Daughter Dilemmas, Week 53

Welcome to week fifty-three of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

How do I combat the worry that I will be single forever?

Every single person worries about that. But God has a plan for your future and He knows the desires of your heart. So, lay that worry down. He wants you to find your completeness and joy in Him first, to secure your heart in Him, before He raises up someone for you to love. So, focus on growing in your relationship with Him now, and then your heart and mind will be ready to receive and give love to your future husband without making him an idol because you’ve longed for him for so long.

As a new Christian, how do I talk about God & pray aloud without feeling both weird & unqualified?

Everyone feels weird and unqualified at first. It’s one of those things that takes time and practice. If you remember that God knows your heart and he knows every thought you have and every word you speak before you speak it, then that takes the pressure off. Ask God specifically to give you the right words when you talk about Him to others and that He would guard your tongue against any false teaching. Only the Holy Spirit can open someone’s ears to hear the truth of the Gospel, so pray that the Holy Spirit uses you to speak truth. When praying out loud, start small. Jesus gave us the example of the Lord’s prayer and it follows the acronym someone came up with P.R.A.Y. P=Praise Him first for all of your blessings. R=Repent of your sin. A=Ask for what you need. Tell Him all the burdens of your heart. Lift up those who need your prayers. Y=Yield. Let it go. You gave it to Him to deal with as He sees fit. Yield to His power and infinite knowledge, love and mercy.He may not answer your prayer in the way that you want. He may not answer it in the time frame that you need. But His timing is perfect and He always knows what we need to go through in order to love Him more fully and that’s His ultimate goal. Never be embarrassed to speak from your heart. Your brothers and sisters in Christ were once new to the faith too. They know how awkward it feels and won’t judge you

I have two moles on my face since birth. So they accompany me all my life. In the last few years (I am 17 now) they have grown & now stick out, but they are not malicious. I feel very ugly with them & wonder if I should remove them. Is it bad because I blame God for His creation not being perfect? My parents would be very disappointed if I removed them because they know and love me with it. But I'm so ambivalent- how can I overlook the secular ideal of beauty? I'm so afraid of what other people think about me.

We are taught that beauty on the inside is more important than beauty on the outside, and that is true, but what about when the way we look on the outside keeps us from feeling beautiful on the inside? That may be what’s happening to you. We are cautioned against the sin of vanity, but it is my opinion, that “everything in moderation” applies. If someone has multiple plastic surgeries, obsessively diets, overspends on clothes and beauty products that person has made vanity an idol. And that is when it crosses the line into sin. Just like, it’s fine to have a glass of wine, but it’s sinful to get drunk. If someone has a couple of moles removed to make them feel more beautiful and more self-confident, I don’t think that’s wrong. It seems to me that feeling self-conscious about your moles all the time is a form of vanity too, so if you get them removed, you’ll be less prone to obsessing over your appearance, and less vain overall. You are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God. That means we have a soul that shines His light. But ever since the Fall, there is sin and death and weeds and imperfection. Don’t blame God for that. He is perfection. He doesn’t cause us to have disease or to not be what society considers to be beautiful--that’s a product of sin in the world. So, if your moles are causing you to sin, by making you angry at God and making you too worried about your appearance, then maybe getting them removed will help you grow closer to God. Maybe you can approach the topic with your parents from that perspective.

I am in despair. I have been depressed for 1 year.  I can’t tell the reason to my family, because they have their own problems & I don’t want to concern them. I can’t tell my friend because I’m ashamed of what I did. But I continuously did something that seemingly brought shame to my family (in an attempt to make up for a mistake). Lately, it has been so hard for me to cope with it. What can I do? I feel guilty to myself & to my parents. It has been so hard to the point where I cannot seem to find happiness in my life, I feel no motivation in my life & suicidal scenarios repeat in my head (but I have not really attempted it yet).

I’m so sorry it has taken so long for us to respond to your question. I hope that things have improved for you. Your question is difficult to answer since I don’t know what you did or how it brought shame to your family when you tried to fix what you did. But, sweet sister, if you’ve been depressed for over a year, you need to get some help. Especially if you are having suicidal thoughts. Please talk to someone! A friend, a counselor, anyone. Here is a link to a hotline: https://psychcentral.com/lib/depression-hotline-numbers/  Sometimes talking it all out with someone when you’ve been holding it in for so long is such a relief that it can give you hope again and turn things around. But you may need a therapist and you may need prescription medication to help you cope. Depression is often a chemical imbalance in your brain. You can’t pray it away or try harder to think positive. It’s not your fault. When your brain isn’t working properly, you don’t have control over that. God loves you and if you repent of your sin, He will forgive you. Then, you have to forgive yourself. Holding on to that guilt, is destructive. Jesus died so that you can be forgiven, let your heart be glad that you don’t have to feel guilty. And maybe, after some counseling, you’ll be able to have a conversation with your family and ask for their forgiveness too. 

My boyfriend & I are doing long distance & right now we have been in our longest stretch of time without seeing each other. It’s hard but I feel like it’d be easier if we both had a stronger relationship with God to have a foundation on. I want us to stay close in connection so we’re not rooted in insecurity. Is there a way to help with that besides just the classic response “read the Bible”? Because I have found that can be very daunting- especially not knowing where to start. Is there a couples devotional we can read? What would you recommend?

Long distance relationships are stressful. Thankfully, you have the internet and Skype and phone calls (that aren’t expensive long distance calls like they used to be) and texting, so it’s much easier to make it work. Communication is the key. Over-communication is important in every relationship. If you want to build a stronger spiritual foundation, a book study--something you read at the same time and discuss--may be your best option. Something like The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, or Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. There are discussion guides available for both. I also highly recommend that you pray together before you hang up. Building a foundation on prayer by taking turns praying for and with each other--pouring out your heart before each other and the Lord--is life-changing.

How do you know God has said “Yes” or given His approval?

Have you heard the saying, “When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window”? Sometimes it’s really obvious when God closes a door in our life, but it’s a lot more difficult to tell when He opens one. The best way to know is to ask yourself, “Does this glorify God?” Or at the very least, “If I take this path, will I still be able to glorify God in my thoughts, words and deeds?” Because often the desires of our hearts, are not the good things that God wants for us. If our eyes are fixed on our relationship with Him then we truly can “do all things” through Christ. God gives us so many good choices. Many times, that is His way of saying, “Yes.” Only when the choice will lead to encouraging sin in our lives do we know it’s not from Him.     

I didn't grow up in a Christian home & I came to Christ when I was around twelve (so, a few years ago). All of my family & many of my friends are not Christians. I find it incredibly hard to talk about Jesus to new people, & my family that often mock Him or have openly said they don't want to believe in Jesus. I feel guilty that nearly everybody in my life are not Christians. If they don't get saved, is it my fault? Will I be responsible if I didn't talk about Jesus enough? Many of my friends & family don't mind me talking about Jesus, but they aren't really interested in believing in him themselves.

First of all, I am so proud of you for hanging on to your faith when you have no support. We are not responsible for anyone else’s salvation. They have to seek Him on their own. You are called to glorify God in all you do so that God’s light shines out of you and they will see that and start to seek Him because of that. (Matt. 5:13-16; Phil 2:14-16) Because they mock Christians, I believe that they would not be open to listening to anything you say about Jesus. It wouldn’t do any good anyway. So the best way to share the Gospel with them is to let them see Christ in you. Continue to pray that their hearts will be changed and that the Holy Spirit might give you the right words at the right time to nudge them in His direction. But right now, you must guard your own heart with prayer and memorizing Scripture and going to church and/or youth group, if you can, so that you can stand firm and not let their hard hearts pull you away from your relationship with God. 

I’m struggling...the love of my life ended our relationship due to fears of commitment. He is still in my life, going on five years. I pray God give me an answer as to what to do? I’m at a loss. I’m still in love.

I’m so sorry that your heart is broken. But I feel very strongly that when a person has been unable to commit, when a relationship has gone on that long, then they must not feel that true love that it takes to have a healthy, strong marriage. Your husband should adore you. He should long to be with you, never want to be apart from you, and be unable to imagine a future without you. If your boyfriend is afraid to commit, he isn’t feeling that. It could be that he doesn’t know God’s love, so he doesn’t understand the kind of love that is necessary for a healthy relationship. I think you will always love him, but he may not be the one God has planned for you to spend the rest of your life with. Unless you think he is changing, and God is doing a work in his heart, I think you’ve got to let him go. Forgive him for breaking your heart. Take some time to focus on your relationship with God through prayer and Bible study, then move forward and start dating someone else.  

How do I surrender my worries & insecurities to God? I know that He has greater plans for me, but I still seem to be holding onto my worries.

If we love, we worry. But God has called us to lay our worries at His feet. I used to think that meant that He would fix everything if I just prayed about it. But that isn’t what Scripture says. Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God. And the PEACE of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (emphasis added) In other words: remember how blessed you are and remember what Christ did for you so that you take your focus off your worldly circumstances and put it on Jesus. Only by doing that, can we truly have peace and joy in ALL circumstances. Only by remembering that this world is temporary and our souls are eternal can we stop worrying so much. We can’t stop completely because we’re human. But if we take this perspective it makes it a lot easier to trust that even if it doesn’t turn out the way we hoped, it’s going to be okay. And worrying won’t change a thing.

I am finding it very hard at the moment to be motivated. I spend most of my days in my room in bed. I want to be productive & use my time wisely for God! I’ve been praying for motivation but am still finding it very difficult.

When you have lost the motivation to leave your bed, that’s depression. Lots of things can bring on clinical depression: hormone imbalance, a loss of a loved one or a job, thyroid problems, a chemical imbalance in your brain, severe apnea, even a food allergy. It’s important that you see a doctor and have some blood work done and consult with him/her about what the causes could be for you and what solutions may work best for you. There is no shame in needing medication. Sometimes, our brains need help to function properly. It doesn’t help that this world is so filled with negativity and darkness. If you are already depressed, you can’t fill your mind and spirit with dark-themed books and TV. Choose wholesome reading and viewing material. Listen to Christian music and podcasts of sermons and Bible teaching. Take small steps toward using your time wisely for God by choosing a ministry to volunteer at and signing up for a couple of hours a week. Don’t stare up the stairs, just step up the step. In other words, don’t overwhelm yourself with commitments. Set small goals for yourself and focus on one thing at a time. You can’t help others if you’re not able to help yourself. Get help from a doctor/counselor/pastor first, then try to make some changes with the focus on Jesus and the joy you have in knowing that you are a chosen daughter of the one true King. He is the way and the truth and the light. Let His light shine into the darkness that is holding you back. Ask for the Holy Spirit to give you peace and strength and motivation. Remember, we are called to glorify God in all we do. That’s not going to happen if you can’t get out of bed. We’ll be praying for you, sister.

What are your thoughts on election & how to reconcile verses that specifically mention the elect/chosen/predestined vs. the choice we appear to be given in the gospels?

Different religions have different views on this very controversial topic. I come from a reformed background and we believe in predestination and don’t believe that it contradicts the idea of free will. God ordains all things. But He is not the author of sin and doesn’t violate our free will. He involves us in accomplishing His purpose. All human actions are free in the sense of being self-determined but none are free from God’s control.I have recently come to understand this more fully by looking at the account of Moses and Pharaoh. I previously thought that if God “hardened Pharaoh’s heart” then he took away his free will and that didn’t seem fair. But in doing a word study, I discovered that when God hardens a heart it means he strengthens the resolve of someone. That’s entirely different than what I thought. It means that Pharaoh was already predisposed to say no and God strengthened that mindset. How? By sending ten plagues. Duh. Why didn’t I see that before? The plagues hardened his heart. That would certainly harden my heart.So, consider it like this: We were all created with this God-shaped hole inside us. We have the free will to fill that hole with whatever we want. (And boy, don’t we?) God makes Himself known to everyone through creation. Because He is omniscient, He knows every thought before we even have it. So, he already knows those of us that are going to be predisposed to seek Him. Those are His chosen and He will keep after us with “plagues” of grace to strengthen our resolve to seek Him. “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13). When, in our own free will, we finally choose to fill that God-shaped hole with Him, that’s when He sends his Holy Spirit to radically change our heart and make us new, knowing full well we were going to choose that path. Like the Trinity, it’s mysterious and complicated and truly beyond our human brains to understand it.The bottom line is that we’re thinking too highly of our free-will. All it really means is that we exercise “free-will” by participating in our salvation through the free choice to believe that Jesus Christ paid for our sins on the cross and conquered death by submitting to it and rising from the dead so that we who believe will have eternal life. That is our free choice, we just don’t come to it without Providential guidance. (“plagues” of grace) That doesn’t contradict the truth that God is sovereign and is working all things to accomplish His plan. It reveals that truth. (For better explanation and Scripture references to back it up, see The Westminster Confession of Faith.)