Daughter Dilemmas

Welcome to week twenty-six of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.

I see a pastor I know as more of a father to me than my biological dad. This is because my biological dad is not very spiritual, does not support me in my fight against depression/addiction, & just does not make an effort to understand me. The pastor is (obviously) spiritual, has been through depression & the same addiction as me, & is extremely understanding/affectionate. Is it wrong to feel more love for the pastor than my father?

As long as you honor and respect your father and don’t throw this relationship that you have with the pastor in his face, I don’t see the harm in it. It sounds like God put this man in your life to get you through this season with your addiction. Our parents are supposed to show us the love of the Father by example but sometimes they aren’t able to and we need other mentors in our life to truly glimpse a tiny portion of how great the Father’s love is for us. But remember that your pastor has his own family. Be respectful of that too.

Any suggestions on how to do my daily devotion? Currently, I just read through the Bible & a daily devotion article & then end it with a prayer.

Devotions are very personal so I’m not sure how to advise you. There are tons of devotional books out there. If you don’t feel like what you’re doing is enough for you, I suggest finding a topical study to work through. I love Nancy Guthrie’s The One Year Book of Discovering Jesus in the Old Testament and her Abundant Life in Jesus book. Just make sure whatever you choose is Gospel-focused and not telling you to name it and claim it because you deserve it. That shallow, worldly “gospel” is stealing the joy in the name of being more joyful from those who don’t know any better and are trusting a published author does. Do your research. You want something that draws you closer to God, glorifies Him, and gives you good Scripture teaching. Another great thing to do is to memorize Scripture during your devotional time. Just spend a few minutes going over the same passage until you’ve got it memorized. (For me, it takes a long time, but it’s so worth it when I can call those verses to mind.) 

I’m confused over a matter regarding the story of Rahab. When the men were hiding in the prostitute's roof from those wishing to kill them, the prostitute (Rahab?) lied & said she knew not where they were. Sin is never once smiled upon in the Bible, however, her actions are highly regarded. May I have some help unpacking this, please?

Rahab was living in sin by being a prostitute and in such a sinful city that God told the Israelites not to spare anyone but her and her family when they attacked. She is highly regarded because she had heard of the God of the Israelites and believed in Him--without proof--then put her faith into action by protecting God’s people (the soldiers). Yes, she had to lie to do that, but consider who she was lying to and what she was risking for her faith in a God she’d only heard stories about. Then she followed up by placing the scarlet cord in her window trusting that God would save her by that simple act of faith. She is commended in Hebrews 11:31 and James 2: 24-26 for acting in faith alone with complete trust. God knew her heart and He saved her. Not only did He save her, but she is part of the lineage of Jesus. Does that mean it’s okay to lie? No. But her lie was for God’s glory not for her own glory or simply to save herself. It appears to us that it was simply to save herself, but if it was, then I don’t think she would be highly regarded or part of Christ’s lineage. When in doubt, remember that we look at things from a human perspective, but God sees the heart. 

I suffer from anxiety. As much as I’d like to surrender it all to God, my fears of failing overcome me. I get anxious over the most ridiculous things. This is affecting me & my relationship with my partner a lot & it's leading me down a path of depression & the constant need to suppress all these feelings. I fear I’ll ‘break’ soon. Sometimes, when I’m alone, I just cry it all out then go back to acting normal. I feel alone & that no one understands me. Help me, please.

If you have access to counseling, take advantage of it. Having a Christian counselor to talk to can relieve the tremendous burden that anxiety creates. If you can’t go to counseling, there are several natural remedies like passion flower and full spectrum CBD oil which can work wonders at calming anxiety. Please try them! When you feel anxious the best thing to do is to pray for peace. God can’t and doesn’t always fix things or make them work out the way we think they should, but He ALWAYS gives us peace when we ask for it. (Phil. 4:4-7) When we focus on our circumstances, it’s impossible not to feel anxious. That’s why we have to focus on the eternal, on our relationship with God. What happens to us here in this world is temporary, fleeting, and not that important in the long run. Fixing our eyes on Jesus, who humbled Himself to take on a human body so he could suffer death on a cross to pay for our sins when we don’t deserve it, kind of puts our circumstances into perspective, doesn’t it? It doesn’t matter if we fail at something in this life. What matters is getting back up, learning from it, glorifying God in it. We’re just here to learn to love Him more fully every day. Remember Peter started to sink only when he looked around at the raging storm (circumstances) but could actually walk on water when he focused on Jesus. (Matthew 14: 27-32) It might help you to memorize Scripture to quote when you’re anxious too. Here are some good verses to memorize: Isaiah 43:2, Psalm 139: 7-12, Eph. 2:8-10, Phil. 4:11-13, Matthew 6:27, 34, 2 Cor. 12:8-10, John 14:27. There are so many more. Like all the “Do Not Fear” verses. My favorite: Joshua 1:9. Another great thing to do is listen to Christian music. There are so many songs that speak to my heart and lift my spirit. These things may sound like band-aids that couldn’t possibly help you, but when combined, they can work in your heart to change your perspective and truly calm your anxious heart. 

My husband & I have been living with his family for about three years due to financial reasons. We now have the most amazing baby boy who just turned 9 months. The situation is always so hard & I am trying to be respectful to my in-laws always, but they treat me like a border and not like family. My father-in-law has even called me an outsider and my mother-in-law has made it clear I am not her choice for a daughter-in-law. I try my best & pray constantly for God to guide me through this but I am a wreck. Help?

It is stressful to live with relatives under the best circumstances, but when they aren’t even treating you as family, it can seem unbearable. Three years is a long time. Is there a light at the end of this tunnel or are you pretty much stuck there? If you won’t be leaving anytime soon, then, as painful as it is, you have to accept that there is nothing you can do to change their attitude toward you. Just continue to be the best wife and mother and daughter-in-law that you can. Treat them with love and respect and go out of your way to help them with housework and cooking and never take their babysitting for granted. Be the best houseguest ever! Remember that it is their house and they are doing you a tremendous favor by letting you live there at great expense to their privacy and pocketbook. Maybe you need to talk to your husband about how stressful this is for you and both of you can come up with a plan for saving that will allow you to move out. Whatever you do, remember that you need to glorify God in your actions. If they aren’t Christians, you have a unique opportunity to show them the love of Christ. Pray that God will show you how best to do that and that He will give you peace and a thankful heart. 

I believe I have a good heart, but lately I've been questioning it. When someone makes me upset, I can treat them badly or be rude. Afterward, I feel bad because I'm a really nice person & I believe my intentions are so pure. It feels weird to be mean, but sometimes anger gets the best of me. I'm struggling with maintaining a pure heart & nice attitude towards people when they make me upset or if I'm just having mood swings. I know we're supposed to love & treat everyone equally, I really want to be a true example in God with how I treat people. Any advice?

Everyone struggles with this because we are all selfish. None of us has a “good heart.” (Romans 3:10) Our sin nature is hard to fight. Even Paul struggled with it. (Romans 7:15-20) No one has pure motives. But we are called to love others as much as we love ourselves. We are also called to love God with all of our heart, soul and mind. So, that has to be the priority. Because if we first try to walk in love with God, putting our focus on how He loved us enough to save us from death by sending Christ to take the punishment for our sins so that we could have eternal life, then it transforms how we relate to others. When I remember that I am sinful and quick-tempered and selfish, but God will forgive my sins because of Christ, then it’s easier for me to forgive others. Remember the Lord’s prayer says: forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us. Yikes! Thank goodness He doesn’t base my forgiveness on how well I forgive others. He gave us that reminder in the Lord’s prayer to give us a picture of His heart for us. Call that to mind when you are struggling to love others well. 

I came close to having sex with my ex-boyfriend. My actions are sinful in God's eyes, so when I realized what I did was wrong, I went to God & asked for His forgiveness. But every now & then, my brain reminds me of my past deeds & develops a sense of guilt for having done what I did. The memory also leads me to masturbate, which is another sinful act. How can I overcome masturbation, memories of past deeds & the sense of guilt for having done what I did?

Since you have repented and asked forgiveness, you have been forgiven. Everyone struggles with guilt and sin. We are human and can’t even go an hour without sinning. That’s why God sent Jesus to save us from our sin. Even Paul struggled with this. (Read Romans 7: 15-20) But Psalm 103: 11-14 assures us that He not only can forgive us, he will remove His memory of our sin as far as the east is from the west. That’s pretty far. Because of Jesus, paying the price for our sin, it is forgiven AND forgotten. Now you have to forgive yourself. I know that’s easier said than done, especially when you have fallen into a cycle of new sin through masturbation. (We have covered why masturbation is difficult to give up and strategies for doing so here. But you can do this! You can do all things through Christ. Because when we fix our eyes on Him our baggage falls away. It is of this world, and He is eternal.  

I know I have to fix my eye on Christ rather than other things, but sometimes I just can’t. What can I do to always have my eye on Him & not other things?

You are not alone. We live in a world full of “other things” and are all very ADD when it comes to focusing on Christ. The fact that you are struggling means you are a step ahead of most people who let their relationship with Christ take second place. When we “fix our eyes” on Christ, that means that in every circumstance we remember that this world is temporary, but He is eternal. It’s a mindset, a perspective, that keeps us joyful in all circumstances. To keep from getting distracted, stay in Bible study, memorize Scripture, sing songs of praise, enjoy His amazing creation (more than Hollywood’s and Microsoft’s creations), listen to Christian radio. It’s what you feed on that keeps you Christ-focused. There are a lot of great “other” things out there that it’s okay to enjoy too, as long as they don’t stop you from keeping your relationship with Christ in first place in your heart and they don’t keep you from glorifying God in all that you do.