Daughter Dilemmas, Week 54
Welcome to week fifty-four of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.
I have been thinking of either running away & leaving behind everything or leaving this world entirely. I don't know which one to do. I just give up. How can I stop being a disgrace to my parents? Which decision should I make without getting my parents involved? My mom is verbally abusive & my dad hates me. I just wish I knew what to do.
I’m so sorry, sweet sister. My heart breaks to hear how painful your life has become. You have a heavenly Father that loves and adores you so much. And we at Daughter of Delight and in this online community are praying that He lift you up and protect you and provide a way to safety for you. First of all, please recognize that you are NOT a disgrace to your parents, you are a victim of abuse and there are resources to help you. Here is a list: https://www.thehotline.org/resources/victims-and-survivors/ I can’t be more specific since I don’t know where you’re from, but here is a national runaway hotline too: https://www.1800runaway.org/ I beg you to reach out and get some help before you end up in an even more dangerous situation. You can also talk to your school counselor about being removed from the home. A foster care situation may be better. I know you don’t want to involve your parents, probably for fear of making the situation worse, but if you can get out safely to foster care or a friend or relative’s house that would be better than running away. Please don’t even consider ending your life. You are a chosen daughter of the One True King and precious to Him. You may not be feeling His love because of the toxic situation you’re in, but I promise you, it’s there. It’s what led you to this website and this ask column. Here is a suicide hotline too: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ (1-800-273-8255) Please call before you act. This world is full of pain and heartbreak, so we have to look past our circumstances to the One who died to save us and trust that He has a plan. Music always helps me, so I encourage you to listen to Never Alone by Barlow Girl and Thy Will by Hillary Scott and You Say by Lauren Daigle and Trust in You also by Lauren Daigle and If You Want Me Too by Ginny Owens. These songs have spoken to my heart at various times in my life and dragged me out of despair. And if all of this fails, please confide in a friend or teacher or pastor. Don’t go through this without support. We are praying for you!
My husband & I have been married for over a year. We have seen God bring us together & strengthen our relationship with Him. We both come from similar pasts that were away from God and worldly. We are so happy now, living our lives for Christ. However, ever since we’ve been married I have had terrible dreams. It started out as a lot in the beginning & now they are starting to come back. It’s usually dreaming of past mistakes I’ve made & my past sins. These dreams feel so inappropriate & invasive. I don’t want to think about any other man than my husband & I pray every time that God would take these dreams from me. Am I being attacked or punished for my past?
I don’t believe you are being attacked or punished for your past. It could be that you have not worked through some unresolved issues of guilt regarding sin in your past. I recommend, first, that you pray and repent of those specific sins, accept God’s forgiveness and then forgive yourself. Secondly, you should talk to a Christian counselor. Sometimes saying the dreams out loud and acknowledging their hold on your mind can allow you to let them go completely. You are a new creation in Christ. Don’t let those past sins hold you captive. Embrace God’s love and forgiveness and pray that the Holy Spirit will guard your mind against these dreams.
I am struggling with my relationship with God. I want to be close to Him, but sometimes I wonder if the only reason I want that is because I want to go to Heaven. I don't want to feel that way, but I do & I don't know how to fix this when it feels like my heart is just in the wrong place. What can I do?
It could be that you are not secure in your salvation if you feel the only point to having a relationship with God is to avoid hell. Do you believe that you are a sinner, justly deserving God’s wrath? We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23) No one is good enough to earn their way into heaven, even if she prays and reads her Bible every day. (Romans 3:10-12) Because it’s not about what we do, but what’s been done for us. Because we are sinful, we have to have a Savior. In Biblical times, before Christ came, the Jewish people had to offer blood sacrifices to God for their sin. That was a picture for us of what was to come. God sent Jesus to become fully human (even as he was still fully God--he kept that part of himself away) to live a perfect, sinless life so that he could die and be the once for all time and all people sacrifice for the sins of the world. (Hebrews 10:1-18) Wow! Then he rose from the dead--defeating death--so that now we can live on in heaven. (2 Tim. 1:10) And one day He will come again and bring heaven to earth and we will all be transformed so that there will be no more pain or sadness. (Rev. 21:4) It will be even better than the Garden of Eden. If you believe this, then ask the Holy Spirit to come into your heart and open your eyes to the glorious truth of Scripture and transform you into a new creation now--one who longs to know God more fully, one who longs to glorify Him in all you do, out of a thankful heart and not as a way to earn your salvation. Praise God! He has paid the price for your sin and now there is no condemnation. (Romans 8:1) I urge you, sister, to find a Bible study to grow you in the knowledge and faith you long for. If there isn’t one near you, I highly recommend Nancy Guthrie’s Seeing Jesus in the Old Testament series.
After one of our pre-marital counseling sessions, my fiancé admitted to me he used to have a habit of watching porn. He says it was never an addiction, but I'm not fully sold on that. He says that his reason for going for porn (not being able to handle or share his emotions with anyone) is filled by his relationship with Jesus & me. It's been a year & a half since his last relapse & he says he'll never do anything to hurt me again (even though he never did it to hurt me before & hasn't done it since we've been dating), but it's hard to trust he will always have enough self-control to stop any temptation the devil may throw at him in the future. Needless to say, this has been extremely difficult for us both.
My question is, since my emotions are all over the place right now, should we get extra counseling? He has already received help, but he has also has relapsed a few times since. I am scared he will relapse after we're married, even though he's so determined to never go back to that again. He said his habit is in the past & wants to move on, but he also didn't want to hide that burden of his past from me anymore.
After reading & listening to Christians talk about how to handle things like this, I know he will struggle with fighting temptations the rest of his life. Please help.
Just like a drug addiction, porn addiction is something he will fight for the rest of his life. Turning his life over to Christ and becoming a new creation gave him the strength to give it up and we should applaud him for that. Now that you are aware that this is a problem for him, you will be better able to see any sign of relapse. I think going to counseling about it is a wonderful idea. You have some trust issues now that you need to work through and he needs to be able to trust that you will be his go-to person if he is ever tempted again, without fear that you will turn away. And you may want to encourage him to find a local Christian support group or even a prayer group at your church, or maybe just one Christian male friend that he can share his past with in confidence and pray regularly with who will hold him accountable--just like a drug addict needs to do. Always bear in mind that we all sin and fall short of the glory of God. Instead of crying, rejoice that he has overcome this devastating past addiction through Christ and put your trust in our Heavenly Father to give you both the strength and discernment you need to move forward with marriage.
My husband is about to become the youth pastor at our church. How do I prepare myself for this transition? And how do I better help him? We plan to co-lead, but he will be more of the face.
First of all, pray for him and with him. Prayer is always the best way to prepare our hearts for anything. Pray for the Holy Spirit’s guidance and discernment. I believe working with youth is one of the greatest callings. Youth today are overwhelmed with negativity and often lack coping skills. Showing them an example of what a healthy, Godly marriage looks like as you work together is just one way you’ll be shining God’s light into their lives. It’s hard for me to speak to this question since I don’t know the size of your church or the plans you have for the youth, but I would definitely encourage you to have small group time with the girls, remembering that they need your mentorship. I would also encourage you both to lead them in a Bible study--up to this point they may only be familiar with Bible stories and not understand the scope of how the Old and New Testament all point to Jesus. Memorizing catechism and Bible drills are great, but they don’t give kids the whole picture. Check out Nancy Guthrie’s Seeing Jesus in the Old Testament series. Or even just base a study on The Jesus Storybook Bible. I know they will be blessed by your ministry to them, and sister, you are going to grow so much in your faith.
I am a teen girl struggling with insecurities. What Bible verses or studies would you recommend on this subject? Thank you!
Sister, I recommend every study that grows your relationship with God, strengthens your faith and trust and helps you let go of your insecurities. I recommend Jen Wilkin’s study, In His Image, to start. Then after that, maybe her 1 Peter study. Click here to view her studies! Memorize verses like Phil. 4:6-9 (notice it doesn’t say God will magically fix things--it says He will give you peace), Matt. 6:25-34 (any of it), 2 Tim. 1:7, Romans 8:28, Psalm 62:8, Psalm 56:3, Proverbs 3:5-6...there are so many more. And listen to Christian music. Songs like Lauren Daigle’s I Will Trust In You really help me when I’m struggling. Hang in there! Keep your focus on your salvation in Christ, so that you remember that this world is not where we are supposed to find our joy, it’s not what we are supposed to trust in, and it’s never going to fill that God-shaped hole inside of us.
How do you know if God wants you to let go of a relationship or hang on?
It doesn’t make sense to you until you feel it, but you really do “know when you know” when it comes to love. God has called us to glorify Him in all we do, so if a relationship is with a non-believer, if a relationship is stopping you from pursuing your relationship with God, if it’s causing you to sin, then God definitely wants you to let go. But if none of those things are happening and you’re still questioning, then there’s a problem. Because the person you commit to in marriage should be someone you know you love and can’t imagine your future without. So, if you have doubts, then that could be the Holy Spirit nudging you to move on.
What is your take on Christmas? I always loved it, until last year I heard it was pagan & should be avoided at all costs. I heard it came from bad roots & no matter how the definition of it has changed today, we shouldn’t be involved with it because if God wanted us to celebrate Jesus birth He would have told us when & how to.
I believe that we should celebrate Christmas. Remember that in the Old Testament there were all kinds of feasts and celebrations that God commanded them to have and celebrate. What do you think the purpose of that was? To remember. Today we have Christmas and Easter. Christmas is a time for us to remember and celebrate the coming of the incarnation of God in the person of Jesus who came to save us from our sins and make a way for us to go to heaven. How could we not celebrate that? We should celebrate it all the time! What difference does it make if the calendar date doesn’t match Christ’s actual birth because someone somewhere decided to combine it with a pagan celebration. I’m not celebrating a pagan holiday. I’m celebrating the birth of my Savior! And I’m dressing up and decorating my house and singing carols and going to parties and exchanging gifts because of the joy I have in that celebration and the memory that God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son to become human so he could die for my sins. If you’re worried about it being pagan, put your focus on Advent. Get an Advent calendar and wreath and light candles and have daily Scripture readings all with the focus of the anticipation of Christ’s coming. Because He’s coming again and that’s cause for joy too. Daughter of Delight also partnered with Her True Worth (another wonderful online women's ministry page you should check out!) for an Advent study called "Embracing Emmanuel". It's completely free and you can access it here.Blessings to you this Advent season, sis!
How do you keep guy friends just as friends without trying to make it something it’s not?
It’s hard to have guy friends who are just friends if physical attraction is present. But if they’re not interested in pursuing a relationship with you, then don’t set yourself up for heartbreak. You should be with someone who wants to be with you, who can’t wait to see you, doesn’t want to be without you, can’t imagine his life without you. That’s the kind of love God wants for you. Work on your relationship with God in the meantime with prayer and Bible study, so that your heart is in the right place to receive this amazing guy that’s just right for you.
What are your thoughts on teaching kids about Santa?
It’s a tough one. I was not mature in my faith when my children were young, and we had already started the tradition of Santa coming on Christmas morning before I questioned it. If I had to do over again, I think I would tell my kids that Santa is a fun game that we play based on a real man named St. Nicholas who was a fourth-century bishop that gave gifts to the poor in secret because he didn’t want any thanks. (There are lots of children’s books about him you could use to tell his story.) He wanted to give for the joy of giving, and he has come to symbolize the spirit of giving at Christmas time. And the character of Santa Claus was created so that parents could give more presents to their kids just because they love them and not because they wanted any thanks. After all, God gave us Jesus, even though we didn’t deserve it, just because He loves us. I sure loved seeing their excitement on Christmas morning. In fact, I still filled their stockings into their twenties! But I did hate lying to them to perpetuate the myth. I also worried that if I told them, they’d tell other kids, whose parents would be mad at me. So, if you do call it a game, do you force them to keep the secret that Santa isn’t real? I don’t believe it did my children any harm to believe in Santa Claus and magic for a little while, but I think it can do children harm to think God is like Santa Claus. So, whatever way you decide to handle it, the most important thing is to be clear that Christmas is about celebrating the birth of our Savior and keep the focus there with family Scripture reading, a nativity scene, an Advent calendar, and even baking a birthday cake for Jesus together.
How do I forgive someone? I feel like an apology I recently received is not sincere. I cannot even forgive myself, so how could I forgive someone who did vicious things &, in my opinion, has not repented properly? I know the Bible teaches the importance of forgiveness, even when the people who wrong us do not ask for it. However, in reality, it is just so hard to do that.
You’re right. It is so hard to forgive others, but holding onto anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the person you’re angry with to die. You have to let go of it for your own mental health. AND we are commanded to love others as much as we love ourselves, so forgiving yourself is a good place to start. Then, remember that we all sin all the time. Every sin, in God’s eyes, is the same: murder, lying, adultery, cheating someone. ALL. THE. SAME. His standard is perfection. And none of us are perfect. That’s why God sent Jesus to be perfect and be the perfect sacrifice for our sins. When He looks at us, He sees Jesus’ righteousness so that He can forgive us. When we look at others who have hurt us and sinned against us and are unrepentant, we have to remember that we--without Christ--look that way to God. Forgive him by taking that perspective and praying for him to be changed by the Holy Spirit. Praying for him can help you let go of that anger because you will be reminded that “there but for the grace of God go I.” Without Jesus’ sacrifice, you’d be just as broken and hateful and lost as he is.
These days have been hard for me. My family has been through some difficult financial issues & I am currently building my own career. It has been hard for me to not get dragged into the situation. In addition, I am experiencing anxiety about my future. How do I cope with this situation? I wonder whether God has worked something beautiful for my future too?
God is definitely working something beautiful for your future! Sweet sister, the best way for us to overcome our worries is to trust God. I know it’s easier said than done. Read the story of Peter walking on the water in Matthew 14:22-33. Peter steps out of the safety of the boat in faith, but when he takes his eyes off Jesus and looks around at the crashing waves, he worries. He gets scared, and he starts to sink. That’s what happens to us when we focus on the circumstances around us. “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world,” John 16:33 NIV. That’s where our focus has to be. Jesus died to take the punishment for our sin, and then he rose from the dead--defeating death--so that we all get to live on in heaven. This is the reason we can have peace and joy even when bad things happen. So, show love to your family by shining the joy of Christ’s love the best that you can. Try not to let it drag you down. And pray that the Lord will provide a way out of your financial difficulties. God is for you. Nothing can stand against you when you are faithful to pray and trust.
I’m in my third year of college & just haven’t found the church for me yet. My college town is filled with lots of good churches, but none of them really feel like home. I want to invest in a church in my college town but just can’t seem to find the right one for me. What do I do?
Have you looked into on-campus ministries? A lot of these have a base church in town that supports them. Reformed University Fellowship (RUF) is a great one, if you have it. If not, find a church with a women’s Bible study you can join. Women studying the Word together really strengthens that sister bond, and knowing them better when you worship with them could help give you that “home” feeling you’re looking for. Another way to do that is to volunteer. Serving together in ministry will help grow that family feeling too.