Daughter Dilemmas, Week 49

Welcome to week forty-nine of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

Does being a good Christian mean that we have to reject Science? For instance, can we not honor God & believe His teachings but still acknowledge the age of the Earth?

Science proves God’s existence over and over because He is the creator of science. Everything is so intricately designed that it couldn’t have happened by evolution. There is no science behind macroevolution. Darwin himself admitted many holes in his theory. There is just no fossil evidence of in-between species. For evolution to be real, there would have to be. There is fossil evidence of humans existing at the same time as dinosaurs. The Bible speaks of leviathan and behemoths that could have been dinosaurs. And the age of the Earth is not clear in the Bible. Since God is yesterday, today and tomorrow, He is not a being that is constrained by our concept of time. When Genesis speaks of the first day, is that 24 hours? Probably not. It could be. It could also be one thousand years. Time is different for God than what we humans can wrap our heads around. God could have created it and then aged it. We only get a tiny picture of the beginning. Adam and Eve populated the Earth, but Genesis only tells us about Cain and Abel. Could it be that Adam and Eve had children for thousands of years before the Fall that lived with them in the Garden and were cast out with them? Maybe Cain and Abel were the only ones they had after the Fall. Or maybe God created lots of other people groups, but the Israelites were all descendants of Adam and Eve and that’s why they were God’s chosen. We just can’t know the answer to some mysteries of the Bible. God gave us creation and we should care for it and respect it because it’s a reflection of Him and how creative and amazing and loving He is. We don’t have to reject science as Christians unless it conflicts with what the Bible says. All Scripture is God-breathed. Just like all creation.

I’ve always dreamed of becoming a pastor. I went to ministry school & I desire to have a job in a church. I currently work for a student ministry & I love it, but I still feel like a hole isn't filled. My boyfriend is also pursuing a career in full-time ministry. He only went to school for two years & he didn’t graduate with a degree. I have two degrees, but yet, he is the one who gets all the job opportunities. I feel like I just don’t have what it takes or because I’m a woman no one wants to give me an opportunity. How can I show my boyfriend that I love & support him, & I’m truly happy for him when I still feel this sting of jealousy?

That’s a tough place to be. A lot of churches--like mine--don’t have women in leadership positions except for the women’s ministry, worship ministry, and children’s ministry. They don’t allow female pastors because the church doesn’t believe it’s Scriptural. But there are some really good female pastors out there, so I guess you have to pursue opportunities in churches that allow that and look into what their requirements are. I would think that you would need to attend seminary school within your denomination and be examined or tested by the leadership of that denomination. Degrees are helpful, but they don’t bypass seminary. In fact, most seminary schools require that you have an undergraduate degree first. So, I’m surprised that your boyfriend is getting more opportunities with less education. I can see how that would sting. I recommend that you do the best job you can do in the student ministry and make sure that the leadership knows that you’re interested in any other opportunities like leading Bible studies or adult Sunday School. That may lead to developing the skills you need to move up. And if you feel jealous, it’s only natural, remind yourself that it’s God who deserves the glory- not your boyfriend and not you. So, rejoice in his success because it all furthers God’s kingdom. 

I'm so close to giving up. I go to college with my sister & I'm constantly trying to invite her to go to church. She never wants to go & gets mad at me when I go. What do I do??

I had a friend that literally invited me to her church for three years before I finally went. And it was her and that church and that pastor that brought me to seek a saving faith. Don’t give up on going yourself. Continue to invite her and pray for the Holy Spirit to work on her heart. Let her see God’s light in you. Show her how God’s love has changed you by your actions not your words. Don’t try to preach to her. If she’s getting mad, she’s not ready. But please don’t let her discourage you. Hang in there!! And if she does question why you believe, you could recommend Lee Strobel’s book, The Case for Christ. Just remember, only the Holy Spirit can change her heart. It’s not your responsibility. You’re just called to glorify God in all you do and shine His light into her darkness with love.

What do you do when you want to grow in your relationship with God in your marriage, but your husband isn’t on the same page? He's not keen on reading the Bible, listening to podcasts, or praying. Sometimes I feel frustrated because I try to encourage him & push him & it feels like I’M leading us. Yet, the Bible talks about the husband being the head of the home. This discourages me from wanting to start a family, knowing that it only gets harder when you have kids.

He is called to be the spiritual leader of the family, but if the Holy Spirit hasn’t changed his heart, he may profess faith in God, but it’s not a saving faith with a true understanding of the Gospel. All you can do is pray for his heart to be changed so that he will desire a relationship with God too. In the meantime, move forward in your relationship with God by going to church and plugging in to the women’s ministry and joining Bible studies. It could be that seeing that fire in you will motivate him. I know one of the things that motivated my husband and myself to start visiting churches before we became believers was wanting our children to know God and grow up in church. So don’t worry about bringing children into your lives--they may help the situation. God has a plan. Trust Him with the details. It isn’t the ideal, but that doesn’t mean you can’t gently lead until he’s ready. But go easy on the pushing. You want to be encouraging not nagging. Tell him it’s important to you, but if you have to go to church without him, don’t be resentful. Let him see God’s love in you so he’ll be drawn to it.

Recently, my family has been going through a super tough time- losing our two beloved pets, for one, & my dad is finding a pastoring job, which might lead to us moving. We have moved several times in my life, usually very far away from each place (my family has lived in Madagascar as missionaries before), & it’s going to be really hard to do it again. I know it all works out & that God has a plan, but it’s really hard to submit to His will sometimes- especially because I really struggle with life changes. I’ve also gotten out of the habit of studying Scripture & praying. I'm just so busy with school & when I do have time, I don’t feel motivated enough. Thankfully, I’m plugged in at church with a discipleship group. I just need help figuring out how to begin spending time with God consistently again, as well as handling the stress of uncertainty on where we might have to go.

I’m so sorry for your losses. Grieving is a process and very stressful. Don’t be too hard on yourself right now for not feeling motivated to pray and study Scripture. Everyone has ups and downs in their prayer life. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things by staying plugged in to your church. Maybe see if you can find a mentor that could do a Bible study with you. Or ask a few friends in your discipleship group if they can meet once a week or once every other week to do an informal Bible study where you take turns leading a discussion. Most studies have answers online. (Nancy Guthrie and Jen Wilkin do. Jen Wilkin has podcasts too.)  A lot of people find change hard. We all cling too tightly to this world and what’s familiar. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that our earthly “home” is not really our home. Our true home is with Jesus where he’s gone to prepare a place for us. Life circumstances are always shifting like waves in a storm. Remember, Peter stepped out onto the crashing waves to walk to Jesus and he only started to sink when he looked down and got scared because of the waves. He took his eyes off Jesus. That’s what happens when we get stressed out. We’re focusing on our circumstances instead of the joy we have in our relationship with Jesus. Lauren Daigle has several songs I like but two speak to this issue. One is Look Up Child and the other is Trust in You. Maybe they can bring you some comfort during this difficult time. 

When I was 19 I got into a toxic & sexually & physically abusive relationship. It went on for 2 years & during it, we got married & had a baby. I grew up Christian but wasn’t following Christ at the time I met my husband. I have come back to Christ & it has been a year since the abuse has stopped. My husband does not know Christ. Is it possible for God to save my marriage despite the trauma it has gone through? Will we ever be able to move past it?

Nothing is impossible with God, but if your husband is not seeking Him, he probably won’t change. It sounds like you have forgiven your husband. That is an amazing victory after suffering abuse. I’m surprised that the abuse ended unless he received counseling. If the counseling is ongoing or the reasons he was abusive are gone, then it’s okay to try and stay in the marriage and pray for him to be saved. My fear is that the abuse is not over or that your child could suffer abuse at his hands. There are three Scriptural reasons for divorce: if your spouse is not a believer, physical/emotional abuse, and adultery/abandonment. God doesn’t want you to remain in a situation that will hurt you or your child. “God hates divorce; but, He also hates a man covering himself with violence” (Malachi 2:16). A husband who consistently refuses to love his wife as Jesus loved the church, violates his marriage vows. (Ephesians 5: 25-33) He is also responsible, according to Paul, for his wife’s spiritual development which is impossible if you’re married to a non-believer. Please counsel with your pastor. See if your husband will go to counseling with you to help you both heal from the trauma of the past. But if he is unwilling, or the abuse begins again, I know that God loves you and doesn’t want you to remain in an abusive marriage and it would not be sinful to seek divorce. 

I'm struggling with my finances. I've been tithing, learning about stewardship & actually applying them. But I'm still in debt & I don't know how much surrendering I have to do. What should I do?

Dear sister, if you are tithing and applying the principles of stewardship to your life, that’s all you need to do. Your debt is not going to magically disappear because you’ve put God first. You got yourself into this debt and it’s going to take some time to work out from under it. Call the people you owe and set up payment plans, you’ll get it paid off eventually. As long as you’re trying the collectors can’t come after you. I know there are preachers out there claiming the “prosperity gospel” of “name it and claim it” and telling people that once they start tithing, money will rain down on them and their financial problems will be over, but that’s just not truth. God does bless us abundantly when we tithe, but it’s not necessarily with financial blessings. Tithing is a spiritual discipline. Which means, it is a mindset, a perspective that God owns everything and giving him a measly tenth to help fund our church and support ministries is pretty ridiculous when you think about it. We owe Him everything. We shouldn’t expect any blessing in return. We certainly don’t deserve it. We are all sinful and selfish and are blessed beyond measure because Christ died for our sins so that we don’t have to die but get to live on in heaven. We have to live with that truth in our minds to keep us thankful--even when we are in debt. Be encouraged in the little ways God protects and provides for you as you walk through this season of paying off your debt.

It has been 9 months since my boyfriend & I broke up. He broke up with me because I was talking to an ex during our 2.5-year relationship. I have been suffering a lot because of it. I miss him & want him back, but I know he is not a godly man. How do I not feel guilty for the way I acted & my example as a Christian? What can I do to make things better between us? Or how do I move on from it?

You miss him and want him back, even though he’s not a Godly man, because you miss being in a relationship. Sis, he is not the one God wants for you. Loneliness and missing him are not good reasons to try and restore a relationship you know deep down wasn’t right. I want to encourage you to repent of your behavior and ask God to forgive you first, then ask for his forgiveness. After you do this, you can start to let go of your guilt and forgive yourself. Focus on growing in your relationship with God and His love for you right now. Our love relationships in this world are just meant to be a tiny example of God’s love for us. They aren’t supposed to be what we find our contentment, joy and ultimate satisfaction in. The truth is, only God can truly satisfy us in the ways we desire. Lean in and let Him show you His heart for you. His love for you is wild. Nothing compares!  

I've been a bit confused about the Holy Spirit & being baptized in the Spirit. I've met some people who just believe that when you become a Christian the Holy Spirit dwells within you & things like speaking in tongues aren't for everyone. Then, I've met some people who go to really charismatic churches where encounters with the Holy Spirit are frequent & physical experiences- like falling over. What view should we have on these matters? Should I be baptized in the Spirit by being prayed for with the laying on of hands? Or, because I'm a Christian, do I have the Holy Spirit in me already & should just keep pursuing God through Him?

I go to the Presbyterian Church of America (PCA) which is reformed and conservative. We believe that different interpretations of Scripture can be confusing, so it’s important to find more than one Scripture passage about a topic before assuming that it applies to us in the same way it did to the intended readers. Scripture is all God-breathed and it all applies to us, I’m not saying it doesn’t. I mean you have to be careful to look at the context and make sure other passages verify what you believe it to be saying. For example, in Acts, the apostles received the Holy Spirit initially long after their baptism and they spoke in “tongues” because there were many people from other countries there that needed to hear the Gospel in their own language--they weren’t speaking in some special holy language that no one understood. Then later in Acts, when Philip was in Samaria performing great signs and miracles, many people believed and were baptised in the name of Jesus (not in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit) and it wasn’t until Peter and John came and laid hands on them and prayed for the Holy Spirit to come upon them that they received the Holy Spirit. So, that means there is not one specific way that it has to happen initially. I was baptized/christened as an infant. When I was an adult and married with two children, the Holy Spirit came upon me as I was speaking with our pastor and opened my eyes to the truth of the Gospel. I had a true “I was blind but now I see” conversion experience in my living room--no water or laying on of hands involved--and I was forever after a new being in Christ. “You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart,” (Jeremiah 29:13). The Spirit will work on your heart, He will pursue you like hounds after a fox, but He will only change your heart and make you alive in Christ when you seek Him with all your heart. Then you will have the Spirit in you forever, to guide you, and give you understanding. That can happen in the quiet of your bedroom when you’re all alone, or Sunday morning at church in front of the congregation as the pastor and elders lay hands on you. Some people that are baptized as infants like to get baptized again when the Holy Spirit changes them, but it’s just symbolic. Baptism is a symbol of being in the family of God and my church believes that once is enough.

I’m struggling with sexual sin & staying pure. Temptation is everywhere & I feel so ashamed. This is not allowing me to grow spiritually & be a worship leader in my church. Any advice? Please pray for me as well. God bless you.

When we struggle with sexual sin, we aren’t looking at the big picture: the cross and the joy of our salvation in Christ. Read Philippians 3:12-21. Even Paul still struggled with sin. We all do. But God is sanctifying us, changing our hearts to be more Christ-like. And someday, Christ will return to bring heaven to earth and all the believers will get new bodies--bodies that don’t lust. There will be no marriage in heaven. Our relationships will be so different--so will our bodies. But here in this world today, satisfying the body’s desires outside the bonds of marriage is taking you down a path of destruction. You have already felt how it has damaged you spiritually. God has laid it on your heart to ask for help. Your conscience has been pricked by the Holy Spirit. You know it’s wrong. Figure out your triggers. What causes the most temptation? Reading books with sexually explicit scenes? Watching shows and movies? Listening to secular music? The sex culture is so prevalent. You have to remove all those things from your life. Memorize Phil. 4:8 and hold that standard to everything you do. Remember that children’s song, “Be Careful Little Eyes What You See”? It applies to us too, not just children. It’s based on Ephesians 5:1-21. This is not our home. We aren’t strong enough to withstand temptation if we allow ourselves to be surrounded by worldly things. We have to hold ourselves to a higher standard as children of God. Because He loves us. Because He died for us and He has gone to prepare a place for us in our true home. Repent and forgive yourself, and walk in the light by sticking to clean TV and movies, and music, going so far as to cut off your wi-fi if the temptation is too great. We are praying for you, sister, to be strong and let your love for God be bigger than your love for yourself and this world. 

I met this guy at the youth group we both serve in & we both started really liking each other - to the point of not only talking about dating but also marrying each other. Long story short, a couple of months after us getting super close (even meeting each other's parents) we took a break from talking due to us being distant. We both prayed about our relationship & asked God for guidance, but we both got different answers. I was given peace about where we were & he discovered he wasn’t ready for a relationship- at least not right now. I felt God telling me to be still, wait, that He’s doing a work in him. But then he chose to stop talking to me, to get over me, and he distanced himself & even broke a promise he made to me. Now he likes someone else & to be honest, I’m really heartbroken. He led me on to thinking he still liked me even though he likes this other girl. I’m confused, lost, hurt, sad, mad, & I don’t know what else to do but push him away & try to get over him. Any advice? How could I be so confused about what God told me? How does this all make me so uneasy but I can’t do anything except be hurt? What do I do? How can I move forward?

I’m so sorry he broke your heart. It sounds to me like he was using God as an excuse to break up with you, not truly searching for the Holy Spirit to give him discernment. In that case, you dodged a bullet. Even though you may have felt peace when you prayed about it, that doesn’t mean you misunderstood God. It just means the Holy Spirit was affirming that you were ready to go all in and make a commitment to this guy. Not that this guy was the right one for you. The fact that he didn’t want to pursue the relationship was an indication of that. You deserve someone who is also ready to go all in. Someone that longs to be with you and doesn’t want to live without you. The distance between you means you didn’t have that kind of connection that you need for a lifetime commitment. Remembering that will help you move on and trust that God’s timing is perfect.  He will raise up the right guy sis. In the meantime, focus on growing in your relationship with Him. After all, His love for you is the greatest love of all. Praying healing over your broken heart! 

I've grown up in a Christian home- made my faith my own but sometimes feel distant from Jesus. What can I do to be intentional in my relationship with Him?

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God” (John 1:1). Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life, but He’s also the Word. Scripture is about Jesus and what He did for us and what He’s doing for us and what He will do for us in the future from beginning to end. Study the Word. You will grow in your relationship with Jesus by leaps and bounds. I highly recommend Nancy Guthrie’s, Seeing Jesus in the Old Testament series. You can work through it alone or with friends and the answers to the study questions are online. Nothing else I’ve studied has truly enhanced my understanding of and relationship with Jesus like that study. Blessings!