Daughter Dilemmas
Welcome to week nine of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.
Does God choose our life partner? If yes, why then is a widow free to marry any believer she chooses, why can't we get the same liberty? And if no, why do people say "if this is God's will it will happen"?
God’s will is very difficult for us to discern. I believe God does “choose” our life partners, but maybe not in the way that you’re thinking. I think that my husband and I were created for each other and that God prepared us for each other by the life experiences he gave us. He is not going to deliver Mr. Right to your doorstep. I don’t know why you don’t feel that you have the liberty to choose a man to marry. In Biblical times, women were not allowed to own property, so when a woman’s husband died, it was expected that his brother would step up to care for her or another close relative so that her property would also be taken care of. They were kinsman redeemers. (See Ruth.) Kinsman redeemers paint a picture of Christ for us. Because we are unable to save ourselves, Christ takes on our debt (our punishment for sin) by dying for us on the cross (because the punishment for sin is death). That is why the Bible speaks of widows in those terms. (Everything in the Bible points us to Christ.) People say, “If this is God’s will, it will happen” because God does have a grand plan for your life and He cares very deeply about you. But look at it this way: God’s will is for you to glorify Him in all you do, whether that is marriage or work or just daily living--facing joy as well as hardship. Pray that God will raise up a believer for you to share your life with so that you can glorify Him together in your marriage. The waiting is hard. God’s timing is not our timing. But when you meet him, you will know why it had to be him and it had to be at that time. And that’s when you will become the one telling others about waiting on God’s will.
What are your thoughts on divorce? What would be your advice to someone who is going through a divorce due to infidelity & abuse? Is it wrong to harbor feelings of anger & struggle with forgiveness?
We all struggle with anger and forgiveness. It’s especially hard when you’ve been betrayed and abused. God wants us to glorify Him in all we do. So, we are called to forgive. We are called to love others as much as we love ourselves. We are called to forgive others the way we were forgiven. But let’s face it--that’s nearly impossible. Especially if the person is not repentant. If he is, then there may be hope for reconciliation. That should always be something we worked toward first. Divorce happens when one or both people in a marriage are too interested in glorifying themselves and stop putting their relationship with God first. We are a selfish, stubborn lot. God knows this. He also knows your heart. Pray that he will help you let go of your anger and be able to forgive. Don’t let it eat you up inside. If this person who has hurt you, has turned his back on God, he is to be pitied because unless he is saved, he will not have eternal life. If that’s the case, God wants you to move on, to be happy, to find your joy in Him, and maybe to find love again with a believer who knows how to love you in a way that glorifies God.I don't know the details of this situation and I certainly do not claim to know the hearts of the people involved. I have seen women accuse men of things and get people behind them in support when those accusations were not true. I just meant that counseling and reconciliation is always the first course of action. Here is what I am not saying: that it is safe or in the best interest of the wife to return to the cheating and physically abusive husband. Nor would I. This person seems to have already moved on to divorce so I was speaking to forgiveness not reconciliation in the second part of the answer. I do not believe God would want anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. I do not believe anyone who claims to be a Christian and abuses or is unfaithful to someone really is a Christian. Just because someone can articulate the Gospel doesn't mean they are a true believer--even Satan can do that. Actions speak louder than words. God is mighty to change hearts though. I also do not want to say that there is no hope for the abuser to come to true repentance, so I if that happens--if that person truly changes because of the Holy Spirit-- then there is a chance for reconciliation. This does not necessarily mean staying married. It could mean forgiveness and being able to have some relationship going forward. What if there are children to think about? Not knowing the details, my answers have to be general.
My friend committed suicide & I’m not really sure what I need to do. It feels impossible to go on without him. He was my best friend & the love of my life. He protected me & was there for me through everything. Now I am just lost.
Sweet sister, my heart breaks for you. All I can tell you is that grief is a long process. I can’t tell you how to grieve. But know that, even if you feel like you are alone, God loves you and He is with you. You may never understand why this happened. You may want to blame God and turn your back on Him because it happened. You may want to smack people that tell you it’s part of His plan, or it happened for a reason. You and I know that whatever the reason--it sucks! You just have to put one foot in front of the other right now. Don’t over commit, and don’t withdraw from everything either. Surround yourself with believers that can love on you and let you grieve. A loss like that never goes away. Find a verse or a song that will lift you up when you need it and one to cry with when you need that. (I like Held by Natalie Grant, Never Alone by Barlow Girl, Lamentations 3:16-24, and Philippians 4:4-7--which reminds us that He never promised to give us what we ask for, just peace in the circumstances.) You can get through this. There is hope for your future. You will love again. Trust. Pray. Find things to be thankful for. I have found that God’s grace is evident when I look back on my grieving. He was there. In fact, He was carrying me. It was because I turned from Him that I couldn’t feel His arms.
We are called to be forgiving & loving, but how do we handle a situation where someone continues with the pattern of wrongful doings?
When continues in a pattern that conforms to this world, they have not been transformed by the One who calls us to forgive. They may be able to articulate the Gospel, but that doesn’t mean they’ve had a Holy Spirit heart change. In a case like that, you have to forgive and move on. Pray for this person to be saved and transformed so that they can truly repent and change, but do not let this person continue to hurt you or drag you into their world of sin. We are called to love others as much as we love ourselves, not to be doormats. Love yourself enough to know that this relationship is toxic and trust God to know your heart. Do not let anyone convince you that you are not being a “good Christian” if you don’t keep going back for more abuse.