Daughter Dilemmas

Welcome to week twenty-nine of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

I was never really loved since birth. I was sexually abused by my father & verbally/emotionally abused by my mother. The only happiness I had in life was being part of the worship team at a young age at church. I was a tween, but allowed to sing with adults/on my own. I married young, trying to get away from home & that didn't work out. I divorced & had to return with my child to live with my mother. I went to college & got two degrees, but started becoming ill. Now, I have been diagnosed with a musculoskeletal disease among a few other things & cannot work or drive. I am isolated & have no friends. My mother is still as abusive as she was before, except now she sometimes targets my child. Every day is a struggle & I do not know what to do. I believe the Lord can do all things, but sometimes I'm afraid nothing is happening because I cannot go to church. I also have autism & even though I am high functioning, I'm not great at starting conversations. I miss being active in church & wish my life would turn around. I even wish I could help others like me somehow & remarry. I just do not know what to do. Is waiting & praying enough? Or am I being disrespectful by thinking God will help somebody like me who does not know how to take action?

You are not being disrespectful at all! You are in a very difficult situation. You may already know this, but you can get disability checks from the government as well as help with transportation. You might even qualify for other programs that I don’t know about. Would that give you enough money to find a different place to live? Can you go speak to your pastor and see if anyone can pick you and your child up for church? You could also ask if anyone at your church might rent you and your child a room. Ask if there is a Bible study you could join so that you can have some social interaction and see if anyone would be willing to pick you up for that. I’m sure there are people that could help you, but they just don’t know that you need help. For the sake of your child, please try to find a different living situation. And for the sake of your own sanity, ask for help. If no one at your church will help, try a different church. Don’t give up. God loves you and He knows your heart and He will work all things for His glory and your good. We will be praying for your strength and that God will deliver you from this difficult situation.   

I am a young woman who wants to do pharmacy. I applied for medicine but did not get in, so my family nudged me to consider nursing. I love helping the patients, but I just do not see myself as a nurse. I want to do so much more, but due to several things, I failed a module. I am repeating it, but now I do not know if I will be able to pass pharmacy if I go ahead with this application. 

I admire you for sticking to your dreams. I think you should definitely try if pharmacy is what you want to do. A lot of people don’t do well in their first year of school because it’s such a huge life adjustment and because they don’t have clear goals. Maybe now that you know what you want it will be easier to focus. Both pharmacy and nursing require a lot of hard work and memorization because medications have so many names and side effects and drug interactions. Neither path will be easy. But nothing worthwhile is. Try not to neglect your walk with God as you get caught up in school. Maintaining your prayer life will help keep your life on track so you don’t lose perspective. Whether you pass or fail, your relationship with Christ will be your anchor. 

My parents' marriage is severely off & they dislike each other openly. They constantly talk bad about each other & fight all the time. A lot of the time, they bring me & my siblings into it. They have split many times & I feel as if the next time is coming, & it might be permanent. I cannot choose between them, yet they ask me all the time what I would do. What do I do?

Our parents are meant to model Christ’s love in their marriage, but if they don’t love the Lord, they can’t do that. Sadly, we have a very high divorce rate in this world because people expect the person they love to “make them happy.” But we aren’t supposed to find our happiness in other people or in our circumstances. We are supposed to find our joy in our relationship with Christ and then show love to others by loving them the way Christ loved us. It’s not your job to fix your parent’s marriage. All you can do is ask them not to talk about the other one in front of you or ask you to pick sides. You can’t force them to behave like adults or stop being so selfish. And they’ll probably resent you and get angry with you for trying. Just pray for them. Pray that the Holy Spirit will open their eyes to the truth of the Gospel and show them how they are sinning against each other and against you. And pray that God will give you peace and wisdom and the right words at the right time. Don’t blame yourself for any of it and try to keep yourself and your siblings away from it. Encourage them to get counseling from a pastor. God wants them to honor their marriage vows, but if they are unwilling to work on their relationship with Him, there isn’t much hope that they’ll work on their relationship with each other.   

How can we be sure of salvation? Whenever I think I’m saved, a few days later I’ll see something like a post on Instagram saying “repent!” And I’m back to square one. I feel like I’ve committed the worst possible sins & that, no matter what I do or say (bearing in mind that I know works don’t save), I just cannot believe I am ever going to be sure of salvation, although that’s all I want in this world.

As Christians, we do need daily repentance because being saved doesn’t mean suddenly transforming into a good or perfect person. We continue to sin. Even Paul struggled with it. (Romans 7: 15-24) If the Holy Spirit has opened your eyes to the understanding that Jesus took the punishment you deserved when He went to the cross and then defeated death by rising again so that we can go to heaven, then you are saved. You don’t have to doubt your salvation. And although works don’t save us, faith without works is useless. We are called to glorify God in all we do. Can we do that perfectly this side of heaven? No. But that is the goal. Our sanctification process (God making us more Christ-like) is ongoing. Don’t let past sins, that you have already been forgiven for, stop you from pressing on toward the goal. If it is repetitive sin that you can’t seem to give up, try to figure out your triggers. Once you’ve done that, you can avoid them. It helps to confide in a friend who can hold you accountable and who you can call when you’re tempted. Don’t listen to the father of lies when he plants doubts in your heart that you aren’t worthy of forgiveness. None of us are worthy. That’s what makes God’s love and grace and mercy so amazing.    

I am really struggling to respect the man in my life. It all started when he broke my trust & my heart 3 years ago. But, with God's strength, I forgave him & have continued to work at that. Respect is such an important part of a relationship. How can I encourage the growth of respect that used to be there?

The fact that you forgave him is huge. It’s a leap of faith in itself. But forgiving the breach of trust and being able to respect him again are two different things. He has work to do in re-building your trust and respect. And that takes time. We are called to forgive and forget, but we are not God. We are human. And forgetting a hurt takes time too. I encourage you to do a couples Bible study. Let him take the lead. As you grow in faith together, maybe you will begin to see the new him--the repentant, Godly version--with new eyes that can respect him for who he is now.  

I want to get a tattoo on June 12 to celebrate what will be 6 months clean from self-harm. I have been planning & saving up for this for months. My mom has always told me I cannot get a tattoo until I’m on my own insurance. I am now old enough to get one on my own  & my job will definitely allow me to pay for it, but my mom has been abundantly clear that I cannot get one while living at home. Six months clean is a very big deal because self-harm is an addiction, but my parents do not understand that. How do I find a happy medium that pleases everyone?

Six months clean is a very big deal. I do find it odd that a painful tattoo is what you want to do to celebrate abstaining from self-harm. Could the fact that it’s painful be what’s motivating your desire? If so, doesn’t that defeat the purpose? If not, could you choose another way to celebrate this time and maybe do a tattoo at one year? Or do a henna tattoo now and a real tattoo after you are on your own insurance? If you’re set on a tattoo, try taking your mom with you to the tattoo parlor and letting her help you pick the design and the location on your body. Tattoos are permanent and she may just be worried that you’re going to regret it. Maybe if you choose something small, in a place that can be easily covered like your shoulder or ankle or hip, she’d be more agreeable. And I’d personally like to recommend that if you do get one, you get a cross to remind you that Jesus loves you so much that He was willing to die for you, or a Scripture verse that has significant meaning for you. That way, every time you see it, you’ll remember God’s amazing grace and love. 

I struggle with self-confidence every single day. I am a single mom & financially struggling at the moment, too. My question is, how do I keep trusting God without complaining every time I pray? How do I find the joy in things, especially having to split my time with my children with their dad?

I’m so sorry you’re struggling. We are not meant to find joy in our worldly circumstances. (It’s just a sweet bonus when we do.) We are meant to find joy in our relationship with God. Life is hard and the daily struggle can make us too tired to even have a relationship with God. But that’s where I recommend you start. Before you get out of bed in the morning (maybe when you hit the snooze?), pray. But don’t approach prayer like it’s a honey-do list for God. He’s not a supernatural handyman out to fix our lives. Prayer transforms our perspective. Your perspective is out of whack and that’s what’s making you miserable. Prayer reminds us of our blessings, the needs of others, and that God is supreme and His will needs to be done--not ours. If nothing else, just say The Lord’s Prayer. (Really mean it.) Lift up His name with thanks and praise. List your blessings and give thanks so you don’t complain. List your sins and ask forgiveness to remind you that we have no right to complain anyway. (He is God and we are not.) Our difficult circumstances can be overwhelming, which is why, like Peter, we can’t look down at the crashing waves (Matt. 14:22-33). We have to fix our eyes on the Savior. He loved you so much that he died for you--and death on a cross is brutal. But Hebrews 12:2 tells us He did it for the JOY set before Him. That joy was you and your salvation. So, that’s what we have to remember. This world and its troubles are temporary. Our salvation is eternal and our reward for making every effort to glorify Him in all we do is eternal life that is so amazing we can’t even wrap our puny brains around it. Stop looking down at the crashing waves. Look up and be transformed.   

Three years ago, I fell in love with a guy from my church. He comes to my church only in summer because he lives in another country. The pastor is his uncle and my best friend is his sister. When I met him, he was in a long distance relationship with a girl from my church but then they broke up. When he was single, he used to be very nice to me and we had some special moments, but I did not talk to him much because I was scared of being too obvious. Now he has a girlfriend (this one lives in his country). I still like him and pray for him. Should I forget about him or keep praying?

Unless his circumstances change and God puts him back in your life, it doesn’t seem like this could work out the way that you hope. There is not just one soul mate out there for each person. So, stop looking in the wrong direction and start paying attention to the men already in your life. Maybe one of them could be a better fit for you. Maybe not. God’s timing is perfect, though. Don’t lose hope as you wait. And as you wait, let growing in your relationship with God be more important in your heart than finding a boyfriend. He tends to work in our lives in ways that are beyond our dreams when we have our eyes fixed on Him instead of ourselves and our desires.  

Hello! Thank you for giving people an opportunity to be vulnerable and ask questions! For some reason, this question nags my heart: Is it okay for a school teacher to yell at their students? I have had a certain teacher for a whole school year now & her attitude towards students can be quite rude. I do not think she understands how she truly comes across. Sometimes I feel like I am being too much of a suck-up, but other times I feel like I am called to love even when I'm being scolded & feel shamed.

It is absolutely NOT okay for a teacher to yell and scold and shame his/her students. We are called to love each other so I don’t want to condemn him/her without knowing the circumstances, but I hope that this teacher is overstressed and doesn’t realize the harmful way he/she is responding. That still doesn’t excuse it but may explain it. It might be necessary to report him/her to the principal. As long as you are being respectful, there is no reason for you to feel stuck up or ashamed by the way his/her words make you feel. But, with respect, bring your concerns to your parents and ask if they can bring it to the principal.