Daughter Dilemmas, Week 51

Welcome to week fifty-one of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

I'm a young Christian girl who has been growing in her faith a lot recently & am interested in a guy who I serve with. We are both strong in our faith & are good friends. Would this be an appropriate place for me to pursue him?

Absolutely. It’s the best place to find like-minded people, growing in their relationship with God. Depending on what ministry you are serving in, there may be rules against dating each other. If you’re worried about that, talk to the ministry leader or pastor.

I’m so confused in life. I feel like I’m destined for far greater things. However, I’m at such a low in my life dealing with major depression & procrastination. I love the Lord so much but it’s hard focusing on Him where my mind is so clogged with thoughts about everything & anything. I always focus on my future too much to the point I don’t focus on today & each day is getting worse. I love singing, I’m on the worship team, but I’m not confident. I have dreams being such a worship singer, but I get put off sometimes with my lack of confidence.

Dear sister, you are fearfully and wonderfully made and loved dearly by our heavenly Father. But depression is an actual chemical disorder in the brain. I believe counseling could help you tremendously. Talking about your anxiety with someone helps you put it in perspective. Here are some online resources: https://www.verywellmind.com/best-online-help-for-depression-4691259 There are also over the counter remedies like CBD oil, that many people have found relief with, and there are anti-depressants. I caution you to try everything else first, since our brains become chemically dependent on those types of medications, but sometimes they are life-changing and necessary. Please, get help. You don’t have to fight depression alone.Keep singing. Your voice raised in praise is a beautiful gift to the world and to the Lord. God will use your gift for His glory whether you have confidence or not. Remember Moses, who begged God to send someone else because he didn’t have the confidence to speak to Pharaoh. God uses us in unexpected ways. He will grow your confidence. One of the ways He does that is through Bible study. Physically going to a Bible study where you can fellowship with other believers and are held accountable to do reading and answer questions ahead of time is the best option for your situation. If you don’t have a class at your church, look to the community for Bible Study Fellowship or Community Bible study groups. 

How can I wait for His answers when everything around me is going too fast?

Life does come at us fast. I can’t believe it’s already time for Thanksgiving again. I don’t know what answers you’re waiting on, but I believe the answer is yes! God gives us lots of amazing options in this world and as long as whatever we want to do doesn’t cause us to sin or neglect our relationship with Him, then He is happy for us to live life to its fullest and strive to glorify Him in all we do. Taking time to “Be Still” so you can “hear” God clearly, may not be possible for you in this season of life. So, find a verse, like Proverbs 3:5-6, or Lamentations 3:25-26, or Jeremiah 29: 11-12 or Phil. 4:4-7. Write it out on a note card and keep it by your bed. Read through it every morning, then thank God for this day and your many blessings, ask forgiveness for your sins, and ask that he direct your path. Repeat this at bedtime. It only takes a couple minutes and it will really bless your day and give you peace.  

My boyfriend has a past & is no longer a virgin. He struggles with it a lot & tears himself down because of his mistake. How can I help him?

Remind him that he is a new creation in Christ. All his sins are forgiven and forgotten. Because of this, he can declare a secondary virginity and promise God and himself that he won’t have sex (again) until marriage. God doesn’t hold our past against us. When the Holy Spirit shows us our sin, sometimes it’s hard to forgive ourselves, but as long as we “go and sin no more” (John 8:11) by trying to glorify God in all we do, then we can let go of that guilt.

I am feeling convicted over the possibility that I am committing sins & not recognizing when I do, therefore not asking for forgiveness. I love the Lord & I don’t want to sin, but I honestly don’t even know all of the different ways to sin. There’s the obvious ones, like not lying, but sins that may just occur in my thoughts or heart aren’t as easy to recognize. I assume as I continue to study Scripture & grow deeper with the Lord, my awareness for sin will grow as well. But I fear that in the meantime God sees me just living in unrepentant sin.

Our sin nature causes us to sin all the time. (Even Paul: Romans 7:14-20) God knows your heart and He is working in you to make you more like Jesus every day. Because you are a new creation, you are not supposed to fixate on guilt. We’ve been set free from that. We’re called to fix our eyes on the cross and praise Him for the forgiveness we have through Christ. But if you feel convicted, when you pray, ask for forgiveness for all the things you’ve done, and all the things you left undone; the things known and unknown. Then, ask Him to reveal any sin that you are unaware of and ask for the strength and wisdom through the Holy Spirit to overcome it. You are right that as you grow in your relationship with Him, your awareness of sin will grow. But I don’t believe God holds sin we are not even aware of against us. Give thanks that because of Jesus, the punishment is paid, and we can be forgiven from all our sins--known and unknown!   

I was going to get married to a man I dated for 5 years but broke up with him 3 months before the wedding. Reasons were because he was not close to God & he was mentally & verbally abusive. 7 months have passed & he has since reached out to me to tell me he misses me & that he has changed. I do miss him, but how I do know if this is the man God has for me or if I should give him another chance?

Actions speak louder than words. People say they’ve changed all the time, but you need to see for yourself through his actions if he’s truly changed. If God has done a work in his heart, then it may be so you can give him a second chance. But if he’s still not close to God and has just tried to stop being abusive, that’s not enough. We need Holy Spirit intervention for those types of big changes in our way of dealing with people, and changes made on our own are often temporary. I think you’ll be able to tell the difference.

I've been struggling with feeling unworthy of the love of God. How do I accept the love God freely offers me?

Don’t look back. Don’t look down. Look up! You are a new creation in Christ. The old has passed away. The sins you’ve committed in the past are washed away by the precious blood of Christ. The new sins you commit each day are forgiven and forgotten when you repent. You are worthy! Because Christ is worthy! He is your kinsman redeemer. When God looks at us, he sees Christ. Jesus stands in and says, She is mine! I have redeemed her! None of us deserve it, but don’t get caught up in that way of thinking. Memorize Scripture like 1 John 4:18, Gal. 2:20, John 3:16, John 15:13, Psalm 86:15, Romans 5:8. There are so many verses about God’s love. Fill your mind with them. Listen to Christian music. That way you change the narrative in your head from, “I’m not worthy,” to “Thank you, God, for choosing me and loving me.” Let Him pour out His great love on you, not because you deserve it, but because He wants to, because you are precious to Him--since the moment you were conceived. Think of it this way: do our pets deserve our love? They’re cute, but they tear things up and poop on the rug. We love them anyway. They love us, because we chose them and we loved them first. Not because they deserve it, but because they bring us joy. Bring God joy by living to glorify Him in all you do. 

I have been praying & struggling to hear from God clearly, & I want to obey & not make a decision out of my own might.

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 9 months now. I am 31, he is 34. He is passionate about Jesus, changing, growing to be better. When we began dating, he started coming back to Jesus after many years of an "of the world" lifestyle. Over time, he has shared of his deep past. I’ve seen God do a mighty work in him. In August, God revealed a dream to me, which turned out to be related to news that broke me. He had a one night stand.

Do I stay or walk away, since we are not married? I know he has demons & God is working. I don’t know if that means I should stay. Any advice is helpful.

Only God knows his heart, but you know whether or not he is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Can you imagine a future without him? Do you long to be with him? Is he the first person you want to tell your good or bad news to? Does he feel that same way about you? That’s what forever love looks like. If you love him, and can forgive him--and he doesn’t continue to hurt you with his behavior--then, your relationship should be strong enough to withstand this betrayal. But only you can decide that. God wants what’s best for you. He wants your marriage to be a reflection of His own love for you. Read through 1 Cor. 13:4-7. Replace the word “love” with God and “it” with he. That’s how big God’s love is for you. Then, replace “love” with your boyfriend’s name. Does it work? Does he strive to love you like that? Do you strive to love him like that? That’s the kind of love that God wants for you.

I haven't been comfortable with the way I look for so many years now, & it's starting to affect my relationships. I feel hopeless & I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like God isn't there for me. Is there a possibility of hope and happiness?

Oh, sister, I’m so sorry you feel that way. Our culture is so focused on looks--it’s ridiculous. But what is defined as beautiful one week may get called over-the-top the next. And people can be so mean. But true beauty is inside. You are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God. See that beauty in yourself. Let that light shine out of you. Hold on to the confidence that you are a child of the One True King! You’d be amazed how confidence can change your appearance to others. Hope and happiness can too! We are called to find our hope and happiness in Jesus. He loved us so much that He died for us--He took the punishment we deserve for our sins--so that we won’t die. We get to live on in heaven. That is our hope. The circumstances of this world are just momentary troubles when we consider eternal life in heaven. Grow in your relationship with God through prayer and Bible study. That will grow your confidence, hope and happiness as well. Because when we fix our eyes on how well-loved we are, that joy and light shines out of us and transforms our appearance. Live like you’re beautiful--because in my eyes, and the eyes of other Christians, and the eyes of the Father--YOU ARE!! 

My family has had a lot of history with eating disorders- such as, my sister nearly dying from anorexia. I've really been struggling as I have no self-control when it comes to food - like I eat food when I'm anxious or stressed & then I put weight on & hate my body. I realize this is probably an eating disorder but I do not want to talk to my family, even though they are Christians, because I feel super judged & like they will think I'm just making it all up, as I have a reputation of being "perfect".

I feel like the lack of self-control has become a huge issue & is stealing my joy & affecting my walk with God. Just feeling alone & confused. Any advice?

Wow. You are very mature to be able to step back and recognize that this is a problem, and it has to do with self-control and not just eating. A lot of eating disorders stem from this desire to control our lives. It’s so easy to feel out of control. Overeating is a way to give in, and let go of control. And when you’ve been trying so hard to hold yourself together and be “perfect” your brain needs that mental release of control. Anorexia is usually the opposite: feeling the need to control every bite because they feel out of control of their life. But as you’ve seen with your sister, anorexia can be life-threatening. Overeating can too, it just takes longer. The first thing you should do is talk to someone. Maybe a counselor at school? Or a pastor at your church? No one can just try harder and stop binge eating. It’s an emotional release that can become addictive. So, just like a drug addict, you need help to stop. You could also try an online group:  https://oa.org/newcomers/how-do-i-start/virtual-services/ Second, I would recommend that you find something else that gives you that same release--kick-boxing, painting, hiking, dancing, writing--there are lots of healthy alternatives. And third, remember who you are. You are a child of the One True King. He loves you. Every part of you. And HE is in control of everything. You don’t have to be. It’s not your job to make sure everyone thinks you’re the good child. It’s not your job to keep the peace. It’s your job to fix your eyes on Jesus--your Savior--and try to find your joy in Him and the fact that He loved you so much that He died for you. Love Him back by trying to glorify Him in all you do.   

I have two small children with a man who is very far from God, mocks Christians, & was very narcissistic & emotionally abusive to me for the years we were together. I forgive him & want to encourage him to get healthy & seek God. I want to have a family. I also don't want to be destroyed again. I believe God can work miracles! I don't know if I am dealing with Stockholm's Syndrome or if God telling me to keep faith & hope for my family to be whole.

If he mocks Christians, then he is not even seeking a relationship with God. It’s wonderful that you have forgiven him, but I doubt he has asked for your forgiveness. It doesn’t sound like he is repentant. And that means he’ll probably continue to hurt and abuse you. What’s worse is that it will hurt your children--even if the abuse isn’t directed at them. They see it. God can work miracles, but in the meantime you have to be realistic. You should get away from him unless or until you see actual change in his actions/heart. Don’t believe his words. Look at his actions. It’s going to take a lot of courage and strength to leave him, but God will give it to you if you ask. He doesn’t want you to be “unequally yoked” in marriage, meaning He doesn’t want you to marry a non-Christian especially if he’s abusive. God loves you and He wants you and your children to be truly loved well. Don’t hang on with faith and hope that this man will change. Trust in God’s love and grow in your relationship with Him through prayer and Bible study so that you can have the strength to do what needs to be done for yourself and your children.