Daughter Dilemmas, Week 141

Welcome to Week 141 of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our responses to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

There is something that I think may be an "unrepentant sin" that I commit. In the Bible it says that if we know how to do good & we don't do it, we are committing a sin. I understand that. But I have a problem. My relatives with whom I live are non-believers. they mock my faith, albeit indirectly, & I have thought of proclaiming the Gospel to them. 

I know it would be the best thing I could do, but it scares me. I have planned it many times & I am never able to do it. it just doesn't work out...I don't have the strength. I think telling them about Jesus would be a good thing that I'm not doing. am I committing a sin? 

Lately, I feel convinced that it is. But I know that I'm not capable of doing it. Maybe in the future, but today I don't even have a local church to lean on, having one would give me the strength & comfort to do so. 

I don't want to live in unrepentant sin, but I don't know what to do. Can you give me more clarity on this matter?

Sister, I’m so amazed at your faith! It must be so hard to pursue your relationship with God in the face of living with unbelievers who mock you and not having a church community. You are not living in unrepentant sin by not sharing the Gospel with them in words. You are living the Gospel before them. They may mock you, but that is proof that you are planting seeds. Continue to be a light in the darkness of their unbelief. Pray that the Holy Spirit will give you the right words at the right time. But never feel guilty about not proclaiming the Gospel to them with words. They don’t have ears to hear it right now. Pray that the Holy Spirit would begin a work in their hearts and would use you in a powerful way to open their eyes to the truth. And trust in God’s timing for their salvation. I also urge you to find a church community. We are called to engage in corporate worship. It’s essential for our spiritual growth. If there isn’t a Gospel-centered church in your community, maybe there is one in a nearby town that you can attend. I pray you get the support that you need!

I am 28 & have never been in a serious relationship. Each time I become interested in a man, it seems like God slams a door in my face. This frustration has led to the besetting sin of masturbation. I want to trust & follow Him, but I’m just so frustrated. Why can’t I even find a boyfriend, let alone a husband? I don't understand why this is happening to me. What do I do?

I’m currently in a Bible study on 1 Corinthians. In it, Paul talks about how he wishes everyone was like him and didn’t want to get married. He knows that marriage is supposed to be a beautiful representation of Christ’s love, but he also knows that we are a sinful, fallen people who put our focus on the wrong things and often make an idol of marriage or of our spouses. At the same time, we read in Genesis that God created us for marriage. He said it is not good for us to be alone. (Gen. 2:18) So, I think the way we reconcile these two things is to keep marriage in perspective. I know you long for a relationship. I know it's hard and discouraging to not be where you had hoped to be at this point in life. But I urge you to not allow the discouragement you are feeling to guide you. Your desire to be married is not a bad desire; it's a good desire. But it sounds to me, based on your question here, that the longing you have for it has become an idol in your heart. This idol has encouraged you to take your eyes off of the Lord and instead wade in the dark and destructive waters of sin. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but know it's being spoken in love from one sister to another. I think it’s time for a heart check. God knows the desires of your heart, and His timing is perfect. Put your focus into growing in your relationship with God right now instead of finding a relationship. Focus on destroying the idol in order to truly treasure Christ. This world is temporary. Our relationship with God is eternal. God only has His best in mind for HIs children, no matter how difficult it may be to see and understand that at times. That said, He desires and delights in us when we find our joy in Him. The world offers happiness, something that is based on our circumstances. The Lord's everlasting joy, however, is eternal and all-accessible to us because it is not contingent on our circumstances. Meaning, even in the midst of discouragement and despair, we can choose joy. Once we can get to this special place with the Father, once we can have that peace that comes from that--the peace that surpasses all understanding--we can let go of the longing for worldly desires in our heart (even the good ones that God ordains, like marriage), and trust in God’s timing. I encourage you to get involved in ministries in your community to broaden your acquaintances. Take advantage of Gospel-driven opportunities around you that remind you of the bigger picture, the Bigger Story, at hand. Also, read this article from Desiring God. Doing these things will encourage you to place your undivided attention and trust in the Lord's hands; to believe that God's ways and the life that awaits us on the other side of Heaven are better- so much better than this life that we simply cannot even comprehend it with our fickle, human minds. As for your struggles with masturbation, sex outside of marriage is sinful. Masturbating is basically having sex with yourself. When we have an orgasm, our brains release two very awesome chemicals. One, acts like a drug and makes us feel wonderful. Unfortunately, like a drug, it is addictive. So, masturbating is also addictive. It can be a very difficult habit to break. The other chemical is one that helps us bond with the person we are having sex with. How cool is that? God is so good to us. He designed us so perfectly. If we are not careful, our brains can get confused and this chemical doesn’t do its job when we aren’t with the same person– making it harder to have that special bond with our spouse someday. Our brains also get confused when there is no one to bond with when we masturbate. We certainly don’t need to love ourselves more than we already do. If this is something you struggle with, I urge you to consider these things to help you stop. And remember that it’s definitely not something that glorifies God.I also urge you to confide in someone you trust deeply; someone whose faith you admire; someone who can point you to Christ. Accountability is one of the most powerful ways to overcome. As you seek the Father's face for strength, do not neglect the need for and beauty of accountability with a sister in Christ. It is such a gift, and one we should all partake and rejoice in! (Gal. 6:2) 

Is it okay for Christians to use dating apps to find a partner? I’m torn between waiting on the Lord & trying to do something about it.

Yes! There’s nothing wrong with it if you are careful, take it slow, and make sure that it’s safe. Meet in public and double date several times before you are alone with someone you meet online. Even then, make sure you have a safe way out. There is nothing in the Bible that says you cannot pursue a relationship. Volunteer in your community to meet like-minded people. Use dating sites. Ask friends to introduce you to single guys they think would be a good fit for you. God’s timing is perfect, but that doesn’t mean your future spouse will fall out of the sky. The problem with pursuing a relationship comes from letting that longing for a spouse become an idol in your heart. Always keep your relationship with God first in your heart and seek a man who does that too.

What are your thoughts on the sinner’s prayer? (Note: This question was answered by Elle)

I really like this question and have so many thoughts here. The first thing I want to say is that prayer is vital to the Christian life. Aside from God’s Word, it’s the only other form of communication we have with Him.But our prayers are not the source of assurance. And often, the sinner’s prayer is treated as a formula of conversion. The assurance we have is in the atoning sacrifice of Christ and Christ alone. Clinging to a prayer with hope-filled words will not save us. But clinging to Christ will. Romans 10:9-10 says,  “if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.”Consider some of the prayer-less conversions of the Bible. Like the thief on the cross in Luke 23:42: “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom”. Or the Philippian jailer that conversed with Paul and Silas in Acts 16:31: “Sirs, what must I do to be saved,” they didn’t say, “Repeat after me”; they simply said, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved”. There you have it. Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved.So, to wrap it up, I believe it is biblical to confess your sins and ask for forgiveness and put trust, hope, and faith in Christ and his sacrifice on the cross. But I do not believe it is biblical to give someone assurance of salvation based on uttering words. Salvation is the work of God and God alone. That is not to say we cannot receive salvation during time in prayer with the Lord. God will do what He wants to do. But it is to say we cannot cling to prayer for it, but rather we must cling to Christ.I hope that is helpful!

I grew up in church. I went to camps where I heard the Gospel. God spoke to me in church when I was little & I had an experience with God when I was 14. I was in pain from something going on in my life & out of nowhere I started praying. I told God that i was tired of the things of the world, He got rid of my cursing words, & I started reading the Bible. I was passionate. I got baptized in 2015 & after that the devil tortured me with bad thoughts I couldn't get rid of, I prayed for deliverance but nothing happened.

In the middle of it all, I started high school & I became friends with people I shouldn't have. I slowly drifted away from God & I was like this for 3 years. I ended up bad, really bad... but in my last year of high school God sent some people to talk to me & put in me a desire to return to Him. At that time I had a boyfriend who lied to me by saying he wanted to get closer to God. Instead, he drew me into sexual sin. One night I was disgusted, I didn't want to sin & suddenly I felt a burden on my chest & started praying, repenting. Next day I was freed of my sexual desires & I ended that relationship. Since then, I haven’t gone back into the world, but many times I had doubts about my salvation & if I really have a relationship with God. 

I thought I had a problem that I never really told God that I want Him to come to be my Master. And some weeks ago I did. I have holy desires in my heart. All I want is to have a real relationship with Him, to serve Him & be sanctified. I feel like all those years I searched for Him, I thought He was mine & I was His. Then, thoughts & questions came into my mind & I doubt that. I feel like God is running away from me. For example, today I was in pain & I remembered that (in theory) Jesus is my friend, but then I realized He didn't give me peace or encouragement or something at that moment. And again I questioned my relationship with God. 

Can someone make sense out of my situation? I feel I want to die, because I can't take this situation anymore.

Oh Sister, reading your testimony here, I see God working again and again to pull you close to Him. Do you? I don’t understand how you can doubt that He loves you when He keeps calling you back from your sin. It’s easy to get caught up in the world and turn our backs on God. It’s easy to believe the lies that because He doesn’t fix all of our problems, He obviously doesn’t care. That’s not the way God works. If someone is telling you that, they don’t understand the Gospel. God is not your fairy godfather who will wave a magic wand at your problems. Peace and strength and encouragement come from the Bible, and Godly leaders and mentors and friends, that God gives us. It also comes from prayer--not because we ask for it in prayer, but by the transformation that takes place in our hearts when we pray correctly, as Jesus taught us. Use the P.R.A.Y. method: P= Praise Him and thank Him for all that He has done for you (like dying on the cross to take your punishment so you can be forgiven) and all of the blessings in your life. R= Repent of your sin. We all sin, all the time. We must repent daily. A= Ask for your needs (not wants) to be met and lift up the needs of others. (Turning our hearts to the needs of others and off of ourselves is another way to cultivate a thankful heart.) Y= Yield. Say, “Your will be done.” His will is for our good and His glory. He has a plan and it may not include taking away our pain or suffering, but that doesn’t mean He doesn’t love us, and it doesn’t mean He isn’t listening, and it doesn’t mean He isn’t real. He sent His one and only Son to Earth to become a human so He could live a perfect life and be the once for all time, for all people sacrifice for sin. Then He rose from the dead, defeating death, so that we--if we repent and believe--can have eternal life. Then He gave us the Holy Spirit to live in our hearts and strengthen us and make us more like Jesus and less like the pitiful, sinful people we are. That’s a long, slow process. We will backslide. We will sin every day by putting our love for ourselves before our love for God and our love for others. That’s why it’s so important that we nurture our relationship with God with Bible study, worship, prayer and community with other believers, and we let go of our worldly idols. Jesus is your friend. He died for you. Let the knowledge of that be the source of your peace. Finally, please know that God loves you SO much! f you are thinking about ending your life, I BEG you to get help. Please call 800-273-8255 or go to this link https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ to talk to a counselor right away. God wants you to live abundantly! Here are Bible verses to read to prove what I’m saying: Psalm 31:7, 36:5-7, 139:13-16; 1 John 3:1; Ephesians 1:5, 2:4-5; John 3:16, 10:10; Lamentations 3:20-23; Isaiah 41:10; Philippians 4:19; Jeremiah 29:11; Romans 12:2, 15:13; James 1:17 and SO MANY MORE. Please get into a Bible study so you can grow your relationship with God and truly understand how great His love for you is. We will be praying Ephesians 3:18-19 over you that you: “may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”

Is surrogacy biblical? (Note: This question was answered by Elle)

This is a tough question. And to be completely honest with you, at first I did not want to answer it.Now, for those of you who disagree with my stance I want to encourage you to hear me out as I break down why I believe what I believe based on God’s Word.First, there is no direct address or commandment against surrogacy in the Bible. But the question of whether or not it is morally or ethically right certainly comes into play when considering God’s design to procreate through a man and a woman who are equally yoked in a marriage covenant. Genesis 1:28 says, “And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”To participate in surrogacy means to involve a third parent. So, to answer your question, no- I do not think it is biblical.This is a hard truth to bear when you have struggled for so long to have a child of your own and it just is not happening. When one of the only things you have desired in life is to be a parent to a child of your own flesh and blood.  I have watched close friends and family walk this path and it’s been hard for me to witness. The thought alone of  what it would be like for Michael and I to walk this path brings with it a weight I do not desire to bear.As Christians, we are not promised a life without struggle….we are not promised a life of ease. We know this truth, yet we don’t really know this truth until we experience the reality of it firsthand. And for many, the struggle of getting pregnant is part of the suffering we will face in this life.In addition to the emotional turmoil this causes, pursuing surrogacy causes financial turmoil for many. In the United States, surrogate mothers are paid around $20,000 or more for their assistance in carrying a child for a couple. That’s $3.00 per hour for each hour she is pregnant, based on a pregnancy of 266 days or 6,384 hours. Many believe this constitutes the sale of a child. Psalm 127:3 tells us that children are a gift from the Lord. Because of this, I do not think children are a commodity that can be bought and sold.With these things in mind, I would encourage you to seek wisdom to discern the root of your desire. James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” We are called to glorify God in all that we do, and if pursuing the surrogacy route is your way of trying to get what you want, I urge you to reconsider. However, if you truly believe this is a way for you and your spouse to glorify Him together, then seek wisdom from those around you, remain steadfast in prayer and be incredibly intentional in how you define each involved person's role going forward.

Having recently returned to my Christian faith & now reading the Bible for the first time (aged 47!) I am convicted that we are living in end times & are engaged in a spiritual war of biblical proportions. My main struggle at this time is to what extent do I surrender completely to God's will knowing that he is in control of all things & to what extent do I play an active role in speaking what I believe to be the truth & actively trying to wake people up to this truth?

I find that I am growing increasingly angry, fearful & impatient with the demise of this broken world & the apathy of many people when it comes to doing their own research & having the heart to question the decisions & actions of our corrupt & agenda-driven governments at this time. 

How can I shine God's light & actively do his work at this time? The more I try to share the truth of what is happening the more I am causing people to shut down & become even more entrenched in their belief systems & cognitive dissonance. I oscillate between being impassioned & engaged & feeling helpless, hopeless & despondent. 

Should my absolute faith in God's sovereignty cause me to relinquish all control? Or, as Christians, are we being called to rise up & take an active & unapologetic role in fighting the planned dehumanization & ultimate control of God's creation - if indeed that is at all possible???

Some are called for activism. If you are, I encourage you to put your voice behind Godly leaders or run for office yourself. We are all called to shine light into the darkness. However, engaging with people on the other side of a political discussion does not always shine light into the darkness. The same can be said for engaging in arguments with non-believers, too. We must remember that we shine the light into this present darkness by sharing the Gospel, sharing God’s Word, studying God’s Word, and being an example of love and kindness in humility as the Holy Spirit sanctifies us daily. Yes, we have the Truth and it is infuriating and exhausting to have people be condescending to us, but it’s not going to win hearts for us to argue. All we can do is plant seeds when presented the opportunity, pray for revival, pray for Godly leaders to rise up, corruption to be exposed, and trust in the Holy Spirit to do His work in people’s hearts. We must also remember that God is fully sovereign- not somewhat sovereign, fully sovereign. He is doing a work right here, right now. The ways of this world are scary and disheartening, but we can’t give in to our fear and despondency, because we (Christians) have the Truth. We know that all things work for together for our good and His glory--even when we can’t see the big picture. We have to stop looking at the waves, and fix our eyes on Jesus and our hope in Him, and walk on that water! (Matt. 14:22-33) 

I am always seeing questions on porn & masturbation, however, I have been single for over a year & understand that watching porn is super unhealthy & a sin. Luckily, I don't have an issue with porn & don't have a desire to watch. Is it okay to masturbate without fantasizing about anyone or watching porn? 

It’s so easy to deceive ourselves into believing that “my sin is okay because it’s not as bad as your sin.” The issues with masturbation outside of viewing porn are still detrimental to you and your relationship with God.Sex outside of marriage is sexual sin. Period. (The world can give you all kinds of reasons why it’s not hurting anyone, and it’s so good for your mental and physical health, but the world pushes sex positivity and denies sin altogether.) Masturbation is sex with yourself. It is sex outside of marriage. When you have an orgasm your brain releases feel-good chemicals as well as bonding chemicals.This is a gift from God to help you bond with your spouse. Sadly, if you engage in a lot of sexual relationships or too much masturbation, it doesn’t work when you get married. On top of that, those feel-good chemicals are just as addictive as any drug. So, engaging in masturbation is addictive. Any addiction will eventually become an idol in your life. That will affect your relationship with Christ. Justify it however you want, but know that masturbation is sin, and your justification makes it an unrepentant sin which will slowly drive a wedge between you and our Heavenly Father.  

One of my biggest struggles is speaking to non-Christians about Jesus. When the opportunities present themselves, I clam up, trip over my words & never get out what I’m trying to say. I can’t help but feel like I’m letting God down, when He clearly gives me opportunities to spread His Word. I study my Bible, but have a hard time memorizing scripture. I also struggle with insecurity & lack confidence when speaking out loud. Do you have any resources you recommend to help with this?

Precious sister, you are never letting God down when your heart longs to share the Gospel! I can assure you there are many people that are or have been in your very shoes. Sharing the Gospel is hard, and we cannot do it alone. We must rely on the power and strength of Christ in us to equip us with the words and boldness needed in order to share His love with those who do not yet know Him.I would say the main thing you can and should do is pray that the Holy Spirit will give you the right words at the right time. You can’t change anyone’s heart (that’s not our job; only by God’s grace can a heart be changed. See Eph. 2:8-10), but you can certainly plant seeds! God created you with spiritual gifts to plant seeds. If you have a longing to share the Gospel with unbelievers, there’s certainly a reason for that. I would strongly encourage you to have a meeting with your pastor, and engage in conversations with those whose in your faith community whose faith you admire. Also, check out books like Defending Your Faith by R.C. Sproul and The Case For Christ by Lee Strobel. Here is a cool video on "The Gospel in One Minute" by John Piper. In addition, the Daughter of Delight Podcast is a great resource for learning foundational Gospel principles to share with others, and I’m sure the people you meet with will point you toward even more wonderful resources!As you pray for boldness and prepare for potential conversations, I would also encourage you to study all the things in the Bible that people often consider stumbling blocks. Take, for example, if God is all powerful, then why does he allow suffering? So that you can defend your faith. (The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel is a great study on those topics.) And continue to work on memorizing Scripture so that you can quote it when people ask for your advice. When Jesus confronted the devil in the desert, He answered him with Scripture--a great example for us. (Matt. 4:1-11) As far as being criticized for your faith, that’s a certainty. You’ve got to grow a thick skin so it doesn’t bother you, if you want to speak up and share the Gospel. We are praying for you, sister!

What should I do when the people I'm surrounded with constantly swear, even some of my friends who are strong Christians? I'm in my senior year of high school, homeschooled, & just getting exposed to all this. It bothers me when people swear or take God's name in vain so casually & often in conversation, & when they blast music with swear words around me. How do I tell them I'd rather them not use bad language around me when some of them are friends I've grown up with?

Ah, great question. The problem is that it’s a habit. They may use the profanities without even realizing it anymore. The words become meaningless to them because of the overuse, so they get defensive if you tell them it’s bothering you. And you, hearing it all the time, will be tempted to allow it to slip into your daily thoughts and words. It’s so pervasive in our culture. But, based on your question, I can see that you are well aware of the fact that we have been called to be set apart (Romans 12:1-2, 1 Peter 1:16, Gal. 2:20),  in the world but not of it (1 Peter 2:9, Romans 12:2, John 15:19), shining a light into the darkness (Eph. 5:8, 1 Thess. 5:5, Eph. 5: 7-14, Phil. 2:15). If your friends are Christians, share these verses with them, and ask them if they will try to refrain. Maybe even make an accountability game out of it where they have to put money in a swear jar, or marks given next to their name and whoever gets to ten first must buy pizza for the group. But if they are not Christians, they will think it’s foolish that it bothers you and it will be difficult for you to convince them without coming across as judgmental. We can’t hold them to the same standard that we hold ourselves. You can “shine a light” by setting an example and not swearing. You can tell them that as a Christian, it is offensive to you when they use the Lord’s name as a swear word and ask that they refrain from those particular ones--hopefully, that will get them thinking about it in general and help them notice that you don’t swear.Maybe it will tone down their other swearing too. Often this world pushes tolerance for everything but Christianity, but maybe you can show them the hypocrisy of that if you stand firm in your request. Keep Phil. 4:8-9 close in your heart and mind, so that you don’t allow those words to infest your thoughts and speech. Pray that the Holy Spirit will give you the right words at the right time to shine His light and glorify Him in this situation.