EP 12: Biblical Dating 101

As Christians, we're called to glorify God in all we do, including our approach to dating. Today, we’re chatting all about what biblical dating is, how it’s different from modern dating, what the three golden rules to biblical dating are, & Elle is answering several of your questions as well. Grab a coffee & pull up a seat, Sis. This episode is one you won't want to miss!

Welcome

Hey sis! Welcome to episode 12 of the Daughter of Delight podcast! I feel like I say this every week, probably because I do haha, but I am so stinking pumped for today’s episode! Every Tuesday, for the last 76 Tuesdays now, my mother-in-love Stephanie and I have been running an anonymous ask column together called Daughter Dilemmas. If you keep up with Daughter of Delight on Instagram, which I hope you do, you are probably very familiar with this. It’s by far one of the most popular resources Daughter of Delight offers, and I’m so glad to be able to offer women a space to ask those hard and messy questions without feeling like they are being judged. I mean, let’s be honest- we ALL have those awkward questions and struggles we’re too afraid or ashamed of bringing up with someone face-to-face. The purpose of this ask column is to help you get started in the right direction of bringing what’s hiding in the dark out into the light. I say all of this, because one of the hottest topics for all of the questions we receive is relationships. So I thought it would be good to dedicate an episode to biblical dating, since it’s one that is not only applicable to all of us, but also because this is a topic that will always be on trend. Because so many of us crave love and to be loved by that special someone. 

Review of the Week

As always, though, I want to share the review of the week before we get started! This week’s review comes from Sunnyshinegirl, and she says, “Elle, you’ve done it again. Thank you for your obedience to Jesus and bringing encouragement that honors the Bible This podcast makes me feel like I am sitting down to have coffee with you which would be a dream! I love each topic God has laid on your heart. Thank you for being bold and loving...online and off!”Um, sunnyshinegirl, I would LOVE to have coffee with you! If you are not local to the Nashville area, virtual coffee is a thing! So hit a sister up. And thank you SO much for your sweet words. This is why I do what I do. I am beyond words grateful to know that you are loving this podcast and that the Lord is using it to bless you in your walk with Him. I know you can’t see me, but if you could you would see that I am throwing my praise hands up over here. Thank you so much, sunnyshinegirl! And to all my sisters out there, I would love it if you would take the time to rate and review the podcast. In fact, let’s spice things up a little bit, shall we?

Giveaway

If you rate and review the podcast between now and next Wednesday, you will be entered for a chance to win a Daughter of Delight dad hat AND free access to the Esther Intensive, a five-week study on the book of Esther with a bonus episode on how to read and interpret the Word of God. This is the very first Daughter of Delight Bible study and you cannot find it anywhere else! Plus, these things together are a $40 value. All you have to do in order to enter is take a screenshot of your rating and review and then send it to me at hello@daughterofdelight.com. Title the subject “Podcast Giveaway Entry” and wahlah, your name is in the hat! I will announce the winner right here on the podcast and reach out to them directly via email. To those of you who plan to participate, know that I’m sending so many hugs and thanks your way! 

Biblical Dating 101

Okay, so now that we have covered the review of the week and I shared the giveaway details with you, it is time to talk ALL things biblical dating. Okay, maybe not ALL things biblical dating, but definitely some of the most important things! Are you ready for this?

How THis Episode Will Flow

Let me tell you how this is going to work. We are going to talk about what biblical dating is, how it is different from modern dating, the reality of the struggles and temptations dating brings upon us, and the three golden rules of biblical dating- AKA the very things you should have in place to help protect your heart and your purity.Then, I am going to answer several of your questions regarding biblical dating. Questions like what to do while you wait for the right person to come around, how and when to talk about marriage, whether or not dating apps are okay, how to let someone know that your faith comes first before you commit to being in a relationship with them, and so much more.This episode is by no means the end all be all for Christian dating, but I do hope and pray that it clarifies what it looks like so that you can identify any red flags or better prepare your heart while you wait.Okay, here we go! 

What is Biblical Dating?

First up, what is biblical dating? When I say biblical dating, I am referring to a pre-marital relationship that involves one man and one woman. The purpose of this relationship is to honor God and not waste time. Meaning, both the man and the woman are dating one another because they are potential spouse material. That being said, when you pursue a relationship with someone that you see as potential spouse material, it is also important to acknowledge the truth that it does not guarantee the relationship will result in marriage. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out, and that’s okay. Biblical dating isn’t really a thing in the Bible, but there is a lot for us to learn from the Bible about dating. I know that sounds kind of confusing, but stick with me here and you will see what I mean. 

The Sufficiency of Scripture

As Christians, it is important for us to not only believe in the inerrancy of Scripture, but also in the sufficiency of it. Meaning, the Bible is not only infallible but it speaks to and provides guidance for everything we will walk through in this life at some level- including dating.2 Timothy 3:16-17 tells us, “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (ESV). So, although the Bible does not mention dating or courtship specifically, it still provides exactly what we need to participate in it in a way that is honoring in His sight. And the sufficiency of Scripture is our groundwork for that. 

Modern Dating

Okay, so now that we have established what biblical dating is, let’s talk about modern dating. It is SO important for us to know the difference between the two, because they are two opposite approaches.When I say modern dating, I am referring to relationships where God is left out of the picture and marriage is not always the end goal. Honestly, there is no solid approach here- you can go one of many ways with it. Sometimes, people date just to date. People do this because it is convenient, so that they are not alone, so that they can satisfy their sexual appetites, you name it. 

The Difference Between Biblical Dating & Modern Dating

Now, this by no means sums it all up, but the most important differences I want to note between biblical dating and modern dating specifically for this episode are what they look like lived out.Modern dating welcomes the idea of acting like you are already married as a means to determine whether or not it is the right fit. It supports things like living together before marriage, having sex before marriage as a means to fulfill your sexual appetites and help you determine whether or not they are good in bed, and also divorce. If you decide you no longer love the person you are married to or if you find someone else you love more while married, the quick-fix solution to either of these things is divorce. With biblical dating, you have the exact opposite. The Word of God teaches that we should not date in such a way that reflects this type of marital commitment until the marital covenant is established before God. Let’s take a look at some Scriptures that speak to this.

Scripture For Biblical Dating

In James 4, James warns against worldliness. In verse 4, he says, “You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God” (ESV).1 Corinthians 6:18-20 says, “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body” (ESV).Hebrews 13:14 tells us to, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (ESV).1 Timothy 5:22 warns, “Do not be hasty in the laying on of hands, nor take part in the sins of others; keep yourself pure” (ESV).And finally, in John 14:15, Jesus says, “If you love me, you will keep my commands” (ESV). Meaning, we are to keep Him first in all things and honor Him in all things. Even in our dating choices.There are SO many more Bible verses on these very matters, but you get the idea here. In modern dating, intimacy typically comes before commitment. In biblical dating, commitment comes before intimacy.  

The Temptations Found in Dating

Alright, so now that we have distinguished one of the main differences between modern and biblical dating, let’s about the struggles and temptations of dating.Are y’all ready to get real? Because I’m about to get real with you! To kick this portion of the episode off, I want to share a personal experience with you.

My Highschool Experience

When I was a freshman in high school, I dated a senior. That means I was 14 and he was 18. My parents were against the idea of me dating at such a young age, but I was also pretty rebellious and hardheaded, so they knew either way that I would do what I wanted to do. Because of this, they allowed it in order to know the high school senior who wanted to date their freshman daughter and to better keep their eyes on me as well. I was a believer and he was not, and we dated for well over two years. Sis, I am going to be honest, there were some dark moments in this relationship and I got caught up in them. I made choices I regret and praise God every day for His saving grace because without it I would be one helpless gal. There were a lot of things wrong with this relationship, but the physical chemistry is one reason it lasted much longer than it should have. That, and I really believed the lie that it was up to me to “save” him and lead him to Christ. Even though very little of my actions reflected that I loved God.As a 14-year-old, I walked into dating without even considering how to date in a way that honored God. At 26 years old, it breaks my heart to look back on my 14 year old self and the poor decisions I made as a result of not being strong in my faith or having a sound understanding of God’s Word.

the Battle Within

Just like I shared in last week’s podcast episode, there is a battle within that all of us as God’s children are fighting. It’s a messy, frustrating and exhausting fight against temptation and sin. Personally, getting all caught up in relationships and allowing them to determine my worth and identity has been part of that fight for me. Even in my college years.

College Heartbreak

Before I met my husband, I found myself in a relationship full of false promises. It felt too good to be true, and it was. I was more sound in my theology and more sure in my relationship with the Lord at this point in time compared to my high school days, but I still found myself battling against the temptation to make poor choices. At times, parts of me believed that if I just did or said X, Y, or Z, my college long-distance relationship would last because he wouldn’t be able to imagine life without me. Because he wouldn’t be able to get enough of me.The same was true on his end as well. He told me everything I desired to hear and I believed every sugar-coated word of it. And then the "M" word came into play. Yep, marriage. Such weight this word holds, and for good reason! We’ll talk about that more in a bit. But I was sold. He expressed a desire for life together long-term and I was all ears. But I should have been all eyes to the red flags that surrounded me.Ultimately, I ended up with a very broken heart that took me nearly two years to heal. I won’t get into all of the details of how I learned to grieve and heal, maybe we can talk about healing from heartbreak in a future episode, but I will say that what caused most of my pain was rooted in the fact that I had idolized the relationship in incredibly dangerous ways. Because of this, my heartbreak felt like an emotional divorce. Perhaps you can relate.I say all of this to say that, if we are not intentional about who we date, why we date them and setting those protective boundaries from the very beginning in said relationships, we are sure to set ourselves up for poor decision making. 

The Golden Rules of Biblical Dating

Speaking of boundaries, let’s get to the very most important part of this episode, shall we? Let’s talk about the golden rules of biblical dating. These are rules I had to learn the hard way. I truly wish I would have known before I even started dating. These are rules that should be set in place from the get-go.Before I share them with you, I do want to preface this portion of the episode with the fact that just because you do these things -- just because you set these boundaries in place that are holy, right and good -- it does not mean the person you are biblically dating will result in marriage. Sis, we have to remember that God’s will is God’s will. And there is nothing we can do to change or thwart that. Even if it may not feel like it at times, this is a VERY good thing. Because He knows what is best for us. And that’s exactly what He desires to give. 

Dating the Right Way is the Right Thing

So yes, set these boundaries in order to protect yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually, but don’t walk into a relationship in this light like you know without a doubt that this person is going to be your husband one day. Dating the right way is the right thing, even if the relationship ends. Because although it may be disappointing and sad that a relationship does not work out, the pain will be lessened by the mutual and spiritual concern you have for one another and the Lord’s will for your lives. The three golden rules to help set you up for success fall into the physical, emotional and spiritual categories. 

The Physical Golden Rule

GET SPECIFIC

And first up, we have the physical golden rule: get specific! Do not wait to determine what you are physically comfortable with. Set the tone for what your limits are FIRST thing. And by first thing, I mean when you find yourself discussing whether or not you would like to make things official. Are you good with holding hands? Full frontal hugs? Simple kisses or making out? Have an honest conversation about these things with one another. If you both have different ideas of what this looks like -- for example, if you are comfortable making out and he is comfortable with kisses on the cheek, or if he is comfortable with full frontal hugs and you are only good with side hugs for the time being -- I would encourage that you both respect the higher standard here. 

Biblical Dating Means You Are Not Dating Just to Date 

You may think I am crazy for saying that, but remember: biblical dating means you are not dating just to date. You’re not dating just for the sake of hormones. It means the person you desire to date is potential spouse material. So, both, your thoughts on side hugs and his thoughts on kisses came from a place of how to honor God with your actions in your dating life. 

Guard Your Heart & Protect Your Purity

If you find yourself disappointed about something like kisses on the cheek for the time being, remind yourself that this boundary is set in place because this is an important means for him to guard his heart and purity. If he thinks kissing on the lips will take things too far, and it so easily can, don’t rush it. It might seem easy enough at first since the relationship is new and you’re just excited to be with that person, but when you find yourself caught up in emotions and you want to do more than a kiss on the cheek, you will face the temptation to ask for more. But instead of flashing your puppy dog eyes and asking him to reconsider, respect his choice. Because not only will it guard his heart and purity, it will guard yours, too.Sis, please be sure those physical boundaries are not only set in place, but also respected from both ends. Things without boundaries don’t just stop; they always lead somewhere. If those boundaries are set in place and both of you are well aware of them, they will come to mind in the face of temptation and you will have the chance to fight back. 

Additional Ways to Guard Your Heart & Protect Your Purity

Especially knowing that temptation will still show up at your doorstep, here are two additional things you should absolutely do to guard your heart and purity.

1. Share the boundaries you have set with a sister in Christ who will commit to holding you accountable. Whether it be someone like your best friend or a mentor, pick someone who you trust and can comfortably confide in; someone who will check in often to see how things are going. Just knowing that a sister in Christ is rooting for you to protect your heart and purity will help you find that strength to adhere to them. And I would recommend the guy do the exact same thing on his end with a brother in Christ, too.
2. Pray! Pray, pray, pray. It is not in our strength that we will be able to overcome temptation. It is in and through the power and strength of God’s Spirit in us. When you pray, pray that you would be awakened to this strength and that you would seek to fight with it even in the face of temptation. The more intimate your personal connection is with God, the stronger you will be for this fight. Pray, pray, pray. 

Biblical Dating Done Right

Right before we started dating, Michael shared that he did not think he wanted to make out until we were married. And I am going to be honest: I was caught off guard. At first, I thought to myself, “Well that stinks. How will I know if he is a good kisser?” But once he explained, I realized his standards for our relationship were higher than any guy I had ever dated, and it’s because he was in it for the right reasons. I knew that he was someone worth dating and I didn’t want to mess things up, so I told him I would respect that and that I trusted his leadership.Keep in mind here that my experience with relationships was SO different compared to his. God used Michael to open my eyes to the reality of how a relationship should be and how I should be treated and respected as a result of that. God used him to show me how important protecting my purity is, and how honoring it is to God as well.Eventually, Michael decided that he was comfortable with kissing but drew the line in saying that it was as far as it would ever go. And, if I am being completely honest here, there were definitely some hot and heavy moments that happened because of hormones and the fact that we are just sinful human beings. What made this different than any other relationship I had, however, was that Michael found the strength to put his foot down; to stop things before they went too far for our liking.

Protect Your Purity & Guard Your Heart for Your Future spouse

He not only respected me enough to be that person for us, but he also respected his future wife enough to protect his purity for her. Could I see myself marrying him? Oh, 100%. But at the time, we did not know whether or not marriage was in store for us. My relationship with Michael was the purest relationship I ever had. The Lord was SO involved and present and I’m so grateful for Michael’s leadership. We dated for almost 2 years and will be married for 4 years this November.I want to wrap up my thoughts on the physical golden rule by talking about sex for a sec.

Sex Isn't Bad 

Sis, sex isn’t bad. It’s beautiful and it’s good- but only when it’s done in the right context! And the right context is after you have established a covenant with the Lord before the authority of the church- not while you are dating or right after you get engaged. The level of temptation will undoubtedly increase once you are engaged, but that engagement ring means nothing until the covenant is in place.God wants your sex life and the intimacy you share with your future spouse to be amazing! Because just like anything else that is good in this life, sex is a good gift from Him. And it is not just a physical act. It is both a physical and emotional connection. When you have sex with someone, you are physically, emotionally and spiritually tying your souls together as one. Setting those physical boundaries in your dating life will help you fight to save your sex life for your married life; for your future husband. It may be so, so hard but it will be so, SO worth it. I promise.

You Are Not Too Far Gone

If you are listening to this and you think that you are too far gone, you are not! It is NOT too late for you to declare a second virginity and embrace God’s saving grace moving forward. Resolve to not have sex again until you’re married. The truth is, most of us have a past we’re not proud of, and all of us continue to sin every day. Hanging on to that guilt and shame only hurts your relationship with God, because it shows that you haven’t fully taken hold of the glorious fact that you have been forgiven. As far as the east is from the west–that’s how far He has removed our sins from us. We have been washed in the blood of Christ. When God looks at us now, all He sees is Christ’s purity.

The Emotional Golden Rule

Avoid Giving Too Much of Your Heart Too Soon

Alright that wraps up our physical golden rule! Ready for golden rule number two? This is our emotional golden rule, which is, do not fall into the trap of too much, too soon. Timeliness matters! Sis, our emotions are POWERFUL!  Make it a boundary of yours to limit how much you express. It’s best to not always say everything we feel. Doing so helps us to not invite someone into our future dreams too soon.For example, if you started dating Johnny two weeks ago and you are already imagining him as the father of your children, he does not need to know that. Having established from the beginning that you were both pursuing the biblical dating approach, it’s already understood that the potential to be each other’s spouse is there. But the guarantee is NOT and you need to respect that. It takes time. I say this not to discount your dreams of starting a family with your future husband, but to protect your heart from what will feel like an emotional divorce if you do not set those boundaries in place and the relationship comes to an end. Sis, to give your heart away too soon is not just unsafe to you, but also unfair to him. If you want to talk about those dreams with someone, talk about it with the very person who is holding you accountable to said boundaries. 

The Spiritual Golden Rule

To wrap things up before our time of Q & A, let’s talk about the third and final golden rule- the spiritual golden rule.I feel like this is a very divisive topic of discussion for Christian relationships, but I hope you will consider what I have to say as you move forward because I do believe there is truth to it.

Do Not Participate in spiritual Disciplines One-On-One

The spiritual golden rule I am here to recommend is to not participate in spiritual disciplines together. Now, before you start shaking your head in disagreement with me, let me explain. Trust me, I get that this one is kind of tricky! Praying, studying God’s Word, worshipping, and being spiritually vulnerable are all actions that bind people together. When you do these things one-on-one, your spiritual intimacy ties are strengthened. None of these acts are bad things, but I do think they can be very harmful when they are done one-on-one outside of marriage. When this type of spiritual intimacy -- this binding -- takes places outside of marriage, it can threaten the spiritual well-being of both individuals- especially if a break-up occurs. And then God gets blamed because it didn’t work out.

Mistaking Our Desires For God's Voice

Another reason I believe that it is important for us to steer clear of spiritual disciplines is that the more spiritually intimate we are with someone we are dating, the more likely we are to mistake our desires for the relationship we are in for God’s voice. This results in us focusing more on believing this is “the one” God has set aside for us instead of being intentional about seeing whether or not this person’s life is truly fruitful and rooted in the Lord. Now, I am not saying to do away with spiritual disciplines. I’m just saying not to practice them one-on-one in a dating relationship. I am 100% for you sitting together at church, chatting about the sermon and theology in general, asking how you can pray for each other, blessing the meal before you eat, being a part of a prayer group, and sharing awesome Christian podcasts with each other. And I also think it is fine to study the Bible together in a large group setting. Just don’t make it an intimate, one-on-one kind of thing. 

Biblical Dating Matters

And there you have it, sis: the three golden rules to biblical dating. They may be the polar opposite from what the world teaches, but that’s a dang good thing. And here’s why that is: Because these rules are to remind us of the truth that whatever we do in life– including in dating– we must do it for the glory of God.Colossians 3:17 says, “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Sis, when we fail to protect our hearts and souls, because we probably will, there is immeasurable grace.Ephesians 1:7-8 tells us,“In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us.” I hope that these three golden rules are ones you will commit to sticking with! I promise that they will help you guard your heart and protect your purity. And if anyone you are considering dating has an issue with these rules, well, there’s your first red flag. These golden rules MATTER and you deserve to be respected. Don’t settle for anything less. 

Biblical Dating Q & A

Ready for some Q & A? Two weeks ago, I shared on my Instagram story that I would be answering several of your questions related to biblical dating and y’all SHOWED UP. I received so many, but I also picked up on patterns. Lots of the same questions just asked in different ways. So, without further ado, let’s hop to it!  

What are your thoughts about online dating?

I think it’s awesome! One of my dearest sisters in Christ met her husband through online dating. And let’s be honest here: it’s hard to meet new people when you are around the same people every day. I think the fact that we have this as a means to meet people is so great, but I also encourage you to be wise and careful. Because there are people on there for very wrong reasons. So, don’t meet them in person first thing. Get to know them over the phone. FaceTime or Zoom with them for that face-to-face connection. Then, when you are comfortable and ready, go on an in-person date in public. 

Is it okay to date a girl as a girl if the relationship is honest and godly?

Sis, I believe that the Bible is very clear that homosexuality is a sin. That being said, so is lying. So is murder. I say this because God doesn’t rank sinfulness. Every sin offends God on multiple levels. And we should avoid sin for this very reason. Homosexuality is wrong because the Bible says so. In the very beginning of His Word, God presents a man and a woman becoming one flesh. Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (ESV). God created us to express sexuality in this way- between one man and one woman.All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. None of us are worthy. That’s why He sent a Savior to pay for our sins so that if we repent, we can be forgiven. If you in a homosexual relationship, you are not honoring God. You are living in ongoing, unrepentant sin.I would encourage you to read Rosaria Butterfield’s book, The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert. She has been in this very place and speaks with more understanding if this is something you are personally struggling with.  

Can you share some effective tips for waiting on God for a mate? 

There are two ways I want to answer this question. 

the Wait

First off, I want to talk about “the wait”. If you believe the only way God will bring your future spouse to you is by waiting it out and relying on the actions of whoever that person may be to lay eyes on you, fancy you, pursue you, get to know you, ask you out, date you, AKA do all the things, then you are setting yourself up for a long wait.Here’s a fun fact for you: I made the first move on my husband! Yep, sure did. Given, I had the help of my twin brother who was great friends with Michael, which is also how I knew him. But I asked my brother to plant the seed and let Michael know I was interested in him. And I am so glad I did, because Michael is extremely introverted and it boosted his confidence of pursuing me, knowing that his interest in me was mutually reciprocated.It’s also okay to put yourself out there, sis! It’s hard to meet new people when we are around the same people all the time. Creating an online profile for a dating app is not a sin. Nor is it something for you to be afraid of. If you are wanting to meet new people, this is a great way to do it! 

Grow in Relationship with the Lord 

The next way I want to answer this question on waiting for a spouse is to pray and focus on growing in your relationship with the Lord.Surrendering the desires of our heart to God allows us to not only grow our trust in Him, but it also allows us to be present in the season we are in. Blessings surround you, sis. Do not let whether or not you are in a relationship determine the beauty of this season. Give it to God. He has His best in mind for you. Don’t rush it. After I had my heart broken in college, I devoted a special part of my prayer time for my future spouse. I wrote a list of the qualities I hoped he would have. I prayed that his life would be a reflection of the fruits of the Spirit and that the Lord would grow and prepare both of our hearts as we waited for His timing to meet one another face-to-face.Also, make getting to know the heart of your Father in Heaven through His Word a priority. No love will ever satisfy like His- not even your future spouse’s. Seek Him over everything else, always. In doing so, He will use your time in His Word to grow you in your knowledge of and relationship with Him AND transform you more and more into the image of Christ.  

Is it okay to live with your boyfriend before you are married?

I would not advise this. This is a very popular thing that happens in modern dating. But when we view it through the lens of biblical dating, the act of living with your boyfriend before you are married sets yourself up for bad decisions. One of the most beautiful things about marriage is that you get to live with that person for the rest of your life. So, essentially, you are already treating this relationship like you are married. And you’re not married until the covenant has been established.I know that it can seem like there is no harm to it and it may come across as the best option in ways - like saving money and etc. - but it’s wrong. And I guarantee there is a better option or you. Know how I know this? Because this decision is not God’s best for you. God doesn’t set us up to fail, sis. And living with your boyfriend before you are married is not how you set yourself up for success in His sight.  

How do you set boundaries and expectations later in a dating relationship?

This is a really good question. If you have been convicted to set more boundaries in place as a means to guard your heart and protect your purity, you need to see it through. Chances are you are going to be really anxious to bring this topic of discussion up, but sis, hear me when I say that God is with you and for you. Rely on the strength of His Spirit in you to have this conversation. Everything in you will convince you no to do it. That’s just the nature of our flesh. But here’s the fact of the matter: If this man is someone worth dating, he will respect these boundaries you want to set into place. Will it be a difficult and perhaps even awkward conversation? Probably. Will you face temptation to repeat the same patterns even after the new boundaries are set? Yes. But if God has convicted you that it’s time to make some changes, then it’s time to make some changes. Do not ignore Him. His grace will carry and sustain you, every step of the way. 

Is really intimate kissing, like french kissing, okay before marriage?

Personally, I think french kissing is taking it too far. I mean, you even used the words “really intimate”. And let’s be honest here, if french kissing is taking place, then it’s probably in a private setting where hands are also probably going places they shouldn’t be going. This goes back to the physical golden rule, sis. Set boundaries in place that are glorifying to God in your relationship. If you are in a relationship, you can still set God-honoring boundaries! And you should! Otherwise, you are just wasting your time.  

How do you know the person you are dating is the one God has chosen for you?

The one

Let’s talk about “The One” here just for a second.I believe there is no such thing as “the one”.The Hollywood-driven idea that there is one perfect person out there for us negates the fact that we are a broken people. The Bible doesn’t talk about marriage in terms of finding only one unique match, made just for us. But someway, somehow we have adopted this belief when considering a potential spouse. And it’s just not biblical. 

Marriage is a commitment to someone with flaws.

Marriage is a commitment to someone with flaws. When you marry them, their flaws don’t go away! When you marry them, you commit to love them despite their flaws. There are a few mandatory things you and your potential spouse should have in common, like where you stand on first-tier doctrinal issues and what your family and finance convictions are as well.If the person you are interested in is living a life that glorifies God...a life that exhibits the fruits of the Holy Spirit, and you enjoy their company, then why not give it a shot? Honestly, if I have learned anything about being married, it’s just how selfish I am. Michael is the one for me because we chose to love each another despite our sinful and selfish ways.  

What are your thoughts on dating a non-Christian, even if he is a good, mature, responsible guy? 

This is a tough question to tackle, and for so many reasons. And I know that there are several opinions on this, but here is mine. As an advocate of biblical dating, dating a non-believer is not okay.Here’s why I think this. As a follower of Christ, your foundation is built on a desire to trust and follow Jesus. But what about for the non-Christian you are dating? I don’t know what his foundation is, but based on your question I know that it’s not that. 

As Christians, Jesus is our only hope in this life! He is our greatest treasure.

So, how can biblical dating be approached if one of you believes in Christ and the other does not? That’s just it- it can’t. If you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who does not belong to God, that essentially means you are choosing your love for this person over your love for God. 2 Corinthians 6:14 tells us, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.” And there is good reason for that. God’s commands are for our protection, sis.

For the union of marriage to be Christ-centered, you have to treasure the same thing.

For the union of marriage to be Christ-centered, you have to treasure the same thing. I think a lot of times we can get into relationships with nonbelievers because they accept that we believe although they don’t. They may even express genuine interest in Christianity. Both these things can give us hope that they will be saved before there is a ring on it. But the truth is, we cannot save anyone. It is not and will never be up to us to lead someone to Christ. Yes, you can be a light and encourager and a great example. Yes, you can pray for their heart to be changed. But only the Holy Spirit can truly change someone’s heart.  If you are listening to this and you are married to an unbeliever, 1 Corinthians 7:12-1 speaks to this and shares the beautiful reminder that we are called to live in peace. It is not up to you to fix, judge, or change your spouse. It’s up to you to love them. Love is the primary tool God uses to change us all. Love them well, pray for them, and seek to live in peace. God wastes no thing! Not one. 

And last but not least, our last question for today: What are some ways to keep a long-distance relationship alive?

Setting boundaries for long-distance relationships is just as important for relationships that are not long distance. When we see that special someone for the first time in a while, our hearts will most likely burst with emotion; with all the feels. The heart may grow fonder, but the temptation will most likely also grow stronger. Having boundaries in place for that special in-person time together is key to not falling susceptible to temptation. Michael and I dated long-distance before we got married. I love some of the intentional things we did together during this time. They really helped us and I hope they help you, too! Before I share some of the things we did, I do want to say that it’s important for each of you to be involved in a Christ-centered community. Whether it be a small group or a group of friends you see often, community is so important. Believe it or not, it can be easy to isolate yourself from the people around you even when you are in a long-distance relationship. Stay invested in the friendships around you! We were created for community.

Communication, but don't over-communicate

First off, communicate but don’t over-communicate. It’s really easy to over-communicate in long-distance relationships since we always have our phones on us. When Michael and I dated, we didn’t put pressure on how long we had to talk to one another each day. We just talked!And although we talked every day, we didn’t text all throughout the day. Had we done that, we would have had nothing to talk about on the phone after work! We sent good morning texts and said hi around lunchtime, but didn’t really have a conversation until we were both home from work. We also said good night to each other each night. 

Skype!

Secondly, we Skyped on a weekly basis. Face-to-face interaction is so important, even if it’s through a digital device. And nowadays, you can stream movies and shows together, which I think is so cool! There are also online quizzes you can share a laugh over or online games you can play together. Just do a Google search and I’m sure a ton of options will come up for you.

Snail Mail

Third, write each other letters! Something Michael was intentional about in our relationship was writing me love letters. I saved every single one! He even wrote me a few songs that he sang to me when we saw each other. The final thing I will share is to talk about something that gives you something to look forward to. Michael and I saw each other once every 6-8 weeks, and we always had a date in mind. This is because we had talked about it prior in order to get excited about doing something together. Whether it’s a new restaurant or activity to try, pick something that peaks both of your interests and have fun exploring it next time you are together!  

Thanks For Tuning In!

Alright sis, there you have it! Biblical Dating 101! Talk about the longest episode ever, am I right? I hope that this episode blessed you immensely! Dating can be complicated but done the right way it can be so very worth it. I pray this episode encouraged you to start setting those boundaries if you haven’t already! Those golden rules are the very thing that help make dating not as complicated, so use them to your advantage and for the sake of protecting your heart and purity! Also, don’t forget about the review giveaway! Leave a rating & review for the podcast if you’re loving it, screen shot it, label the subject line as “Podcast Giveaway Entry” and then email it to me at hello@daughterofdelight.com. The winner will be announced NEXT Wednesday, June 3 on the podcast AND via email. So stay tuned! Have a great rest of your week and I will talk with you real soon! Bye for now!  MoreIf you enjoyed this episode, be sure to check out last week's episode on The Battle Within!