Daughter Dilemmas

Welcome to week twenty-one of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here. 

I'm struggling big time with my sexuality. I'm a girl, who is crushing on a girl. I love God & who I am in him, but this thing keeps popping up & my will power & strength is fading. I don't know what to do, it's making me physically sick & I can't talk to my family because it's been an issue before. I'm lost & need guidance.

I’m so sorry, sweet sister. This world encourages, even pushes, same sex relationships and sexual images in our face all the time. It’s no wonder you’re struggling. But I praise God that you are struggling and not giving in. I have not struggled with this particular sin, so I will encourage you to read The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert by Rosaria Butterfield. And I will say that God created us male and female for a reason. We are fearfully and wonderfully made to complement (definition: a thing that completes or brings to perfection) each other. Sex is not supposed to be the main focus of our lives or our relationships. It is a gift that enhances our marriage relationship. And even though society says homosexuality and homosexual marriage is okay, God is very clear in His word that it is sin and  marriage is between a man and a woman. Don’t believe the lies of this world. We all sin all the time in all sorts of ways. God doesn’t rank sin. Murder is just as wrong as stealing or lying because it’s all sin. The punishment for sin is death. But we have a Savior who paid that price for us, so that if we confess and repent we will have eternal life. Don’t live in unrepentant sin because this world says it’s not sin. Glorify God in all that you do. Fix your eyes on Jesus, your Savior, and let your joy be found in your relationship with Him and what He sacrificed for you to have eternal life. This world is temporary. Your relationship with God is eternal. 

How do I fully submit everything to God? Everyone talks about surrendering everything but how does that work practically? I find myself discouraged often because I still try to control things instead of just completely submitting & being at peace with surrender to God, but I don’t think I know how to properly do that.

The struggle is real. I am a control freak myself. And in my sanctifying process, God has shown me that He is in control whether or not I surrender everything to Him. What it means practically to surrender everything to God is to take a different perspective on your prayer life. Prayer is for us, not God. He knows what we need. He has a plan. He’s going to work His plan out whether we pray or not. So, why should we pray? We need prayer to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus in this stormy world. When we pray, we first should offer up thanks for our blessings. Then, confess our sin and ask forgiveness. Then, we can lift up others in need of mercy. But, like the Lord’s Prayer, we should remember to say, Your will be done. God can answer prayers in miraculous ways, but it all happens according to His will and for His glory. So, surrendering our needs and desires doesn’t mean laying them out in prayer and expecting Him to act. It means remembering that none of our worldly desires matter. They are born of this temporary world. We surrender by fixing our eyes on the eternal, the big picture, God’s will, the time when He will come again and make all things new, when there will be no more tears. That is what we rest in and what should give us peace. With that perspective, we can more easily live our lives in such a way that remains in His will by glorifying Him in all we do and being open to that still small voice of the Holy Spirit that nudges us in the right direction to accomplish that when we need to make a big decision. Surrender is just a scary word for trust. I trust that God will complete the work He began in me in a way that glorifies Him in the process whether or not I can see how that’s happening. (Phil. 1:6) Like the cross stitch, we can only see the tangled mess on the bottom, but God sees the whole amazing picture on top. I have to surrender my plans/desire to sort through all those threads and force it to look the way I want it to look on the bottom. That doesn’t glorify Him. That glorifies me and fosters my inner control freak. That’s not to say that we don’t need to act. (Read James.) Faith requires action. We shouldn’t say, “Thy will be done, so I’m going to sit here and watch you work.” No, it’s a matter of surrendering your plan in favor of saying, “Thy will be done, so use me to accomplish your purpose.” 

I have gotten accepted into a Physical Therapist program & I don’t feel called to it, I feel a strong calling for teaching, but I'm nervous to pass up this opportunity & feel stupid for dismissing it. I have been praying & praying, & I still seem confused. I will also have to explain everything to my parents & I know they won't be happy with me. I’m just really confused & am in need of some wisdom.

Parental expectations are difficult to bear. This is your life. Ultimately, you are the one who is going to live it. Not them. You have to take their expectations out of the equation when you are making a decision. I recommend that you go talk to some teachers. Go back to your high school, to a teacher you loved and get some information about what being a teacher looks like. Also, talk to some physical therapists and see what you’d be getting into with that. It is my opinion, as long as being a physical therapist is also something you want to do, there would be no harm in following through with the opportunity and seeing where it leads. Physical therapists do a LOT of teaching. You could work at a children’s hospital. Who knows, maybe you’re supposed to teach other physical therapists some day? Is there a reason you can’t work as a physical therapist as you get your Masters in Education and then go on to teach school? Do you have to limit yourself to one or the other? Life is full of possibilities. We are called to glorify God in all we do and there are so many beautiful ways we can do that in every profession. God wants you to have the best life and shine His light in all the places you go. 

I am a born again Christian who feels a lot of shame around engaging in sexual behaviors outside of marriage. How can I accept God’s forgiveness of my sin when I am having a difficult time forgiving myself?

As far as the east is from the west, that’s how far he has removed our transgressions from us. (Psalm 103) If you are truly repentant, God forgives any sin you lay before the cross. Your shame and inability to forgive yourself is an indication that you are truly repentant. But you are refusing to trust in God’s promises if you keep asking forgiveness for the same thing because you can’t forgive yourself. God is big enough. Christ’s sacrifice was punishment enough. You have to let it go. The verse I cling to when I’m having trouble believing that I’m worthy of His forgiveness is Lamentations 3:19-24:

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'”

We don’t have to be consumed by guilt or  shame or grief because we have a Savior that has taken our punishment for us. And a LORD whose great compassion is new every morning. Hope in that. Rejoice in that, sister. And strive each new day to glorify Him in all you do from this point on. 

Is there a specific event you look back on that helps you have faith? Have you ever felt God speak to you?

When we are in uncertain times, it is hard to see the big picture. I can look back now and see how God worked in my life to bring about my marriage, my “road to Damascus” conversion, my time in the “desert”--when I didn’t pray at all--that eventually led to a deeper faith. Good things, amazing grace moments, horrible tragedy, and hard life circumstances are all present in my sanctification process. I can’t point to one thing. And I’ve never heard God speak to me directly. I have sometimes felt led to do or say things that I believe were nudges of the Holy Spirit. And I have learned so much about God’s nature and His promises through studying Scripture. (I have so much more to learn!) The main thing that I have learned is that I am here to learn to love Him and to glorify Him in all I do. So, if I’m struggling with knowing what God wants me to do in a situation, I don’t sit and wait for Him to “speak” to me. I know that He wants me to make a decision. So, I ask myself, “Will this glorify Him?” Or, “Is this going to cause me to sin against Him in some way?” In that way, I find peace in my choices and feel strengthened in my faith. Not that I’m saying that I never sin. It’s an hour-to-hour struggle, right? I’m referring to those big decisions like career and family and the tough choices that we wish God would clearly tell us, “Do this!” I know there are people out there who believe God speaks to them. That’s wonderful, but that’s not me. And if that’s not you, be encouraged that you are not alone.