Daughter Dilemmas

Welcome to week thirty-two of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.  

I'm struggling to find the motivation to read my Bible, listen to sermons, etc. I really want to do it, but every time I choose to watch TV instead.

I am right there with you. I think a lot of people are. I love reading fiction, but I struggle with reading the Bible. This world is very entertaining and it’s hard to find the motivation to read and study anything when we are tired and just want to relax–especially when we’re working full time.One way I motivate myself, is by asking myself, “Why am I here?” (Or the catechism question: What is the chief end of man?) The answer is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. And that’s the thing. Do I enjoy Him? Do I find my joy in Him? Do I find my rest in Him? Or do I plop down on the couch and binge watch a series? Can I do both? I think so. I think there can be balance. (As long as what you’re watching is not full of sex and violence.) But what do I prioritize and what truly brings me rest? That has to be the Word of God.One thing I’ve started doing is memorizing Scripture. I can go over it in my head when I’m driving or washing dishes or whatever. I take it in very small pieces and it takes me forever, but it keeps my eyes fixed on Jesus–which reminds me of the joy I have in my salvation.For reading the Bible, the best motivation for me is Bible study. Either joining a class or downloading something and doing it on my own. (Jen Wilken has some great free studies to download under “resources” with accompanying podcasts that are short and engaging.) Classes are better because they hold you accountable to do the work. If I’m doing it on my own, I HAVE to schedule it.You also should choose something that really resonates with you so that you look forward to it. I love Nancy Guthrie’s Seeing Jesus In The Old Testament series. She blew me away with all of the parallels and symbolism that I’d never noticed. And the “homework” is divided into days. I also recently found a great resource called monergism.com that lets you search for sermons and commentary by verse, topic or author. I use that when I’m struggling to understand or want a deeper understanding of a passage.If you don’t have access to a Bible study, start one. Have two or three friends join you. Meet weekly and don’t worry about having a leader, just go over your questions together. If there are some that you all struggled with or that brought up more questions, bring them to your pastor–don’t say you don’t have time, send him an email. I bet you’ll find that when the study is over, you will miss it and be anxious to start a new one.Remember Philippians 4:8. What you pour in, is what you pour out. So fill your heart and mind with Spiritual things. Listen to sermons and podcasts and Christian music. Find your local Moody Bible radio station. Go to church every chance you get so that you are surrounding yourself with uplifting hymns and praying believers. It makes a huge difference.

As a first generation Christian, I’ve known God my entire life & I’ve seen for myself how much He loves me, but when it comes to answering difficult questions from my pre-believing friends, I realize how much knowledge I actually lack & doubt my own faith in the process. How can I overcome this? Because I know I love God, so much, & I know He is real, but I don’t know how to explain what I don’t know.

I’ve found The Case For Christ by Lee Strobel to be an excellent source for answering those questions. Bible study is another great way to grow in the knowledge of God. There is also a book based on The Westminster Confession of Faith (a thorough explanation of what Reformed protestants believe--but a little over my head) called The Shorter Catechism. It answers ALL the questions and gives Scripture references to back up the answers. 

I’m baptized & I wonder why am I not able to speak in tongues... am I forsaken?

Absolutely not! God gives us all different gifts so that we can be His hands and feet in this fallen, broken world. Speaking in tongues may be a gift that draws the individual closer to God, but if there is no one to interpret it, there is no value in it for others. (1 Cor. 14) If you’re speaking words to God that you don’t understand and there is no one to hear them and understand what the message is from the Holy Spirit, how does that glorify God or draw you closer to God or help others see God in you? I’m not trying to disparage the people in your church that do this, Paul says it’s a good thing, I just want you to see that it has nothing to do with your salvation or glorifying God. Do not let others shame you for not having this gift. Most churches do not have this practice. Mine doesn’t, and I don’t speak in tongues and never have. I did meet a woman once who tried to make me feel bad about that, so I think I understand the kind of pressure your church family may be putting on you. Please do not let this trouble your heart. God loves you and has gifted you in many other ways. This is not a salvation issue at all!

I recently became a Christian but all my friends are not. They are not bad people, & I really do not want to replace them. I feel a lot of pressure from older people to “not mix with the darkness.” What would Jesus want me to do?

Jesus doesn’t want you to “mix with the darkness” either. It’s way too easy to get sucked into behaviors that don’t glorify God when you’re hanging out with people who don’t believe. At the same time, God wants you to be a light to those people by continuing to love them. So, how do you do both? You have to set boundaries. For example, you can’t watch “R” rated films or engage in gossip or use foul language when you’re with them. If they do it, don’t participate, but also don’t be judgmental. They need to see the change in your priorities without feeling like you think you’re superior. It’s a fine line and very difficult to walk. Maybe too difficult if you’re not yet strong enough in your faith, which is why you’ve been counseled to stay away from them. We are called to glorify God in all that we do. We can’t do that if we don’t become new people with new perspectives because our old selves are only interested in glorifying themselves. We can now see things through the perspective that we are sinful and must have a Savior to be forgiven and have eternal life. We continue to sin, we’re just more aware of it and repentant. But when we surround ourselves with people who think they’re “good” and don’t need saving, that attitude starts trying to rub off on us. It doesn’t mean we lose our salvation, it just means we may allow ourselves to fall back into patterns of sin or to hide how we really feel so our friends don’t make fun of us. And that pulls us away from our relationship with God. Be a light to your old friends, but make some new Christian friends that can encourage you in your walk with God. 

Would you consider it wrong/sinful to highlight the Bible? I have tried Googling it but the answers are fairly divided.

I used to think it was sacrilegious, but when I joined the PCA church twenty-five years ago, I started a study by Kay Arthur who uses inductive Bible study methods called Precept where you use colored pencils and highlighters and mark the Bible up all over. My Bibles are covered in notes now. I just got a new “notes” Bible for Christmas that has more space for writing notes. Study Bibles are great, but if you aren’t using one, how are you going to remember all the excellent points about a passage from a sermon or study if you don’t make a note of it? The Bible is the only book that you can never finish. It is God’s Word. It is a living, communication from our Father. So, yes, it’s Holy. But it’s also meant to teach us. Notes don’t “add” to it. They help us interpret it and enhance our learning, which can only serve to draw us closer to God. 

As women of Christ, how do we take a political stance on Biblically sound principles? How do we get people’s attention when women are overlooked in the male-dominated profession of politics?

Bloom where you’re planted. You have to start locally by joining political groups or starting political groups that make your voice heard. Or, you can run for office. This would be a good time for that, considering we have a president that actually supports a lot of Biblically sound policies. Evangelicals are very supportive of him for this reason. We also have a vice president who is a believer. And you can join me in praying for the salvation of those in leadership roles. The way this country is falling apart around us because of the un-Biblical principles is heartbreaking. My little contribution is this column where we try to point people to Jesus. Daughter of Delight is growing people in Christ all over the world. So, if you aren’t interested in running for office, you might try building a social media platform to affect change. God Bless you in your efforts! 

My boyfriend & I are both Christians, but he has struggled for a long time with pornography & lust. He wants to be free from it so badly, but he just cannot break the addiction. He is also losing faith in being able to overcome it & does not believe God can truly free him from it all. This has really affected our relationship & sometimes I just do not know what to do. God can make everyone free from it, right? And may I ask for prayer? He has thought about taking his life because all hope has been lost for him.

God doesn’t supernaturally cure us from addiction. But when our hearts and minds are filled with love for God, there’s no room for love of ourselves and that’s how God frees us. Porn addiction is similar to opioid addiction and very difficult to stop. It does weaken a relationship with God because it is so self-focused instead of God-focused. He needs a support group. He needs to join a Bible study and worship regularly and fill his mind with pure things. What we put in, is what we pour out. And because of that, porn addiction can destroy his life and the lives of those he loves. See my answer from week three here. (EM--ADD LINK)  Please seek professional help. I couldn’t find any Switzerland groups online, but here’s a link to a site that has workbooks you can use: https://freedomeveryday.org/addiction-recovery/what-is-a-sex-addict/  But he needs someone who will hold him accountable, that he can call when he’s having trouble resisting. He also needs to get rid of his computer and any other means of viewing porn. Put his phone in lockdown, so he can only use it for calls. These might seem like extreme measures, but if he’s having suicidal thoughts, it’s time to take them. We will be praying for you both. 

How do you know if the guy you “like” is who God is calling you to be with?

You know if the guy you like is the one God is calling you to be with if 1) he puts God first 2) he puts you second 3) he makes you happy 4) you want to make him happy. We aren’t given just one soul mate to find. God gives us lots of options. But we are selfish and spoiled and desire the relationship with the boyfriend more than our relationship with God. So, my advice to you is to grow in your relationship with God and put Him first in your heart. Then, you’ll see this boyfriend with new eyes and know for sure if he’s the one.  

I have a 'boyfriend' & a 'boy friend'. But I feel better with my ' boy friend' (maybe since we have known each other since we were kids) rather than my own boyfriend. Recently, I have felt like my friend cares me more than he used to & I suspect he has feelings toward me. But I've made a promise with my boyfriend to be faithful. I just don't want anyone to be hurt.

If you are having feelings for your friend, you need to have a talk with him to see where his heart lies. After that, you’ll know how to proceed with your boyfriend. Sometimes, a little hurt now can avoid a bigger hurt later if he finds out you’ve been lying to him about your feelings for this friend. Stay honest. Stay faithful to your commitment until it has officially ended. But I would question whether or not you should stay with your boyfriend even if the friend isn’t interested in a romantic relationship. The fact that you aren’t sure of a future with him could mean he’s not the right guy for you. Don’t keep him on the hook just because you don’t want to be alone. Work on your relationship with God, so that when the right person does come along, you’ll be ready.

How can I forgive someone who has treated me disrespectfully- especially when it is family? (Or just a person in general) It's hard to mend relationships when you recall what that person did to you or how they treated you. What would God want me to do?

Jesus told us to forgive others the way God forgave us. It’s even in the Lord’s Prayer that He gave us. And God’s forgiveness is based on Jesus already paying the price and our repentance. In this world, people don’t always suffer obvious consequences for their sins against others, and sometimes they aren’t even repentant. That makes it difficult to forgive. It takes time and effort. But we are called to do it, so we must try.  I’ve found that praying for that person helps soften my heart toward him/her and reminds me that I am sinful and have often hurt others with my sin too. I don’t deserve forgiveness, but through God’s grace and mercy, I receive it. So, once I let go of my self-righteousness, I can let go of the bitterness in my heart toward the person who hurt me. God wants you to remember that you are a sinner too, undeserving of forgiveness, and humbly pray for this person and show love for this person in spite of your hurt.  

I am a teenager & made some bad decisions in my past with sexual sin. I have repented & asked God for forgiveness, but I still feel so full of shame & guilt. How can I stop these feelings from overtaking me? Is it offensive to God that I still feel this way?

As far as the east is from the west, that’s how far God has removed your sin from you. (Psalm 103:12) It is forgiven and forgotten. But just because God forgives us, doesn’t mean we automatically forgive ourselves. It’s hard to let go of shame and guilt, but it’s time to fill your heart with joy instead. You are redeemed. You are set free from the burden of that shame and guilt. Because Jesus already paid the cost on the cross, you are forgiven and get to live on in heaven. Let that knowledge fill you with peace and joy. Memorize Phil. 4:8 and begin to fill up on what is good and pure and righteous. Don’t allow those thoughts of guilt and shame to crowd out your joy. You are a new person. The old person you were is dead and gone and forgotten by God. Forgive yourself and move forward with growing in your relationship with God.