Daughter Dilemmas
Welcome to week twenty-eight of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.
Money ruined my family, & my dad is really abusive & manipulative towards my mother & I. He always creates fake stories so that other people will dislike my mom, & my siblings listen to him. I am the only one who actually knows what happened, but nobody listens because I am a kid. I know God gave us challenges so that we can get closer to Him, but it has been over 10 years & this thing is still happening & getting worse. My mom has become really depressed & I am scared she might lose herself. Sometimes I feel depressed, too. Recently, my father wanted to take all the money by himself- everything. I want to help mom fight back, but I feel like I can't do anything. I don't want to see my mom hurt anymore. What can I do?
If your father is abusing your mother and she is unwilling to call the police and report him immediately. There is a national domestic abuse hotline that you can call for help: 1-800-799-7233. Or, please talk to a counselor or teacher at your school or the pastor at your church. God does give us challenges so that we will draw closer to Him sometimes, but He also puts others in our lives so that we can turn to them for help. Encourage your mom to talk to someone too. Depression is a serious condition and both of you need help to deal with it. And if your father is hurting her, or stealing from her, and has been doing it for years then it needs to be reported to the police so he can face the consequences.
My boyfriend & I are both Christians & we have not had sex because we want to wait until after marriage, but sometimes when we can't help it & we do get very "touchy" around each other- to a point we know is wrong. We keep trying to stop it, but it's very hard. What do we do?
Waiting until marriage is very difficult and the further you go sexually the more difficult it becomes. You need to have a conversation about boundaries and how far you will allow yourselves to go and honor that set boundary. Stopping in the heat of the moment is not easy, but if you have decided beforehand, it helps. You also need to remove yourself from the situation. Go to a place where it’s inappropriate to make out. The Bible says to refrain from sexual impurity/immorality. ( 1 Thessalonians 4: 3-8, 1 Cor. 6:18-20) A lot of people want to believe that this only means pornography or adultery or some other sexual sin--and it DOES! But it also means “fornication” which is sex outside of or before marriage. Sex is meant to enhance the marriage relationship. Our bodies are created so wonderfully that they release endorphins and other chemicals that allow for bonding with our spouse. If we are sexually active before marriage, our brains don’t do that. Sure, they still release the feel good chemicals during orgasm, but not the bonding ones. That’s one of the reasons it’s so special and needs to be saved for marriage. You are fearfully and wonderfully made to glorify God in all that you do. Sexual sin doesn’t glorify God, it glorifies you. It breaks God’s heart because He wants what’s best for you. If you’re having trouble stopping, ask yourself: If Jesus were to return right now, is this what I want to be doing?
I have been struggling with prayer. I do pray from time to time, but I don't feel the connection so it feels hopeless. I was once a powerful praying woman until I saw something while praying. I got scared & now that I want it I cannot connect to the Holy Spirit again & I feel empty.
I don’t know what you mean by “saw something,” but any scary vision you may have experienced was not from God. The evil spirit that sent it, wanted this very result--for you to pull away from being a “powerful praying woman” because you were instrumental in furthering God’s kingdom. Sometimes it feels like God’s not listening and that can cause us to harbor anger that pulls us away from that connection we feel to the Holy Spirit. I find that when I don’t feel God near, it’s because I moved away, not Him. Maybe I didn’t even notice it happening. But it’s frustrating when we want God to fix things and He doesn’t. Or He doesn’t move the mountains I’m wanting Him to move. But the root of those prayers is my worldly desires, not my need for forgiveness and my praise, and my thankfulness that His plan is better than my plan. Don’t let the evil one plant seeds of doubt in your heart by leaving you with that empty feeling. Memorize Scripture and sing hymns of praise and fill your heart with the joy of your salvation in Christ so that you can truly feel the Holy Spirit again.
How do I know what a promise from God is? A few years back during a time of prayer, I was shown a vision of what God was saying He’d do. Well, He answered that, but it all turned to dust exactly a year later. But a part of that vision hasn’t come into fruition. Now, I am here & have been nurturing my broken heart for over a year- waiting for God to come through. It honestly feels as though He is stringing me along, causing me to depend on Him as if He hasn’t allowed my heartbreak, & blessing those who rejected His will.
The promises of God are the same for all of us, and they are in the Bible. He has promised to fight for us. He has promised us peace and strength and courage and wisdom--when we ask for it. He has promised eternal life for those that believe in Jesus’ saving work on the cross. He has promised to come again in glory to raise the living and the dead and bring heaven to earth. God answers prayer all the time but only when He is glorified through it because it’s part of His will/plan. Don’t fall for the “name it and claim it” gospel. That’s not from God and it’s not Biblical. Our purpose in life is to glorify God in all that we do. Are you glorifying Him by longing for worldly things and mourning over worldly losses? Maybe those promises you thought were from God were really the father of lies whispering in your ear so you would seek to glorify yourself, and God letting those dreams “turn to dust” was His way of turning you back to the right direction. And sometimes it is hard to see others, who don’t love the Lord, prosper when we struggle, but we are called to focus on Jesus and what he’s done for us not on our circumstances. So stop waiting, sister, and fix your eyes on the Savior with joy, knowing that whatever He has in store for you is for His glory and your good.
Hello! I have a simple question that dawned on me today. I've never fasted before & I'm greatly looking forward to doing it Wed-Friday. How do you know what you should be fasting? I really don't have a clue of what I should fast.
Hi there! Sorry that it takes us so long to answer questions. We get so many. You have probably already begun and ended your fast, but I will answer for future reference and for others considering fasting. Fasting is meant to draw us closer to God. It doesn’t have to be food. It can be a TV show, or for example, for Lent this year, I gave up watching the news in the morning. During that time that I normally watched the news, I worked on memorizing Scripture. I believe fasts work best if you do spend time in prayer, singing hymns, devotional, journaling, reading the Bible, memorizing Scripture or anything else that draws you closer in relationship to God. Like, if you give up dinner, use the time you would have spent preparing and eating dinner to be with the Lord. If you give up chocolate--and I know that’s a sacrifice--what are you doing in place of eating chocolate? Anything? Because the point is not just to deny yourself a worldly desire, it’s to let that sacrifice remind you of Jesus’ sacrifice so that you give glory to God. Too many times, I have “given up” something for Lent, and not “taken up” time with God in its place and the meager sacrifice didn’t grow my relationship with God at all. So, what was the point? Glorifying myself so I could tell others of my amazing self-control? Um, probably. That’s why the Bible says not to tell anyone when you’re fasting. (Matthew 6) It’s not about your sacrifice. It’s about Jesus’ sacrifice. Keep that in mind and whatever you choose to deny yourself will have a real impact on your heart and your relationship with God.
How do I find my way back to God? I am currently going through my second divorce & have two children (a 3-year-old & a 2-month-old) I am raising as a result of these marriages. I have been saved for a long time & we all go through seasons in our walk but this feels different. I feel angry that this is happening to me again & don't understand why.
The reason it feels different is the anger. It’s so easy to get angry with God, but what is the root of that anger? God is not giving us our worldly desires that we think we deserve because we’ve been faithful and good, right? But have we? No. No one is good. (Romans 3:10-12)No one is faithful enough. Even Paul said he struggled with sin. The fact is, we don’t deserve anything but hell. Sometimes we forget that. We forget how amazing grace is. We forget that there are so many wonderful things in our lives and focus on all the difficult circumstances. We take our eyes off Jesus, and, like Peter, we sink into the crashing waves (Matt. 14:22-33), bewildered as to why God would do this to us. But He’s not doing it to us. We’re doing it to ourselves by adapting a worldly perspective instead of an eternal one. Find your way back to God, by first admitting that you have sinned against Him in your self-righteous anger and ask for forgiveness. Then, daily, count your blessings and give thanks for them. Then, with a fresh perspective, fix your eyes on the one who is always faithful. The one who sacrificed everything so that you won’t go to hell, but instead get to live on in heaven. Find your joy in that. And remember, what goes in, is what comes out. Take a hard look at what you’re feeding on. This world is full of entertaining things, but are those things piling on the anger by causing you to covet or commiserate, or are they glorifying God? Fill your soul with Bible study, uplifting music, Moody radio, and podcasts of Gospel-centered sermons. And don’t neglect going to church. Find a Gospel-centered church that provides you with a community of believers to hold you accountable and lift you up. (Maybe a PCA church.)
I have been saved by Jesus for a year & a half & am in search of defending our faith among other religions. Satan is attacking my mind. He is creating doubts & leading me to the wrong path. In a devastating situation now. Need help & solution.
Since you haven’t given me any details about your situation, I don’t know how to advise you. I would like to recommend a good book that gives you all the information you need to defend your Christian faith. It’s called, So What’s The Difference by Fritz Ridenour and it explores 20 different religions and how they compare to Christianity.
I'm having a huge issue with procrastination & it's eating me alive. I know I could choose to buckle down & get my work done, but I never do. Numerous visits to my counselor haven't helped. Does the Bible say anything about how I can overcome something like this?
The Bible is very clear that we should do everything as if we are working for the Lord and our desire should be to glorify Him in it. If you’ve seen a counselor, have you explored depression as a cause for your lack of motivation? Or self-sabotage due to self-esteem issues? Or fatigue? Maybe you have sleep apnea and aren’t getting restorative sleep. (Not that you can use that as an excuse to continue in sin, but so that you can get treatment as you work toward finding the motivation to avoid the sin.) If you’ve ruled those things out, then it could be a sin issue. Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins. (Although these are not specifically listed in Scripture but derived from church tradition and the Catholic catechism.) Sloth/laziness is basically what procrastination is, and the Bible does call it sin. Overcoming any repetitive sin issue requires a lot of prayer and self-discipline. Sin can have a stronghold on our hearts that is hard to shake. Even Paul struggled with it. (Romans 7:15-20) I say this to encourage you, not to cause you to despair that if even Paul struggled then how can we have hope? We all sin all the time. That’s what makes God’s saving grace so amazing--the fact that we don’t deserve it. But faith without works is useless and we all should strive to glorify God in all we do, not give up and let the father of lies whisper in our ears that it’s pointless. I urge you to grow in your walk with God through Bible study and filling your spirit with songs of praise and Gospel-centered sermons. Maybe you can memorize motivational Scripture verses and set them around the house. Motivation can be found in Col. 3:23-24, Ecc. 9:10, Luke 16:10, Heb. 6:11-12, Phil. 2:12-12. You also have to figure out your triggers. Are you avoiding your work in favor of doing something else like binge-watching TV shows? Give up Netflix or only watch as a reward for a job well done. “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control,” 2 Tim. 1:7, ESV.
I’ve recently had a dilemma with my job. It has been brought to my attention that I have “technically” been lying every day- unbeknownst to me. I’ve been documenting that I am doing my job “offsite” when I’m actually “onsite”. I know this seems confusing to understand how I could not know this, but I thought my location was considered off-site & kind of still do. However, if I change the way I do my job, I won’t meet the requirements of my job & I fear I will be fired. I’m at a loss of what to do. I need to meet my quotas, but I don’t want to lie. I know that all sin is equal in God’s eyes, but I’m not sure if I’m lying or not. I know if I change the way I complete my job it will get others in trouble as well as myself. Please help.
I’m so sorry. I don’t really understand what you’re saying, but I can tell that it’s really burdening your heart. Is there a way that you can speak to a supervisor about the mistake in documentation? Maybe explain that you thought you were off-site and ask to explain why it’s technically onsite and then admit that you misunderstood and have been doing it wrong? Pray that God will reveal a way for you to do the right thing so your heart won’t be troubled. God knows your heart and He loves you and knows that it was accidental. But now that you know the truth, it is best to set things right. Maybe if others were documenting it incorrectly too, you can speak to the supervisor together. I don’t really understand how it relates to your quotas, but I’ll be praying that you find a solution that allows you to walk in truth and keep your job.
I have a major fear of the sins of this world. I’m a senior in high school & I’ve seen so many people leave my Christian school & go into college & lose themselves in so many sins. I’m terrified that it’ll be too much for me to handle & am therefore so scared to graduate & be in college. What can I do to know I’m under the protection of God from those things?
The fact that you’re worried about it, means you’re starting out from a better perspective than those people you have seen that gave in to their worldly desires. It does seem to happen more often in homeschooled or Christian schooled people. I believe that this is because they start thinking that their parents have forced their faith on them and they are harboring resentment. When you first start college there is an incredible sense of freedom. You’re an adult on your own, making your own decisions. You can go to class--or not. You can party. Who’s going to know? Who’s going to stop you? A lot of kids harboring resentment fall into that mindset when they get that first taste of freedom. But that kind of freedom will quickly turn into failing classes, big regrets, and major consequences from sinful behavior. The only true freedom is the freedom Christ gave us by dying on the cross to pay for our sin. We were destined to die for our sins, but now we get to live on in heaven. If we have a true saving faith that comes with a clear understanding of that, then we want to live our lives in such a way that we glorify God in all we do--not treat his sacrifice like it doesn’t mean anything. The problem is, they start thinking that maybe the world is right and religion is just a bunch of rules that they are tired of following. All you need to do is remember that religion and faith are not the same thing. Faith is walking in obedience to God because you trust in His will for you. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus and you won’t lose yourself in sin. And join some campus ministry groups. I highly recommend RUF (Reformed University Fellowship). They meet weekly, plus, do fun things together, and have Bible studies. Surrounding yourself with like-minded Christians will help a lot.
I find myself sometimes forgetting my faith & losing myself in the hustle & bustle of life, not remembering to stop & find time to praise God for all that I have. How can I make sure to not steer so far from God so often & feel so overwhelmed?
You and me both, sister. Life is complicated and so very busy. What I try to do that helps is pray before I get out of bed in the morning (during the “snooze”), listen to Christian radio in the car (music but also sermons like on Moody radio), and participate in Bible studies every chance I get. The most vital thing is to not lose our focus on what’s important. (Put down what’s good, pick up what’s best = prioritize.) The hustle and bustle of this life is necessary, but it’s not important. This world is temporary and filled with sin and brokenness. Our relationship with Christ is eternal. He is our rock amid the whirlwind of the world and we must fix our eyes on Him in order to not be overwhelmed.