Daughter Dilemmas, Week 55

Welcome to week fifty-five of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

My little sister is struggling with depression. I’m the only one she’s opened up to & she is so scared to tell my parents. I feel like she needs to tell them because I believe they can help her more than I can. Yet, she doesn’t want to. I only want what’s best for her- should I tell them? If not, how can I help her with this?

I’m not sure that you should break her trust by telling them. Try to encourage her to talk to them or to let you talk to them because they can get her an appointment to see a counselor, which is what she needs. If she still doesn’t want them to know, at least try to get her to talk to someone on a hotline like Samaritans (877) 870-4673 (HOPE) or a guidance counselor at school, or a pastor or mentor at church. Help her by praying for her and praying with her. Encourage her to read Lam. 3:22-24, Phil. 4:4-7, Psalm 139, 2 Cor. 4: 7-9. Encourage her to listen to uplifting Christian music like, Never Alone by Barlow Girl, Look Up Child and Trust in You by Lauren Daigle. Pray that the Holy Spirit will reveal the truth of the Gospel to her so that she can begin to look beyond her circumstances and find her joy in Christ and what He has done for her. And just be there for her to confide in so that she doesn’t hold it all in, making it worse. 

I am struggling with masturbation. When I do it, I feel so yucky & ashamed afterward. I do it is because it feels good & I feel like I’ve been “missing out” on sexual activities. I’ve been a Christian all my life but I almost feel like I’m living a double life in terms of my walk with God & this addiction. What can I do? I want nothing more than to be free & get back to the way I’m supposed to be living for God.

I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this. Know you are not alone. This is a very real addiction. Masturbation is highly addictive because of the chemicals your brain releases when you have an orgasm. It’s very difficult to stop. The chemicals in your brain that are released when you have an orgasm are just as powerful as opiates. And like all addictions, you need a support system to help you. Since it’s such an uncomfortable topic to discuss, try to find one close friend to share your struggle with and ask that person to help hold you accountable and count with you the days you stay “clean.” Call her when you’re tempted. Confess to her when you’ve relapsed and start counting your days again. God can forgive you because you acknowledge that it is sin and are repentant. Now let God give you the strength to stop. First, figure out your triggers. This could be books or movies or TV with sexual images that cause you to lust. Lust is sin too. Put these things out of your mind. (Remember Philippians 4:8.) Whenever you are tempted, get up (physically remove yourself from wherever you are), and find something else to do. The best thing to do is pray. Prayer is a conversation with God. Would you start masturbating in the middle of a conversation with a friend? Not likely. Just because God is invisible doesn’t mean He’s not present. Remember that we are called to glorify God in all that we do. Does this glorify Him? No, it breaks His heart because it shows Him that you love yourself and your own pleasure more than Him. You can stop. Like any addiction, it takes time, and you may have setbacks. (You may need to bribe yourself by secretly giving yourself a reward for every two weeks, then thirty days, they forty days, etc. that you go without doing it.) Hang in there! Your relationship with God is more important than your temporary pleasure.

I’m currently a uni student living with 2 non-Christians. It’s been fun & a real opportunity to witness to them as a believer. However, it also has its challenges. One of my flatmates, in particular, I’m finding really hard to live with. She is isolating, cold & very self-concerned. She has no interest in maintaining a friendship & it hurts, it’s hard. How do I keep living in this situation? Do I back off & leave her to her own devices? She knows where I am & that I’m happy & willing to talk to her (we used to have open conversations about struggles/faith/etc). Or do I keep being a friend to her even when it’s painful, damaging & weary? I don’t want to give up hope. I know God is at work behind the scenes, amidst her struggles & pain. However, I don’t know how to sustainably live in an environment & witness to someone who (a) has no interest in God & (b) has no interest in me or a friendship. Where do you draw the line & step back, but still witness to them, trusting that God has it in control?

That is the world without Christ--isolated, angry, self-absorbed. It’s wonderful that you want to witness to her but you also have to guard your heart. If you can’t manage to live with her without becoming too weary, it may be that you need to find some Christian roommates that can walk alongside you in faith and encourage you. There’s no shame in that. It’s one of the reasons that God commands us not to yoke ourselves to unbelievers. It just makes everything so difficult to live that struggle every day. Continue to pray for her and keep trying to be a friend. When she is in crisis, she may reach out to you, knowing that your Godly counsel will satisfy better than that of her worldly friends. But forcing a relationship won’t help her seek God, it may push her away. Ask the Spirit to give you wisdom and let His leading guide your encounters with her. 

My husband is addicted to porn & has stopped loving me. How can I get his love back? I have asked so often if he was watching porn & each time, he lied to me..."I have you. What else do I need?" How can I trust him again?

Porn is an addiction and he has to admit it and he needs a support system to help him stop. Here’s a link to a hotline he can call: https://www.projectknow.com/porn-addiction/helplines/ but he has to be willing and honestly ready to give it up. You probably should have a conversation with him about how this breaks your trust and how he is going to have to earn it back. And you definitely need to go to marriage counseling or at least speak with your pastor. I’m so sorry that you have to face this. Help him identify his triggers and avoid them. Get rid of whatever he watches porn on--even if that’s his phone. He truly has to go cold turkey and work at this every day. I pray that he will have the strength and that he will love you and the Lord enough to try.

I have a friend who believes she is a prophet & has the gift of prophetic words. I struggle to understand this & would go as far as to say that I don’t believe God has called her to be a prophet. Her Bible knowledge is good but her foundations are rocky & unstable. She doesn’t see a desire to read the New Testament or evangelize & her view on God’s saving grace concerns me. We disagree on a lot, but I just find it all very distracting from what is in the Bible. How can I continue to be a friend& leader/mentor to her, staying Bible-focused with all this ‘extra stuff’? She believes she is a Christian & has conversations with God through worship, yet wouldn’t look to the Bible to hear from God. How can this be true when there is so much she differs on that’s boldly & evidently written in the Bible?

The Bible is our main source to “hear” from God. Sometimes the Holy Spirit nudges us or gives us something to say to someone, or even lays someone on our hearts to pray for or call, but I’m of the opinion that there are no modern-day prophets. And certainly not any who don’t believe they need to be in the Word. Since God gave us His Holy Spirit, we no longer need prophets and the Bible has plenty of prophecies for us to study. Of course, the focus of EVERY prophecy is Christ. It’s all about  Christ and His saving work on the cross, his incarnation, and his second coming, and anyone who says differently is not in accord with God but instead putting themselves in the place of God. Don’t let her distract you from the truth. Stay in the Word, even if it means telling her that you disagree. Maybe you can encourage her to do a Bible study with you. Preferably something in the New Testament like Jen Wilkin’s free, downloadable James study. But if she refuses to study the New Testament, maybe Nancy Guthrie’s Seeing Jesus in the Old Testament series which starts in Genesis in The Promised One. Maybe that could open her eyes to the importance of Old and New Testament study to grow in faith and in relationship with Christ. 

How can I maintain my sexual feelings as a godly woman?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with sexual feelings. Have you read Song of Solomon? It’s all about love and sex. Because we are created as sexual beings. God gave us sex as a way to bond with and show love to our spouses. The world has perverted the beauty of that by making it all about self-pleasure for pleasure’s sake, and so the church has generally turned its back on talking about it, afraid of encouraging sexual sin. But “sexual sin” is sex outside of marriage (which includes masturbation). So, if you are not married yet, you have to guard against sex by keeping to clean content in your entertainment and not allowing yourself to get into intimate situations on dates. And if you are married, remember that sex is about bonding, so take time to still “date” to maintain that excitement and anticipation of being alone together and looking forward to being intimate. 

I’m currently in a season of my life where I’m feeling very lost. I struggle with anxiety & depression & recently started medication for it. I’ve been struggling to understand what God has planned for me in this season & what His intentions are. I’m not sure if taking this medication is the right thing to do & I’m struggling to find an answer. 

Dear Sister, I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. If taking medication worries you, then maybe you can try natural remedies like CBD oil or passionflower. And it’s always good to find a Christian counselor--even if it’s just a pastor or a mentor. Talking about things, sharing the burden of it with someone, relieves a lot of anxiety. But your brain may need the chemical boost from a prescription medication and that’s okay. We live in a fallen, broken world, and sometimes our bodies don’t function properly. You can’t pray depression away. It’s a real chemical mix up in your brain. And God wants you to get the help you need so that you can function. Once you can do that, you can start to fix your eyes on Him. It’s in Him that we are to find our joy. Not in this world. We often want God to move our mountains for us, when what He wants is for us to fix our eyes on Him and start climbing. We are called to glorify God in all that we do. Everything: getting out of bed in the morning, sweeping the kitchen floor, feeding the dog, driving to work--everything. That is His plan for us. Because when we do things for His glory, they are done with a joyful, thankful heart, knowing that we are right where He wants us to be, doing exactly what we’re doing--even if it’s mundane. God loves you. He wants you to get the help and support you need from this world so that you can rest in Him and His plan for you--which, even when it’s hard--is for your good and His glory. Trust in that.

I’m struggling in life right now. I am trying to go to Community College because it’s cheaper but my parents are always arguing with my brother who has anxiety, depression, & ADHD. I’m not sure what to do about because I don’t always feel safe at home because he gaslights me, tried to beat me up, & calls me mean names. My mom made me go to counseling & she was the one who gave a name to the things he has done to me. He also threatened to kill himself & then I realized that he was emotionally unhealthy. I wasn’t sure if I should try to move out but it seems kind of expensive. Please give some guidance on what I should do. I feel hopeless & depressed. Thanks.

I’m so sorry that you are dealing with such a difficult and toxic situation. Have you spoken to your pastor or a mentor about it? It could be that there is someone at your church that would love to rent out a bedroom to you. Maybe an elderly person that could use some help and companionship. That would be a less expensive way to get out of that house. And I do recommend that you try to get out of there. Counseling is always a good idea. I hope your brother is in counseling too. It sounds like he needs it even more than you. He may even need to go into a treatment facility to learn some coping skills to deal with his aggressive behavior and suicidal tendencies. His assaulting you is not okay. Tell your parents that you do not feel safe at home and ask them to get your brother some real help and help you find a safe place to live.  

While I was living at home this summer, my mom found out that my dad has been having an affair. It was heartbreaking to watch my mom & to know how horrible my dad could be when I always admired & looked up to him so much. Soon after I had to leave to go back to school which is really far from home. I’m so worried for my mom because she has struggled with depression but I feel like I’m powerless to do anything. They’re trying to work things out but, honestly, I don’t even want them to. I’m so sad & hurt & angry for so many different reasons & it’s affecting a lot of different areas of my life. I already have very bad trust issues & I feel like this has made it so much worse. I don’t know how to handle it & I feel like I could never forgive him plus I have no one I can talk to about this. How can I be there for my mom & support her in her decision while I hate my dad so much for what he did?

Adultery hurts on so many different levels. I know your heart is broken right now and your trust too, but I would encourage you, first, to find a way to forgive your dad. We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). Holding unforgiveness in your heart is a poison. And like you said, it is affecting every aspect of your life. You have been forgiven for all of your sins, even though you don’t deserve it. Find a way to remember who he was as a father before he broke your trust. He acted out of selfish desire. Have you ever done something wrong out of selfish desire? I know I have. Talk to a pastor or friend or mentor or counselor at your school so that you can get rid of all that anger and start to heal. As far as your mom, just be more attentive. Call her a lot to share details of your life. You’re old enough to be a friend to her now, and she needs a friend that truly understands what she’s going through. Don’t be angry with her if she is able to forgive him and stay with him. Encourage them to go to marriage counseling. Divorce breaks God’s heart. If there’s a way they can work out their issues and treat each other with love and respect again, try to find it in your heart to be thankful.  

What are your thoughts on plastic surgery?

I think that we are fearfully and wonderfully made by a creator who loves us just the way we are. But our sin nature is vain, and it is hard for us to have a good self-image if there is a particular flaw that we have that could be easily fixed by plastic surgery. We are cautioned against the sin of vanity in the Bible, but even the focus on the flaw can be a form of vanity. So, if the flaw is causing someone to obsess, I don’t see the harm in plastic surgery--IF it doesn’t cause great physical risk or a financial burden. I think there is a fine line there between the sin of vanity and obsessing over appearance so much that it becomes an idol in your heart. That is the way with most things. Our sin nature always wants more, but obsession or excess crosses the line, where moderation can be okay in most circumstances. For example, most of us wear make-up, and keep ourselves and our hair clean and looking nice, and we try to dress in lovely things that make us feel confident. All of that is vanity, but it’s done in moderation within societal convention. If we were to wear stage make-up, style our hair in a bizarre way, or dress in jeweled robes, that would be excessive and would call attention to ourselves--it crosses the line between looking presentable and “Hey, look at me! See how great I am?” Plastic surgery done in moderation to give a person more confidence rather than as a way to look better to the world, might be okay. It’s all vanity, though, so you have to figure out where your heart lies and pray about it before taking action.

How do I deal with the fact that, according to the world, I would be considered bisexual? I think some of the trauma I have experienced in my life has contributed to this (witnessing my dad cheat on my mom with other women, being bullied by boys at school, etc.) 

I do have romantic feelings towards boys, but I find it hard to imagine giving away my virginity to my future husband. When it comes to women, I find them sexually attractive but I do not desire to be in a relationship with one. 

I know that's irrational. I know it's a sin. I claim to love Jesus, but I feel like I'm constantly betraying Him and it hurts (I have a porn/masturbating problem too, I keep on falling. My question is, why have I had these thoughts since before & after knowing Christ?

Thank you for sharing this. I’m sure a lot of people are having the same struggles. It could be that it stems from watching porn, which is VERY female-focused. Not to mention the awful way men are portrayed in movies as opposed to women being portrayed as brave and strong and just better. Add the trauma you’ve encountered with boys and it all makes sense for you to have these feelings. But, as you pointed out, it is sinful to engage in any sexual relationship outside of marriage and the Bible is clear that marriage is meant to be between a man and a woman. Just because you have accepted Christ doesn’t mean your sin nature disappears. We all sin all the time. The change of heart that we have when the Holy Spirit works in us is evident in our desire not to sin, and our desire to glorify God. We are selfish, though, and we can’t always do that well. It’s a process of letting our love for Jesus rule our actions. We must let the knowledge that He died for our sins so that we can be forgiven and we get to live on in heaven, free us from sin ruling our actions. That process is called sanctification. So, pray that the Holy Spirit will work in you to transform your sinful desires into a desire to glorify God. I think that it would help you tremendously to talk to a Christian counselor about the traumatic experiences you’ve had with boys/men/your father. Not all men are that way and you should work on putting those incidents into perspective so that you can come to a place of forgiveness--whether they deserve it or not--so you can let it go and work toward healthier relationships with men in the future. As far as the porn/masturbation problem, I think it is feeding your same-sex attraction and you have got to stop. It is destructive to your soul as well as your future sexual relationship with your husband. We have covered the topic of how to stop here & here. What you pour in is what pours out, so pour good things: good wholesome images, good counsel, good friendships, Scripture memorization, Christian music, Bible study--all those things can help you overcome sinful desires and foster a healthy view of men so that you’ll be ready when God gives you the perfect man for you. When that happens, I believe your fears of intimacy will be overcome by the love you have for him. Sex is not meant to be a short term selfish pleasure. It is meant as a way for us to show our love for our spouse and accept his show of love for us. It is a gift from God to help us bond with each other. Our culture teaches the opposite, which is why it’s so lost. But you have Christ, sweet sister, so rest in Him and the beauty of his design for your body and your future.  

My boyfriend broke up with me because he said God told him it wasn’t the right time. I feel broken & very scared for the future. How can I find peace in my pain?

It could be that he used God as an excuse to break up with you. I know your heart is broken and it will take time to heal. Give yourself that time to grieve. But then, let it go. Because if this guy didn’t long to spend the rest of his life with you, he is NOT the one God wants you to marry. Marriage is hard work. And both people need to be committed 100%. If he has doubts about you, then it is better to move on than to long for something that will never be the right fit, waiting and hoping for him to change, to love you the way God wants you to be loved. Focus on your relationship with God right now and that will give you peace in your pain. He has something so much better in store for you.

I am a junior in high school & this guy I really like is a senior. He is a very devoted Christian. Things seem to be going somewhere... he’s going to college next semester. Should we continue on and make it official or should we just not since he is leaving soon?

In today’s world, it is very easy to pursue a long-distance relationship with instant messaging and Skype. There’s no reason not to pursue it. It may turn out that you find the stress of that is too much. In that case, you know that your feelings for each other just weren’t strong enough. But it could be just the opposite. You never know unless you try.

I have friends who are Christians, but I’m becoming close to some new friends who are nonbelievers - I’ve mentioned my faith to them & they’re very respectful. They aren’t encouraging me to do anything I shouldn’t do, but I can’t help but wondering if my inner circle should be filled with Christians? Is this yoking myself with unbelievers? Is it okay to be close with people who are not (yet) saved?

Of course it’s okay. If we couldn’t be friends with non-believers, we’d have to become hermits. That being said, it’s important to not let yourself be dragged down by them. You will be surrounded with ungodly talk, entertainment, circumstances, and even advice. They will not hold you to God’s standard of behavior and in order for you not to be judgmental, you can’t hold them to those same standards either. It’s easy to start thinking that, “It’s not such a big deal.” It’s easy to start using foul language when you’re around it so much. It’s easy to let your standards fall so as not to seem judgmental. It’s a fine line to walk. I recommend that your closest friends be believers so that you can build each other up, encourage one another, and hold each other accountable. We are called to glorify God in all we do. I know I need support to do that.

I am 22 years old & finishing out my undergraduate. I’ve never been on a date, I have never had a boyfriend, & I have never had a guy express interest in me. Marriage is something I desire to have in the future, & I know that God listens to our desires, but I also know marriage is not promised to us in the Bible. I know singleness has its perks, but I want to be in a Christian relationship. I’m trying to continue to use my singleness as a time to do ministry & go on missions, but it’s hard to stay encouraged...thoughts?

You are doing all the right things. Just continue to pray that God will raise up a Christian man for you. His timing is perfect, even though it doesn’t seem like it when we are waiting. Continue to focus on your relationship with God, doing ministry and going on mission trips. Maybe it will be through those situations that you meet the man you’ll marry.