Daughter Dilemmas, Week 52

Welcome to week fifty-two of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

What is your advice for fasting? I am 18-years-old, so I know I should be able to do it, but I never make it a full day. I always cave & eat at dinner or earlier, sometimes due to tiredness & nausea. My friend says to read the Bible when we’re hungry because it’s our daily bread so I’ve done that, but is there anything else you know of that would help me?

Not everyone is cut out for full fasting. The focus of fasting should be to give up something that you love in this world and replace the time you would have spent doing that thing with prayer or Scripture reading to remind you that we are not supposed to love things/food like we love God. So, you could fast from anything. It doesn’t have to be food. If you’re fasting to grow closer in your relationship with God, you could fast from TV or your phone, anything. If you want to fast from food, fast from specific foods--your favorites, so that it is a sacrifice since Christ sacrificed for you. Or choose to fast from breakfast or lunch or dinner--or two of the three. You may have a high metabolism that needs fuel. I, personally, have never been able to go completely without food for a whole day. Like you, it makes me weak and sick. But I have fasted from sugar completely. I have fasted from TV. Yes, Scripture is our daily bread but our bodies are created differently, and not eating at all can be unhealthy for some. The point is sacrificing worldly things to grow in relationship with God, not harming yourself physically. Relying on God instead of food is a great goal and I admire people who can do it, but Scripture doesn’t mandate it. It shows us that often when a big decision was made or there was a need for earnest prayer about a specific person or event then people, even Jesus, fasted and prayed. It does not show them randomly fasting. It was always purposeful. So, define the scope of your fast. What is the reason? What is the goal? Choose what you will fast from with that in mind. That way you will grow spiritually and not harm yourself physically.

I was in a relationship with a boy (a non-believer) for almost a year. Six months into our relationship things started falling apart for us. He started doing marijuana & now spends his entire day playing video games. He started smoking as well, even though he knew I couldn't tolerate that habit. He became physically & mentally abusive at the end, gaslighting me for every mistake he made. I ended things after that. I always listened to sermons & prayed every night for the Holy Spirit to touch him. In doing so, I realized only God can touch hearts &, no matter how good my intentions are, I cannot ever be the one to change him- only God.

After months of tears & prayers, I've started to heal. But I still struggle with the idea that maybe he'll come back in the future. He is the only man I have ever dated & I gave him everything, thinking he would be my husband. I don't know what I need to do. Should I let go, forget & move on? Should I continue praying for him even if it hurts? Help.

I think you know what is best, so I will affirm what you already have done and acknowledged. You absolutely cannot change him. Only the Holy Spirit can do that. The guy that you loved may have been built up in your head to be something he never really was. Meaning, you trusted in his words instead of his actions and built your love around the idea of him. You gave your heart and body to him and now your regret makes you feel like you have to find a way to make it work with him. Remember this: “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9, ESV). “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5, ESV). The best thing you can do is let him go, repent of your sexual sin, and trust God going forward. Declare a secondary virginity and promise yourself and God that starting now you will not have sex before marriage. Forgive yourself and move on. God has someone so much better for you. Trust in that and work on your relationship with Him, so that your deceitful heart won’t get the better of you again. 

What are your thoughts on tattoos?

My personal thoughts are, “Ouch!” Too painful for my taste. But there is nothing wrong with getting a tattoo as long as it isn’t vulgar. Old Testament Scripture (Lev. 19:28) forbid tattoos because it was a practice of some heathen people and God didn’t want His chosen to be associated with them. The laws that Moses gave the Israelites (other than the 10 commandments) no longer apply today because they were meant to set them apart and we have been set apart through Christ. We can’t pull out that one verse in Leviticus and ignore the rest. (There are a LOT of strange laws in Leviticus, like, you can’t wear a garment with two different fabrics combined.) Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross did away with those laws, because He fulfilled the law by making us His holy and chosen people. But we are called to glorify God in all we do and we are cautioned against the sin of vanity. So, I believe a tattoo that doesn’t scream, “look at me” or isn’t vulgar or sacrilegious, is not sinful. 

I have been close with God before & know the wonders He can put upon us, but after my parents split 2 years ago I felt like it was my fault & God was punishing me for it. I stopped going to church & blocked everyone out of my life. I want to get closer to God again but I'm scared to do so. I found this account hoping that I could find His love again.

I don’t know why you feel like your parent’s divorce is your fault, but I can pretty much guarantee you that it was not. And it absolutely was not punishment from God!! God doesn’t work that way. God is love. There is no sin in Him, nor does He ever cause us to sin. Bad things happen in this fallen world because we are human and we sin. But praise Jesus because He has taken our punishment for us!! The standard to enter heaven is perfection, but none of us qualify, so God sent His Son to live a perfect, sinless life, so that He could be the once for all time sacrifice for our sin. (Remember how they used to repeatedly offer animal sacrifices for their sins? Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross did away with all that.) Now we just have to repent and believe and ask the Holy Spirit to enter our hearts. Does that mean nothing bad will happen to us after we do that? NO! It means that WHEN bad things happen, we have to remember that we are chosen and loved so much that Jesus suffered for us, and find strength in that. Sometimes God uses those bad things to make us draw closer to Him. This world and all of its problems are temporary. We’re just here to learn to love Him, so that we can go on to live in heaven forever where there will be no tears, where the lion will sleep beside the lamb, where there will be no marriage, only brotherly/sisterly love, and so much joy that we can’t even wrap our human minds around it. Don’t be afraid to accept Christ into your heart. Embrace the Christian life so that you will find your joy in Him and won’t be broken by the trials that we must go through because of the evil in this world.  

I don’t want to save myself for marriage anymore. I don’t want to have sex with a bunch of people, but I don’t want to feel restricted when the time comes & I want to have sex. I know I should honor God & wait, but I don’t have the desire to wait anymore. 

Why do you think you have lost the desire to obey God? Could it be the influence of this sex-saturated culture repeatedly telling you that you should do what makes you happy? I think so. First of all, God, through Scripture, has given us specific sins to avoid and this is one of them. This is not arbitrary. It is for our good and God’s glory. Our good, because there are consequences like STDs and pregnancy and intimacy issues and memories of other sexual experiences that we will bring to our marriage bed and could corrupt it. For His glory, in that all that we do to love and obey him sets us apart from this culture as His chosen. We all sin all the time but if we are truly saved, are hearts long to obey God and over the course of our lives, we get better and better at that because of the Holy Spirit’s work in sanctifying us. Our pastor said in a sermon last week, “The Christian life is like riding a bicycle. If we stop pedaling and moving forward, we start wobbling and might fall off.” You seem to be wobbling right now and I’m worried that you haven’t truly had your heart changed by the Holy Spirit and if you give in to the temptation, you will “fall off” entirely and never come to find your joy in Christ’s saving work on the cross. If you have no desire to love and obey God, then I beg you to pray that the Holy Spirit will open your eyes to the truth that you are a sinner and you deserve to go to hell, but because Christ died on the cross, He took that punishment for you, and now, if you repent and believe, you get to have eternal life. Repent, believe and live, beloved daughter of delight! Don’t believe in this world and the pleasures it holds out to you, that ends in death. Only a saving faith in Jesus brings eternal life.     

Before coming to Christ, I was a stripper. I also did porn & had sex with many people. I got saved a few years ago & completely gave my life to the Lord. Now, I am a NEW creation! I am married to a wonderful man of God, but we have very little sex. He wants it, but I lack the desire for it. What can I do to grow a desire for it? I feel so bad & I really do want a healthy sex life with him. Any advice?

I’m so thankful that you had the courage to share your story with us. This is one of the main reasons we are supposed to avoid porn and masturbation and sex before marriage. This lack of desire is a result of your brain being unable to bond with your husband because of having sex with “many people” before marriage. And, probably, because it became a job to you, when it was meant to be a special, precious gift for your husband. I think that it’s going to take some time, but you have to change your way of thinking that sex is for your own pleasure. That is what the world teaches. Sex inside a Christian marriage is for pleasing your spouse. It’s an intimate way to show your love for him. It is also a way for him to show his love for you. When you look at it from that perspective, it becomes something meaningful instead of just something fun and pleasurable. Purposefully take time for sex. Take all your clothes off because you want to please him, not because you feel like ripping your clothes off. Hopefully, that will happen sometimes too. But being like the former “sexaholic” you were, is not the goal. Because that was empty. Foster a desire for pleasing your husband and showing love for him and, over time, that desire will build back your other desires and it will stop feeling like a chore, but instead something you look forward to because of how it enhances your love. 

How do you cope with grief after losing a sibling? I lost my 18-year-old sister 8 months ago & it has just been a constant battle with me & my mother. 

I’m so sorry for your loss, sister. Grief is a process. Someone even broke it down into five parts: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I’m not sure that applies to Christians, because we have the certainty of heaven to keep us from despair. But if our loved one didn’t know the Lord, it is a heartbreaking loss. I don’t know what your sister’s situation was, but either way, any death that happens so young seems meaningless. The meaninglessness of our loved one’s death can be the most painful part. We want to shake our fist at God and scream, “It’s not fair!” But in a fair world, Jesus wouldn’t have died for me, so I have to trust that because He is God and I am not, He has a plan that includes this loss, and somehow, it’s a good plan that will be for His glory and my good. I encourage you to focus on the beautiful, happy memories that you have of your sister and the joy that she brought to your life. Her life had meaning because of the way it touched others’ lives. Focusing on that meaning is how we put one foot in front of the other until our pain when we think of them turns to a smile as we remember them. Think of it as a way to honor her. She would want you to remember her with joy, not wallow in your sadness forever. And don’t think this is God turning His back on you. He’s holding you tightly in His hand while the crashing waves are trying to drag you down. Listen to Never Alone by Barlow Girl, Held by Natalie Grant, and Thy Will by Hillary Scott. Those songs are like a salve to the grieving soul.

I have been working so much at a job that I love, but it has started to become my priority. When I first started, I made sure to take Sundays off, but as time has gone on I have started working on Sundays. Now, I feel myself backsliding & drawing away from God. What do I do?

The first step is admitting that you’ve got a problem. You’ve done that and you’ve reached out for advice. So, I’d say you’ve started to turn things around already. We are called to glorify God in all that we do. Work that we love is satisfying and can consume us if we let ourselves forget that we would have nothing without God. Maybe it’s time to remember that and focus on being thankful by giving back to God through rest on Sunday, tithing, and prayer. We need to meet regularly with other believers and repent of our sin and praise God for His sacrifice and our forgiveness to keep our heads on straight. We are meant to find our joy in Him, not this world, and that includes our work in this world.

I am a girl in my late teens & have been a Christian all my life. For the most part, my life is pretty normal- except for this big burden I have been carrying in the dark. I have only ever opened up to one close friend of mine about this, but I have been struggling with pornography & masturbation for four years now. I feel so ashamed & in the dark about this. Almost every prayer I have prayed regarding this has felt...empty. I feel distant from God & deep down, I keep thinking nothing can change me anymore. Please help me see the light of God's goodness & love once again, even if it is through a very small crack. 

Dear sweet sister, you are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God, and He loves you so much. He gave up His Son to death on a cross so that He could forgive you of ALL your sins. We all sin all the time every single day. In God’s eyes, no sin is worse than another. But the sins that hold us tightly in their grip, pull us away from God. What happens is, we put our need/desire/want ahead of our love for God. We love ourselves more than God. The tighter the grip of the sin the further away God feels. That’s where you are right now. Tightly held by sin. You have to treat this like a drug addiction. Because your brain is addicted to the “feel good” chemicals that it releases when you have an orgasm. So, first you have to get rid of all access to porn. Everything. Even your phone. Lock it down. Give it to your mom, or a friend, and only use it for emergency calls or texts. Now, replace the time that you spent pouring that porn into your soul, with something healthy and clean and wholesome, that glorifies God, like Christian music or “G” rated movies, or exercise, or Bible reading/study, or memorizing verses like Phil. 4:8. Call your friend when you’re tempted. Pray when you’re tempted. Get up and go outside when you’re tempted. Get a calendar and mark off every day you abstain/don’t do it. Give yourself a treat, like a milkshake or a new game or book, at the end of a week, then two weeks, then a month. Every time you do it, though, you have to start over counting. Rewarding your success will be a great incentive. Eventually, as you start pouring in good things to your soul, your longing for the bad things will go away. Remember that we are called to glorify God in all we do. Watching porn and masturbating is just about the furthest thing from that. It can also lead to perverted and dangerous sex practices later in life. So, grab on to your faith in God with both hands and pull yourself out of the grip of this sin, knowing that you are precious to and loved by God and He wants so much better for you. 

In the past (& some days still), I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, self-hatred and deprecation, bad thoughts, & lies. I’ve had several health struggles & emotional struggles too. Lately, I have been struggling under the weight of the thought, "Why do I always seem to be breaking?" It's like every time I am in a good situation, I have a breakdown, discover a new (or am reminded of an old) deep-set issue, or I get hurt physically. I cannot figure out why I always seem to be breaking down or messing up. I have faith in God & hope He is taking me through this to bring Him glory, but I don't know why I always seem to be in these deep battles with lies & hurt. I am in such a good environment, I have such amazing people around me, & I am a part of a wonderful church, but I always seem to be struggling within myself. Will there ever come a time when the attacks are not so deep and constant, or should I try to be content always fighting them? 

It is wonderful that you have a support system in place with amazing people and a wonderful church. It is also wonderful that you are secure in your faith and are trusting that God will bring you through this. That is more than half the struggle. A lot of people don’t even have that. That being said, please get counseling. Having a trained therapist (hopefully a Christian one) to talk to weekly could radically change your life. There are also over the counter things to try like CBD oil and passionflower which help tremendously with anxiety and depression. And, if necessary, there are anti-depressants that your doctor can prescribe. Sometimes our brain chemistry just doesn’t work right and God gave us good doctors and medications for when that happens. There’s no shame in it. Depression is not something you can pray away. Yes, we are supposed to find our joy in Christ, but we live in a broken world and, through no fault of our own, our pitiful human bodies don’t always work right. So, please get help, so that you can get rid of the bad thoughts and focus on the wonderful people, the church family and the faith you have in God to start living your best life bringing glory to Him in all you do.

How can I be the best wife possible without getting lost in serving my husband?

When you love someone more than you love yourself, you are modeling Christ’s love, and that’s a good thing. But making that love an idol in your heart, coming before God, is when there is a problem. Your marriage should be like a triangle. God at the top point, and you and your husband on the bottom corners, opposite each other. This triangle does NOT have equal sides. If it did, it would be too easy to flip our husbands or ourselves to the top. But see what that does? It puts me or my husband in the place of God. That’s what we do with idols. We put them in the place that God should be. We love them more than God. To avoid this, we have to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus. Our only true value and worth comes from belonging to Him. In order to keep God at the head of your marriage, you should pray together, worship together, maybe even do a couples Bible study. Pray for your husband daily. This is a good reminder that he needs prayer because he is not God. He is a fallible, sinful human who needs your love and encouragement, but not your worship. But sister, I think you’ve got this. If you’re already asking the question, then you’re aware that it could be a problem--which is half the battle. It usually only happens when we forget to guard against it.