19-21; 1 Cor. 6:9, 18; Hebrews 13:4) Culture/ this world tells us that whatever two consenting adults do is fine. God says, keep the marriage bed undefiled. Decide for yourself who to listen to.
I have struggled with finding a home church since I left my parents' house for college- almost 6 years ago now. I have tried a couple of different places, but going alone can be so awkward & I haven’t felt a real connection anywhere. I want to avoid megachurches- looking for somewhere that can teach me well & bring me closer to Jesus. I’ve felt a strong tug of my heart to get connected somewhere but there are a million excuses to stay away from the awkward first visits. How do you find a church around you when you’re new to an area & don’t have any recommendations???
It’s amazing how many churches have great websites! Find one that has sermon tapes/podcast recordings. If the sermons are Gospel-focused, look for a women’s Bible study group. Start there. Attending a Bible study gives you the opportunity to meet people. If the people are friendly, they’ll be so excited to have you and will invite you to attend church. If not, try a different one. When you do connect with someone, ask her to save you a seat, so you don’t have to sit alone when you do visit. You've got this, sis! Praying for you!
My ex did not treat me right. None of my friends like him & even while knowing that we tried again... which resulted in him ghosting me & talking to another girl while I was just his back up plan. But even with knowing all this, I can’t shake the feelings I had for him. I know I can never be with him again but I’m at a dead stop with getting over him.
Our friends are great at having a better perspective than us. When you are inside a relationship, it is hard to see the truth of how you are being treated. This guy is absolutely not the one for you. How do I know this? Because “the one” will long to be with you. He will be excited about seeing you and spending time with you. He will know that he doesn’t want to have a future without you in it. And you will feel the same way about him. Stop holding on to a toxic relationship because of the warm fuzzies you had from being in a relationship. That was not love. Look to 1 Cor. 13: 4-7. That is true love. That is the way our Heavenly Father loves us. That is the way you deserve to be loved by your husband.
I’m in kind of a sticky situation. I’m a teenager & my friend is currently in serious danger of herself. She is thinking of every possible way she can harm herself & I am really concerned. My mom & I are trying to help her, & I need to keep my faith in God strong, but how can I do that with so much going on? It has been going on for a while now & I am just really scared one day I will wake up & see a text saying she has passed. What should I do to keep trusting in God & not worry as much?
I know that is so scary for you. Maybe she has confided in you and you don’t feel good about telling someone, but she needs help. She needs counseling. It’s so important that she get the help she needs. Please tell the counselor at school or talk to her parents. There are online support groups for her to call too. Like this one: https://www.crisistextline.org/selfharm As far as your faith, it’s difficult to understand why bad things happen and keep trusting. And my telling you that God has a plan doesn’t really help, I know. We have to remember the story of Peter stepping out into the crashing waves to walk on the water to Jesus. As soon as he took his eyes off Jesus, he started to sink. (Matt. 14:22-33) We have to keep our eyes on Jesus. That means, we have to remember that he loved us so much that he died for us. Now, we get to go to heaven instead of hell because we are forgiven. He took the punishment for us. We have to remember that and be thankful and joyful in our perspective even when we are surrounded by crashing waves. We can’t let our circumstances shake our faith. What happens in this world--good and bad--is temporary, and we are called to glorify God in it. We can only do that if we have a cup overflowing with thankfulness instead of bitterness and anger when bad things happen.
I struggle with pornography. I know I shouldn't watch it, but when I am in the moment I can't help myself. Is watching porn & masturbating a sin? If so, how can I stop?
Much like opiates, our brain produces feel-good chemicals when we have an orgasm that can cause us to become addicted to watching porn and masturbating. Having sex outside of marriage is a sin. Masturbating is having sex with yourself, so it is sinful. It is a deeply difficult heart issue that many people struggle with and are embarrassed to admit. The desire to watch pornography becomes an idol. Matthew 5:29a says, “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away.” I’m not saying you should do that. But you should remove all access that you have to porn. ALL access. Join a support group or ask a trusted friend to be your helper that you can call when you’re tempted, who can hold you accountable. Do not read books or watch movies with lots of sex scenes either. Remember Philippians 4:8. Whatever is pure...think on these things. Fill your mind with wholesome things. Listen to Christian music. Read and study your Bible. Read 1 Cor. 10:13-14. God will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, but you have to put your trust in Him and fix your eyes on Him to flee from this idolatry.
Lately, I have felt a longing for friendships where I can encourage & be encouraged to live closer to God. I have some really sweet Christian friends, but I don’t feel like they crave God's Word or really want to talk about Him that much. I really want to be a good example & motivate them to seek God wholeheartedly, but often I feel stuck & don’t experience a feeling of grow in my faith. Is it selfish of me to wish for more God-loving & encouraging friends?
No, it’s not selfish. It’s necessary to grow in our faith! I’m so sorry you feel stuck. Maybe you are more spiritually mature than your friends. I suggest that you ask your pastor or maybe one of the leaders of the women’s ministry at your church to pair you with a mentor. Someone you can meet with regularly to pray and study the Bible. That is a way that you can encourage your friends too. Because when they see what you’re doing to make God a priority, maybe they’ll want to too. You could also suggest to your women’s ministry leader that your church start a Bible study for your age group. If your church isn’t open to the idea, look around for other churches that are. It’s okay to attend Bible study at a different church from where you are a member. If none of these suggestions work out, try leading a Bible study yourself with a few of your friends. There are lots of options online that offer support. I always find when I’m leading a study, I’m growing in my relationship with God more than ever while I’m encouraging others through the study.
For many years I was disheartened & felt spiritually lost due to personal issues, & it took me time to slowly get back to reach out to God again. But I’m afraid of slipping back into doubt & fear since this wasn’t the first time it happened, & whenever I do I become cynical & unkind to others because of the pain from issues I have. How can I avoid that? How can I become a better woman in the eyes of God?
Have you ever heard anyone say, don’t pray for patience? That’s because God will answer that prayer by putting you in situations where you have to be patient to gain patience. The same holds true for standing firm in your faith without doubt and fear. You will face more situations where you have to stand firm so that eventually it will become your first reaction. In order to help that sanctification along, you should fix your eyes on Jesus by studying the Bible. Nancy Guthrie’s, Seeing Jesus in the Old Testament series is perfect for this. If you can’t find a study you can attend at your church, ask a couple of friends to join you and take turns leading. If you use the Nancy Guthrie study, the leader can go over the answers to the study questions--which can be found online--beforehand. You can’t just pray yourself into becoming a stronger woman of God. You have to do the work to grow in your relationship with God by studying his word, listening to uplifting Christian music, podcasts and sermons (Moody radio is a great source for that), and attending a Gospel-centered church regularly. Memorizing Scripture helps too. And anytime you feel the urge to be unkind, remember that you are a work in progress too and God is giving you grace and mercy, so you should extend that to others.
Should every person speak in tongues? And is tongues something you can turn off & on, or does God control your tongue? I know Baptists & Pentecostals believe different things, but what do you believe about tongues & why? My family is one way & my church is the other. And I don't know which way to bend: Baptist, or Pentecostal.
I asked my pastor a similar question a long time ago. He told me that he didn’t want to speak against someone else’s spiritual gift or experience with the Holy Spirit, but our church (PCA) doesn’t see it the same way. We believe that God gives everyone different spiritual gifts as a means for glorifying Him. How does speaking in tongues glorify God? Who understands it? Even the person that says the strange words doesn’t understand it. It may be that they feel blessed to communicate with God in this personal and unusual way, but are they really communicating if they don’t understand what they are saying? Where are the people with the gift of interpreting tongues? If they are speaking in a different language, and there is someone there to interpret it, and the message is translated for everyone to understand, then I understand how that glorifies God. But I’m not sure that’s what is happening in the Pentecostal church. I could be wrong, but it’s my understanding that it’s a personal, prayerful experience. The original instance of speaking in tongues was at Pentecost when the apostles were given the Holy Spirit. They spoke in different languages so that all the people that were there from different countries would hear the Gospel in their native language. They weren’t speaking a special spirit/angelic language that no one understood. It was for a specific purpose of reaching foreigners which glorified God by spreading the Gospel message. 1 Cor. 14 says that there is no point to speaking in tongues that no one can interpret because it does nothing to build up the church. I’m not sure exactly how it works for Pentecostals with this spiritual gift--if that’s what it is. I believe they pray for the Holy Spirit to speak through them. So, that would mean that it comes from God. But most Biblical scholars believe that the “speaking in tongues” referred to in the Bible means speaking a language that you don’t know for the purpose of sharing the Gospel with someone who does speak that language. They discount the idea of a heavenly or angelic language even going so far as to call it gibberish that serves no purpose and therefore doesn’t come from God. I wouldn’t go that far, because it does seem to be some sort of spiritual experience that draws the person closer to God or gives them stronger faith. But I certainly wouldn’t say that someone’s faith isn’t strong enough if they can’t “speak in tongues” like many Pentecostals do say. It shouldn’t be a proof of faith. When I accepted Christ, the Holy Spirit came upon me and opened my eyes to the truth of the Gospel and has been with me ever since. I have a certainty of faith that I don’t have to prove, and I don’t speak in tongues, nor do I have any desire to.
I was engaged & was going to get married to a man I knew since I was little. I was with him for five years. Three months before the wedding I called it off because I had so many doubts & felt he wasn’t the one God had for me. However, recently it has been in my heart to pray for him & I have started to miss him so much. How do I know if I did the right or wrong thing and should I tell him how I feel now?
It’s hard for me to answer this because I don’t know what your doubts stemmed from. Doubts are usually a sign that 1) you’re not ready OR 2) you know deep down that he’s not the one. Missing him is not a good reason to break his heart all over again. He may have moved on anyway. Of course, you miss him. Five years is a long time. But missing him doesn’t mean you want to marry him. And you shouldn’t date anyone that you don’t see a future with. You say you’ve been praying for him. Does that mean he’s not a Christian? Because that’s a huge stumbling block in a marriage. But you know if someone is “the one” if you are on the same page spiritually, you have a great rapport, you long to be with him, don’t want to be apart from him, he’s the first person you want to tell your good/bad news to, he’s the last person you want to talk to before you go to sleep. Does he meet that criteria? I bet he doesn’t if you were so full of doubt. Continue to pray for God’s best for him, but ask God to raise up the one who is best for you too.
I struggle with anorexia. I hate(d) myself, but during this time I can read my Bible instead of eat. I keep convincing myself that God wants me to strive for perfection. It's been two months since then, & every time my sister's in a bad mood & I tell my mom I am hungry she responds with, "You shouldn't be, you don't eat anyways". This kind of stuff keeps coming back & I keep relapsing...any advice?
Sis, no one is perfect. No one can be. God doesn’t expect you to be perfect. He loves you so much that He sent Jesus to live a perfect life so HE could be a perfect sacrifice to pay for our sin. We all sin, all the time. But because of Jesus, we can repent and be forgiven. When a person struggles with an eating disorder, she has made her image of herself an idol. It’s usually an issue of wanting to feel in control of something when other things in your life feel out of control. It sounds like you might be feeling a little out of control. I’m so sorry, sister. You are precious in the eyes of God and He has a plan. He is in control and you can trust in Him to work all things together for your good and His glory if you love Him. You don’t have to earn his love. You just have to believe. God would never want you to study your Bible as an excuse to not eat properly. Yes, sometimes people fast and pray when they want to clear their minds and seek the Holy Spirit’s leading. That’s a completely different situation. It makes me so sad that you don’t have support at home. You need support: a support group, a therapist, even a trusted friend to hold you accountable to eat healthy. I don’t know what your financial situation is, maybe your family can’t afford to keep good food in the house or get you a counselor. But support groups are free. Here’s a link: https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/support-groups/online And you can talk to your school nurse or guidance counselor or a social worker free of charge too. They can set up free breakfast and lunch for you at school too. Anorexia can kill you if you don’t get help. It weakens all your organs to be starved--especially your heart. Please get help. We’ll be praying for you.
Hi, I’m a 22-year-old law student who struggles with anxiety attacks. Last year, I had a falling out with some of my closest friends. Although it has been a year at this point, I still have this strong resentment towards them & my hatred runs so deep. It is mentally exhausting. Please help.
You know what they say: holding onto hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. When we refuse to forgive, it poisons us. I don’t care how your friends sinned against you, it can’t be worse than how you are sinning against God by not forgiving them. God forgave us when we didn’t deserve it, why is it so hard for us to extend the same mercy? Because of self-righteousness. God forgives and forgets but we hold onto it, re-play it in our minds, tell others about it repeatedly, until it becomes a festering wound. It IS mentally exhausting. Let it go. Repent of your own self-righteousness and then forgive them. I’m not clear on how the anxiety attacks play into this. Are you saying that they treated you badly because they couldn’t cope with your anxiety attacks? Or maybe the drama that happened caused you to have anxiety attacks? It’s unclear. Either way, anxiety attacks are a real, physiological thing. There are natural ways to help like CBD oil and passionflower, but counseling is helpful too. Seeing a Christian therapist may be just the thing to help you deal with your anxiety and help you let go of your anger toward your friends at the same time.