How to Celebrate Christmas with a Broken Family
One sibling refused to join the family to open presents. The other could not have been less interested in getting to know my new and very serious boyfriend.
Holidays with a Messy Family Are Hard
Culture tells us that "family is everything." It preaches that this group of people should be so tight-knit that nothing can break these bonds. But life tells us differently. And family is often where we are most acutely affected by selfishness.
May I speak bluntly for a moment? Sometimes we like to put ourselves in categories.
"I'm so glad I'm not like those dysfunctional people over there."
"Yeah, my family isn't perfect, but at least we don't do X."
When we say or think things like this, we are setting ourselves up for failure.
In my opinion, there is only one factor that determines whether a family is dysfunctional or not, and that is selfishness.
The Root of Dysfunction
Selfishness is the root of dysfunction.
The hard part is that sometimes selfishness is so "normal" that it hurts without us even understanding why. Dysfunction comes in patterns, and, unfortunately, patterns are the hardest to unlearn.
So, what can we do?
How to Celebrate Christmas with a Broken Family
We can start by letting the Holy Spirit call out the selfishness in our own hearts. By sitting before God and let Him reveal our own mixed motives. By submitting our normal, healthy, and often disappointed expectations at the feet of Jesus and ask Him to satisfy our hearts and refresh our souls.
When we enter into family gatherings like this, we are walking in the beginning of change.
Entering with:
Humility: seeking to serve others while trusting God with our needs.Peace: refusing to be easily offended.Patience: recognizing when our boundaries are crossed and graciously pushing back or even non-verbally communicating "no."
The Beginning of Change
This was the beginning of change for me with my family. I made it my goal when I visited for holidays to not let anything offend me. Yes, I would still feel angry at times, but because I had already chosen my response, I was able to manage my emotions in a way that was helpful, not hurtful.
It's not about whether we are selfish or not, it's about how we handle our selfishness. Healthy individuals and healthy families have healthy patterns for confrontation and disagreement, while unhealthy individuals and unhealthy families have dysfunctional confrontation patterns and passive-aggressive coping mechanisms.
It's not about whether you're in one group or another, it's a spectrum. We are either walking forward in sanctification and becoming like Christ, or we are sliding back into the sinful ways of the flesh.
Biblical Encouragement
Matthew 10:34-39
"Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person's enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." -Matthew 10:34-39
Jesus never promised us familial peace. While individually we are called to live at peace with others "so far as it depends on you" (Romans 12:18), nowhere in scripture are we called to be doormats to wickedness. Quite the contrary! Proverbs 20:26 tells us, "A wise king winnows the wicked." In addition, Matthew 18 empowers us to have boundaries towards those who refuse to change.
Titus 3:1-11
I am also greatly encouraged by this passage in Titus:
"Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life. The saying is trustworthy, and I want you to insist on these things, so that those who have believed in God may be careful to devote themselves to good works. These things are excellent and profitable for people. But avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless. As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned." -Titus 3:1-11
In this passage, Paul tells us to walk in compassion, and also to uphold separation from those who are intent on foolishness. There is a "three strikes" rule in scripture for contentiousness! We can show our family honor while also practicing self-respect and give grace because we are overwhelmed by God's grace ourselves.
Luke 8:19-21
My final encouragement comes from a story of Jesus in the Gospel of Luke:
"Then his mother and his brothers came to him, but they could not reach him because of the crowd. And he was told, 'Your mother and your brothers are standing outside, desiring to see you.' But he answered them, 'My mother and my brothers are those who hear the word of God and do it.'” -Luke 8:19-21
Our true family is determined not by the bloodlines of man, but by the bloodlines of Christ.
I still have challenges with my siblings. The second one mentioned has barely spoken to me since I got married and that's okay. God has been gracious to give me peace and accept that there's nothing I can do. I'm still overwhelmingly grateful for the time we had together growing up because I learned so much from being his sister. I know him well enough to see the person God created him to be. And, because of the very things I have shared with you today, I still feel affection for him from a distance and hope for the day when we can be friends again.
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Author of, "How to Celebrate Christmas with a Broken Family"Meg Davis
Meg is a dancer, filmmaker, artist, and fairytale writer. She grew up in an emotionally traumatic Christian home and believes that Jesus is the only source of true healing. She lived on her own until she married her husband the summer she turned thirty. Together, they live in Alabama with her growing collection of house plants. To hear more of her testimony, visit her website.