Daughter Dilemmas
Welcome to week seventeen of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.
How does one move on after a hard relationship and also not let depression take them over?
I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. The loss of a relationship is like the loss of a friend. Take time to grieve. It’s okay to be sad for a time. But if you feel that sadness becoming overwhelming, you need to reach out to friends or a counselor and talk about it. Remember that the hard relationship taught you some things but was not glorifying to God. Your letting it go, was the best thing for you to do. Focus on your relationship with God. Enjoy the beauty of creation He has given us. Take time each day to give thanks for your blessings. I find that when I fix my eyes on those things, the rest of my life falls into place. Or maybe it’s just that it gives me so much peace that my worries seem insignificant. I have too much to be thankful for to be sad. So do you!
I can’t stop from sabotaging my life. God has given me chance after chance & I always find a way to make a mess of things. I know my heart & I know my Father does too, but that’s not enough, I feel like Paul “that which I don’t want to do I do". Is there hope for me?
The fact that you are asking that question means that there is hope for you. But that hope is not in what you can do, that hope is in what Christ has already done for you. If you are struggling with living in unrepentant sin or returning to the same sin over and over, you are not alone. We are all right there with you. “There is no one who does good, not even one” (Romans 3:12, NIV). But if your sin is self-sabotaging, then maybe you need to take a step back and see what the root cause of that sin is so you can truly repent and let it go. That takes serious self-examination that only counseling can provide. I recommend that you find a Godly counselor, pastor or friend who can help you define the triggers that lead you back to this self-destructive behavior. The catechism question asks: What is the chief end of man? (In other words, Why are we here?) The answer is: To glorify God and love Him forever. Sin doesn’t glorify God. Your self-sabotaging doesn’t glorify God. So, I ask you, what does your relationship with God look like? Do you pray? Do you study the Bible? Do you ask yourself, “How does this (whatever you’re doing) glorify God?” Because maybe you’ve got feet planted firmly in this world, instead of focused on eternal things that really matter. Paul goes on to say, “For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit” (Romans 8: 5, NIV). I encourage you to strengthen your relationship with God. Because if you fix your eyes on Him and the idea of glorifying Him in all you do, you won’t make a mess of anything.
I’m struggling with my relationship with my mom. We never see eye to eye & she’s constantly getting mad at me over the simplest things & honestly, sometimes for no reason. My dad doesn’t do anything to support me either - he just sits on the sidelines. What do I do?
Moms are complicated. Especially if they aren’t believers. (I don’t know if that’s the case with your mom or not.) All you can do is bite your tongue. We are called to honor our father and mother. This is the only commandment with a promise. “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you” (Ex. 20:12, NIV). You will literally be blessed for not arguing with your mom. She may be having trouble seeing you as an adult. She may be afraid you’re going to make the same mistakes she made. She may be thinking that she needs to get you in the habit of cleaning your room (or whatever) so that your life will be easier later. Moms are complicated. They expect a lot because they’ve given a lot. Their motivations are often hard to figure out. But that being said, you must assume that she loves you. Base everything you do and say on that assumption. Take a breath. Count to ten. Don’t argue. Pray for her daily. There may be things going on that you don’t know about. There may be past issues that she’s working through that have nothing to do with you or the topic at hand and she’s taking them out on you. It sucks and it’s not easy, but you should take the high road. That’s the only way she’s going to start seeing you differently. Look for ways to make her life easier. That is how you love her as much as you love yourself. And maybe, if she finds you’re not combative anymore, you can start to have a new relationship where she sees you as an adult, a friend even. Some parents never get to that place. We are supposed to glorify God in all we do. It doesn’t glorify Him to argue with your mom. Let your actions and words point her to Him.
I lost all of my friends when I came to Christ. They said it wasn’t their time to turn their lives to Jesus. They stopped inviting me out, they stopped asking how I am, etc. I feel lonely, but know if I go back with them, I'd be walking away from Jesus. How do I feel better or what can I do to stop feeling so alone?
My heart breaks for you, dear sister, at the thought that you lost your friends because of loving Jesus. It is difficult to be friends with people who don’t love the Lord, though, because they are more interested in glorifying themselves than glorifying Him and can pull you away from your relationship with Him. But why are you alone? Who led you to a relationship with Christ? Isn’t there a church body with new friends available to you? If not, you must find one. Join a church, join a Bible study, a youth group or community group. Surround yourself with other believers! They are out there. And some may be praying for a new friend too.
How do you encourage a friend who is dealing with suicidal thoughts when you are having them yourself?
Sounds like both of you need outside help. When depression has come to the point of suicidal thoughts, please, please, please get some help! You need to talk to someone. You need a counselor. There is no shame in that. Sometimes it’s a chemical issue in your brain and you need medication to combat it. There are natural things to try if medication doesn’t appeal to you like, full spectrum CBD oil, or passionflower. But please don’t try to fight depression on your own. Depression makes your brain out of touch with reality and because you’re out of touch, you don’t even realize it. God loves you so much that He sent his Son to live in a human body so he could die as payment for our sin. All of our sins. There is nothing that you have done or that has been done to you that God’s grace won’t cover. When Peter stepped out on the water to walk to Jesus, he only started to sink when he took his eyes off Jesus and looked down at the scary waves. (Matt. 14:22-33) Fix your eyes on Jesus, not this world. This world is scary and we can’t get through it without the deep assurance that because of Jesus, we can walk above the scary stuff, knowing He is holding us up, saving us, loving us, giving us a reason to be thankful. And remember all of the other things in your life that you have to give thanks for--He gave you those too! We will be praying for you and your friend to find the help and peace that you need. Here’s a link to a hotline if you don’t know where to start to seek help: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/