Daughter Dilemmas
Welcome to week fifteen of Daughter Dilemmas, a weekly ask column devoted to exploring hard questions, together!Asking the hard questions, the messy questions and the just plain awkward questions is important. We should not disqualify them simply because of the discomfort they bring.Finding the courage to ask honest, hard questions enables us to see that others are asking the exact same thing. It spurs (much needed) conversation and allows us to consider perspectives we may not have otherwise considered.*Please note: We are not therapists, doctors or life coaches. Our answers are not intended to give you an instant fix, but instead to point you to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Our response to each of the questions below are rooted in what we believe to be true according to our understanding of the Gospel, as well as what we believe God has laid on our hearts to share after prayerful consideration. More than anything, it is our prayer that this ask column glorifies God and blesses His people! May it encourage you in your walk with Christ and enable you to see just how much of a good thing asking hard questions can be. May it lead you into His loving embrace.To submit a question anonymously, click here.
My best friend is currently overcoming a very difficult addiction that I cannot personally relate to. To be 100% honest, it's rocked my world since she's told me. How can I continue to be a good friend while still being honest with her even though I have no personal experience to give me credibility to help her?
You don’t have to have personal experience or credibility. What you have to have is love. The simple act of admitting her sin to you, helped her. You knowing about the addiction allows you to hold her accountable, that helps. You loving her anyway without judgment, helps. It will give her the confidence to get counseling and/or join a support group. It’s a hard place to be because you’re shocked and can’t show it, you’re hurt and can’t show it, you’re out of your comfort zone and afraid. That’s normal. Reaching out to us, is one way to help yourself deal. Remembering that she’s still the same person that she was the day before she told you helps too. Pray for her and pray for strength and courage to not let your love for her be diminished by this. At the same time, you can’t support her continuing in sin. Hold her accountable. Give her tough love when it’s called for. Remind her that we are called to glorify God in all we do and this addiction doesn’t do that. Help her find a healthy, Godly outlet for the issues that are causing her addiction. Keep her on the recovery path by pointing her toward Godly counselors because she needs to work those issues out and you aren’t equipped as they are.
I know that depression takes away my strength & weakens my faith in love & in people. How can I overcome this, if in order to improve I need treatment, & for the precise treatment of money, & in those circumstances I can not find the strength to find a job to support myself?
Sweet Sister, my heart breaks for you. It is a vicious cycle, but there is free counseling available through pastors or through government programs. If you are diagnosed with depression, it is considered a disability and you can file for government assistance too. I would caution you to choose that path carefully because it could take away your motivation to work and putting yourself out there might be part of improving your mental health. The Bible says to have joy in all circumstances but sometimes our brains don’t have the right chemical balance to manage joy. There’s no shame in medication. A Christian’s joy in knowing Christ and having that deep reassurance that this world and all its troubles are only temporary--a gift--a time to grow closer to God--and the eternal life when Christ returns to make all things new is all that really matters, is truly life changing. But the fact is, that we are in this world and sometimes it’s difficult to see past our present circumstances and hang on to that joy. Strengthen your relationship with God because we need reminders. Join a Bible study and/or a prayer group. Go on hikes to see God’s glorious creation. Start each day by listing your blessings and giving thanks. (We have answered a similar question here.)
Sometimes my friends tell me that I hurt them with my words, but I do not do so willingly. It's just my way of speaking. How can I change the way I speak? How to I know when God wants me to speak & when not?
I also have a problem with speaking before I think. I’ve said some brutally honest things that have hurt my friends’ feelings without my even realizing it. I’ve also said things that I thought were helpful that made them angry. So, I truly understand what you’re going through. Read James 3:1-11. It’s very humbling. I’ve learned that I have to listen carefully and try not to blurt out an emotional reaction. Sometimes, people just want to be listened to. They don’t want your reaction, your advice, or your honest comments. They want your empathy because that helps them feel like they’ve truly been heard. And we all like that. We are called to love others the way we love ourselves. We do that by empathy--putting ourselves in their shoes for a minute to imagine how they’re feeling and what they need from us to feel better. So, slow down, take a breath and be intentional with your words.
I’m 33 & have never been in a relationship. I’ve never even been on a date. This is really hurting my confidence & self esteem. How can I get past my feelings of inadequacy & stop feeling like I’m not enough?
This world throws a lot of expectations at us that are difficult to see past. There are a lot of single people out there in your same situation. Maybe God wants you to feel comfortable in your relationship with Him before He raises up a partner for you. Maybe the person that He is preparing for you isn’t ready yet. If you are feeling inadequate, then that’s something you need to work on so that you are ready when that person does come along. Your feelings won’t just disappear and they may be making you less approachable. Join some groups of people with similar interests: book clubs, hiking, cooking--whatever. So that you can gain some confidence. God loves you so much. Count on His plan--which is always for your best, even in this season of waiting. When we fix our eyes on Him and things eternal, we can’t help but shine His light as the joy spills out of us. That light is very attractive--it is the image of God in us.. You are enough, because God is enough and He is part of you. (We answered a similar question here.)
How do we encourage fellow Christ followers to refrain from having sex with significant others before marriage without being diminishing?
If they are fellow Christ followers then they should know that sex outside of marriage is sin. God created sex to strengthen marriage. In fact, did you know that when you have an orgasm your brain releases a chemical that helps you bond with your sexual partner? The Bible calls sex outside of marriage sexual sin in the new translations and fornication in the KJV. That’s not just referring to adultery. God can forgive us our sins, but we have to be repentant. We can’t be forgiven for ongoing, unrepentant sin. We all struggle with it: idols, lust, greed. Whatever the sin is, we convince ourselves that it’s not so bad. Which is what your friends have done. The world can be very persuasive. But our relationship with God suffers when we continue in unrepentant sin. I’m afraid all you can do with your friends is remind them of 1 Cor. 6: 9-11. But I suggest you are careful and humble in your approach. We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. That’s why we need a Savior!
How do you put complete & utter faith in God when you feel He has forgotten about you?
When God seems to be silent, we may be asking the wrong questions. God has promised us peace. (Phil. 4:6-8) No where in the Bible does it say He will give us what we ask for. He’s not Santa Claus. I used to think Matthew 7:10 said that, but it means that God will give us what is best--better than we can even imagine. Sometimes that is something we’re praying for, and sometimes that is going through a horrible situation so that we draw closer to Him or let go of some sin or maybe even so we can minister to someone else down the road. Or maybe the horrible thing we’re going through doesn’t have anything to do with us. We’re selfish and self-centered, so of course we assume that. But I have learned that God is always there. If I don’t feel Him, it’s because I moved away, not the other way around. So, I count my blessings and I thank God for them. Then, I admit my sin and ask forgiveness. Then I give thanks for Jesus so He can forgive me. Lastly, I lift up the concerns of my heart--not so He can fix them, though He might--so that He can give me peace because I remember that He’s God and I’m not. His plan may not line up with my plan or my desires, but it is always the best plan, even when it sucks for me. I put complete and utter faith in God by fixing my eyes on what is eternal and not on the storm raging around me in this world.