Daughter Dilemmas, Week 50

Welcome to week fifty of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

How do you pray for the One God has for you? And how should you prepare yourself during the wait? 

Pray that God will raise up a Godly man in His good timing and you will have eyes to recognize him as the one and a heart that is ready to receive him. Prepare yourself by strengthening your relationship with Christ through Bible study. Nancy Guthrie’s, Seeing Jesus in the Old Testament series is a great choice for this. I know the waiting is difficult, but God does have a plan for you and it’s better than any plan you could come with yourself. He may be waiting for you to grow in love for Him, or He may be doing a work in your future husband’s heart right now. Hang in there! God’s timing is perfect. Count on that.

How do you handle a sin you find yourself repeating over & over again after asking for forgiveness?

Repetitive sin can have long term consequences in your life and in your relationship with the One who died to save you from the punishment for that sin. Everyone struggles with sin and temptation. Even Paul did. (Romans 7:15-24) But what we pour in, is what we pour out. What are you pouring in? Make a habit of pouring in good things that point your thoughts in a Godly direction. Listen to Christian music, read Christian books, watch clean shows, listen to podcasts of sermons–pour in good Spiritual food and your cravings for escapist, worldly, unGodly things will slowly go away. We are called to glorify God in all we do. That’s impossible if we refuse to give up something we know is wrong. Stand firm against temptation. Figure out your triggers and avoid them. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you (Phil. 4:13)!

I try to read my Bible & dive deep in the word every day. Sometimes, I do an online Bible study or listen to a podcast. Some days, I feel more connected to the Word & God than others. There are days that God speaks to me & I feel moved & other days that I feel like I am just going through the motions. Is this a normal feeling? Should I feel a disconnect some days? Or am I doing something wrong?

It is perfectly normal. We are sinful, selfish creatures and some days we hold on to the world and its problems a little too tightly, forgetting that the One who holds us has got it all under control. You are doing all the right things. The Bible is God’s word. It never goes out void. So, even on those days when you don’t “feel” moved, it is still working in you and on your heart. Maybe it’s something that you need to share with someone another day or that will help you through something that hasn’t happened yet. No matter how many times we read any passage in the  Bible, we will also gain something more from it. You might try monergism.com. You can search by scripture references to pull up sermons and podcasts to help you understand it. Keep on studying. It helps you keep the perspective of thankfulness as you glorify God in all you do.

I recently got married about 2 months ago. We waited to have sex until we were married & were so excited to finally do it! But ever since we have, so many emotions have come up. The biggest for me is that I feel undeserving of feeling good during sex or wanting to do it. I feel selfish for wanting sex & I feel dirty. There have been times where I didn’t orgasm & I was disappointed, which made me feel more guilty. It has nothing to do with my husband; he’s been so supportive & encourages me to just enjoy it, but I still feel bad. Am I allowed to enjoy sex with him? Am I allowed to want it & want to feel good?

You are absolutely allowed to enjoy sex with your husband! God gave us sex as a gift in marriage to help us bond more with each other and to have a way to show our love physically. Sex inside a loving marriage is about pleasing the other person. Do you feel guilty for giving your husband pleasure too? You shouldn’t. It’s a beautiful thing. Not dirty at all. It’s what sex was designed for by God. It’s possible that you were taught some bad theology when you were younger, or had a bad experience that you’ve suppressed that is causing you to feel this way. You may want to go to marriage counseling to work through this, or maybe a marriage conference like Weekend to Remember. It could help you see how beautiful it is that our bodies are designed so perfectly to give us another way to express our love for our husbands.

I feel myself drifting from God. My job is busy & I have in the last month or so been working so much, including Sundays. I have been struggling with doubt for some time & I feel like I am drifting from God...like He's no longer listening or present in my life. I don't know how to tell people that I am struggling with this. What should I do? How do I broach the subject, to have an honest conversation about this?

It’s so common. This world is so full of distraction--work, relationships, even laundry--seriously, the business of living can so easily make us lose sight of the One who brings life. But when we feel like God isn’t present in our lives, it’s because we moved away--not Him. He loves you and longs for you to put your relationship with Him first. That’s hard to do when we’re exhausted. We just want a little entertainment, when we have some free time to relax. God understands that, but He also made us to crave relationship with Him, and it’s a hollow life without it. It’s okay to share this with a friend or your pastor. They’ve probably experienced it at some point too, and they can encourage you by sharing how they turned back to putting God first.  Carving out time for God is important. Going to church and worshipping with other believers, singing together and praying and confessing sin together is so important. If you have to work Sunday, find a church that has a service on Saturday night, or Sunday night. It’s not as good as being with your regular church family but it’s better than nothing. Find sermons and podcasts that you can listen to in the car or listen to Moody radio. Write out a verse to memorize on a card and put it by your bed to read through every morning and night. We can’t have the perspective of thankfulness and joy, if we don’t take time to fix our eyes on Jesus every day.   

I was abused as a child. I always thought it was a figment of my mind. It happened again as a teen. It created this toxic relationship with sex & porn. How do I break away from that? I always turn to God but then end up turning away? This is hard to discuss within my culture, it’s very taboo.

I’m so sorry for the abuse you have suffered. Using sex and porn to cope is common and can so easily become an addiction since your brain gives off “feel good” chemicals. But it can lead to needing more and more stimulation in order to have a satisfying sexual experience, which then leads to violence sometimes. So, it’s a very unhealthy way of coping and I urge you to get some counseling. You have been through a traumatic, life-changing abuse and you need help to heal from that. Here is a link to some resources: https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones That being said, your relationship with God can help you get through this. Because what you pour in, is what pours out. So, break the vicious cycle of wanting to watch porn by reading your Bible, memorizing Scripture (like Phil 4:8), listening to Christian music, sermons, podcasts, and joining a Bible study. The more good things you “pour in” to your soul, the easier it will be to let go of the sex and porn that holds you hostage. Let God’s love fill your heart to overflowing, so that you long to glorify Him in all you do.

My mom & dad are on the verge of divorce after many, many years of my dad verbally & psychologically abusing my mom & constantly threatening to leave her. I have been praying for some kind of hope that no man will separate what God has joined, because I know how much divorce breaks God’s heart. But with how horrible everything has been in my family, could God be separating us as part of His plan to heal & transform us?

Divorce does break God’s heart, but so does abuse. Abuse is not a part of God’s plan for marriage. The marriage vows call them to love and cherish each other until death. Your dad has broken that vow repeatedly. Not only does your mom need to get out of that relationship, you all need to go into counseling. Verbal and psychological abuse--even if you’ve just witnessed it--is devastating to your soul. You all need to heal from that. I do believe God wants you to get out from under your father’s influence, so you can be transformed by your Heavenly Father’s healing love. Don’t cling to a hope in an ideal family. I know God can transform hearts and can change your dad and you should pray for that, but sometimes He doesn’t. If your dad isn’t repentant and isn’t seeking God, it’s probably not going to happen. Please seek counseling from school or your pastor or a therapist, so you can heal from the trauma he has caused you and the rest of your family.

I am so unhappy where the Lord has our family. I desire to do more with my life, try new jobs & to be in a better community. How do I know when it is time to leave? Should I be applying or is that seeking my own desires & not what the Lord wants?

There is nothing sinful about seeking a new job or new community or new church family. It’s not an issue of being selfish. God gives us lots of wonderful options and opportunities and as long as those things don’t cause us to sin, He is happy for you to take advantage of new opportunities. The Holy Spirit may be nudging you to do something different. That may be why you’re feeling discontent. If the Lord doesn’t want you to get a new job or move, He’ll close those doors and you won’t. So don’t worry about that. God’s will for you is to glorify Him in all that you do. And you can do that anywhere, in any job.

I have a question about Heaven. In Heaven, will we know our loved ones? I always hear/read/think you’ll see someone again (if they’ve accepted Jesus) when you get to Heaven. Or that they’re watching over us. But I’ve also had people say you won’t know family/loved ones because then you would be sad in Heaven if you see them on earth hurting or if they’re not in Heaven, & there’s no sadness in heaven. I know our bodies will be different, but will we still know our mom/husband/kids/friends when we’re all in heaven? And for those that have passed, are they in Heaven now or in a waiting place until the 2nd coming?

We will absolutely know our loved ones! We will know and be known by everyone. Remember at the Mount of Transfiguration (Matt. 17:1-9), Peter, James and John recognized Moses and Elijah! They had never met them. So, there must have been something about their souls that revealed who they were. In heaven, we will not be encumbered by this world or worldly thinking. There is no marriage or giving in marriage in heaven (Matt. 22:30), so that means we will love differently. In a way that, as humans, now, we can’t really wrap our heads around. We will love like brothers and sisters and live in perfect harmony. We will worship without distraction, serve God without tiring, love and fellowship without fear, understand without having to be taught and rest without boredom. It’s beyond imagining. If we can see our loved ones still on earth, then we will see them with the eyes of eternity and not grieve for them or be sad because they are sad. Our perspective will be so different. As far as whether or not heaven starts at the second coming or immediately at death, I say, yes. God is yesterday, today and tomorrow. Our human concept of time is ridiculous to Him. So, I think it’s both. But Jesus said that He has gone to prepare a place for us, and in His Father’s house there are many rooms. So, I believe that Heaven is an actual place. He also told the thief on the cross that he would be with Him in paradise that day. But He didn’t rise until the third day and He didn’t ascend for forty days--so, again I say, it’s both, because God controls time. And in the second coming, He will bring Heaven to Earth and He will shine so bright that we will no longer need the sun, (Rev. 22:5) and it will never be dark again. That doesn’t sound like the descriptions of heaven, which makes me think that’s going to be a new heaven--which is actually how it’s described. The main point I want to convey, though, is that you don’t have to worry. Worry is worldly. And you won’t have worldly cares anymore. So, live like this is just a rest stop on your journey home to heaven where you will live surrounded by love in paradise.  

Is it truly possible to stay married after your husband has cheated? I know forgiveness is possible but, can a marriage truly survive it?

A marriage can survive it, if the person who committed adultery is truly repentant and has changed. And both parties want to heal their broken relationship. Forgiveness and healing take time. Only God can wash away sin in the blink of an eye. We are human and our broken hearts take time to heal. Adultery is a clear broken vow. We take a marriage oath to forsake all others. As Christians, that means God first and our spouse second--even before our kids. Because we can only truly love our kids by showing them the beautiful image of God’s love in our marriage. Once trust is broken, it has to be re-built. You have to choose each other every day. You have to work to communicate. Even over-communicate! We are called to love others more than we love ourselves. To love them the way God loves us. But we are selfish and sinful and it’s impossible without God at the root of our desire to try. Attend a marriage conference like Weekend to Remember. Go to counseling to learn better communication skills. Do a couples Bible study. God hates divorce, but there are allowances in Scripture for it, including adultery, because He knows how weak and selfish we are and how hard it is for us to forgive. He wants us to be loved and to love our spouses with the kind of love He has for us. I hope you can re-ignite that kind of love and save your marriage.  

For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mom. I have had two miscarriages & I’m struggling to understand why & keep my faith in God. Our relationship hasn’t been the same since & I’ve never felt more distant from Him.

I’m so very sorry for your losses. I have suffered two miscarriages, as well, and even with three other children, I turned from God in anger because I couldn’t understand why. I even stopped praying completely. I figured He must not be listening anyway. So, I understand to some extent how you feel. It hurts so bad and it seems like, if it’s God’s will, then He must not love me. But the problem in that way of thinking is that we assume we know what’s best--not God. We put ourselves in the place of God by thinking we know what’s best for us because we know what we want. God does know the desires of our hearts. But sometimes in this fallen world, our broken bodies are not capable of sustaining life. Or maybe the child that was conceived had some genetic issues that caused him/her to die. We are blessed with amazing fertility specialists and maybe they have some options that you haven’t tried, but maybe God wants you to pursue adoption or foster care at this time. Who knows? The point is that He is God and we are not. He can see the big picture. We can’t. We may never know WHY, so there’s no point in asking that question. If we do, then we also have to ask, Why did He save me? Why does he love me? Why me and not my friend? We can’t know. We think, I don’t deserve to suffer this way, or I deserve to be a mom--but do we? We don’t deserve any of our blessings. It’s all about grace. And Jesus definitely didn’t deserve to take my punishment on the cross.If life was “fair,” I’d be going to hell. And as hard as that is to focus on when you are grieving, it’s really the only thing you can focus on to get you through it. We are called to fix our eyes on Jesus. To get our joy from our relationship with Him--not this world, not our husbands, and not our children. Sure, they can bring us some joy. But this world is temporary. And our relationship with God is eternal. Don’t let your anger make you sink into the crashing waves. Fix your eyes on Jesus and walk on the water to Him. (Matt. 14:22-33) Two songs that really spoke to my heart in the depths of my grieving were Never Alone by Barlow Girl and Held by Natalie Grant. And now I would add Thy Will by Hillary Scott. I hope these lyrics can pull you back on your feet and point you to the foot of the cross. 

How do you work through conflict with a brother/sister in Christ, when you’ve done everything you can possibly do on your side? How can God redeem a situation that seems to have no end because of the other person?

If you’ve done everything you can do: repent, ask forgiveness, speak your heart (preferably with a third party mediator present) and there is no reconciliation because the other person refuses to forgive--that’s on him/her. All you can do is continue to pray that the Holy Spirit will soften his/her heart and show him/her how this conflict needs to be resolved so that it doesn’t become a stumbling block. If the other person has been hurt by you, it will take time for him/her to heal and forgive. Trust will have to be re-built.