Daughter Dilemmas
Welcome to week one of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace. To submit a question anonymously, click here.
How far is too far in a relationship?
This world doesn’t make it easy. We are deluged with sex. And knowing that you have sexual chemistry with someone before you get married is important. (It’s also frustrating.) As Christians, we are called to keep all sexual activity within the bonds of marriage. Realistically, we have to set boundaries for ourselves. And it needs to be done in a conversation with your partner beforehand. (Because in the heat of the moment all bets are off.) If you don’t set clear limits--and it’s not my place to tell you what those limits need to be--you will “go too far.” It helps to consider sexual activity as a sacred gift from God to strengthen the bonds of marriage. Did you know that when you have an orgasm, chemicals are released in your brain that help you to bond with your spouse? How cool is that? If you’re not sure that the person you’re with is who you want to spend the rest of your life with, do you really want to bond with him in that way? And do you want memories of being with other people in your head after you are married? But always remember, too, that God loves you and he knows your heart and he can forgive sexual sin. He gave us sex to be a blessing in our marriages, not to be a burden of guilt in our hearts.
I haven’t been to confession in an embarrassingly long time. Thinking about it gives me anxiety & I am not sure how to go about it. What do I say when I sit down? How many sins "do I confess? Are my undisclosed sins also forgiven?
In my church, we are not required to confess to a priest. Instead, we have a corporate confession (where the whole congregation confesses general sins like greed, envy, selfishness, etc.) then we have a time of silent confession when we can confess whatever else we are sorry for. God knows all of our sins. Confession is for us, not Him. It is a reminder that we are not worthy to be called children of God, we are not worthy to be forgiven, we are not worthy to be saved. But that is the Good News of the Gospel. Because even though we aren’t worthy, He went to the cross for us and paid for our sins--all of our sins--and made us worthy to receive him. So that anyone who calls upon the name of Jesus can be forgiven. We have a mighty Savior! He loves us so much! Don’t be anxious about confession. Confession to a priest holds you accountable and gives you an extra reason not to sin, but it’s not required for forgiveness. God knows your heart and He knows your sin. He knows every thought before we have it. That’s why He gave us a Savior.
Jesus teaches that even a thought can be adultery... What about reading romantic stories or watching films and fantasizing about the characters, when you're married? Where should I draw the line?
He also teaches that anger is the same as murder. The point is that we are going to do it. We can’t say that we are “good” because even our thoughts cause us to sin. Which is why we need a Savior. We can’t be good enough--ever. That being said, He wants us to guard our hearts against sin by being careful of what we read and watch and where we let our thoughts wander. If you feel that watching a particular actor causes you to fantasize about him, then why do it? It’s disrespectful to the one you love. That actor could be a real jerk. Your fantasies are built on lust, whereas your marriage is built on love and relationship. Unfortunately, we are fed so much sex--even in commercials--that it’s difficult to avoid lust. My advice is to direct that lust toward the one you love instead of someone you don’t even know so that it doesn’t weaken your sacred marriage relationship.
I need advice on how to hide self-harm scars in a professional way!! I just got a job as an assistant teacher (yay!), but I have old cuts and fresh cuts that I need to hide! HELP!!!
Sister, my heart breaks to hear that you have fresh cuts. That says to me that you are not dealing with your pain in a healthy way and that is way more important than covering up your scars. I urge you to seek a Godly counselor. You need to talk about what the underlying issue is that leads you to harm yourself. Self-harm is similar to an eating disorder and it shouldn’t go untreated. Jesus knows your pain. He’s felt much worse. He became human just so he could die for us--and death on a cross is horrific. Turning your pain over to him by acknowledging it out loud in prayer is a start, but I beg you to seek counseling too. And get some 100% aloe for healing those scars on the outside.